. T^iliissl ^mt£ jjjjjji. I Ifenr^ y""Y'H j.^*^ iT^^p^ 4, £ I^R 2 ^ VSTUDIA IN / THE LIBRARY of VICTORIA UNIVERSITY Toronto THE BIOGRAPHICAL EDITION THE WORKS OF WILLIAM MAKEPEACE THACKERAY WITH BIOGRAPHICAL INTRODUCTIONS BY HIS DAUGHTER, ANNE RITCHIE IN THIRTEEN VOLUMES VOLUME III. THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND, ETC. Yv V, Piibhshei'by Harper &Erothers, New York. PR Y4 189,9 £.4 340 18 £ THE BIOGRAPHICAL EDITION OF W. M. THACKERAY'S COMPLETE WORKS Edited by Mrs. ANNE THACKERAY RITCHIE The volumes are issued as far as possible in order of original publication 1. VANITY FAIR 2. PENDENNIS 3. YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS, ETC, 4. BARRY LYNDON, ETC. 5. SKETCH BOOKS 6. CONTRIBUTIONS TO "PUNCH," ETC. 7. HENRY ESMOND, ETC. 8. THE NEWCOMES 9. CHRISTMAS BOOKS, ETC 10. THE VIRGINIANS it. PHILIP, ETC. 12. DENIS DUVAL, ETC, 13, MISCELLANIES Illustrated. Crown 8vo, Cloth, Ornamental, Uncut Edges and Gilt Tops, $2 oo per volume GEORGE N. MORANG & COMPANY, LIMITED, TORONTO Copyright, 1898, by HARPER £ BROTHERS All rights reserved CONTENTS PAGE INTRODUCTION XV THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND CHAP. I. GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OUR VILLAGE AND THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF THE DIAMOND ... 3 II. TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO LONDON, AND PRODUCES WONDERFUL EFFECTS BOTH IN THE CITY AND AT THE WEST END . 9 III. HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A MAGNIFICENT CHARIOT, AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD LUCK . . . . .19 IV. HOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND - WEARER DINES AT PENTONVILLE . * . . . . ' . 29 V. HOW THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE .... 33 VI. OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND HAD THERE . . 39 VII. HOW SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT OF PROSPERITY . . . .48 VIII. RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH's LIFE . .57 IX. BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS WIFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, TO LONDON 63 Tiii CONTENTS CHAP. PAGE X. OF SAM'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS, AND OF THE FIRM OF BROUGH AND HOFF 75 XI. IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS A DIAMOND, AND YET BE VERY HARD PRESSED FOR A DINNER ...... 86 XII. IN WHICH THE HERO'S AUNT'S DIAMOND MAKES ACQUAINTANCE WITH THE HERO'S UNCLE . 95 XIII. IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT A GOOD WIFE IS THE BEST DIAMOND A MAN CAN WEAR IN HIS BOSOM 106 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN i. "TRUTH is STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION" . 119 II. ALLYGHUR AND LASWAREE . . . . .131 III. A PEEP INTO SPAIN — ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES OF THE AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS . 140 IV. THE INDIAN CAMP THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT . 153 V. THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE . 161 VI. FAMINE IN THE GARRISON . . . . .165 VII. THE ESCAPE . . . . . . . » 171 VIII. THE CAPTIVE ...... 174 IX. SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR 180 COX'S DIARY JANUARY — THE ANNOUNCEMENT . 189 FEBRUARY FIRST ROUT .... 193 MARCH — A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS . . .197 APRIL THE FINISHING TOUCH . 201 CONTENTS ix PAGE MAY — A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA . . . 205 JUNE — STRIKING A BALANCE ...... 209 JULY DOWN AT BEULAH . . . . . .213 AUGUST A TOURNAMENT . . . . . .217 SEPTEMBER OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED . .221 OCTOBER — NOTICE TO QUIT ...... 225 NOVEMBER LAW LIFE ASSURANCE 229 DECEMBER— FAMILY BUSTLE 233 THE MEMOIRS OF MR, C. J. YELLOWPLUSH MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 237 THE AMOURS OF MR. DEUCEACE : — DIMOND CUT DIMOND . . . . .256 FORING PARTS 270 MR. DEUCEACE AT PARIS :— CHAP. I. THE TWO BUNDLES OF HAY . . . .279 II. " HONOUR THY FATHER " . . * . 284 III. MINEWVRING i. . 290 iv. "HITTING THE NALE ON THE HEDD" . . 297 v. THE GRIFFIN'S CLAWS ..... 300 VI. THE JEWEL ....... 304 VII. THE CONSQUINSIES . . . . . .311 VIII. THE END OF MR. DEUCEACE's HISTORY LIMBO 315 IX. THE MARRIAGE . .... 329 X. THE HONEYMOON 331 ME. YELLOWPLUSH'S AJEW 338 SKIMMINGS FROM "THE DAIRY OF GEORGE IV." . . 348 EPISTLES TO THE LITERATI 360 x CONTENTS THE DIARY OF 0. JEAMES DE LA PLUCHE, ESQ., WITH HIS LETTERS PAGE A LUCKY SPECULATOR ..... .381 THE DIARY .... . 387 JEAMES ON TIME BARGINGS . . . . . .424 JEAMES ON THE GAUGE QUESTION . . . . .426 MR. JEAMES AGAIN ........ 429 A LEGEND OF THE RHINE CHAP. I. SIR LUDWIG OF HOMBOURG ..... 435 II. THE GODESBERGERS . . . . . .439 III. THE FESTIVAL ... ... 444 IV. THE FLIGHT ........ 446 v. THE TRAITOR'S DOOM ...... 448 VI. THE CONFESSION . . . . , . .452 VII. THE SENTENCE . . . . . . 455 VIII. THE CHILDE OF GODESBERvl . . . . .457 IX. THE LADY OF WINDECK ..... 465 X. THE BATTLE OF THE BOWMEN . . . .471 XI. THE MARTYR OF LOVE . . . . . .476 XII. THE CHAMPION ....... 482 XIII. THE MARRIAGE 488 CHARACTER SKETCHES CAPTAIN BOOK AND MR. PIGEON 495 THE FASHIONABLE AUTHORESS . . . . . .511 THE ARTISTS , . 523 CONTENTS xi THE FATAL BOOTS PAGE JANUARY — THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR . . . .541 FEBRUARY CUTTING WEATHER 545 MARCH SHOWERY 549 APRIL FOOLING '. * 553 MAY RESTORATION DAY . . . . . . . . 557 JUNE — MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS . . . .561 JULY SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS . • . . . . 565 AUGUST— DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS ..... 569 SEPTEMBER PLUCKING A GOOSE . . . . .573 OCTOBER — MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION . . .577 NOVEMBER A GENERAL POST DELIVERY . . . .581 585 THE BEDFORD-ROW CONSPIRACY CHAP. I. OF THE LOVES OF MR. PERKINS AND MISS GORGON, AND OF THE TWO GREAT FACTIONS IN THE TOWN OF OLDBOROUGH 591 II. SHOWS HOW THE PLOT BEGAN TO THICKEN IN OR ABOUT BEDFORD ROW ..... 607 III. BEHIND THE SCENES 619 GOING TO SEE A MAN HANGED 633 LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS PORTRAIT OF w. M. THACKERAY, 1832 . . . Frontispiece PAGE BLUE FROCKCOAT . . . ... „ . XVi THACKERAY AT HARE COURT, TEMPLE . .- . . XVil BUCKSTONE . . , . . . . ... XVlil KING ... . -. . xviii MEGREEDY . . . . . . . • xix LORD CHANCELLOR PEEPING LADY > . . GARRICK CLUB HEADS . .. » . » . . . XXxii DOMESTIC DREAMS . . •,. -. . , ,- . . . XXXlii ATELIER . . . . . • • '«- • XXXiv DE LA PLUCHE. M. A. TITMARSH. MAJOR GAHAGAN . XXXix COX'S DIARY JANUARY — THE ANNOUNCEMENT . . To face page 190 FEBRUARY — FIRST ROUT .... „ 194 MARCH A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS . „ 198 APRIL — THE FINISHING TOUCH ... „ 202 MAY A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA . „ 206 JUNE — STRIKING A BALANCE. ... „ 210 xiv LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS JULY — DOWN AT BEULAH . . . To face page 214: AUGUST A TOURNAMENT .... „ 218 SEPTEMBER — OVER-BO AKDED AND UNDER-LODGED „ 222 OCTOBER NOTICE TO QUIT . . . . „ 226 NOVEMBER LAW LIFE ASSURANCE . . „ 230 DECEMBER — CHRISTMAS BUSTLE . . 232 THE FATAL BOOTS JANUARY THE BIRTH OF THE YEAR . . „ 542 FEBRUARY — CUTTING WEATHER ... „ 546 MARCH SHOWERY . . . . . „ 550 APRIL FOOLING „ 554 MAY — RESTORATION DAY . . . . „ 558 JUNE — MARROWBONES AND CLEAVERS . . „ 562 JULY SUMMARY PROCEEDINGS ... „ 566 AUGUST — DOGS HAVE THEIR DAYS . . . „ 570 SEPTEMBER — PLUCKING A GOOSE . . . „ 574 OCTOBER— MARS AND VENUS IN OPPOSITION . „ 578 NOVEMBER — A GENERAL POST DELIVERY . „ 582 DECEMBER "THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT" 586 INTRODUCTION TO YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS AND HOGGARTY DIAMOND, ETC. 1831—1837 I. THE early years which my father spent in London, looking about him, trying his 'prentice hand on life, coming and going with his friends, were those in which he saw most of Edward FitzGerald, Charles and Arthur Btiller, of John and Henry Kemble, all of whom seem to have been his playfellows. Al- fred and Frederick Tennyson, and John Allen, are also among those who are constantly mentioned in the notes and the letters of that time. These young knights of the Mahogany Tree used to meet and play and work together, or sit over their brandy-and-water discussing men and books and morals, speculating, joking, and contradicting each other — liking fun and talk and wit and hu- man nature, and all fanciful and noble things. Alfred Tenny- son was already the poet laureate of this little court, which was roaming about London, with so much vigour and cheerful mirth. They all went their own ways. They heartily admired each other (and no wonder), and they encouraged the minor graces as well as the major virtues. Among other things they seem to have greatly admired a blue frockcoat of FitzGe raid's, of xv XVI YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS which he himself has written more than once in his letters. " It looks delightful in church," he says. I have a letter addressed to Edward FitzGerald, Esq., at Mrs. Perry's, Trumpington Street, Cambridge, and docketed "first letter from W. M. T. after my departure from London in November 1831." " I don't think my rooms will ever appear comfortable again," says the letter. " Here are your things lying in the exact place you left them. . . . The Kembles have called ; J. yesterday, Henry to-day — he is a dear fellow, and we talk about nothing but you and the theatre. . . ." Then again : " John Kemble stayed with me till five o'clock, when we set forth on a walk; we went round the Regent's Park, and he had the talk to himself. It was agreeable enough : about his Spanish adventures, and his friend General Torrijo's exploits. He has asked me to his house. . . . Mrs. Kemble has returned, leaving her daughter at Paris/' This was at the time my father sat every day in Mr. Taprell's office perched on a high stool, drawing up legal docu- ments. Mr. Taprell was a special pleader and conveyancer, and it would be curious to come across a legal document in his pupil's handwriting. Almost a year before this time my grandparents and my father had come to the conclusion that he should go to the bar. He himself was anxious to begin work. Writing to his mother from Germany, January 25, 1831, he says: "I do believe, mother, that it is not merely an appetite for novelty which prompts me, but really a desire to enter a profession and do my duty in it. I am nearly twenty years old — at that time my father had been for five years engaged on his. I am fully aware how difficult and disagreeable my task must be for the first four years, but I have an end in view and an independence to gain ; and if I can steadily keep this before me, I shall not, I trust, flinch from the pursuit of them." By the autumn of that year the young student was established in the Temple. BLUE FROCKCOAT. INTRODUCTION XV11 He sent Mr. FitzGerald a picture of himself, and of his stool and of No. 1 Hare Court, Temple, and one of the lamp-post and the railings outside. The drawing given here is from a letter home. " W. M. T. to MAJOR CARMICHAEL-SMYTH. "December 1831. " I go pretty regularly to my pleader's, and sit with him till past five ; then I come home and read and dine till about nine or THACKERAY AT HARE COURT, TEMPLE. past, when I am glad enough to go out for an hour and look at the world. As for the theatre, I scarcely go there more than once a week, which is moderate indeed for me. In a few days come the Pantomimes ! Huzza ! "I have been to Cambridge, where I stayed four days feasting on my old friends, so hearty and hospitable. ... I could have stayed there a month and fed on each. YELLOWPLtiSH PAPERS " I find this work really very pleasant : one's day is agreeably occupied ; there is a newspaper and a fire and just enough to do. Mr. Taprell has plenty of business, and I should think would be glad of another assistant, whom I hope to provide for him, in my friend Kemble, with whom I am very thick. ... I have been employed on a long pedigree case, and find myself BUCKSTONE. very tolerably amused, only it is difficult to read dry law-books and to attend to them. I sit at home a good deal, but proceed very slowly. I have to lay out nearly £5 to-day for these same ugly books." A diary which was written in the early part of 1832 brings INTRODUCTION xix back very vividly the daily life of that time. It begins with a family record. "Monday, April 2, 1832. — In the morning William Ritchie called — he has grown a very fine boy." Then comes a description of going to see Hay don's pictures: " Mr. Haydon, by dint of telling all the world he is a great painter, has made them believe it. The 'Mock Election' is MEGREEDT. Queen (Mrs. Bulger). Hamlet! thou hast thy father much offended. Hamlet (Megreedy). Madam, thou has my father much offended. Queen. There's the least taste in life of linen hanging out behind. very forced and bad, * Xenophon ' so so, and the rest of the pictures about as good as the ' Mock Election.' " " Went to see father and mother at Covent Garden. The opera was the ' Barber of Seville.' Miss Inverarity sang charm- ingly, but has a mouth big enough to sing two songs at once. Wilson has one of the freshest voices I ever heard. Wrote xx YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS some verses for Charlotte Shakespeare, which are not quite fin- ished." "Sunday, April 29. — Breakfasted at Bullers', and met his brother (Arthur Buller), a very nice fellow, and very well read. Idled about all day till dinner-time, when A. Buller and King- lake dined with me at the Bedford. At night went canvassing for Percy and Reform ; it was a silly prank, but has shown me how easy it is to talk men over. ... I wish to God I could take advantage of my time and opportunities as C. Buller has done. It is very well to possess talents, but using them is better still. Just as I had written my criticism on Buller, enter D., who finds fault with him for the very things which I thought so creditable. He says he has not taken advantage of his opportunities. To be sure, as to advancement, society, and talent, he has had greater advantages than most men. Not the least of them that Carlyle was his tutor. " Went to Chambers. Dined in Hall; afterwards Kemble and Hallarn sat here for an hour. Read an article in Blackwood about A. Tennyson, abusing Hallam for his essay in the Eng- lishman. Read the Monthly, which is cleverer than any of the others, I think. Took a shilling's worth at the Strand Theatre to see the * Judgment of Paris,' a poor thing enough." It was about this time that he went to see Macready in the " Merchant of London," " a good play, and admirably acted." The drawing here given belongs, perhaps, to a somewhat later date, but it is evidently a sketch of a young Macready, adapted to a jesting story by the youthful chronicler. It was in these very early days that my father made the ac- quaintance of Dr. Maginn, with whom he had further dealings.* * Mr. Blanchard Jerrold describes Father Prout in Paris, speaking to him of this time : " Without preface " — he was a man void of preface in speech (Mr. Jerrold writes), and like Siebenkas, advocate of the poor, he laid the egg of his act or deep saying, without any nest on the naked rock — " I in- troduced Thackeray to Maginn." — The Father laughed as the vision pass- ed before him. — "Thackeray was a young buck in those days, wanted to "make a figure in literature, la belle affaire! So he thought he must help " himself to a magazine. It is an expensive toy. A magazine wanted an "editor; I recommended Billy Maginn." A burst of sharp laughter fol- lowed this. " It wasn't so easy to get hold of Master Maginn in those times. " However, I did get hold of him, and made Thackeray's proposition then INTRODUCTION xxi The first mention of him is in the diary from which I have been quoting. 11 Wednesday, May 2, 1832. — Dr. Maginn called and took me to the Standard, showing me the mysteries of printing and writing leading articles. With him all day till four. Dined at the Sablonniere." Next day he dines with Dr. Maginn at the King's Head. " A dull party of low literary men." " Wrote yesterday to E. F. G. with a letter as from Herrick. Might have been made pretty, but was poor enough. How can a man know his own capabili- ties ? Not by reading, by which one acquires thoughts of others, and gives one's self the credit of them. Bulwer has a high reputation for talent, and yet I always find myself competing with him." Then again, a little further on : " Maginn with me all the morning, one of the pleasantest I ever passed. Maginn read Homer to me, and he made me admire it as I had never done before ; moreover he made me make a vow to read some Homer every day, which vow I don't know whether I shall keep. His remarks were extraordinarily intelligent and beautiful, mingled with much learning, a great deal of wit, and no ordinary poet- ical feeling. . . . Told me concerning G.'s roguery, but he was not angry enough at it." (This last sentence is very character- istic of my father.) Day by day he continues to chronicle the occupations and amusements of the moment: — " Walked out with Paget through Kensington Gardens, where we strolled about and lay on the grass. Lunched at the Black Lion at Bayswater. On returning home found half-a-dozen men comfortably settled in my rooms, to which were presently added as many more, and at last got rid of them and went to bed at eleven. All the morning at Buller's, drawing caricatures. Met Mrs. Austin there, a pretty, pleasant woman. Found that C. B. and I did not at all agree about poetry." Elsewhere he writes : " and there. Before Billy Maginn could go into the matter he must have "£500 " Of all this the writer knows nothing, but she gives the passage as it is printed, and she owes the quotation to the kindness of Mr. Loder of Wood- bridge. XX11 YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS "C. B. is a clever fellow, at any rate, and makes money by magazine writing, in which I should much desire to follow his example." On another page he mentions that Kemble has been reading him some very beautiful verses of Tennyson's. The music was in the air — not only was the poet come, but those who had ears to hear. The diary continues : " Supped at the Bedford with D., who is to breakfast with me. I have never known what adversity is, or I should be able, perhaps, to understand his incomprehensi- ble recklessness and quiet, with things hanging over him which if discovered might leave him a beggar and an outcast. I do not love him now as in old times, and perhaps it is lucky for me, for my pocket at any rate !" Another day he is going about trying to find a market for his caricatures. A certain Mr. Gibbs says he can dispose of them for him. There is also another friend, a bookseller. " Had a talk with Mayer, who is quite a patriarch in his way. A fat old fellow in black tights and gaiters. He has promised to let me have his books at trade price." Here is another entry : " Buller and Curzon* dined with me at the Bedford. Curzon is the same noble little fellow he was at school, with all his old enthusiasm and no humbug. When I supposed him grown cool, it was I that was conceited, and not he ; meeting Curzon again has made me very happy." " Sunday, May 13. — Breakfasted with Edwards. Sat all the morning with Dobbs. To-day a bishop has been pulled out of his pulpit ; what may come to-morrow ? — perhaps a king may be pulled off his throne. This sounds very like clap-trap, but I fear it will be true." " Read law for about an hour. Went at eleven to Somerset Coffee House; met Dr. Maginn, whom I like for his wit and good feeling. Thence to Montagu Place to finish the pantomime trick for John Henry. Called at Kemble's, Du Pre's, and Patties', and dined at the Bedford. J. Kemble and Pearson here till late in the evening talking metaphysics, of which Pearson has read a good deal, and Kemble amazingly little. Walked in the Park with Mr. Dick and Kemble ; met the Duke looking like an old hero." * Hon. R. Curzon, author of "Curzon's Monasteries" — a Carthusian to begin with. INTRODUCTION xxiii It is at Dr. Maginn's that my father meets Mr. Giffard, a " very learned and pleasant man," and further on he writes : " Very much delighted with the goodness of Giffard."* At first there are constant mentions of Dr. Maginn, of his scholarship and kindness and brilliant talk ; then come others far less to the Doctor's credit. The reverse of the medal ap- pears : it is not the King's head any more that we see ; but the dragon, with its claws and ugly forked tongue turns up, and alas ! no St. George to the rescue. The story is a tragic one. How could it be otherwise with such brilliant gifts, such fatal instincts. Mrs. Oliphant, before she laid down her pen, that pen which was ever moved by lov- ing wit, told the history and quoted Lockhart's touching epi- taph, of which the last line sums up the spirit of the whole : " Many worse, better few, than bright, broken Maginn." The echoes, the common-sense, the daily sounds and sights of the early thirties, seem to reach one as one looks over these letters and note-books of a date when even the early Victorian times were not, and William was King, when the heroes who had fought for England and her very existence were resting on their laurels and turning their swords into scythes. There were domestic battles still to contest. The Reform Bill was being fought inch by inch — " that Catilinarian Reform Bill," as Coleridge calls it, writing at the time from Highgate Hill. In the little hall of my father's house in Young Street there used to be a print hanging over the chimney-piece which represented the passing of the Reform Bill. It was a well- known print by S. W. Reynolds. Lord John Russell, as a young man, is standing up with a very high collar to his coat. Lord Palmerston, and all the great men of the time, with curls and mutton-chop whiskers, are grouped round about in ingen- ious profiles and three-quarter faces. A gleam of light comes dazzling in from one of the windows overhead, and is falling straight upon the scroll of Liberty. " The Ministers, the Reform Bill, and the country gone to the devil," my father writes on May 9th. "Went to the House * Probably T. L. Giffard, editor of the Standard, and father of the present Lord Halsbury.— Diet. Nat. Biog. xxiv YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS of Commons and got in with Curzon's order. It will soon, I suppose, be a house of delegates. . . . Bought a big stick where- with to resist all parties in case of an attack." But after all there is no rising in London as he anticipates. " The Duke has been attacked in the streets," he says fur- ther on. " Bracy walked home with him ; the Duke shook his hand and thanked him. Bracy says he has lived four and twenty years, but never felt so happy as to-day. Bravo, Bracy ! I did not think you such a trump before." The Reform Bill played a part in my father's life as it did in that of his friends, and at this time he himself made his first appearance in the arena of politics. But he was never a keen politician. Pictures and plays form a much larger share of his early interests than either poli- tics or law cases. Only he sympathized warmly with his friends and companions, and never hesitated to utter his sympathies. It is impossible also not to feel even now how just were his in- stinctive provisions and criticisms. Any one reading the speech- es he made in 1858, when he was standing for the City of Ox- ford, might realise how many of the things which he advocated then have come about. I can still remember how people blamed him for some of the things he said, for wishing for the Ballot, for Universal Suffrage, and for all the changes that we are quite used to now, which have proved to be friendly ploughs making ready the land for the harvest of the future, rather than those catastrophes and cataclysms which were anticipated. " How deeply we all regret your dear father's dangerous views," I can remember various voices saying, with a quaver of disapproba- tion ; specially one dignified old lady, who, I believe, asked us to dinner solely on purpose to remonstrate with him. He used sometimes to speak of a happy expedition into Cornwall, when he went to Liskeard to help Charles Buller in his election in 1832. Long after, when the people of Liskeard sent to ask my father himself to stand as their representative, he was greatly tempted and amused by the suggestion, but he said he could not afford it then. This happened before he had crossed the water to America. The £1000 which Oxford cost him in later days was, I think, all paid for in silver dollars. INTRODUCTION xxv The account of the Buller election is in his diary, and is cheerful reading. There is also a letter to his mother, dated from Polwellan, West Looe. "June 25, 1832. " Are you surprised, dear mother, at the direction ? Cer- tainly not more prepared for it than I was myself, but you must know that on Tuesday in last week I went to breakfast with Charles Buller, and he received a letter from his constituents at Liskeard requesting him immediately to come down ; he was too ill, but instead deputed Arthur Buller and myself — so off we set that same night by the mail, arrived at Plymouth the next day, and at Liskeard the day after, when we wrote addresses, canvassed farmers, and dined with attorneys. Then we came on to Mr. Buller's, and here I have been very happy since Fri- day. On Wednesday last I was riding for twelve hours' can- vassing— rather a feat for me ; and considering I have not been on horseback for eight months my stiffness yesterday was by no means surprising. But it is seven o'clock of a fine summer's morning, so I have no fatigue to complain of. I have been ly- ing awake this morning meditating on the wise and proper man- ner I shall employ my fortune on when I come of age, which, if I live so long, will take place in three weeks. . . . Charles Buller comes down at the end of next week : if you want me sooner I will come ; if not, I should like to wait for the Re- form rejoicings, which are to take place on his arrival, particu- larly as I have a great share in the canvassing." FROM THE DIARY. " June 20, 1832. — Breakfasted with Charles Buller. At eight o'clock we set off by the mail outside, crossed the water to Tor Point, and set off for Liskeard by the mail. Here our first act was a blunder — we went to the wrong Inn. This, how- ever, was soon remedied, our trunks were withdrawn, and our- selves breakfasted at Mr. Lyne's the attorney. " Most of the day was occupied in composing an address for Charles Buller, the one he sent down being considered unsatis- factory. Arthur's was fixed upon by us, it was good but wordy ; then we went to see two more attorneys to con over the address, xxvi YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS and to drink tea, and at half-past ten we set off in pouring rain to Polwellan, where we arrived at twelve, and went gladly to bed." " Thursday, June 21. — Woke and forgot all my travelling troubles after a long sweet sleep, and found myself in a very charming house, in a pretty room, and with a pleasant family ; the servants all mistook me for Charles Buller. I was kindly received by Mr. and Mrs. Buller. The day has passed pleas- antly enough with a walk, and a lunch, and a ride, and a dinner, and a long talk afterwards about subjects of which none of the party knew anything. At dinner there was a gentleman re- markable for his name, Captain Toop Nicholas. The house is very pleasant, the master of it most kind-hearted and honest, and the mistress a very charming woman, an ancient flame of my father's. We rode to Morvel, an Elizabethan house with some noble woods. On Wednesday rode with A. Buller twelve miles canvassing, and found much more good feeling and in- telligence among the farmers than I had expected. There seems to be a class of farmers here unknown to our part of Devonshire, men of tolerable education, though not of a large property, not unlike the Scotch farmer." Elsewhere my father describes his host, " as he sits at table surrounded by his family portraits, a fine specimen of a kind al- most gone out now." Here is a pleasant page of life. " After a merry day at Tem- plars we set off in his cart to Newton, where we waited till 8.30 for the mail. At about one we reached Plymouth, and on Mon- day, 9th, arrived by mail at ten o'clock at Liskeard, and found all the town in an uproar, with flags, processions, and triumphal arches, to celebrate Charles Buller's arrival. Rode out to meet him, and had the honour, with some half-a-dozen others, to be dragged in with him. The guns were fired, the people shouted and pulled us through all parts of the town. C. Buller made a good speech enough, then we adjourned to Mrs. Austin's to lunch, and then to submit again to be pulled about for the pleasure of the constituents. This business lasted from twelve till four, during which I was three times gratified by hearing my song about Jope sung to a tune, I suppose by some of the choristers. . . . Arrived at Polwellan at six, and was glad to see it again, for they certainly have been very kind." xxviii YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS The notes of electioneering alternate with the books which he is reading, the people he is talking to, and the places he visits. He reads " Wallensteiri " in the morning, rides in the afternoon, talks to the young ladies in the evening, and draws pictures. He meets Sir William Molesworth, who is standing for the county, arid with whom he always kept up a friendship in after life, and who is here described as a " sensible fellow." Electors go on dragging carriages and feasting in gardens, can- didates make speeches, and when it pours with rain they all ad- journ together to the Town Hall. Dances as well as tea drink- ings are given in the cause of Liberal politics. One lady ap- pears upon the scene, by whom at first he seems to be rather fascinated. But she — counting, perhaps, too much upon a young man's powers of attention — spares him no detail of com- plicated domestic history, and on Saturday, July 11, he notes, "A blank chiefly occupied by Mrs. - — 's voluminous conver- sation." Politicians appear to have been cheerful, young, and gay in those days, with much less of Guy Fawkes about them than there is now. On the 18th July 1832 he writes : " Here is the day for which I have been panting so long." He was now of age and his own master. II. I have heard that the man who followed my father at Mr. Taprell's chambers found the desk full of sketches and carica- tures, which he had left behind him.* It was quite evident that though he was amused by the work at first, his real place was not in Hare Court ; his gifts lay in other directions, and the visions here depicted were never to be realised, although my father was actually called to the Bar in 1848. In May of 1832 he had written : " This lawyer's preparatory education is certainly one of the most cold-blooded, prejudiced pieces of invention that ever a man was slave to. ... A fellow * Mr. Reginald Smith tells me that the successor to my father's place, who rose to be a dignitary of the law, unwarily showed his trouvaille to the Special Pleader, who confiscated the sketches. INTRODUCTION XXIX should properly do and think of nothing else than LAW. Never mind. I begin to find out that people are much wiser than I am (which is a rare piece of modesty in me), and that old heads do better than young ones, that is in their generation, for I am sure that a young man's ideas, however absurd and rhapsodical PEEPING LADY. they are, though they mayn't smack so much of experience as those of these old calculating codgers, contain a great deal more nature and virtue. Here are hot weather and green trees again, dear mother, but the sun won't shine into Taprell's chamber, and the high stools don't blossom and bring forth buds. 0 matutini roses aura que salubresf I do long so for fresh air and fresh butter, only it isn't romantic." His deliverance followed close upon this, for he seems to have gone straight from Cornwall to France, stopping at Havre, sketch- ing by the way, and reaching Paris before the end of August. xxx YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS At Paris my father immediately subscribed to a reading-room in the Palais Royal, with quiet rooms and a pleasant look-out. He seems to have set to work at once, sent for a master, and begun to study French literature. He came in for the rise of the romantic school, and he makes his own criticism upon it " In the time of Voltaire," he says, " the heroes of poetry and drama were fine gentlemen ; in the days of Victor Hugo they bluster about in velvet and mustachios and gold chains, but they seem in nowise more poetical than their rigid predecessors. " I read to-day a novel of Balzac's called the Peau de Chagrin, which possesses many of the faults and many of the beauties of the school. Plenty of light and shade, good colouring and cos- tumes, but no character." He also reads in Gibbon and studies old Montaigne, and is absorbed by Cousin's "History of Philosophy." "The excite- ment of metaphysics must equal almost that of gambling," he says. Besides reading books of every sort and size he goes to the Louvre, to the Bibliotheque Royale, looking over the en- gravings and copying some of them, and very constantly indeed he is at the theatre, where he sees most of the actors, and young Mdlle. Mars " playing deliciously in a pretty piece called Valerie" and Mdlle. Dejazet at the Palais Royal in a piece called Napo- leon a Brienne — Napoleon was apparently as much in fashion then as now. — At Franconi's they have also a representation of the Emperor and all his army. Here is a very striking comment upon a contemporary event: — PARIS, August 8, 1832. " I read the other day in the papers — Hier S.M. a envoye complimenter V Ambassadeur de V Autriche sur la mort du Due de Reichstadt. It is as fine a text for a sermon as any in the Bible — this poor young man dying, as many say, of poison, and L. P. presenting his compliments on the occasion. Oh, Genius, Glory, Ambition — what ought you to learn from this ? and what might I not teach, only I am hungry and going — to breakfast !" It was in January 1833 that Major Carmichael-Smyth became associated with the National Standard and Journal of Litera- ture, Science, Music, and the Fine Arts — I have do doubt, partly INTRODUCTION xxxi with a view to give my father an opening in literature, and also to retrieve some heavy losses which had fallen upon them both about this time ; — an Indian bank had failed, English money was mismanaged, and retrenchment became absolutely neces- sary. The following letters will show that he was working very steadily at journalism for some time besides thinking of painting as a profession. The first is written in London to her mother at Porchester Terrace, Bayswater : — " I have been wanting very much to see you, dearest mother, but this paper has kept me so busily at work, that I really and truly had no time. " I have made a woodcut for it of Louis Philippe, which is pretty good ; but have only written nonsense, in the shape of reviews. The paper comes out to-morrow afternoon, and then I will come up to you with a copy thereof. I have been obliged to put off the play and everything else, having actually done nothing except work the paper. I send a boy with this, for I thought you would be glad to know what my proceedings are. God bless you, dearest mother ! I send you a couple of maga- zines I have received in my new capacity." The next letter comes from France again : — PARIS, July 6, 1833. " It looks well to have a Parisian correspondent, and I think that in a month more I may get together stuff enough for the next six months. I have been thinking very seriously of turn- ing artist ; I think I can draw better than do anything else, and certainly like it better than any other occupation ; why shouldn't I ? It requires a three years' apprenticeship, however, which is not agreeable, and afterwards the way is clear and pleasant enough. An artist in this town is by far a more distinguished person than a lawyer, and a great deal more so than a clergyman." It will be seen that there were different views then about art, to those we hold now ; parents have to be convinced by the rising generations in turn. During these two or three years my father seems to have XXX11 YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS come and gone constantly from Paris to London, probably on account of his work for the newspapers. He writes from the Garrick Club, on September 6, 1833 : " I am wanting very much to leave this dismal city, dear mother, but I must stay for some time longer, being occupied in writ- ing, puffing, &c., and other delightful employments for the Standard. I have had an offer made for a partner, which I think I shall accept, but the business cannot be settled for a week or ten days. In the meantime I get on as well as I can, spending my mornings in St. Paul's Churchyard, and my even- ings in this Club, which is a pleasant and cheap place of resort. We have, thanks to me and some other individuals, established a smoking-room, another great comfort. I am writing on a fine, frosty day, which, considering this is the height of the summer, or ought to be, is the more to be appreciated. I find a great change between this and Paris, where one makes friends ; here, though for the last three years I have lived, I have not positively a single female acquaintance. I shall go back to Paris, 1 think, and marry somebody. There is another evil which I complain of, that this system of newspaper writing spoils one for every other kind of writing. I am unwilling, now more than ever, to write letters to my friends, and always find Mr. POOLE, DON TELESFORO DE TOUCHE. JAMES SMITH, Author of " Paul Pry." ' ' Rejected Addresses." GARRICK CLUB HEADS. myself attempting to make a pert, critical point at the end of a sentence. I have just had occasion to bid adieu to Regains ; he has been breaking bottles of wine and abstracting liquors therefrom, and this after I had given him a coat, a hat, and a INTRODUCTION XXXlll half-crown to go to Bartholomew Fair. He lied stoutly, wept much, and contradicted himself more than once, so I have been obliged to give him his conge, and am now clerkless. This is, DOMESTIC DREAMS. I think, the only adventure which has occurred to me. I have been talking of going out of town, but les affaires ! — as for the theatres, they are tedious beyond all bearing, and a solitary evening in chambers is more dismal still. One has no resource but the Club, where, however, there is a tolerably good library of reviews and a pleasant enough society — of artists of all kinds, and gentlemen who drop their absurd English aristocratical no- tions. You see by this what I am thinking of — I wish we were all in a snug apartment in the Rue de Provence. FitzGerald has been in town for a day or two, and I have plenty of his acquaint- ances. There are a number of litterateurs who frequent this Club, and the National Standard is, I am happy to say, grow- ing into repute, though I know it is poor stuff. " A friend of mine, just come from the country, says he shot xxxiv YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS ten brace on the 1st of September ; may father have had as good sport. There are lots of partridges here for four shillings a pair. These are some of the characters of the Club ; Smith is very like." In October he is back in Paris again, and writes to his mother : " I want now to settle, to marry, and then to live in the little house in Albion Street, going to church regularly, ris- ing early, and walking in the Park with Mrs. T. " Then what interesting letters I could write you about Billy's progress in cutting his teeth, and Johnny's improvement in spell- ing ! As it is, I have nothing earthly to talk about except my- self— and I am tired of filling my letters with I's. " I spend all day now at the Atelier, and am very well satis- fied with the progress I make. I think that in a year, were I to work hard, I might paint something worth looking at. The other men at the Atelier are merry fellows enough, always sing- ing, smoking, fencing, and painting very industriously besides. Most of them have skill in painting, but no hand for drawing. Little Le Portein himself is a wonderful fellow. I never knew so young a man paint so well and so rapidly. . . . The artists, with their wild ways and their poverty, are the happiest fellows in the world. I wish you could see the scene every day in the Atelier. Yesterday we had a breakfast for five, consisting of five sausages, three loaves, and a bottle of wine, for fifteen sous. Afterwards pipes succeeded, and then songs, imitations of all the singers in Paris." It is well known that the Literary Standard did not fly for very long. After it was hauled down my father returned to Paris, and resumed his painting. He has left us one or two sketches of his student life. " W. M. T. to MRS. CARMICHAEL-SMYTH. "GARRICK CLUB, December 1833. " I fear, the Xs. pudding must be eaten without me, as my assistant, Hume, has gone into the country, and left me to do all the work. Now I am anxious that the first number for the year should be a particularly good one, and I am going to change the name to the Literary Standard, and increase the price to 3d., with which alteration I hope to do better. I am INTRODUCTION XXXV sure we shall be as merry in the new house as possible. I be- lieve I ought to thank Heaven for making me poor — it has made me much happier than I should have been with the money. But this is a selfish wish, for I shall now have to palm myself on you and my father just at the time when I ought to be inde- pendent." At this time he was working with Brine, who was a well- known artist of the dashing, impressionist school. There is one scene from the Atelier in his note-book which might have been quoted by Mr. du Maurier in his " History of Trilby " : about a girl who would not pose, but instead sang songs and cut capers ; and this is followed by a description of ATELIER. the artist at the head of the studio, " a venerable man with a riband of honour, an excellent man I am told, a good father of a family — but superior to all the rest by the extreme bathos of his blackguardisms. ... It is no wonder that the French are such poor painters with all this." On June 11 he writes: "Tuesday the Louvre opened, and I made on that day, and Wednesday, a little copy of Watteau and of another picture. ... It is very pleasant and calm to the eye xxxvi YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS to see the old pictures after the flaring gaudy exhibitions, which shut up in January. I have been looking with much delight at the Paul Veronese, and at some bits of Rubens's. The Raphaels do not strike me more than they did before." On another day he notes at the Bibliotheque du Roi: "Copied and admired Lucas van Leyden, a better man, I think, than Albert Diirer, and mayhap as great a composer as Raphael himself." He had been living with his grandmother, Mrs. Butler, most of this time, and with various old ladies, her friends and ac- quaintances. It is impossible not to be struck by my father's patience and dutifulness, and by the way in which he bore with trying tempers and with the infirmities of age and disposition, but it can be imagined that this was not a very congenial at- mosphere; domestic nerves and squabbles were always in the air, and he often thinks with envy of a quiet garret or a silent cell to himself. Finally he seems to have accomplished his am- bition. " This is our last day at Chaillot," he writes, " and I am sor- ry to leave this most beautiful view, though I shall be happy enough in my little den in the Rue des Beaux Arts, where I in- tend to work hard, and lead a most pious, sober, and godly life ;" and so the journal ends. A great many blank leaves fol- low, and a few more accounts, and a new page is turned over. III. My father has sometimes told me that he lost his heart to my mother when he heard her sing ; she had a very sweet voice and an exquisite method. He was twenty-five when he married, in 1836, and I have lately read the register, copied verbatim from the records of the French Embassy at Paris, as quoted by Messrs. Merivale & Mar- zials. My mother was Isabella Gethen Creagh Shawe, daughter of Colonel Matthew Shawe; her mother was a Creagh. Another important event happened to my father in 1836: a second newspaper was started, in which he and his stepfather were very much concerned. Major Carmichael- Smyth was chairman of a company formed to publish the Constitutional, an ultra-Liberal newspaper, that was to have the support of INTRODUCTION xxxvii Charles Buller, Sir William Molesworth, and the Radical party. By Major Carmichael-Smyth's interest my father, who had a great many shares in the undertaking, was appointed Paris cor- respondent, at a salary of £400 a year. It was upon this ap- pointment that he married. He had met my mother at his grandmother's — there had been ancient Indian relations between the families. A recent book of pictures by Mr. Eyre Crowe, R.A., gives a charming sketch of the Rue St. Augustin as it was in 1836, when my father and my mother lived in that quarter. The New Street of the Little Fields was close by with that Restaurant so famed for its Bouille-a-baisse. In this same book are to be found many more of an old friend's remembrances and sketches. One is of the house in London in which my parents settled down in 1837, in Great Coram Street, out of Brunswick Square. The Yellowplush correspondence — one of the earliest of the author's contributions to literature — must have been written in Great Coram Street. It appeared in Fraser's Magazine in 1837. It is the first of his writings that was ever published as a book, having been brought out, not in England, but in America, in 1838, by Messrs. E. L. Carey and L. A. Hart, of Philadelphia.* The book was not republished in England until 1841 by Hugh Cunningham. I hardly know — nor if I knew, should I care to give here — the names and the details of the events which suggested some of the Yellowplush papers. The history of Mr. Deuceace was written from life during a very early period of my father's ca- reer. Nor can one wonder that his views were somewhat grim at that particular time, and still bore the impress of an expe- rience lately and very dearly bought. He was naturally trustful, and even enthusiastic, about peo- ple who were kind to him; but, as it seems scarcely necessary to say, the author of " Vanity Fair " had a great deal of com- mon-sense, and a very rapid perception of facts when they final- ly shaped themselves. As a boy he had lost money at cards to some card-sharpers who scraped acquaintance with him. He has told us that they * Mr. W. H. Lambert, of Philadelphia, has kindly sent a copy of this pretty old-fashioned volume, xxxviii YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS came and took lodgings opposite to his, on purpose to get hold of him. He never blinked at the truth, or spared himself ; but neither did he blind himself as to the real characters of the people in question, when once he had discovered them. His villains became curious studies in human nature; he turned them over in his mind, and he caused Deuceace, Barry Lyndon, and Ikey Solomons, Esq., to pay back some of their ill-gotten spoils, in an involuntary but very legitimate fashion, when he put them into print and made them the heroes of those grim early histories. " Major Gahagan " burst into life, boots and all, in Colburn's New Monthly Magazine for 1838. In a frontispiece to " Comic Tales and Sketches " are to be found the three portraits of Ma- jor Gahagan, De la Pluche, and Michael Angelo Titmarsh, arm in arm — " They are supposed to be marching hand in hand on the very brink of immortality," says Mr. Titmarsh in his intro- duction. Yellowplush, that bird of rare plume, also belongs to this same early burst of fun and spring-time. Yellowplush contin- ued his literary efforts for some years ; but as he went up in the world, he became Jeames de la Pluche, Esq. The longest lived of the three was Michael Angelo Titmarsh, a life-long companion. We know that Haroun al Raschid used to like to wander about the streets of Bagdad in various disguises, arid in the same way did the author of " Vanity Fair " — although he was not a Calif — enjoy putting on his various dominos and charac- ters. None of these are more familiar than that figure we all know so well, called Michael Angelo Titmarsh. No doubt my father first made this artist's acquaintance at one of the studios in Paris. Very soon Mr. Titmarsh's criticisms began to appear in various papers and magazines. He visited the salons as well as the exhibitions over here, he drew most of the Christmas books, and wrote them too. He had a varied career. One could almost write his life. For a time, as we know, he was an assistant master at Dr. Birch's Academy. . . . He was first cous- in to Samuel Titmarsh of the great " Hoggarty Diamond " ; also he painted in water-colours. ... To the kingdom of Heaven he assuredly belongs ! kindly, humorous, delightful little friend ; INTRODUCTION XXXIX DB LA PLUCHE. M. A. TITMARSH. MAJOR GAHAGAN. xl YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS droll shadow behind which my father loved to shelter himself. In Mr. Barrie's life of his mother he tells us how she wonders that he should always write as if he were some one not him- self. Sensitive people are glad of a disguise, and of a familiar who will speak their thoughts for them. . . . From time to time my father returned from Coram Street to Paris for short visits on business or amusement. It was in Paris in 1838 that he wrote the following letter to my mother, part of which I cannot help copying out : — "... Here have we been two years married and not a sin- gle unhappy day. Oh, I do bless God for all this happiness which He has given me. It is so great that I almost tremble for the future, except that I humbly hope (for what man is cer- tain about his own weakness and wickedness) our love is strong enough to withstand any pressure from without, and as it is a gift greater than any fortune, is likewise one superior to pov- erty or sickness, or any other worldly evil with which Provi- dence may visit us. Let us pray, as I trust there is no harm, that none of these may come upon us ; as the best and wisest Man in the world prayed that he might not be led into tempta- tion. ... I think happiness is as good as prayers, and I feel in my heart a kind of overflowing thanksgiving which is quite too great to describe in writing. This kind of happiness is like a fine picture, you only see a little bit of it when you are close to the canvas, go a little distance and then you see how beautiful it is. I don't know that I shall have done much by coming away, except being so awfully glad to come back again. " How shall I fill this page — I think by Mr. 0. R.'s hackney coach adventure. He had been to a theatre on the Boulevards, and was coming home with a lady. It was midnight, no lamps on the Boulevards, no hackney coaches, and pouring cats and dogs. At last a man came to him and asked if he wanted a coach. Yes, says the cheerful correspondent of the Times, and in he jumped, he and his fair lady. Well, two men got on the box, and when after half-an-hour 0. R. ventured to open one of the windows, he found they were driving Heaven knows where, tearing madly down solitary streets between walls. The more he cried out, the more the man would not stop ; and he pulled INTRODUCTION xll out a penknife, and folding his arm round the waist of Mrs. O. R., determined to sell his life at a considerable expense. At this instant, 0 bonheur I — Providence sent a man into that very street, which before or since was never known to echo with a mortal footstep. Swift as lightning, the young correspondent burst open the door of the coach, and bidding the lady follow, sprang out. They landed in safety. Down came one of the ruffians from the box, when O. R. with gigantic force seized his arm, uplifted no doubt to murder the gentleman of the press. He held him writhing in his iron grip until the stranger ar- rived, whom seeing, t'other chap on the box flogged his horses and galloped away in the darkness and solitude. The poor wretch, the companion of his guilt, now sunk on his knees, when the stranger, looking at him fixedly and fiercely, drew from beneath his cloak a ... This is all. God bless you, dearest wife." "PARIS, March 20, 1838. " There is a chance of £350 a year here. Poor B. is dying, and his place is worth as much ; but then I throw away a very good position in London, where I can make as much, and a little fame into the bargain. My game, as far as I can see it, is to stick to the Times. I have just come from seeing ' Marion Delorme,' the tragedy of Victor Hugo, and am so sickened and disgusted with the horrid piece that I have hardly heart to write. The last act ends with an execution, and you are kept a long hour listening to the agonies of parting lovers and grim speculations about head-chopping, dead bodies, coffins, and what not — I am as sick as if I had taken an emetic. ** I have been writing all day, and finished and despatched an article for the Times. My next visit will be to the Spanish pict- ures, the next to Versailles, and on Monday next, please God, I will be home. . . . To-day I have been to Versailles, and afterwards to the opera — it was a benefit, and all sorts of oddities from all sorts of theatres were played — everything intolerably tedious, ex- cept an act from a very old opera, ' Orpheus,' by Gluck, which was neither more nor less than sublime. Dupre is the most de- lightful tenor I ever heard, with a simplicity of voice and method quite delicious, as good as Rubini, without his faults, singing his notes steadily with no trick or catches or quavers and such xlil YELLOWPLUSH PAPERS music ; like very fine Mozart, so simple and melodious, that by all the gods I have never heard anything like it. " The Versailles gallery is a humbug — a hundred gilded rooms with looking-glasses and carved ceilings, and 2000 bad pictures to ornament them." Readers of the " Paris Sketch Book " will perhaps remember the striking passage which concludes the paper entitled " Medi- tations at Versailles." A. I. R. THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND CHAPTER I GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OUR VILLAGE AND THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF THE DIAMOND WHEN I came up to town for my second year, my aunt Hoggarty made me a present of a diamond-pin ; that is to say, it was not a diamond-pin then, but a large old-fashioned locket, of Dublin manufacture in the year 1795, which the late Mr. Hoggarty used to sport at the Lord Lieutenant's balls and elsewhere. He wore it, he said, at the battle of Vinegar Hill, when his club pigtail saved his head from being taken off, — but that is neither here nor there. In the middle of the brooch was Hoggarty in the scarlet uniform of the corps of Fencibles to which he belonged ; around it were thirteen locks of hair, belonging to a baker's dozen of sisters that the old gentleman had ; and as all these little ringlets partook of the family hue of brilliant auburn, Hoggarty's portrait seemed to the fanciful view like a great fat red round of beef surrounded by thirteen carrots. These were dished up on a plate of blue enamel, and it was from the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND (as we called it in the family) that the collection of hairs in question seemed as it were to spring. My aunt, I need not say, is rich ; and I thought I might be her heir as well as another. During my month's holiday, she was par- ticularly pleased with me; made me drink tea with her often (though there was a certain person in the village with whom on those golden summer evenings I should have liked to have taken a stroll in the hayfields) ; promised every time I drank her bohea 4 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH to do something handsome for me when I went back to town,— nay, three or four times had me to dinner at three, and to whist or cribbage afterwards. I did not care for the cards ; for though we always played seven hours on a stretch, and I always lost, my losings were never more than nineteenpence a night : but there was some infernal sour black-currant wine, that the old lady always pro- duced at dinner, and with the tray at ten o'clock, and which I dared not refuse ; though upon my word and honour it made me very unwell. Well, I thought after all this obsequiousness on my part, and my aunt's repeated promises, that the old lady would at least make me a present of a score of guineas (of which she had a power in the drawer) ; and so convinced was I that some such present was in- tended for me, that a young lady by the name of Miss Mary Smith, with whom I had conversed on the subject, actually netted me a little green silk purse, which she gave me (behind Hicks's hayrick, as you turn to the right up Churchyard Lane) — which she gave me, I say, wrapped up in a bit of silver paper. There was something in the purse, too, if the truth must be known. First there was a thick curl of the glossiest blackest hair you ever saw in your life, and next there was threepence : that is to say, the half of a silver sixpence hanging by a little necklace of blue riband. Ah, but I knew where the other half of the sixpence was, and envied that happy bit of silver ! The last day of my holiday I was obliged, of course, to devote to Mrs. Hoggarty. My aunt was excessively gracious ; and by way of a treat brought out a couple of bottles of the black currant, of which she made me drink the greater part. At night when all the ladies assembled at her party had gone off with their pattens and their maids, Mrs. Hoggarty, who had made a signal to me to stay, first blew out three of the wax candles in the drawing-room, and taking the fourth in her hand, went and unlocked her escritoire. I can tell you my heart beat, though I pretended to look quite unconcerned. " Sam, my dear," said she, as she was fumbling with her keys, "take another glass of Rosolio" (that was the name by which she baptized the cursed beverage) : " it will do you good." I took it, and you might have seen my hand tremble as the bottle went click — click against the glass. By the time I had swallowed it, the old lady had finished her operations at the bureau, and was coming towards me, the wax candle bobbing in one hand and a large parcel in the other. " Now's the time," thought I. "Samuel, my dear nephew," said she, "your first name you AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 5 received from your sainted uncle, my blessed husband ; and of all my nephews and nieces, you are the one whose conduct in life has most pleased me." When you consider that my aunt herself was one of seven married sisters, that all the Hoggarties were married in Ireland and mothers of numerous children, I must say that the compliment my aunt paid me was a very handsome one. " Dear aunt," says I, in a slow agitated voice, " I have often heard you say there were seventy-three of us in all, and believe me I do think your high opinion of me very complimentary indeed : I'm unworthy of it — indeed I am." "As for those odious Irish people," says my aunt, rather sharply, " don't speak of them ; I hate them, and every one of their mothers " (the fact is, there had been a lawsuit about Hoggarty's property) ; " but of all my other kindred, you, Samuel, have been the most dutiful and affectionate to me. Your employers in London give the best accounts of your regularity and good conduct. Though you have had eighty pounds a year (a liberal salary), you have not spent a shilling more than your income, as other young men would ; and you have devoted your month's holidays to your old aunt, who, I assure you, is grateful." " Oh, ma'am ! " said I. It was all that I could utter. " Samuel," continued she, " I promised you a present, and here it is. I first thought of giving you money ; but you are a regular lad; and don't want it. You are above money, dear Samuel. I give you what I value most in life — the p, — the po, the po-ortrait of my sainted Hoggarty " (tears), " set in the locket which contains the valuable diamond that you have often heard me speak of. Wear it, dear Sam, for my sake ; and think of that angel in heaven, and of your dear Aunt Susy." She put the machine into my hands : it was about the size of the lid of a shaving-box : and I should as soon have thought of wear- ing it as of wearing a cocked-hat and pigtail. I was so disgusted and disappointed that I really could not get out a single word. When I recovered my presence of mind a little, I took the locket out of the bit of paper (the locket indeed ! it was as big as a barndoor padlock), and slowly put it into my shirt. "Thank you, aunt," said I, with admirable raillery. " I shall always value this present for the sake of you, who gave it me ; and it will recall to me my uncle, and my thirteen aunts in Ireland." " I don't want you to wear it in that way ! " shrieked Mrs. Hoggarty, "with the hair of those odious carroty women, You must have their hair removed." " Then the locket will be spoiled, aunt." 6 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH "Well, sir, never mind the locket ; have it set afresh." " Or suppose," said I, " I put aside the setting altogether : it is a little too large for the present fashion ; and have the portrait of my uncle framed and placed over my chimney-piece, next to yours. It's a sweet miniature." "That miniature," said Mrs. Hoggarty solemnly, "was the great Mulcahy's chef-d'oeuvre " (pronounced shy dewver, a favourite word of my aunt's ; being, with the words bongtong and ally mode de Parry j the extent of her French vocabulary). " You know the dreadful story of that poor poor artist. When he had finished that wonderful likeness for the late Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, county Mayo, she wore it in her bosom at the Lord Lieutenant's ball, where she played a game of piquet with the Commander-m- Ohief. What could have made her put the hair of her vulgar daughters round Mick's portrait, I can't think ; but so it was, as you see it this day. 'Madam,' says the Commander-in-Chief, 'if that is not my friend Mick Hoggarty, I'm a Dutchman ! ' Those were his Lordship's very words. Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty took off the brooch and showed it to him. " ' Who is the artist ? ' says my Lord. ' It's the most wonderful likeness I ever saw in my life ! ' " ' Mulcahy,' says she, ' of Ormond's Quay.' " ' Begad, I patronise him ! ' says my Lord ; but presently his face darkened, and he gave back the picture with a dissatisfied air. 'There is one fault in that portrait/ said his Lordship, who was a rigid disciplinarian; 'and I wonder that my friend Mick, as a military man, should have overlooked it/ " ' What's that 1 ' says Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty. " ' Madam, he has been painted WITHOUT HIS SWOE.D-BELT ! ' And he took up the cards again in a passion, and finished the game without saying a single word. "The news was carried to Mr. Mulcahy the next day, and that unfortunate artist went mad immediately ! He had set his whole reputation upon this miniature, and declared that it should be fault- less. Such was the effect of the announcement upon his susceptible heart ! When Mrs. Hoggarty died, your uncle took the portrait and always wore it himself. His sisters said it was for the sake of the diamond ; whereas, ungrateful things ! it was merely on account of their hair, and his love for the fine arts. As for the poor artist, my dear, some people said it was the profuse use of spirit that brought on delirium tremens; but I don't believe it. Take another glass of Rosolio." The telling of this story always put my aunt into great good- humour, and she promised at the end of it to pay for the new AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 7 setting of the diamond; desiring me to take it on my arrival in London to the great jeweller, Mr. Polonius, and send her the bill. " The fact is," said she, " that the goold in which the thing is set is worth five guineas at the very least, and you can have the diamond reset for two. However, keep the remainder, dear Sam, and buy yourself what you please with it." With this the old lady bade me adieu. The clock was striking twelve as I walked down the village, for the story of Mulcahy always took an hour in the telling, and I went away not quite so down-hearted as when the present was first made to me. " After all," thought I, "a diamond-pin is a handsome thing, and will give me a distingue air, though my clothes be never so shabby " — and shabby they were without any doubt. "Well," I said, "three guineas, which I shall have over, will buy me a couple of pairs of what-d'ye-call-'ems ; " of which, entre nous, I was in great want, having just then done growing, whereas my pantaloons were made a good eighteen months before. Well, I walked down the village, my hands in my breeches pockets ; I had poor Mary's purse there, having removed the little things which she gave me the day before, and placed them — never mind where : but look you, in those days I had a heart, and a warm one too. I had Mary's purse ready for my aunt's dona- tion, which never came, and with my own little stock of money besides, that Mrs. Hoggarty's card parties had lessened by a good five-and-twenty shillings, I calculated that, after paying my fare, I should get to town with a couple of seven-shilling pieces in my pocket. I walked down the village at a deuce of a pace ; so quick that, if the thing had been possible, I should have overtaken ten o'clock that had passed by me two hours ago, when I was listening to Mrs. H.'s long stories over her terrible Rosolio. The truth is, at ten I had an appointment under a certain person's window, who was to have been looking at the moon at that hour, with her pretty quilled nightcap on, and her blessed hair in papers. There was the window shut, and not so much as a candle in it ; and though I hemmed and hawed, and whistled over the garden paling, and sang a song of which Somebody was very fond, and even threw a pebble at the window, which hit it exactly at the opening of the lattice, — I woke no one except a great brute of a house-dog, that yelled, and howled, and bounced so at me over the rails, that I thought every moment he would have had my nose between his teeth. So I was obliged to go off as quickly as might be ; and the next morning mamma and my sisters made breakfast for me at four, and 8 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH at five came the " True Blue " light six-inside post-coach to London, and I got up on the roof without having seen Mary Smith. As we passed the house, it did seem as if the window curtain in her room was drawn aside just a little bit. Certainly the window was open, and it had been shut the night before : but away went the coach ; and the village, cottage, and the churchyard, and Hicks's hayricks were soon out of sight. " My hi, what a pin ! " said a stable-boy, who was smoking a cigar, to the guard, looking at me and putting his finger to his nose. The fact is, that I had never undressed since my aunt's party ; and being uneasy in mind and having all my clothes to pack up, and thinking of something else, had quite forgotten Mrs. Hoggarty's brooch, which I had stuck into my shirt-frill the night before. CHAPTER II TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO LONDON, AND PRODUCES WONDERFUL EFFECTS BOTH IN THE CITY AND AT THE WEST END THE circumstances recorded in this story took place some score of years ago, when, as the reader may remember, there was a great mania in the City of London for establishing com- panies of all sorts ; by which many people made pretty fortunes. I was at this period, as the truth must be known, thirteenth clerk of twenty-four young gents who did the immense business of the Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, at their splendid stone mansion in Cornhill. Mamma had sunk a sum of four hundred pounds in the purchase of an annuity at this office, which paid her no less than six-and-thirty pounds a year, when no other company in London would give her more than twenty-four. The chairman of the directors was the great Mr. Brough, of the house of Brough and Hoff, Crutched Friars, Turkey merchants. It was a new house, but did a tremendous business in the fig and sponge way, and more in the Zante currant line than any other firm in the City. Brough was a great man among the Dissenting connection, and you saw his name for hundreds at the head of every charitable society patronised by those good people. He had nine clerks residing at his office in Crutched Friars ; he would not take one without a certificate from the schoolmaster and clergyman of his native place, strongly vouching for his morals and doctrine ; and the places were so run after, that he got a premium of four or five hundred pounds with each young gent, whom he made to slave for ten hours a day, and to whom in compensation he taught all the mysteries of the Turkish business. He was a great man on 'Change, too ; and our young chaps used to hear from the stockbrokers' clerks (we commonly dined together at the " Cock and Woolpack," a respectable house, where you get a capital cut of meat, bread, vegetables, cheese, half a pint of porter, and a penny to the waiter, for a shilling) — the young stockbrokers used to tell us of immense bargains in Spanish, Greek, and Columbians, that Brough made. Hoff had nothing to io THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH do with them, but stopped at home minding exclusively the business of the house. He was a young chap, very quiet and steady, of the Quaker persuasion, and had been taken into partnership by Brough for a matter of thirty thousand pounds : and a very good bargain too. I was told in the strictest confidence that the house one year with another divided a good seven thousand pounds: of which Brough had half, Hoff two-sixths, and the other sixth went to old Tudlow, who had been Mr. Brough's clerk before the new partner- ship began. Tudlow always went about very shabby, and we thought him an old miser. One of our gents, Bob Swinney by name, used to say that Tudlow's share was all nonsense, and that Brough had it all ; but Bob was always too knowing by half, used to wear a green cutaway coat, and had his free admission to Covent Garden Theatre. He was always talking down at the shop, as we called it (it wasn't a shop, but as splendid an office as any in Cornhill) — he was always talking about Vestris and Miss Tree, and singing "The bramble, the bramble, The jolly jolly bramble ! " one of Charles Kemble's famous songs in " Maid Marian " ; a play that was all the rage then, taken from a famous story-book by one Peacock, a clerk in the India House; and a precious good place he has too. When Brough heard how Master Swinney abused him, and had his admission to the theatre, he came one day down to the office where we all were, four-and-twenty of us, and made one of the most beautiful speeches I ever heard in my life. He said that for slander he did not care, contumely was the lot of every public man who had austere principles of his own, and acted by them austerely; but what he did care for was the character of every single gentleman forming a part of the Independent West Diddlesex Association. The welfare of thousands was in their keeping ; millions of money were daily passing through their hands ; the City — the country looked upon them for order, honesty, and good example. And if he found amongst those whom he considered as his children — those whom he loved as his own flesh and blood — that that order was departed from, that that regularity was not maintained, that that good example was not kept up (Mr. B. always spoke in this emphatic way) — if he found his children departing from the whole- some rules of morality, religion, and decorum — if he found in high or low — in the head clerk at six hundred a year down to the porter who cleaned the steps — if he found the slightest taint of dissipation, he would cast the offender from him — yea, though he were his own son, he would cast him from him ! AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND it As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears ; and we who didn't know what was coming, looked at each other as pale as parsnips : all except Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, and made believe to whistle. When Mr. B. had wiped his eyes and recovered himself, he turned round; and oh, how my heart thumped as he looked me full in the face ! How it was relieved, though, when he shouted out in a thundering voice — " Mr. ROBERT SWINNEY ! " " Sir to you," says Swinney, as cool as possible, and some of the chaps began to titter. " Mr. SWINNEY ! " roared Brough, in a voice still bigger than before, "when you came into this office — this family, sir, for such it is, as I am proud to say — you found three-and-twenty as pious and well-regulated young men as ever laboured together — as ever had confided to them the wealth of this mighty capital and famous empire. You found, sir, sobriety, regularity, and decorum ; no profane songs were uttered in this place sacred to — to business ; no slanders were whispered against the heads of the establishment — but over them I pass : I can afford, sir, to pass them by — no worldly conversation or foul jesting disturbed the attention of these gentlemen, or desecrated the peaceful scene of their labours. You found Christians and gentlemen, sir ! " " I paid for my place like the rest," said Swinney. " Didn't my governor take sha 1 " " Silence, sir ! Your worthy father did take shares in this establishment, which will yield him one day an immense profit. He did take shares, sir, or you never would have been here. I glory in saying that every one of my young friends around me has a father, a brother, a dear relative or friend, who is connected in a similar way with our glorious enterprise ; and that not one of them is there but has an interest in procuring, at a liberal commission, other persons to join the ranks of our Association. But, sir, I am its chief. You will find, sir, your appointment signed by me ; and in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it. Go from us, sir ! — leave us — quit a family that can no longer receive you in its bosom ! Mr. Swinney, I have wept — I have prayed, sir, before I came to this determination ; I have taken counsel, sir, and am resolved. Depart from out of us I " " Not without three months' salary, though, Mr. B. : that cock won't fight ! " " They shall be paid to your father, sir." " My father be hanged ! I tell you what, Brough, I'm of age ; and if you don't pay me my salary, I'll arrest you, — by Jingo, I will ! I'll have you in quod, or my name's not Bob Swinney ! " 11 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH "Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months' salary of this perverted young man." " Twenty-one pun' five, Roundhand, and nothing for the stamp ! " cried out that audacious Swinney. "There it is, sir, re-ceipted. You needn't cross it to my banker's. And if any of you gents like a glass of punch this evening at eight o'clock, Bob Swinney's your man, and nothing to pay. If Mr. Brough would do me the honour to come in and take a whack1? Come, don't say no, if you'd rather not ! " We couldn't stand this impudence, and all burst out laughing like mad. " Leave the room ! " yelled Mr. Brough, whose face had turned quite blue ; and so Bob took his white hat off the peg, and strolled away with his "tile," as he called it, very much on one side. When he was gone, Mr. Brough gave us another lecture, by which we all determined to profit ; and going up to Roundhand's desk put his arm round his neck, and looked over the ledger. " What money has been paid in to-day, Roundhand 1 " he said, in a very kind way. " The widow, sir, came with her money ; nine hundred and four ten and six — say £904, 10s. 6d. Captain Sparr, sir, paid his shares up ; grumbles, though, and says he's no more : fifty shares, two instalments — three fifties, sir." " He's always grumbling ! " " He says he has not a shilling to bless himself with until our dividend day." " Any more 1 " Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen hundred pounds in all. We were doing a famous business now: though when I came into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and joke, and read the newspapers all day ; bustling into our seats whenever a stray customer came. Brough never cared about our laughing and singing then, and was hand and glove with Bob Swinney; but that was in early times, before we were well in harness. " Nineteen hundred pounds, and a thousand pounds in shares. Bravo, Roundhand — bravo, gentlemen ! Remember, every share you bring in brings you five per cent, down on the nail ! Look to your friends — stick to your desks — be regular — I hope none of you forget church. Who takes Mr. Swinney's place 1 " " Mr. Samuel Titmarsh, sir." " Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you. Give me your hand, sir : you are now twelfth clerk of this Association, and your salary is consequently increased five pounds a year. How is your worthy AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 13 mother, sir — your dear and excellent parent? In good health, I trust 1 And long — long, I fervently pray, may this office continue to pay her annuity ! Remember, if she has more money to lay out, there is higher interest than the last for her, for she is a year older ; and five per cent, for you, my boy ! Why not you as well as another 1 Young men will be young men, and a ten-pound note does no harm. Does it, Mr. Abednego 1 " "Oh no ! " says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who was the chap that informed against Swinney ; and he began to laugh, as indeed we all did whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke : not that they were jokes ; only we used to know it by his face. "Oh, by-the-bye, Roundhand," says he, "a word with you on business. Mrs. Brough wants to know why the deuce you never come down to Fulharn." " Law, that's very polite ! " said Mr. Roundhand, quite pleased. " Name your day, my boy ! Say Saturday, and bring your night- cap with you." " You're very polite, I'm sure. I should be delighted beyond anything, but " " But — no buts, my boy ! Hark ye ! the Chancellor of the Exchequer does me the honour to dine with us, and I want you to see him ; for the truth is, I have bragged about you to his Lordship as the best actuary in the three kingdoms." Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as that, though he had told us how Mrs. R. and he were going to pass Saturday and Sunday at Putney ; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow led, were sure that the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his lady when she heard what was going on. She disliked Mrs. Brough very much, that was the fact ; because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, and said she didn't know where Pentonville was, and couldn't call on Mrs. Roundhand. Though, to be sure, her coachman might have found out the way. " And oh, Roundhand ! " continued our governor, " draw a cheque for seven hundred, will you ! Come, don't stare, man ; I'm not going to run away ! That's right, — seven hundred — and ninety, say, while you're about it ! Our board meets on Saturday, and never fear I'll account for it to them before I drive you down. We shall take up the Chancellor at Whitehall." So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the cheque, and shaking hands with Mr. Roundhand very cordially, got into his carriage-aiid-four (he always drove four horses even in the City, where it's so difficult), which was waiting at the office-door for him. Bob Swinney used to say that he charged two of the horses to the Company ; but there was never believing half of what that Bob i4 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH said, he used to laugh and joke so. I don't know how it was, but I and a gent by the name of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived together with me in Salisbury Square, Fleet Street — where we occupied a very genteel two-pair — found our flute duet rather tire- some that evening, and as it was a very fine night, strolled out for a walk West End way. When we arrived opposite Covent Garden Theatre we found ourselves close to the " Globe Tavern," and recol- lected Bob Swinney's hospitable invitation. We never fancied that he had meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as well look in : at any rate there could be no harm in doing so. There, to be sure, in the back drawing-room, where he said he would be, we found Bob at the head of a table, and in the midst of a great smoke of cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and bang- ing away at the table with the bottoms of their glasses. What a shout they made as we came in ! " Hurray ! " says Bob, " here's two more ! Two more chairs, Mary, two more tumblers, two more hot waters, and two more goes of gin ! Who would have thought of seeing Tit, in the name of goodness 1 " " Why," said I, "we only came in by the merest chance." At this word there was another tremendous roar : and it is a positive fact, that every man of the eighteen had said he came by chance ! However, chance gave us a very jovial night ; and that hospitable Bob Swinney paid every shilling of the score. " Gentlemen ! " says he, as he paid the bill, " I'll give you the health of John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him for the present of .£21, 5s. which he made me this morning. What do I say — .£21, 5s.? That and a month's salary that I should have had to pay— forfeit — down on the nail, by Jingo ! for leaving the shop, as I intended to do to-morrow morning. I've got a place — a tiptop place, I tell you. Five guineas a week, six journeys a year, my own horse and gig, and to travel in the West of England in oil and spermaceti. Here's confusion to gas, and the health of Messrs. Gann & Co., of Thames Street, in the City of London ! " I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex Insurance Office, and of Mr. Brough, the managing director (though the real names are neither given to the office nor to the chairman, as you may be sure), because the fate of me and my diamond pin was mysteriously bound up with both : as I am about to show. You must know that I was rather respected among our gents at the West Diddlesex, because I came of a better family than most of them ; had received a classical education ; and especially because I had a rich aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, about whom, as must be con- fessed, I used to boast a good deal. There is no harm in being respected in this world, as I have found out; and if you don't AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 15 brag a little for yourself, depend on it there is no person of your acquaintance who will tell the world of your merits, and take the trouble off your hands. So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, and took my seat at the old day-book opposite the dingy window that looks into Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the fellows know that Mrs. Hoggarty, though she had not given me a large sum of money, as I expected — indeed, I had promised a dozen of them a treat down the river, should the promised riches have come to me — I let them know, I say, that though my aunt had not given me any money, she had given me a splendid diamond, worth at least thirty guineas, and that some day I would sport it at the shop. " Oh, let's see it ! " says Abednego, whose father was a mock- jewel and gold-lace merchant in Hanway Yard; and I promised that he should have a sight of it as soon as it was set. As my pocket-money was run out too (by coach-hire to and from home, five shillings to our maid at home, ten to my aunt's maid and man, five-and-twenty shillings lost at whist, as I said, and fifteen-and-six paid for a silver scissors for the dear little fingers of Somebody), Roundhand, who was very good-natured, asked me to dine, and advanced me .£7, Is. 8d., a month's salary. It was at Roundhand's house, Myddelton Square, Pentonville, over a fillet of veal and bacon and a glass of port, that I learned and saw how his wife ill-treated him; as I have told before. Poor fellow! — we under- clerks all thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by one's self, and have <£50 per month, as Roundhand had ; but I've a notion that Hoskins and I, blowing duets on the flute together in our second floor in Salisbury Square, were a great deal more at ease than our head — and more in harmony , too ; though we made sad work of the music, certainly. One day Gus Hoskins and I asked leave from Roundhand to be off at three o'clock, as we had particular business at the West End. He knew it was about the great Hoggarty diamond, and gave us permission ; so off we set. When we reached St. Martin's Lane, Gus got a cigar, to give himself as it were a distingue air, and puffed at it all the way up the Lane, and through the alleys into Coventry Street, where Mr. Polonius's shop is, as everybody knows. The door was open, and a number of carriages full of ladies were drawing up and setting down. Gus kept his hands in his pockets — trousers were worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeon- holes for your boots, or Bluchers, to come through (the fashionables wore boots, but we chaps in the City, on .£80 a year, contented ourselves with Bluchers) ; and as Gus stretched out his pantaloons as wide as he could from his hips, and kept blowing away at his 16 THE HISTOKY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH cheroot, and clamping with the iron heels of his boots, and had very large whiskers for so young a man, he really looked quite the genteel thing, and was taken by everybody to be a person of consideration. He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring at the gold pots and kettles in the window outside. I went in ; and after a little hemming and hawing — for I had never been at such a fashionable place before — asked one of the gentlemen to let me speak to Mr. Polonius. "What can I do for you, sir?" says Mr. Polonius, who was standing close by, as it happened, serving three ladies, — a very old one and two young ones, who were examining pearl necklaces very attentively. " Sir," said I, producing my jewel out of my coat-pocket, " this jewel has, I believe, been in your house before : it belonged to my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty." The old lady standing near looked round as I spoke. " I sold her a gold neck-chain and repeating watch in the year 1795," said Mr. Polonius, who made it a point to recollect every- thing; "and a silver punch-ladle to the Captain. How is the Major — Colonel — General — eh, sir 1 " "The General," said I, "I am sorry to say" — though I was quite proud that this man of fashion should address me so — " Mr. Hoggarty is — no more. My aunt has made me a present, however, of this — this trinket — which, as you see, contains her husband's portrait, that I will thank you, sir, to preserve for me very carefully ; and she wishes that you would set this diamond neatly." " Neatly and handsomely, of course, sir." "Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account to her. There is a great deal of gold about the trinket, for which, of course, you will make an allowance." " To the last fraction of a sixpence," says Mr. Polonius, bowing, and looking at the jewel. "It's a wonderful piece of goods, certainly," said he; "though the diamond's a neat little bit, certainly. Do, my Lady, look at it. The thing is of Irish manu- facture, bears the stamp of '95, and will recall perhaps the times of your Ladyship's earliest youth." " Get ye out, Mr. Polonius ! " said the old lady, a little wizen- faced old lady, with her face puckered up in a million of wrinkles. " How dar you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman like me 1 Wasn't I fifty years old in '95, and a grandmother in '96 1 " She put out a pair of withered trembling hands, took up the locket, examined it for a minute, and then burst out laughing : " As I live, it's the great Hoggarty diamond ! " AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 17 Good heavens ! what was this talisman that had come into my "Look, girls," continued the old lady : "this is the great jew'l of all Ireland. This red-faced man in the middle is poor Mick Hoggarty, a cousin of mine, who was in love with me in the year '84, when I had just lost your poor dear grandpapa. These thirteen sthreamers of red hair represent his thirteen celebrated sisters, — Biddy, Minny, Thedy, Widdy (short for Williamina), Freddy, Izzy, Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly, Nell, and Bell — all married, all ugly, and all carr'ty hair. And of which are you the son, young man 1 — though, to do you justice, you're not like the family." Two pretty young ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes at me, and waited for an answer : which they would have had, only the old lady began rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen ladies above named, and all their lovers, all their disappointments, and all the duels of Mick Hoggarty. She was a chronicle of fifty- years-old scandal. At last she was interrupted by a violent fit of coughing ; at the conclusion of which Mr. Polonius very respectfully asked me where he should send the pin, and whether I would like the hair kept. " No," says I, " never mind the hair." "And the pin, sir?" I had felt ashamed about telling my address : " But, hang it ! " thought I, "why should 1 1— ' A king can make a belted knight, A marquess, duke, and a' that ; An honest man's abune his might— Gude faith, he canna fa' that.' Why need I care about telling these ladies where I live ? " " Sir," says I, " have the goodness to send the parcel, when done, to Mr. Titmarsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury Square, near St. Bride's Church, Fleet Street. Ring, if you please, the two- pair bell." " What, sir 1 " said Mr. Polonius. "Hwat!" shrieked the old lady. "Mr. Hwaf? Mais, ma chere, c'est impayable. Come along — here's the carr'age ! Give me your arm, Mr. Hwat, and get inside, and tell me all about your thirteen aunts." She seized on my elbow and hobbled through the shop as fast as possible ; the young ladies following her, laughing. "Now, jump in, do you hear?" said she, poking her sharp nose out of the window. " I can't, ma'am," says I ; "I have a friend." i8 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH " Pooh, pooh ! send 'um to the juice, and jump in ! " And before almost I could say a word, a great powdered fellow in yellow- plush breeches pushed me up the steps and banged the door to. I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at Hoskins, and never shall forget his figure. There stood Gus, his mouth wide open, his eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, wondering with all his might at the strange thing that had just happened to me. " Who is that Titmarsh 1 " says Gus : " there's a coronet on the carriage, by Jingo ! " CHAPTER III HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A MAGNIFICENT CHARIOT, AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD LUCK I SAT on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young lady, about my dear Mary's age — that is to say, seventeen and three-quarters; and opposite us sat the old Countess and her other granddaughter — handsome too, but ten years older. I re- collect I had on that day my blue coat and brass buttons, nankeen trousers, a white sprig waistcoat, and one of Dando's silk hats, that had just come in in the year '22, and looked a great deal more glossy than the best beaver. " And who was that hidjus manster " — that was the way her Ladyship pronounced, — "that ojous vulgar wretch, with the iron heels to his boots, and the big mouth, and the imitation goold neck- chain, who steered at us so as we got into the carr'age 1 " How she should have known that G-us's chain was mosaic, I can't tell ; but so it was, and we had bought it for five-and-twenty and sixpence only the week before at M'Phail's, in St. Paul's Churchyard. But I did not like to hear my friend abused, and so spoke out for him — "Ma'am," says I, "that young gentleman's name is Augustus Hoskins. We live together; and a better or more kind-hearted fellow does not exist." "You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir," said the second lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady Jane, but whom the grandmamma called Lady Jene. " Well, upon me canscience, so he is now, Lady Jene ; and I like sper't in a young man. So his name is Hoskins, is it 1 I know, my dears, all the Hoskinses in England. There are the Lincolnshire Hoskinses, the Shropshire Hoskinses : they say the Admiral's daughter, Bell, was in love with a black footman, or boatswain, or some such thing; but the world's so censorious. There's old Doctor Hoskins of Bath, who attended poor dear Drum in the quinsy ; and poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty General : I remember him as thin as a lath in the year '84, and as active 20 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH as a harlequin, and in love with me — oh, how he was in love with me ! " "You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days, grandmamma 1 " said Lady Jane. " Hundreds, my dear, — hundreds of thousands. I was the toast of Bath, and a great beauty, too : would you ever have thought it now, upon your conscience and without flattery, Mr.-a-What-d'ye- call-'im 1 " " Indeed, ma'am, I never should," I answered, for the old lady was as ugly as possible; and at my saying this the two young ladies began screaming with laughter, and I saw the two great- whiskered footmen grinning over the back of the carriage. " Upon my word, you're mighty candid, Mr. What's-your-name — mighty candid indeed; but I like candour in young people. But a beauty I was. Just ask your friend's uncle the General. He's one of the Lincolnshire Hoskinses — I knew he was by the strong family likeness. Is he the eldest son 1 It's a pretty property, though sadly encumbered ; for old Sir George was the diwle of a man — a friend of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton, and those horrid, monstrous, ojous people ! How much will he have now, mister, when the Admiral dies 1 " " Why, ma'am, I can't say ; but the Admiral is not my friend's father." "Not his father? — but he is, I tell you, and I'm never wrong. Who is his father, then ? " " Ma'am, Gus's father's a leatherseller in Skinner Street, Snow Hill — a very respectable house, ma'am. But Gus is only third son, and so can't expect a great share in the property." The two young ladies smiled at this — the old lady said "Hwat?" " I like you, sir," Lady Jane said, " for not being ashamed of your friends, whatever their rank of life may be. Shall we have the pleasure of setting you down anywhere, Mr. Titmarsh ? " " Noways particular, my Lady," says I. " We have a holiday at our office to-day — at least Roundhand gave me and Gus leave ; and I shall be very happy, indeed, to take a drive in the Park, if it's no offence." " I'm sure it will give us — infinite pleasure," said Lady Jane ; though rather in a grave way. " Oh, that it will ! " says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands : "won't it, grandmamma? And after we have been in the Park, we can walk in Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good enough to accompany us." " Indeed, Fanny, we will do no such thing," says Lady Jane. " Indeed, but we will, though ! " shrieked out Lady Drum. AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 21 "Ain't I dying to know everything about his uncle and thirteen aunts? and you're all chattering so, you young women, that not a blessed syllable will you allow me or my young friend here to speak." Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say a single word more. Lady Fanny, who was as gay as a young kitten (if I may be allowed so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, and blushed, and giggled, and seemed quite to enjoy her sister's ill-humour. And the Countess began at once, and entered into the history of the thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which was not near finished when we entered the Park. When there, you can't think what hundreds of gents on horse- back came to the carriage and talked to the ladies. They had their joke for Lady Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way ; their bow for Lady Jane; and, the young ones especially, their compliment for Lady Fanny. Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady- Fanny seemed to be thinking of something else ; for she kept her head out of the carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if she expected to see somebody. Aha ! my Lady Fanny, / knew what it meant when a young pretty lady like you was absent, and on the look-out, and only half answered the questions put to her. Let alone Sam Titmarsh — he knows what Somebody means as well as another, I warrant. As I saw these manoeuvres going on, I could not help just giving a wink to Lady Jane, as much as to say I knew what was what. "I guess the young lady is looking for Somebody," says I. It was then her turn to look queer, I assure you, and she blushed as red as scarlet; but after a minute, the good-natured little thing looked at her sister, and both the young ladies put their handkerchiefs up to their faces, and began laughing — laughing as if I had said the funniest thing in the world. "II est charmant, votre monsieur." said Lady Jane to her grand- mamma; and on which I bowed, and said, "Madame, vous me faites beaucoup d'honneur:" for I know the French language, and was pleased to find that these good ladies had taken a liking to me. "I'm a poor humble lad, ma'am, not used to London society, and do really feel it quite kind of you to take me by the hand so, and give me a drive in your fine carriage." At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale face and a tuft to his chin, came riding up to the carriage ; and I knew by a little start that Lady Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking round the other way, that Somebody was come at last. "Lady Drum," said he, "your most devoted servant ! I have 22 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH just been riding with a gentleman who almost shot himself for love of the beautiful Countess of Drum in the year— never mind the year." "Was it Emblazes?" said the lady: "he's a dear old man, and I'm quite ready to go off with him this minute. Or was it that delight of an old bishop 1 He's got a lock of my hair now — I gave it him when he was papa's chaplain; and let me tell you it would be a hard matter to find another now in the same place." " Law, my Lady ! " says I, " you don't say so 1 " " But indeed I do, my good sir," says she ; "for between ourselves, my head's as bare as a cannon ball — ask Fanny if it isn't. Such a fright as the poor thing got when she was a babby, and came upon me suddenly in my dressing-room without my wig ! " " I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock," said " Somebody," looking first at her, and then at me as if he had a mind to swallow me. And would you believe it? all that Lady Fanny could say was, " Pretty well, I thank you, my Lord " ; and she said this with as much fluttering and blushing as we used to say our Virgil at school — when we hadn't learned it. My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered something about having hoped to find a seat in Lady Drum's carriage, as he was tired of riding ; on which Lady Fanny muttered something, too, about a "friend of grandmamma's." " You should say a friend of yours, Fanny," says Lady Jane : "I am sure we should never have come to the Park if Fanny had not insisted upon bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither. Let me introduce the Earl of Tiptoff to Mr. Titmarsh." But instead of taking off his hat, as I did mine, his Lordship growled out that he hoped for another opportunity, and galloped off again on his black horse. Why the deuce / should have offended him I never could under- stand. But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day ; for who should presently come up but the Right Honourable Edmund Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State (as I knew very well by the almanac in our office) and the husband of Lady Jane ? The Right Honourable Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat pale-faced man, who looked as if he never went into the open air. " Who the devil's that ? " said he to his wife, looking surlily both at me and her. " Oh, it's a friend of grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady Fanny at once, looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite archly at AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 23 her sister — who in her turn appeared quite frightened, and looked imploringly at her sister, and never dared to breathe a syllable. " Yes, indeed," continued Lady Fanny, " Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin of grandmamma's by the mother's side : by the Hoggarty side. Didn't you know the Hoggarties when you were in Ireland, Edmund, with Lord Bagwig? Let me introduce you to grandmamma's cousin, Mr. Titmarsh : Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. Edmund Preston." There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister's foot as hard as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no notice ; and I, who had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded as could be. But I did not know the Countess of Drum near so well as that sly minx her granddaughter did ; for the old lady, who had just before called poor Gus Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared, the mania of fancying all the world related to her, and said — " Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed. Mick Hoggarty 's grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she and my Aunt Towzer were related, as all the world knows ; for Decimus Brady, of Bally- brady, married an own cousin of Aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swift — that was no relation of the Dean's, my love, who came but of a so-so family — and isn't that clear 1 " " Oh, perfectly, grandmamma," said Lady Jane, laughing, while the right honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and surly. " And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund 1 — the thirteen red-haired girls — the nine graces, and four over, as poor Glanboy used to call them. Poor Clan ! — a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. Titmarsh, and sadly in love with me he was too. Not remember them all now, Edmund? — not remember? — not remember Biddy and Minny, and Thedy and Widdy, and Mysie and Grizzy, and Polly and Dolly, and the rest?" " D — the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," said the right honourable gent ; and he said it with such energy, that his grey horse gave a sudden lash out that well-nigh sent him over his head. Lady Jane screamed ; Lady Fanny laughed ; old Lady Drum looked as if she did not care twopence, and said " Serve you right for swearing, you ojous man you ! " "Hadn't you better come into the carriage, Edmund — Mr. Preston ? " cried out the lady anxiously. " Oh, I'm sure I'll slip out, ma'am," says I. " Pooh — pooh ! don't stir," said Lady Drum : " it's my carriage ; and if Mr. Preston chooses to swear at a lady of my years in that ojous vulgar way — in that ojous vulgar way I repeat — I don't see 24 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH why my friends should be inconvenienced for him. Let him sit on the dicky if he likes, or come in and ride bodkin." It was quite clear that my Lady Drum hated her grandson-in-law heartily ; and I've remarked somehow in families that this kind of hatred is by no means uncommon. Mr. Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State, was, to tell the truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to get away from the kicking plunging brute. His pale face looked still paler than before, and his hands and legs trembled, as he dismounted from the cob and gave the reins to his servant. I disliked the looks of the chap — of the master, I mean — at the first moment he came up, when he spoke rudely to that nice gentle wife of his ; and I thought he was a cowardly fellow, as the adventure of the cob showed him to be. Heaven bless you ! a baby could have ridden it ; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at the very first kick. " Oh, quick ! do come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing ; and the carriage steps being let down, and giving me a great scowl as he came in, he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's corner (I warrant you I wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue cried out, " Oh no ! by no means, Mr. Preston. Shut the door, Thomas. And oh ! what fun it will be to show all the world a Secretary of State riding bodkin ! " And pretty glum the Secretary of State looked, I assure you ! " Take my place, Edmund, and don't mind Fanny's folly," said Lady Jane timidly. "Oh no ! Pray, madam, don't stir ! I'm comfortable, very comfortable ; and so I hope is this Mr. — this gentleman." " Perfectly, I assure you," says I. " I was going to offer to ride your horse home for you, as you seemed to be rather frightened at it ; but the fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I couldn't move." Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that ! — how her little eyes twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckered up ! I couldn't help speaking, for, look you, my blood was up. "We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh," says she ; and handed me a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a pinch, and sneezed with the air of a lord. " As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady Jane Preston, hadn't you better invite him home to dinner 1 " says Mr. Preston, quite blue with rage. "I invited him into my carr'age," says the old lady; "and as we are going to dine at your house, and you press it, I'm sure I shall be very happy to see him there." AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 25 " I'm very sorry I'm engaged," said I. " Oh, indeed, what a pity ! " says Right Honourable Ned, still glowering at his wife. " What a pity that this gentleman — I forget his name — that your friend, Lady Jane, is engaged ! I am sure you would have had such gratification in meeting your relation in Whitehall." Lady Drum was over-fond of rinding out relations to be sure ; but this speech of Right Honourable Ned's was rather too much. "Now, Sam," says I, "be a man and show your spirit!" So I spoke up at once, and said, "Why, ladies, as the right honourable gent is so very pressing, I'll give up my engagement, and shall have sincere pleasure in cutting mutton with him. What's your hour, sir?" He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care ; for, you see, I did not intend to dine with the man, but only to give him a lesson of manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and hear people cry out how vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask three times for cheese, and such like points of ceremony, there's something, I think, much more vulgar than all this, and that is, insolence to one's inferiors. I hate the chap that uses it, as I scorn him of humble rank that affects to be of the fashion; and so I determined to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my mind. When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then, taking hold of Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies and the two big servants — upon my word I did — " Sir," says I, " this kind old lady asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it to please her, not myself. When you came up and asked who the devil I was, I thought you might have put the question in a more polite manner ; but it wasn't my business to speak. When, by way of a joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I would answer in a joke too, and here I am. But don't be frightened ; I'm not a-going to dine with you : only if you play the same joke upon other parties — on some of the chaps in our office, for example — I recommend you to have a care, or they will take you at your word" " Is that all, sir 1 " says Mr. Preston, still in a rage. " If you have done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants turn you out 1 Turn out this fellow ! do you hear me ? " and he broke away from me, and flung into his study in a rage. "He's an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband of yours ! " said Lady Drum, seizing hold of her elder granddaughter's arm, " and I hate him ; and so come away, for the dinner '11 be getting cold : " and she was for hurrying away Lady Jane without more ado. But that kind lady, coming forward, looking very pale 26 THE HISTOKY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH and trembling, said, " Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope you'll not be angry —that is, that you'll forget what has happened, for, believe me, it has given me very great — Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing's eyes filled with tears ; and Lady Drum crying out " Tut, tut ! none of this nonsense," pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs. But little Lady Fanny walked boldly up to me, and held me out her little hand, and gave mine such a squeeze, and said, " Good-bye, my dear Mr. Titmarsh," so very kindly, that I'm blest if I did not blush up to the ears, and all the blood in my body began to tingle. So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out of the hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as brave as a lion ; and all I wished for was that one of those saucy grinning footmen should say or do something to me that was the least uncivil, so that I might have the pleasure of knocking him down, with my best compliments to his master. But neither of them did me any such favour ! and I went away and dined at home off boiled mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins quite peacefully. I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between our- selves, is rather curious, and inclined to tittle-tattle) all the parti- culars of the family quarrel of which I had been the cause and witness, and so just said that the old lady ("They were the Drum arms," says Gus ; " for I went and looked them out that minute in the ' Peerage ' ")— that the old lady turned out to be a cousin of mine, and that she had taken me to drive in the Park. Next day we went to the office as usual, when you may be sure that Hoskins told everything of what had happened, and a great deal more; and somehow, though I did not pretend to care sixpence about the matter, I must confess that I ivas rather pleased that the gents in our office should hear of a part of my adventure. But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs. Stokes the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes her daughter, and Master Bob Stokes her son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing marbles on St. Bride's steps and in Salisbury Square), — when I found them all bustling and tumbling up the steps before me to our rooms on the second floor, and there, on the table, between our two flutes on one side, my album, Gus's " Don Juan " and " Peerage " on the other, I saw as follows : — 1. A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my dear Mary Smith. 2. A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes. AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 27 3. An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was ; but Mrs. Stokes said it was the primest haunch of venison that ever she saw. And three cards — viz. — DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUM. LADY FANNY RAKES. MR. PRESTON. LADY JANE PRESTON. EARL OF TIPTOFF. " Sich a carriage ! " says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the way the poor thing spoke). "Sich a carriage — all over coronites! sich liveries — two great footmen, with red whiskers and yellowplush small- clothes ; and inside, a very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a young one with a great Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great tall pale gentleman with a tuft on his chin. " ' Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here 1 ' says the young lady, with her clear voice. "'Yes, my Lady,' says I; 'but he's at the office— the West Diddlesex Fire and Life Office, CornhiU.' "'Charles, get out the things,' says the gentleman, quite solemn. " 'Yes, my Lord,' says Charles; and brings me out the haunch in a newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see it, and the two baskets of fruit besides. " ' Have the kindness, madam,' says my Lord, ' to take these things to Mr. Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with Lady Jane Preston's compliments, and request his acceptance of them ; ' and then he pulled out the cards on your table, and this letter, sealed with his Lordship's own crown." And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to this day, by the way, and which runs thus : — "The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane Preston to express her sincere regret and disappointment that she was not able yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh's com- pany. Lady Jane is about to leave town immediately : she will therefore be unable to receive her friends in Whitehall Place this season. But Lord Tiptoff trusts that Mr. Titmarsh will have the kindness to accept some of the produce of her Ladyship's garden and park ; with which, perhaps, he will entertain some of those friends in whose favour he knows so well how to speak." 28 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH Along with this was a little note, containing the words " Lady Drum at home. Friday evening, June 17." And all this came to me because my aunt Hoggarty had given me a diamond-pin ! I did not send back the venison : as why should 1 1 Gus was for sending it at once to Brough, our director ; and the grapes and peaches to my aunt in Somersetshire. "But no," says I; "we'll ask Bob Swinney and half-a-dozen more of our gents ; and we'll have a merry night of it on Saturday." And a merry night we had too ; and as we had no wine in the cupboard, we had plenty of ale, and gin-punch afterwards. And Gus sat at the foot of the table, and I at the head ; and we sang songs, both comic and sentimental, and drank toasts ; and I made a speech that there is no possibility of mentioning here, because, entre nous, I had quite forgotten in the morning everything that had taken place after a certain period on the night before. CHAPTER IV HOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND-NEARER DINES AT PENTONVILLE I DID not go to the office till half-an-hour after opening time on Monday. If the truth must be told, I was not sorry to let Hoskins have the start of me, and tell the chaps what had taken place, — for we all have our little vanities, and I liked to be thought well of by my companions. When I came in, I saw my business had been done, by the way in which the chaps looked at me; especially Abednego, who offered me a pinch out of his gold snuff-box the very first thing. Roundhand shook me, too, warmly by the hand, when he came round to look over my day-book, said I wrote a capital hand (and indeed I believe I do, without any sort of flattery), and invited me for dinner next Sunday, in Myddelton Square. " You won't have," said he, " quite such a grand turn-out as with your friends at the West End " — he said this with a particular accent — " but Amelia and I are always happy to see a friend in our plain way, — pale sherry, old port, and cut and come again. Hey ? " I said I would come and bring Hoskins too. He answered that I was very polite, and that he should be very happy to see Hoskins ; and we went accordingly at the appointed day and hour ; but though Gus was eleventh clerk and I twelfth, I remarked that at dinner I was helped first and best. I had twice as many force-meat balls as Hoskins in my mock-turtle, and pretty nearly all the oysters out of the sauce-boat. Once Roundhand was going to help Gus before me ; when his wife, who was seated at the head of the table, looking very big and fierce in red crape and a turban, shouted out, " ANTONY ! " and poor R. dropped the plate, and blushed as red as anything. How Mrs. R. did talk to me about the West End, to be sure ! She had a " Peerage," as you may be certain, and knew everything about the Drum family in a manner that quite astonished me. She asked me how much Lord Drum had a year ; whether I thought he had twenty, thirty, forty, or a hundred and fifty thousand a year ; whether I was invited to Drum Castle ; what the young ladies wore, and if they had those odious 30 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH gigot sleeves which were just coming in then; and here Mrs. R. looked at a pair of large mottled arms that she was very proud of. " I say, Sam my boy ! " cried, in the midst of our talk, Mr. Roundhand, who had been passing the port-wine round pretty freely, " I hope you looked to the main chance, and put in a few shares of the West Diddlesex,— hey 1" " Mr. Roundhand, have you put up the decanters downstairs "? " cries the lady, quite angry, and wishing to stop the conversation. " No, Milly, I've emptied 'em," says R. " Don't Milly me, sir ! and have the goodness to go down and tell Lancy my maid " (a look at me) " to make the tea in the study. We have a gentleman here who is not used to Pentonville ways " (another look) ; " but he won't mind the ways of friends.'" And here Mrs. Roundhand heaved her very large chest, and gave me a third look that was so severe, that I declare to goodness it made me look quite foolish. As to Gus, she never so much as spoke to him all the evening ; but he consoled himself with a great lot of muffins, and sat most of the evening (it was a cruel hot summer) whistling and talking with Roundhand on the verandah. I think I should like to have been with them, — for it was very close in the room with that great big Mrs. Roundhand squeezing close up to one on the sofa. " Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer1? " I heard Hoskins say, who was leaning over the balcony, and ogling the girls coming home from church. " You and me with our coats off, plenty of cold rum-and-water, Mrs. Roundhand at Margate, and a whole box of Manillas 1 " " Hush ! " said Roundhand, quite eagerly ; " Milly will hear." But Milly didn't hear : for she was occupied in telling me an immense long story about her waltzing with the Count de Schlop- penzollern at the City ball to the Allied Sovereigns ; and how the Count had great large white moustaches ; and how odd she thought it to go whirling round the room with a great man's arm round your waist. " Mr. Roundhand has never allowed it since our marriage — never; but in the year 'fourteen it was considered a proper com- pliment, you know, to pay the sovereigns. So twenty-nine young ladies, of the best families in the City of London, I assure you, Mr. Titmarsh — there was the Lord Mayor's own daughters ; Alderman Dobbins's gals; Sir Charles Hopper's three, who have the great house in Baker Street; and your humble servant, who was rather slimmer in those days — twenty-nine of us had a dancing-master on purpose, and practised waltzing in a room over the Egyptian Hall at the Mansion House. He was a splendid man, that Count Schlop- penzollern ! " AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 31 " I am sure, ma'am," says I, " he had a splendid partner ! " and blushed up to my eyes when I said it. " Get away, you naughty creature ! " says Mrs. Roundhand, giving me a great slap : " you're all the same, you men in the West End — all deceivers. The Count was just like you. Heigho ! Before you marry, it's all honey and compliments ; when you win us, it's all coldness and indifference. Look at Roundhand, the great baby, trying to beat down a butterfly with his yellow bandanna ! Can a man like that comprehend me *? can he fill the void in my heart "? " (She pronounced it without the h ; but that there should be no mistake, laid her hand upon the place meant.) " Ah, no ! Will you be so neglectful when you marry, Mr. Titmarsh ? " As she spoke, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, and I fell a-thinking of my dear dear Mary Smith in the country, walking home to her grandmother's, in her modest grey cloak, as the bells were chiming and the air full of the sweet smell of the hay, and the river shining in the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and silver. There was my dear Mary a hundred and twenty miles off, in Somersetshire, walking home from church along with Mr. Snorter's family, with which she came and went ; and I was listening to the talk of this great leering vulgar woman. I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you have heard me speak of; and putting my hand mechanically upon my chest, I tore my fingers with the point of my new DIAMOND-PIN. Mr. Polonius had sent it home the night before, and I sported it for the first time at Roundhand's to dinner. " It's a beautiful diamond," said Mrs. Roundhand. " I have been looking at it all dinner-time. How rich you must be to wear such splendid things ! and how can you remain in a vulgar office in the City — you who have such great acquaintances at the West End 1 " The woman had somehow put me in such a passion that I bounced off the sofa, and made for the balcony without answering a word, — ay, and half broke my head against the sash, too, as I went out to the gents in the open air. " Gus," says I, " I feel very unwell : I wish you'd come home with me." And Gus did not desire anything better ; for he had ogled the last girl out of the last church, and the night was beginning to fall. " What ! already 1 " said Mrs. Roundhand ; " there is a lobster coming up, — a trifling refreshment; not what he's accustomed to, but " I am sorry to say I nearly said, " D — the lobster ! " as Round- hand went and whispered to her that I was ill. " Ay," said Gus, looking very knowing. " Recollect, Mrs. R., that he was at the West End on Thursday, asked to dine, ma'am, 32 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH with the tiptop nobs. Chaps don't dine at the West End for nothing, do they, R. 1 If you play at bowls, you know " " You must look out for rubbers," said Roundhand, as quick as thought. " Not in my house of a Sunday," said Mrs. R., looking very fierce and angry. " Not a card shall be touched here. Are we in a Protestant land, sir 1 in a Christian country 1 " "My dear, you don't understand. We were not talking of rubbers of whist." " There shall be no game at all in the house of a Sabbath eve," said Mrs. Roundhand ; and out she flounced from the room, without ever so much as wishing us good-night. " Do stay," said the husband, looking very much frightened, — " do stay. She won't come back while you're here ; and I do wish you'd stay so." But we wouldn't : and when we reached Salisbury Square, I gave Gus a lecture about spending his Sundays idly ; and read out one of Blair's sermons before we went to bed. As I turned over in bed, I could not help thinking about the luck the pin had brought me ; and it was not over yet, as you will see in the next chapter. CHAPTER V HOW THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE TO tell the truth, though, about the pin, although I mentioned it almost the last thing in the previous chapter, I assure you it was by no means the last thing in my thoughts. It had come home from Mr. Polonius's, as I said, on Saturday night ; and Gus and I happened to be out enjoying ourselves, half-price, at Sadler's Wells ; and perhaps we took a little refreshment on our way back : but that has nothing to do with my story. On the table, however, was the little box from the jeweller's ; and when I took it out, — my, how the diamond did twinkle and glitter by the light of our one candle ! "I'm sure it would light up the room of itself," says Gus. " I've read they do in — in history." It was in the history of Cogia Hassan Alhabbal, in the " Arabian Nights," as I knew very well. But we put the candle out, never- theless, to try. "Well, I declare to goodness it does illuminate the old place ! " says Gus ; but the fact was, that there was a gas-lamp opposite our window, and I believe that was the reason why we could see pretty well. At least in my bedroom, to which I was obliged to go without a candle, and of which the window looked out on a dead wall, I could not see a wink, in spite of the Hoggarty diamond, and was obliged to grope about in the dark for a pincushion which Somebody gave me (I don't mind owning it was Mary Smith), and in which I stuck it for the night. But, somehow, I did not sleep much for thinking of it, and woke very early in the morning ; and, if the truth must be told, stuck it in my night-gown, like a fool, and admired myself very much in the glass. Gus admired it as much as I did; for since my return, and especially since my venison dinner and drive with Lady Drum, he thought I was the finest fellow in the world, and boasted about his " West End friend " everywhere. As we were going to dine at Roundhand's, and I had no black satin stock to set it off, I was obliged to place it in the frill of my 3 C 34 THE HISTOEY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH best shirt, which tore the muslin sadly, by the way. However, the diamond had its effect on my entertainers, as we have seen j rather too much perhaps on one of them ; and next day I wore it down at the office, as Gus would make me do; though it did not look near so well in the second day's shirt as on the first day, when the linen was quite clear and bright with Somersetshire washing. The chaps at the West Diddlesex all admired it hugely, except that snarling Scotchman M'Whirter, fourth clerk, — out of envy because I did not think much of a great yellow stone, named a carum-gorum, or some such thing, which he had in a snuff-mull, as he called it, — all except M'Whirter, I say, were delighted with it; and Abednego himself, who ought to know, as his father was in the line, told me the jewel was worth at least ten poundsh, and that his governor would give me as much for it. " That's a proof," says Roundhand, " that Tit's diamond is worth at least thirty." And we all laughed, and agreed it was. Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that was paid me, turned my head a little ; and as all the chaps said I must have a black satin stock to set the stone off, I was fool enough to buy a stock that cost me five-and-twenty shillings, at Ludlam's in Piccadilly : for Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure, and have none of our cheap and common East End stuff. I might have had one for sixteen and six in Cheapside, every whit as good ; but when a young lad becomes vain, and wants to be fashionable, you see he can't help being extravagant. Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of venison business, and my relationship with Lady Drum and the Right Honourable Edmund Preston : only Abednego, who told him, said I was her Ladyship's first cousin ; and this made Brough think more of me, and no worse than before. Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for Rottenburgh ; and being considered one of the richest men in the City of London, used to receive all the great people of the land at his villa at Fulham ; and we often read in the papers of the rare doings going on there. Well, the pin certainly worked wonders : for not content merely with making me a present of a ride in a countess's carriage, of a haunch of venison and two baskets of fruit, and the dinner at Roundhand's above described, my diamond had other honours in store for me, and procured me the honour of an invitation to the house of our director, Mr. Brough. Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball at his house at Fulham ; and by the accounts of the entertainment brought back by one or two of our chaps who had been invited, AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 35 it was one of the most magnificent things to be seen about London. You saw Members of Parliament there as thick as peas in July, lords and ladies without end. There was everything and everybody of the tiptop sort ; and I have heard that Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley Square, supplied the ices, supper, and footmen, — though of the latter Brough kept a plenty, but not enough to serve the host of people who came to him. The party, it must be remembered, was J//x Brough's party, not the gentleman's, — he being in the Dissent- ing way, would scarcely sanction any entertainments of the kind : but he told his City friends that his lady governed him in every- thing; and it was generally observed that most of them would allow their daughters to go to the ball if asked, on account of the immense number of the nobility which our director assembled together : Mrs. Roundhand, I know, for one, would have given one of her ears to go ; but, as I have said before, nothing would induce Brough to ask her. Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the brother of an East Indian director, were the only two of our gents invited, as we knew very well : for they had received their invita- tions many weeks before, and bragged about them not a little. But two days before the ball, and after my diamond-pin had had its due effect upon the gents at the office, Abednego, who had been in the directors' room, came to my desk with a great smirk, and said, " Tit, Mr. B. says that he expects you will come down with Roundhand to the ball on Thursday." I thought Moses was joking, — at any rate, that Mr. B.'s message was a queer one ; for people don't usually send invitations in that abrupt peremptory sort of way ; but, sure enough, he presently came down himself and con- firmed it, saying, as he was going out of the office, " Mr. Titmarsh, you will come down on Thursday to Mrs. Brough's party, where you will see some relations of yours," " West End again ! " says that Gus Hoskins ; and accordingly down I went, taking a place in a cab which Roundhand hired for himself, Gutch, and me, and for which he very generously paid eight shillings. There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of lamps in the lodge and in the garden, nor the crowd of carriages that came in at the gates, nor the troops of curious people outside ; nor the ices, fiddlers, wreaths of flowers, and cold supper within. The whole description was beautifully given in a fashionable paper, by a reporter who observed the same from the "Yellow Lion" over the way, and told it in his journal in the most accurate manner; getting an account of the dresses of the great people from their footmen and coachmen, when they came to the alehouse for their $6 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH porter. As for the names of the guests, they, you may be sure, found their way to the same newspaper : and a great laugh was had at my expense, because among the titles of the great people men- tioned my name appeared in the list of the " Honourables." Next day, Brough advertised " a hundred and fifty guineas reward for an emerald necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq., at Fulham ; " though some of our people said that no such thing was lost at all, and that Brough only wanted to advertise the magnifi- cence of his society; but this doubt was raised by persons not invited, and envious no doubt. Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged myself in my best clothes, viz., my blue coat and brass buttons before mentioned, nankeen trousers and silk stockings, a white waistcoat, and a pair of white gloves bought for the occasion. But my coat was of country make, very high in the waist and short in the sleeves, and I suppose must have looked rather odd to some of the great people assembled, for they stared at me a great deal, and a whole crowd formed to see me dance — which I did to the best of my power, performing all the steps accurately and with great agility, as I had been taught by our dancing-master in the country. And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance '{ With no less a person than Lady Jane Preston ; who, it appears, had not gone out of town, and who shook me most kindly by the hand when she saw me, and asked me to dance with her. We had my Lord Tiptoff and Lady Fanny Rakes for our vis-a-vis. You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, and admired my dancing too, for I cut the very best of capers, quite different to the rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who walked through the quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and stared at my activity with all their might. But when I have a dance I like to enjoy myself: and Mary Smith often said I was the very best partner at our assemblies. While we were dancing, I told Lady Jane how Roundhand, Gutch, and I had come down three in a cab, besides the driver ; and my account of our adventures made her Ladyship laugh, I warrant you. Lucky it was for me that I didn't go back in the same vehicle , for the driver went and intoxi- cated himself at the "Yellow Lion," threw out Gutch and our head clerk as he was driving them back, and actually fought Gutch after- wards and blacked his eye, because he said that Gutch's red waist- coat frightened the horse. Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride home : for she said she had a fourth place in her carriage, and asked me if I would accept it , and positively, at two o'clock in the morning, there was I, after setting the ladies and my Lord down, AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 37 driven to Salisbury Square in a great thundering carriage, with flaming lamps and two tall footmen, who nearly knocked the door and the whole little street down with the noise they made at the rapper. You should have seen Gus's head peeping out of window in his white nightcap ! He kept me up the whole night telling him about the ball, and the great people I had seen there ; and next day he told at the office my stories, with his own usual embroideries upon them. "Mr. Titmarsh," said Lady Fanny, laughing to me, "who is that great fat curious man, the master of the house 1 Do you know he asked me if you were not related to us 1 and I said, ( Oh yes, you were.' " " Fanny ! " says Lady Jane. "Well," answered the other, "did not grandmamma say Mr. Titmarsh was her cousin 1 " " But you know that grandmamma's memory is not very good." " Indeed, you're wrong, Lady Jane," says my Lord ; " I think it's prodigious." " Yes, but not very — not very accurate." " No, my Lady," says I ; " for her Ladyship, the Countess of Drum, said, if you remember, that my friend Gus Hoskins — " Whose cause you supported so bravely," cries Lady Fanny. " — That my friend Gus is her Ladyship's cousin too, which cannot be, for I know all his family : they live in Skinner Street and St. Mary Axe, and are not — not quite so respectable as my relatives." At this they all began to laugh ; and my Lord said, rather haughtily — " Depend upon it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Drum is no more your cousin than she is the cousin of your friend Mr. Hoskinson." " Hoskins, my Lord — and so I told Gus ; but you see he is very fond of me, and will have it that I am related to Lady D. : and say what I will to the contrary, tells the story everywhere. Though, to be sure," added I with a laugh, " it has gained me no small good in my time." So I described to the party our dinner at Mrs. Round- hand's, which all came from my diamond-pin, and my reputation as a connection of the aristocracy. Then I thanked Lady Jane hand- somely for her magnificent present of fruit and venison, and told her that it had entertained a great number of kind friends of mine, who had drunk her Ladyship's health with the greatest gratitude. " A haunch of venison ! " cried Lady Jane, quite astonished ; M indeed, Mr. Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss to understand you." As we passed a gas-lamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, and turning her great arch sparkling black eyes at Lord Tiptoff. 38 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH " Why, Lady Jane," said he, " if the truth must out, the great haunch of venison trick was one of this young lady's performing. You must know that I had received the above-named haunch from Lord Guttlebury's park : and knowing that Preston is not averse to Guttlebury venison, was telling Lady Drum (in whose carriage I had a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was not in the way) that I intended the haunch for your husband's table. Whereupon my Lady Fanny, clapping together her little hands, declared and vowed that the venison should not go to Preston, but should be sent to a gentleman about whose adventures on the clay previous we had just been talking — to Mr. Titmarsh, in fact ; whom Preston, as Fanny vowed, had used most cruelly, and to whom, she said, a reparation was due. So my Lady Fanny insists upon our driving straight to my rooms in the Albany (you know I am only to stay in my bachelor's quarters a month longer) " " Nonsense ! " says Lady Fanny. "—Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the Albany, extracting thence the above-named haunch— "Grandmamma was very sorry to part with it," cries Lady Fanny. " — And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh's house in the City, where the venison was left, in company with a couple of baskets of fruit bought at Grange's by Lady Fanny herself." "And what was more," said Lady Fanny, "I made grand- mamma go into Fr into Lord TiptofFs rooms, and dictated out of my own mouth the letter which he wrote, and pinned up the haunch of venison that his hideous old housekeeper brought us — I am quite jealous of her — I pinned up the haunch of venison in a copy of the John Bull newspaper." It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which Gus and I read on Sunday at breakfast, and we nearly killed our- selves with laughing. The ladies laughed too when I told them this ; and good-natured Lady Jane said she would forgive her sister, and hoped I would too : which I promised to do as often as her Ladyship chose to repeat the offence. I never had any more venison from the family ; but I'll tell you what I had. About a month after came a card of " Lord and Lady Tiptoff," and a great piece of plum-cake ; of which, I am sorry to say, Gus ate a great deal too much. CHAPTER VI OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND HAD THERE WELL, the magic of the pin was not over yet. Very soon after Mrs. Brough's grand party, our director called me up to his room at the West Diddlesex, and after examin- ing my accounts, and speaking a while about business, said, " That's a very fine diamond-pin, Master Titmarsh " (he spoke in a grave patronising way), "and I called you on purpose to speak to you upon the subject. I do not object to seeing the young men of this establishment well and handsomely dressed ; but I know that their salaries cannot afford ornaments like those, and I grieve to see you with a thing of such value. You have paid for it, sir, — I trust you have paid for it; for, of all things, my dear — dear young friend, beware of debt." I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture about debt and my having bought the diamond-pin, as I knew that he had been asking about it already, and how I came by it — Abednego told me so. "Why, sir," says I, "Mr. Abednego told me that he had told you that I had told him " "Oh, ay — by-the-bye, now I recollect, Mr. Titmarsh — I do recollect — yes ; though I suppose, sir, you will imagine that I have other more important things to remember." " Oh, sir, in course," says I. " That one of the clerks did say something about a pin — that one of the other gentlemen had it. And so your pin was given you, was it 1 " "It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty," said I, raising my voice ; for I was a little proud of Castle Hoggarty. " She must be very rich to make such presents, Titmarsh ? " " Why, thank you, sir," says I, " she is pretty well off. Four hundred a year jointure ; a farm at Slopperton, sir ; three houses at Squashtail ; and three thousand two hundred loose cash at the banker's, as I happen to know, sir, — that's all." I did happen to know this, you see ; because, while I was down 4o THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH in Somersetshire, Mr. MacManus, my aunt's agent in Ireland, wrote to say that a mortgage she had on Lord Brallaghan's property had just been paid off, and that the money was lodged at Coutts's. Ireland was in a very disturbed state in those days ; and my aunt wisely determined not to invest her money in that country any more, but to look out for some good security in England. However, as she had always received six per cent, in Ireland, she would not hear of a smaller interest; and had warned me, as I was a com- mercial man, on coming to town, to look out for some means by which she could invest her money at that rate at least. " And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty's property so accurately 1 " said Mr. Brough ; upon which I told him. " Good heavens, sir ! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the West Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by a respectable lady as to the manner in which she should invest property, never spoke to her about the Company which you have the honour to serve1? Do you mean, sir, that you, knowing there was a bonus of five per cent, for yourself upon shares taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to join us1?" " Sir," says I, " I'm an honest man, and would not take a bonus from my own relation." " Honest I know you are, my boy — give me your hand ! So am I honest — so is every man in this Company honest; but we must be prudent as well. We have five millions of capital on our books, as you see — five bond fide millions of bond fide sovereigns paid up, sir — there is no dishonesty there. But why should we not have twenty millions — a hundred millions 1 Why should not this be the greatest commercial Association in the world1? — as it shall be, sir, — it shall, as sure as my name is John Brough, if Heaven bless my honest endeavours to establish it ! But do you suppose that it can be so, unless every man among us use his utmost exertions to forward the success of the enterprise? Never, sir, — never ; and, for me, I say so everywhere. I glory in what I do. There is not a house in which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of the West Diddlesex. There is not a single tradesman I employ, but has shares in it to some amount. My servants, sir, — my very servants and grooms, are bound up with it. And the first question I ask of any one who applies to me for a place is, Are you insured or a shareholder in the West Diddlesex 1 the second, Have you a good character1? And if the first question is answered in the negative, I say to the party coming to me, Then be a shareholder before you ask for a place in my household. Did you not see me — me, John Brough, whose name is good for millions — step out of my coach-and- four into this office, with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 41 Mr. Roundhand as the price of half a share for the porter at my lodge-gate ? Did you remark that I deducted a shilling from the five pound 1 " "Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and seventy-three ten and six — Thursday week," says I. " And why did I deduct that shilling, sir 1 Because it was my commission — John Brough's commission ; honestly earned by him, and openly taken. Was there any disguise about it 1 No. Did I do it for the love of a shilling? No," says Brough, laying his hand on his heart, " I did it from principle, — from that motive which guides every one of my actions, as I can look up to Heaven and say. I wish all my young men to see my example, and follow it : I wish — I pray that they may. Think of that example, sir. That porter of mine has a sick wife and nine young children : he is himself a sick man, and his tenure of life is feeble ; he has earned money, sir, in my service — sixty pounds and more — it is all his children have to look to — all : but for that, in the event of his death, they would be houseless beggars in the street. And what have I done for that family, sir ? I have put that money out of the reach of Robert Gates, and placed it so that it shall be a blessing to his family at his death. Every farthing is invested in shares in this office ; and Robert Gates, my lodge-porter, is a holder of three shares in the West Diddlesex Association, and, in that capacity, your master and mine. Do you think I want to cheat Gates 1 " " Oh, sir ! " says I. " To cheat that poor helpless man, and those tender innocent children ! — you can't think so, sir ; I should be a disgrace to human nature if I did But what boots all my energy and perseverance ? What though I place my friends' money, my family's money, my own money — my hopes, wishes, desires, ambitions — all upon this enterprise ? You young men will not do so. You, whom I treat with love and confidence as my children, make no return to me, When I toil, you remain still ; when I struggle, you look on. Say the word at once, — you doubt me ! 0 heavens, that this should be the reward of all my care and love for you ! " Here Mr. Brough was so affected that he actually burst into tears, and I confess I saw in its true light the negligence of which I had been guilty. " Sir," says I, " I am very — very sorry : it was a matter of delicacy, rather than otherwise, which induced me not to speak to my aunt about the West Diddlesex." "Delicacy, my dear dear boy — as if there can be any delicacy about making your aunt's fortune ! Say indifference to me, say ingratitude, say folly, — but don't say delicacy — no, no, not deli- 42 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH cacy. Be honest, my boy, and call things by their right names — always do." " It was folly and ingratitude, Mr. Brough," says I : " I see it all now ; and I'll write to my aunt this very post." " You had better do no such thing," says Brough bitterly : "the stocks are at ninety, and Mrs. Hoggarty can get three per cent, for her money." " I will write, sir, — upon my word and honour, I will write." "Well, as your honour is passed, you must, I suppose; for never break your word — no, not in a trifle, Titmarsh. Send me up the letter when you have done, and I'll frank it — upon my word and honour I will," says Mr. Brough, laughing, and holding out his hand to me. I took it, and he pressed mine very kindly — " You may as well sit down here," says he, as he kept hold of it ; " there is plenty of paper." And so I sat down and mended a beautiful pen, and began and wrote, "Independent West Diddlesex Association, June 1822," and "My dear Aunt," in the best manner possible. Then I paused a little, thinking what I should next say; for I have always found that difficulty about letters. The date and My dear So-and-so one writes off immediately — it is the next part which is hard; and I put my pen in my mouth, flung myself back in my chair, and began to think about it. " Bah ! " said Brough, " are you going to be about this letter all day, my good fellow? Listen to me, and I'll dictate to you in a moment." So he began : — " { MY DEAR AUNT, — Since my return from Somersetshire, I am very happy indeed to tell you that I have so pleased the managing director of our Association and the Board, that they have been good enough to appoint me third clerk ' " " Sir ! " says I. "Write what I say. Mr. Roundhand, as has been agreed by the board yesterday, quits the clerk's desk and takes the title of secretary and actuary. Mr. Highmore takes his place; Mr. Abednego follows him; and I place you as third clerk — as * third clerk (write), with a salary of a hundred and fifty pounds per annum. This news will, I know, gratify my dear mother and you, who have been a second mother to me all my life. ' When I was last at home, I remember you consulted me as to the best mode of laying out a sum of money which was lying useless AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 43 in your banker's hands. I have since lost no opportunity of gaining what information I could : and situated here as I am, in the very midst of affairs, I believe, although very young, I am as good a person to apply to as many others of greater age and standing. ' I frequently thought of mentioning to you our Association, but feelings of delicacy prevented me from doing so. I did not wish that any one should suppose that a shadow of self-interest could move me in any way. 'But I believe, without any sort of doubt, that the West Diddlesex Association offers the best security that you can expect for your capital, and, at the same time, the highest interest you can anywhere procure. ' The situation of the Company, as I have it from the very best authority (underline that), is as follows : — 'The subscribed and bond fide capital is FIVE MILLIONS STERLING. ' The body of directors you know. Suffice it to say that the managing director is John Brough, Esq., of the firm of Brough and Hoff, a Member of Parliament, and a man as well known as Mr. Rothschild in the City of London. His private fortune, I know for a fact, amounts to half a million ; and the last dividends paid to the shareholders of the I. W. D. Association amounted to 6| per cent, per annum.' [That I know was the dividend declared by us.] * Although the shares in the market are at a very great pre- mium, it is the privilege of the four first clerks to dispose of a certain number ,£5000 each at par ; and if you, my dearest aunt, would wish for .£2500 worth, I hope you will allow me to oblige you by offering you so much of my new privileges. ' Let me hear from you immediately upon the subject, as I have already an offer for the whole amount of my shares at market price.'" " But I haven't, sir," says I. "You have, sir. / will take the shares.; but I want you. I want as many respectable persons in the Company as I can bring. I want you because I like you, and I don't mind telling you that I have views of my own as well; for I am an honest man and say openly what I mean, and I'll tell you why I want you. I can't, by the regulations of the Company, have more than a certain number of votes, but if your aunt takes shares, I expect — I don't mind owning it — that she will vote with me. Now do you understand me 1 My object is to be all in all with the Company ; and if I be, 44 ME HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH I will make it the most glorious enterprise that ever was conducted in the City of London." So I signed the letter and left it with Mr. B. to frank. The next day I went and took my place at the third clerk's desk, being led to it by Mr. B., who made a speech to the gents, much to the annoyance of the other chaps, who grumbled about their services : though, as for the matter of that, our services were very much alike : the Company was only three years old, and the oldest clerk in it had not six months' more standing in it than I. " Look out," said that envious M'Whirter to me. " Have you got money, or have any of your relations money 1 or are any of them going to put it into the concern ? " I did not think fit to answer him, but took a pinch out of his mull, and was always kind to him ; and he, to say the truth, was always most civil to me. As for Gus Hoskins, he began to think I was a superior being ; and I must say that the rest of the chaps behaved very kindly in the matter, and said that if one man were to be put over their heads before another, they would have pitched upon me, for I had never harmed any of them, and done little kindnesses to several. " I know," says Abednego, " how you got the place. It was I who got it you. I told Brough you were a cousin of Preston's, the Lord of the Treasury, had venison from him and all that ; and depend upon it he expects that you will be able to do him some good in that quarter." I think there was some likelihood in what Abednego said, because our governor, as we called him, frequently spoke to me about my cousin ; told me to push the concern in the West End of the town, get as many noblemen as we could to insure with us, and so on. It was in vain I said I could do nothing with Mr. Preston. " Bah ! bah ! " says Mr. Brough, " don't tell me. People don't send haunches of venison to you for nothing ; " and I'm convinced he thought I was a very cautious prudent fellow, for not bragging about my great family, and keeping my connection with them a secret. To be sure he might have learned the truth from Gus, who lived with me ; but Gus would insist that I was hand in glove with all the nobility, and boasted about me ten times as much as I did myself. The chaps used to call me the " West Ender." "See," thought I, "what I have gained by Aunt Hoggarty giving me a diamond-pin ! What a lucky thing it is that she did not give me the money, as I hoped she would ! Had I not had the pin — had I even taken it to any other person but Mr. Polonius, Lady Drum would never have noticed me ; had Lady Drum never AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 45 noticed me, Mr. Brough never would, and I never should have been third clerk of the West Diddlesex." I took heart at all this, and wrote off on the very evening of my appointment to my dearest Mary Smith, giving her warning that a "certain event," for which one of us was longing very earnestly, might come off sooner than we had expected. And why not? Miss S.'s own fortune was .£70 a year, mine was ,£150, and when we had X300, we always vowed we would marry. " Ah ! " thought I, "if I could but go to Somersetshire now, I might boldly walk up to old Smith's door " (he was her grandfather, and a half- pay lieutenant of the navy), " I might knock at the knocker and see my beloved Mary in the parlour, and not be obliged to sneak behind hayricks on the look-out for her, or pelt stones at midnight at her window " My aunt, in a few days, wrote a pretty gracious reply to my letter. She had not determined, she said, as to the manner in which she should employ her three thousand pounds, but should take my offer into consideration; begging me to keep my shares open for a little while, until her mind was made up. What, then, does Mr. Brough do 1 I learned afterwards, in the year 1830, when he and the West Diddlesex Association had dis- appeared altogether, how he had proceeded. " Who are the attorneys at Slopperton 1 " says he to me in a careless way. "Mr. Ruck, sir," says I, "is the Tory solicitor, and Messrs. Hodge and Smithers the Liberals." I knew them very well, for the fact is, before Mary Smith came to live in our parts, I was rather partial to Miss Hodge, and her great gold-coloured ringlets; but Mary came and soon put her nose out of joint, as the saying is. " And you are of what politics 1 " "Why, sir, we are Liberals." I was rather ashamed of this, for Mr. Brough was an out-and-out Tory ; but Hodge and Smithers is a most respectable firm. I brought up a packet from them to Hickson, Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, our solicitors, who are their London correspondents. Mr. Brough only said, " Oh, indeed ! " and did not talk any further on the subject, but began admiring my diamond-pin very much. " Titmarsh. my dear boy," says he, " I have a young lady at Fulham who is worth seeing, I assure you, md who has heard so much about you from her father (for I like you, my boy, I don't care to own it), that she is rather anxious to see you too. Suppose you come down to us for a week? Abednego will do your work." " Law, sir ! you are very kind," says I. 46 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH "Well, you shall come down; and I hope you will like my claret. But hark ye ! I don't think, my dear fellow, you are quite smart enough — quite well enough dressed. Do you under- stand me ] " " I've my blue coat and brass buttons at home, sir." " What ! that thing with the waist between your shoulders that you wore at Mrs. Brough's party1?" (It was rather high- waisted, being made in the country two years before.) " No — no, that will never do. Get some new clothes, sir, — two new suits of clothes." " Sir ! " says I, " I'm already, if the truth must be told, very short of money for this quarter, and can't afford myself a new suit for a long time to come." " Pooh, pooh ! don't let that annoy you. Here's a ten-pound note but no, on second thoughts, you may as well go to my tailor's. I'll drive you down there : and never mind the bill, my good lad ! " And drive me down he actually did, in his grand coach-and-four, to Mr. Von Stiltz, in Clifford Street, who took my measure, and sent me home two of the finest coats ever seen, a dress-coat and a frock, a velvet waistcoat, a silk ditto, and three pairs of pantaloons, of the most beautiful make. Brough told me to get some boots and pumps, and silk stockings for evenings ; so that when the time came for me to go down to Fulham, I appeared as handsome as any young nobleman, and Gus said that " I looked, by Jingo, like a regular tiptop swell." In the meantime the following letter had been sent down to Hodge and Smithers : — " RAM ALLEY, CORNHILL, LONDON : July 1822. "DEARSlES, [This part being on private affairs relative to the cases of Dixon v. Haggerstony, Snodgrass v. Rubbidge and another, I am not permitted to extract.] " Likewise we beg to hand you a few more prospectuses of the Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, of which we have the honour to be the solicitors in London. We wrote to you last year, requesting you to accept the Slopperton and Somerset agency for the same, and have been expecting for AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 47 some time back that either shares or assurances should be effected by you. "The capital of the Company, as you know, is five millions sterling (say .£5,000,000), and we are -in a situation to offer more than the usual commission to our agents of the legal profession. We shall be happy to give a premium of 6 per cent, for shares to the amount of £1000, 6J per cent, above a thousand, to be paid immediately upon the taking of the shares. — I am, dear sirs, for self and partners, yours most faithfully, " SAMUEL JACKSON." This letter, as I have said, came into my hands some time afterwards. I knew nothing of it in the year 1822, when, in my new suit of clothes, I went down to pass a week at the Rookery, Fulham, residence of John Brough, Esquire, M.P. CHAPTER VII HOW SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT OF PROSPERITY IF I had the pen of a George Robins, I might describe the Rookery properly : suffice it, however, to say it is a very handsome country place ; with handsome lawns sloping down to the river, handsome shrubberies and conservatories, fine stables, outhouses, kitchen-gardens, and everything belonging to a first-rate rus in urbe, as the great auctioneer called it when he hammered it down some years after. I arrived on a Saturday at half-an-hour before dinner : a grave gentleman out of livery showed me to my room ; a man in a chocolate coat and gold lace, with Brough's crest on the buttons, brought me a silver shaving-pot of hot water on a silver tray; and a grand dinner was ready at six, at which I had the honour of appearing in Von Stiltz's dress-coat and my new silk stockings and pumps. Brough took me by the hand as I came in, and presented me to his lady, a stout fair-haired woman, in light blue satin ; then to his daughter, a tall, thin, dark-eyed girl, with beetle-brows, looking very ill-natured, and about eighteen. " Belinda my love," said her papa, " this young gentleman is one of my clerks, who was at our ball." " Oh, indeed ! " says Belinda, tossing up her head. " But not a common clerk, Miss Belinda, — so, if you please, we will have none of your aristocratic airs with him. He is a nephew of the Countess of Drum ; and I hope he will soon be very high in our establishment, and in the City of London." At the name of Countess (I had a dozen times rectified the error about our relationship), Miss Belinda made a low curtsey, and stared at me very hard, and said she would try and make the Rookery pleasant to any friend of papa's. " We have not much monde to- day," continued Miss Brough, "and are only in petit comite ; but I hope before you leave us you will see some societe that will make your sejour agreeable." I saw at once that she was a fashionable girl, from her using the French language in this way. AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 49 " Isn't she a fine girl ? " said Brough, whispering to me, and evi- dently as proud of her as a man could be. " Isn't she a fine girl — eh, you dog 1 Do you see breeding like that in Somersetshire 1 " " No, sir, upon my word ! " answered I, rather slyly ; for I was thinking all the while how "Somebody" was a thousand times more beautiful, simple, arid ladylike. " And what has my dearest love been doing all day 1 " said her papa. " Oh, pa ! I have pinc^d the harp a little to Captain Fizgig's flute. Didn't I, Captain Fizgig 1 " Captain the Honourable Francis Fizgig said, "Yes, Brough, your fair daughter pince'd the harp, and touched the piano, and e'gratigne'd the guitar, and e'corche'd a song or two ; and we had the pleasure of a promenade a I'eau, — of a walk upon the water." " Law, Captain ! " cries Mrs. Brough, " walk on the water 1 " " Hush, mamma, you don't understand French ! " says Miss Belinda, with a sneer. " It's a sad disadvantage, madam," says Fizgig gravely ; " and I recommend you and Brough here, who are coming out in the great world, to have some lessons ; or at least get up a couple of dozen phrases, and introduce them into your conversation here and there. I suppose, sir, you speak it commonly at the office, Mr. What-you- call-it?" And Mr. Fizgig put his glass into his eye, and looked at me. "We speak English, sir," says I, "knowing it better than French," "Everybody has not had your opportunities, Miss Brough," continued the gentleman. " Everybody has not voyage' like nous autres, hey 1 Mais que voulez-vous, my good sir 1 you must stick to your cursed ledgers and things. What's the French for ledger, Miss Belinda?" " How can you ask 1 Je n'en scais rien, I'm sure." "You should learn, Miss Brough," said her father. "The daughter of a British merchant need not be ashamed of the means by which her father gets his bread. I'm not ashamed — I'm not proud. Those who know John Brough, know that ten years ago he was a poor clerk like my friend Titmarsh here, and is now worth half a million. Is there any man in the House better listened to than John Brough ? Is there any duke in the land that can give a better dinner than John Brough; or a larger fortune to his daughter than John Brough 1 Why, sir, the humble person now speaking to you could buy out many a German duke ! But I'm not proud — no, no, not proud. There's my daughter — look at her — when I die she will be mistress of my fortune ; but 50 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH am I proud ? No ! Let him who can win her, marry her, that's what I say. Be it you, Mr. Fizgig, son of a peer of the realm ; or you, Bill Tidd. Be it a duke or a shoeblack, what do I care, hey 1 — what do I care 1 " " 0-o-oh ! " sighed the gent who went by the name of Bill Tidd : a very pale young man, with a black riband round his neck instead of a handkerchief, and his collars turned down like Lord Byron. He was leaning against the mantelpiece, and with a pair of great green eyes ogling Miss Brough with all his might. " Oh, John — my dear John ! " cried Mrs. Brough, seizing her husband's hand and kissing it, " you are an angel, that you are ! " "Isabella, don't natter me; I'm a man, — a plain downright citizen of London, without a particle of pride, except in you and my daughter here — my two Bells, as I call them ! This is the way that we live, Titmarsh, my boy : ours is a happy, humble, Christian home, and that's all. Isabella, leave go my hand ! " " Mamma, you mustn't do so before company ; it's odious ! " shrieked Miss B. ; and mamma quietly let the hand fall, and heaved from her ample bosom a great large sigh. I felt a liking for that simple woman, and a respect for Brough too. He couldrit be a bad man, whose wife loved him so. Dinner was soon announced, and I had the honour of leading in Miss B., who looked back rather angrily, I thought, at Captain Fizgig, because that gentleman had offered his arm to Mrs. Brough. He sat on the right of Mrs. Brough, and Miss flounced down on the seat next to him, leaving me and Mr. Tidd to take our places at the opposite side of the table. At dinner there was turbot and soup first, and boiled turkey afterwards, of course. How is it that at all the great dinners they have this perpetual boiled turkey 1 It was real turtle-soup : the first time I had ever tasted it ; and I remarked how Mrs. B., who insisted on helping it, gave all the green lumps of fat to her husband, and put several slices of the breast of the bird under the body, until it came to his turn to be helped. " I'm a plain man," says John, " and eat a plain dinner. I hate your kickshaws, though I keep a French cook for those who are not of my way of thinking. I'm no egotist, look you; I've no prejudices ; and Miss there has her be'chamels and fallals according to her taste. Captain, try the volly-vong" We had plenty of champagne and old madeira with dinner, and great silver tankards of porter, which those might take who chose. Brough made especially a boast of drinking beer; and, when the ladies retired, said, " Gentlemen, Tiggins will give you an unlimited AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 51 supply of wine : there's no stinting here ; " and then laid himself down in his easy-chair and fell asleep. " He always does so," whispered Mr. Tidd to me. "Get some of that yellow-sealed wine, Tiggins," says the Captain. "That other claret we had yesterday is loaded, and disagrees with me infernally ! " I must say I liked the yellow seal much better than Aunt Hoggarty's Rosolio. I soon found out what Mr. Tidd was, and what he was longing for. " Isn't she a glorious creature ? " says he to me. "Who, sir?" says I. " Miss Belinda, to be sure ! " cried Tidd. " Did mortal ever look upon eyes like hers, or view a more sylph-like figure 1 " " She might have a little more flesh, Mr. Tidd," says the Captain, " and a little less eyebrow. They look vicious, those scowling eye- brows, in a girl. Qu'en dites-vous, Mr. Titmarsh, as Miss Brough would say ? " " I think it remarkably good claret, sir," says I. " Egad, you're the right sort of fellow ! " says the Captain. " Volto sciolto, eh ? You respect our sleeping host yonder 1 " " That I do, sir, as the first man in the City of London, and my managing director." " And so do I," says Tidd ; " and this day fortnight, when I'm of age, I'll prove my confidence too." "As how?" says I. " Why, sir, you must know that I come into — ahem — a consider- able property, sir, on the 14th of July, which my father made — in business." " Say at once he was a tailor, Tidd." " He was a tailor, sir, — but what of that 1 I've had a University education, and have the feelings of a gentleman; as much — ay, perhaps, and more than some members of an effete aristocracy." " Tidd, don't be severe ! " says the Captain, drinking a tenth "Well, Mr. Titmarsh, when of age I come into a considerable property ; and Mr. Brough has been so good as to say he can get me twelve hundred a year for my twenty thousand pounds, and I have promised to invest them." "In the West Diddlesex, sir?" says I— "in our office ?" " No, in another company, of which Mr. Brough is director, and quite as good a thing. Mr. Brough is a very old friend of my family, sir, and he has taken a great liking to me ; and he says that with my talents I ought to get into Parliament ; and then — and then ! 52 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH after I have laid out my patrimony, I may look to matrimony, you see ! " " Oh you designing dog ! " said the Captain. " When I used to lick you at school, who ever would have thought that I was thrashing a sucking statesman 1 " " Talk away, boys ! " said Brough, waking out of his sleep ; " I only sleep with half an eye, and hear you all. Yes, you shall get into Parliament, Tidd, my man, or my name's not Brough ! You shall have six per cent, for your money, or never believe me ! But as for my daughter— ask her, and not me. You, or the Captain, or Titmarsh, may have her, if you can get her. All I ask in a son-in- law is, that he should be, as every one of you is, an honourable and high-minded man ! " Tidd at this looked very knowing ; and as our host sank off to sleep again, pointed archly at his eyebrows, and wagged his head at the Captain. " Bah ! " says the Captain. " I say what I think ; and you may tell Miss Brough if you like." And so presently this conversa- tion ended, and we were summoned in to coffee. After which the Captain sang songs with Miss Brough ; Tidd looked at her and said nothing ; I looked at prints, and Mrs. Brough sat knitting stockings for the poor. The Captain was sneering openly at Miss Brough and her affected ways and talk ; but in spite of his bullying contemptuous way, I thought she seemed to have a great regard for him, and to bear his scorn very meekly. At twelve Captain Fizgig went off to his barracks at Knights- bridge, and Tidd and I to our rooms. Next day being Sunday, a great bell woke us at eight, and at nine we all assembled in the breakfast-room, where Mr. Brough read prayers, a chapter, and made an exhortation afterwards, to us and all the members of the house- hold ; except the French cook, Monsieur Nontongpaw, whom I could see, from my chair, walking about in the shrubberies in his white nightcap, smoking a cigar. Every morning on week-days, punctually at eight, Mr. Brough went through the same ceremony, and had his family to prayers ; but though this man was a hypocrite, as I found afterwards, I'm not going to laugh at the family prayers, or say he was a hypocrite because he had them. There are many bad and good men who don't go through the ceremony at all ; but I am sure the good men would be the better for it, and am not called upon to settle the question with respect to the bad ones ; and therefore I have passed over a great deal of the religious part of Mr. Brough's behaviour : suffice it, that religion was always on his lips ; that he went to church thrice every Sunday, when he had not a party ; and if he did not talk AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 53 religion with us when we were alone, had a great deal to say upon the subject upon occasions, as I found one day when we had a Quaker and Dissenter party to dine, and when his talk was as grave as that of any minister present. Tidd was not there that day, — for nothing could make him forsake his Byron riband or refrain from wearing his collars turned down ; so Tidd was sent with the buggy to Astley's. " And hark ye, Titmarsh, my boy," said he, " leave your diamond-pin upstairs : our friends to-day don't like such gewgaws ; and though for my part I am no enemy to harmless ornaments, yet I would not shock the feelings of those who have sterner opinions. You will see that my wife and Miss Brough consult my wishes in this respect." And so they did, — for they both came down to dinner in black gowns and tippets ; whereas Miss B. had commonly her dress half off her shoulders. The Captain rode over several times to see us; and Miss Brough seemed always delighted to see him. One day I met him as I was walking out alone by the river, and we had a long talk together. "Mr. Titmarsh," says he, "from what little I have seen of you, you seem to be an honest straight-minded young fellow ; and I want some information that you can give. Tell me, in the first place, if you will — and upon my honour it shall go no farther — about this Insurance Company of yours1? You are in the City, and see how affairs are going on. Is your concern a stable one 1 " " Sir," said I, " frankly then, and upon my honour too, I believe it is. It has been set up only four years, it is true ; but Mr. Brough had a great name when it was established, and a vast connection. Every clerk in the office has, to be sure, in a manner, paid for his place, either by taking shares himself, or by his rela- tions taking them. I got mine because my mother, who is very poor, devoted a small sum of money that came to us to the purchase of an annuity for herself and a provision for me. The matter was debated by the family and our attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, who are very well known in our part of the country ; and it was agreed on all hands that my mother could not do better with her money for all of us than invest it in this way. Brough alone is worth half a million of money, and his name is a host in itself. Nay, more : I wrote the other day to an aunt of mine, who has a considerable sum of money in loose cash, and who had consulted me as to the disposal of it, to invest it in our office. Can I give you any better proof of my opinion of its solvency 1 " " Did Brough persuade you in any way 1 " "Yes, he certainly spoke to me: but he very honestly told me his motives, and tells them to us all as honestly. He says, 54 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH 'Gentlemen, it is my object to increase the connection of the office, as much as possible. I want to crush all the other offices in London. Our terms are lower than any office, and we can bear to have them lower, and a great business will come to us that way. But we must work ourselves as well. Every single share- holder and officer of the establishment must exert himself, and bring us customers, — no matter for how little they are engaged — engage them : that is the great point.' And accordingly our Director makes all his friends and servants shareholders : his very lodge-porter yonder is a shareholder ; and he thus endeavours to fasten upon all whom he comes near. I, for instance, have just been appointed over the heads of our gents, to a much better place than I held. I am asked down here, and entertained royally : and why ? Because my aunt has three thousand pounds which Mr. Brough wants her to invest with us." " That looks awkward, Mr. Titmarsh." " Not a whit, sir : he makes no disguise of the matter. When the question is settled one way or the other, I don't believe Mr. Brough will take any further notice of me. But he wants me now. This place happened to fall in just at the very moment when he had need of me ; and he hopes to gain over my family through me. He told me as much as we drove down. ' You are a man of the world, Titmarsh,' said he ; ' you know that I don't give you this place because you are an honest fellow, and write a good hand. If I had a lesser bribe to offer you at the moment, I should only have given you that ; but I had no choice, and gave you what was in my power.' " "That's fair enough; but what can make Brough so eager for such a small sum as three thousand pounds 1 " "If it had been ten, sir, he would have been not a bit more eager. You don't know the City of London, and the passion which our great men in the share-market have for increasing their connec- tion. Mr. Brough, sir, would canvass and wheedle a chimney-sweep in the way of business. See, here is poor Tidd and his twenty thousand pounds. Our Director has taken possession of him just in the same way. He wants all the capital he can lay his hands on." " Yes, and suppose he runs off with the capital ? " " Mr. Brough, of the firm of Brough and Hoff, sir 1 Suppose the Bank of England runs off ! But here we are at the lodge-gate. Let's ask Gates, another of Mr. Brough's victims." And we went in and spoke to old Gates. "Well, Mr. Gates," says I, beginning the matter cleverly, "you are one of my masters, you know, at the West Diddlesex yonder ] " AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 55 "Yees, sure," says old Gates, grinning. He was a retired servant, with a large family come to him in his old age. " May I ask you what your wages are, Mr. Gates, that you can lay by so much money, and purchase shares in our Company 1 " Gates told us his wages ; and when we inquired whether they were paid regularly, swore that his master was the kindest gentle- man in the world : that he had put two of his daughters into service, two of his sons to charity schools, made one apprentice, and narrated a hundred other benefits that he had received from the family. Mrs. Brough clothed half the children ; master gave them blankets and coats in winter, and soup and meat all the year round. There never was such a generous family, sure, since the world began. "Well, sir," said I to the Captain, "does that satisfy you] Mr. Brough gives to these people fifty times as much as he gains from them ; and yet he makes Mr. Gates take shares in our Company." "Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "you are an honest fellow; and I confess your argument sounds well. Now tell me, do you know anything about Miss Brough and her fortune 1 " " Brough will leave her everything — or says so." But I suppose the Captain saw some particular expression in my countenance, for he laughed and said — " I suppose, my dear fellow, you think she's dear at the price. Well, I don't know that you are far wrong." " Why, then, if I may make so bold, Captain Fizgig, are you always at her heels ? " "Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "I owe twenty thousand pounds;" and he went back to the house directly, and proposed for her. I thought this rather cruel and unprincipled conduct on the gentleman's part ; for he had been introduced to the family by Mr. Tidd, with whom he had been at school, and had supplanted Tidd entirely in the great heiress's affections. Brough stormed, and actually swore at his daughter (as the Captain told me afterwards) when he heard that the latter had accepted Mr. Fizgig; and at last, seeing the Captain, made him give his word that the engage- ment should be kept secret for a few months. And Captain F. only made a confidant of me, and the mess, as he said : but this was after Tidd had paid his twenty thousand pounds over to our governor, which he did punctually when he came of age. The same day, too, he proposed for the young lady, and I need not say was rejected. Presently the Captain's engagement began to be whispered about : all his great relations, the Duke of Doncaster, the Earl of Cinqbars, the Earl of Crabs, &c., came and visited the Brough 56 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH family ; the Hon. Henry Ringwood became a shareholder in our Company, and the Earl of Crabs offered to be. Our shares rose to a premium ; our Director, his lady, and daughter were presented at Court ; and the great West Diddlesex Association bid fair to be the first Assurance Office in the kingdom. A very short time after my visit to Fulham, my dear aunt wrote to me to say that she had consulted with her attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, who strongly recommended that she should invest the sum as I advised. She had the sum invested, too, in my name, paying me many compliments upon my honesty and talent ; of which, she said, Mr. Brough had given her the most flattering account. And at the same time my aunt informed me that at her death the shares should be my own. This gave me a great weight in the Company, as you may imagine. At our next annual meeting, I attended in my capacity as a shareholder, and had great pleasure in hearing Mr. Brough, in a magnificent speech, declare a dividend of six per cent., that we all received over the counter. " You lucky young scoundrel ! " said Brough to me ; " do you know what made me give you your place 1 " " Why, my aunt's money, to be sure, sir," said I. " No such thing. Do you fancy I cared for those paltry three thousand pounds 1 I was told you were nephew of Lady Drum ; and Lady Drum is grandmother of Lady Jane Preston ; and Mr. Preston is a man who can do us a world of good. I knew that they had sent you venison, and the deuce knows what ; and when I saw Lady Jane at my party shake you by the hand, and speak to you so kindly, I took all Abednego's tales for gospel. That was the reason you got the place, mark you, and not on account of your miserable three thousand pounds. Well, sir, a fortnight after you were with us at Fulham, I met Preston in the House, and made a merit of having given the place to his cousin. ' Confound the insolent scoundrel ! ' said he ; 'he my cousin ! I suppose you take all old Drum's stories for true 1 Why, man, it's her mania : she never is introduced to a man but she finds out a cousinship, and would not fail of course with that cur of a Titmarsh ! ' ' Well,' said I, laughing, ' that cur has got a good place in consequence, and the matter can't be mended.' So you see," continued our Director, " that you were indebted for your place, not to your aunt's money, but— " But to MY AUNT'S DIAMOND-PIN ! " " Lucky rascal ! " said Brough, poking me in the side and going out of the way. And lucky, in faith, I thought I was. CHAPTER VIII RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH'S LIFE I DON'T know how it was that in the course of the next six months Mr. Roundhand, the actuary, who had been such a profound admirer of Mr. Brough and the West Diddlesex Association, suddenly quarrelled with both, and taking his money out of the concern, he disposed of his .£5000 worth of shares to a pretty good profit, and went away, speaking everything that was evil both of the Company and the Director. Mr. Highmore now became secretary and actuary, Mr. Abednego was first clerk, and your humble servant was second in the office at a salary of .£250 a year. How unfounded were Mr. Roundhand's aspersions of the West Diddlesex appeared quite clearly at our meeting in January 1823, when our Chief Director, in one of the most brilliant speeches ever heard, declared that the half-yearly dividend was £4 per cent., at the rate of .£8 per cent, per annum ; and I sent to my aunt .£120 sterling as the amount of the interest of the stock in my name. My excellent aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, delighted beyond measure, sent me back £10 for my own pocket, and asked me if she had not better sell Slopperton and Squashtail, and invest all her money in this admirable concern. On this point I could not surely do better than ask the opinion of Mr. Brough. Mr. B. told me that shares could not be had but at a premium ; but on my representing that I knew of £5000 worth in the market at par, he said — " Well, if so, he would like a fair price for his, and would not mind disposing of £5000 worth, as he had rather a glut of West Diddlesex shares, and his other concerns wanted feeding with ready money." At the end of our conversation, of which I promised to report the purport to Mrs. Hoggarty, the Director was so kind as to say that he had determined on creating a place of private secretary to the Managing Director, and that I should hold that office with an additional salary of £150. I had £250 a year, Miss Smith had £70 per annum to her fortune. What had I said should be my line of conduct whenever I could realise £300 a year ? 58 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH Gus of course, and all the gents in our office through him, knew of my engagement with Mary Smith. Her father had been a com- mander in the navy and a very distinguished officer ; and though Mary, as I have said, only brought me a fortune of £70 a year, and I, as everybody said, in my present position in the office and the City of London, might have reasonably looked out for a lady with much more money, yet my friends agreed that the connection was very respectable, and I was content : as who would not have been with such a darling as Mary? I am sure, for my part, I would not have taken the Lord Mayor's own daughter in place of Mary, even with a plum to her fortune. Mr. Brough of course was made aware of my approaching marriage, as of everything else relating to every clerk in the office ; and I do believe Abednego told him what we had for dinner every day. Indeed, his knowledge of our affairs was wonderful. He asked me how Mary's money was invested. It was in the three per cent, consols — £2333, 6s. 8d. " Remember," says he, " my lad, Mrs. Sam Titmarsh that is to be may have seven per cent, for her money at the very least, and on better security than the Bank of England ; for is not a Company of which John Brough is the head better than any other company in England ? " and to be sure I thought he was not far wrong, and promised to speak to Mary's guardians on the subject before our marriage. Lieutenant Smith, her grandfather, had been at the first very much averse to our union. (I must confess that, one day finding me alone with her, and kissing, I believe, the tips of her little fingers, he had taken me by the collar and turned me out of doors.) But Sam Titmarsh, with a salary of £250 a year, a promised fortune of £150 more, and the right-hand man of Mr. John Brough of London, was a very different man from Sam the poor clerk, and the poor clergyman's widow's son ; and the old gentleman wrote me a kind letter enough, and begged me to get him six pairs of lamb's- wool stockings and four ditto waistcoats from Romania', and accepted them too as a present from me when I went down in June — in happy June of 1823 — to fetch my dear Mary away. Mr. Brough was likewise kindly anxious about my aunt's Slopperton and Squashtail property, which she had not as yet sold, as she talked of doing; and, as Mr. B. represented, it was a sin and a shame that any person in whom he took such interest, as he did in all the relatives of his dear young friend, should only have three per cent, for her money, when she could have eight elsewhere. He always called me Sam now, praised me to the other young men (who brought the praises regularly to me), said there was a cover always laid for me at Fulham, and repeatedly took me AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 59 thither. There was but little company when I went; and M'Whirter used to say he only asked me on days when he had his vulgar acquaintances. But I did not care for the great people, not being born in their sphere ; and indeed did not much care for going to the house at all. Miss Belinda was not at all to my liking. After her engagement with Captain Fizgig, and after Mr. Tidd had paid his .£20,000, and Fizgig's great relations had joined in some of our Director's companies, Mr. Brough declared he believed that Captain Fizgig's views were mercenary, and put him to the proof at once, by saying that he must take Miss Brough without a farthing, or not have her at all. Whereupon Captain Fizgig got an appointment in the colonies, and Miss Brough became more ill-humoured than ever. But I could not help thinking she was rid of a bad bargain, and pitying poor Tidd, who came back to the charge again more love-sick than ever, and was rebuffed pitilessly by Miss Belinda. Her father plainly told Tidd, too, that his visits were disagreeable to Belinda, and though he must always love and value him, he begged him to discontinue his calls at the Rookery. Poor fellow ! he had paid his .£20,000 away for nothing! for what was six per cent, to him compared to six per cent, and the hand of Miss Belinda Brough 1 Well, Mr. Brough pitied the poor love-sick swain, as he called me, so much, and felt such a warm sympathy in my well-being, that he insisted on my going down to Somersetshire with a couple of months' leave ; and away I went, as happy as a lark, with a couple of brand-new suits from Von Stiltz's in my trunk (I had them made, looking forward to a certain event), and inside the trunk Lieutenant Smith's fleecy hosiery ; wrapping up a parcel of our prospectuses and two letters from John Brough, Esq., to my mother our worthy annuitant, and to Mrs. Hoggarty our excellent shareholder. Mr. Brough said I was all that the fondest father could wish, that he considered me as his own boy, and that he earnestly begged Mrs. Hoggarty not to delay the sale of her little landed property, as land was high now and must fall ; whereas the West Diddlesex Associa- tion shares were (comparatively) low, and must inevitably, in the course of a year or two, double, treble, quadruple their present value. In this way I was prepared, and in this way I took leave of my dear Gus. As we parted in the yard of the " Bolt-in-Tun," Fleet Street, I felt that I never should go back to Salisbury Square again, and had made my little present to the landlady's family accordingly. She said I was the respectablest gentleman she had ever had in her house : nor was that saying much, for Bell Lane is in the Rules of the Fleet, and her lodgers used commonly to be prisoners on Rule from that place. As for Gus, the poor fellow cried and blubbered 60 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH so that lie could not eat a morsel of the muffins and grilled ham with which I treated him for breakfast in the " Bolt-in-Tun " coffee-house; and when I went away was waving his hat and his handkerchief so in the archway of the coach-office that I do believe the wheels of the " True Blue " went over his toes, for I heard him roaring as we passed through the arch. Ah ! how different were my feelings as I sat proudly there on the box by the side of Jim Ward, the coach- man, to those I had the last time I mounted that coach, parting from my dear Mary and coming to London with my DIAMOND-PIN ! When arrived near home (at Grumpley, three miles from our village, where the " True Blue " generally stops to take a glass of ale at the Poppleton Arms) it was as if our Member, Mr. Poppleton himself, was come into the country, so great was the concourse of people assembled round the inn. And there was the landlord of the inn and all the people of the village. Then there was Tom Wheeler, the post-boy, from Mrs, Rincer's posting-hotel in our town ; he was riding on the old bay posters, and they, Heaven bless us ! were drawing my aunt's yellow chariot, in which she never went out but thrice in a year, and in which she now sat in her splendid cashmere shawl and a new hat and feather. She waved a white handkerchief out of the window, and Tom Wheeler shouted out " Huzza ! " as did a number of the little blackguard boys of Grumpley : who, to be sure, would huzza for anything. What a change on Tom Wheeler's part, however ! I remembered only a few years before how he had whipped me from the box of the chaise, as I was hanging on for a ride behind. Next to my aunt's carriage came the four-wheeled chaise of Lieutenant Smith, R.N., who was driving his old fat pony with his lady by his side. I looked in the back seat of the chaise, and felt a little sad at seeing that Somebody was not there. But, 0 silly fellow ! there was Somebody in the yellow chariot with my aunt, blushing like a peony, I declare, and looking so happy ! — oh, so happy and pretty ! She had a white dress, and a light blue and yellow scarf, which my aunt said were the Hoggarty colours ; though what the Hoggartys had to do with light blue and yellow, I don't know to this day. Well, the " True Blue " guard made a great bellowing on his horn as his four horses dashed away ; the boys shouted again • I was placed bodkin between Mrs. Hoggarty and Mary ; Tom Wheeler cut into his bays ; the Lieutenant (who had shaken me cordially by the hand, and whose big dog did not make the slightest attempt at biting me this time) beat his pony till its fat sides lathered again ; and thus in this, I may say, unexampled procession, I arrived in, triumph at our village. AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 61 My dear mother and the girls, — Heaven bless them ! — nine of them in their nankeen spencers (I had something pretty in my trunk for each of them) — could not afford a carriage, but had posted them- selves on the road near the village ; and there was such a waving of hands and handkerchiefs : and though my aunt did not much notice them, except by a majestic toss of the head, which is pardonable in a woman of her property, yet Mary Smith did even more than I, and waved her hands as much as the whole nine. Ah ! how my dear mother cried and blessed me when we met, and called me her soul's comfort and her darling boy, and looked at me as if I were a paragon of virtue and genius : whereas I was only a very lucky young fellow, that by the aid of kind friends had stepped rapidly into a very pretty property. I was not to stay with my mother, — that had been arranged beforehand ; for though she and Mrs. Hoggarty were not remarkably good friends, yet mother said it was for my benefit that I should stay with my aunt, and so gave up the pleasure of having me with her : and though hers was much the humbler house of the two, I need not say I preferred it far to Mrs. Hoggarty's more splendid one ; let alone the horrible Rosolio, of which I was obliged now to drink gallons. It was to Mrs. H.'s then we were driven : she had prepared a great dinner that evening, and hired an extra waiter, and on getting out of the carriage, she gave a sixpence to Tom Wheeler, saying that was for himself, and that she would settle with Mrs. Rincer for the horses afterwards. At which Tom flung the sixpence upon the ground, swore most violently, and was very justly called by my aunt an " impertinent fellow." She had taken such a liking to me that she would hardly bear me out of her sight. We used to sit for morning after morning over her accounts, debating for hours together the propriety of selling the Slopperton property ; but no arrangement was come to yet about it, for Hodge and Smithers could not get the price she wanted. And, moreover, she vowed that at her decease she would leave every shilling to me. Hodge and Smithers, too, gave a grand party, and treated me with marked consideration ; as did every single person of the village. Those who could not afford to give dinners gave teas, and all drank the health of the young couple ; and many a time after dinner or supper was my Mary made to blush by the allusions to the change in her condition. The happy day for that ceremony was now fixed, and the 24th July 1823 saw me the happiest husband of the prettiest girl in Somersetshire. We were married from my mother's house, who 62 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH would insist upon that at any rate, and the nine girls acted as bridesmaids ; ay ! and Gus Hoskins came from town express to be my groomsman, and had my old room at my mother's, and stayed with her for a week, and cast a sheep's-eye upon Miss Winny Tit- marsh too, my dear fourth sister, as I afterwards learned. My aunt was very kind upon the marriage ceremony, indeed. She had desired me some weeks previous to order three magnificent dresses for Mary from the celebrated Madame Mantalini of London, and some elegant trinkets and embroidered pocket-handkerchiefs from Howell and James's. These were sent down to me, and were to be my present to the bride ; but Mrs. Hoggarty gave me to understand that I need never trouble myself about the payment of the bill, and I thought her conduct very generous. Also she lent us her chariot for the wedding journey, and made with her own hands a beautiful crimson satin reticule for Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, her dear niece. It contained a huswife completely furnished with needles, &c., for she hoped Mrs. Titmarsh would never neglect her needle; and a purse containing some silver pennies, and a very curious pocket-piece. " As long as you keep these, my dear," said Mrs. Hoggarty, "you will never want; and fervently — fervently do I pray that you will keep them." In the carriage-pocket we found a paper of biscuits and a bottle of Rosolio. We laughed at this, and made it over to Tom Wheeler — who, however, did not seem to like it much better than we. I need not say I was married in Mr. Von Stiltz's coat (the third and fourth coats, Heaven help us ! in a year), and that I wore sparkling in my bosom the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND. CHAPTER IX BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS WIFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, TO LONDON WE pleased ourselves during the honeymoon with forming plans for our life in London, and a pretty paradise did we build for ourselves ! Well, we were but forty years old between us ; and, for my part, I never found any harm come of castle-building, but a great deal of pleasure. Before I left London I had, to say the truth, looked round me for a proper place, befitting persons of our small income ; and Gus Hoskins and I, who hunted after office-hours in couples, had fixed on a very snug little cottage in Camden Town, where there was a garden that certain small people might play in when they came : a horse and gig-house, if ever we kept one, — and why not, in a few years? — and a fine healthy air, at a reasonable distance from 'Change ; all for <£30 a year. I had described this little spot to Mary as enthusiastically as Sancho describes Lizias to Don Quixote ; and my dear wife was delighted with the prospect of housekeeping there, vowed she would cook all the best dishes herself (especially jam-pudding, of which I confess I am very fond), and promised Gus that he should dine with us at Clematis Bower every Sunday : only he must not smoke those horrid cigars. As for Gus, he vowed he would have a room in the neighbourhood too, for he could not bear to go back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy together ; and so good-natured Mary said she would ask my sister Winny to come and keep her company. At which Hoskins blushed, and said, " Pooh ! nonsense now." But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the ground on our return from our little honeymoon excursion ; when Mrs. Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was determined to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep house for them, and introduce them to her friends in the metropolis. What could we do 1 We wished her at — Bath : certainly not in London. But there was no help for it ; and we were obliged to bring her : for, as my mother said, if we offended her, her fortune 64 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH would go out of our family ; and were we two young people not likely to want it 1 So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the whole way ; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of my aunt's rank in life could not travel by the stage. And I had to pay <£14 for the posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my little hoard of cash. First we went into lodgings, — into three sets in three weeks. We quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that she cut a slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner ; from the second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would steal the candles ; from the third we went because Aunt Hoggarty came down to breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face shockingly swelled and bitten by — never mind what. To cut a long tale short, I was half mad with the continual choppings and changings, and the long stories and scoldings of my aunt. As for her great acquaintances, none of them were in London ; and she made it a matter of quarrel with me that I had not intro- duced her to John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and to Lord and Lady Tiptoff, her relatives. Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his return I did not care at first to tell our Director that I had brought my aunt with me, or mention my embarrassments for money. He looked rather serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him and asked for an advance ; but when he heard that my lack of money had been occasioned by the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone instantly changed. " That, my dear boy, alters the question ; Mrs. Hoggarty is of an age when all things must be yielded to her. Here are a hundred pounds ; and I beg you to draw upon me whenever you are in the least in want of money." This gave me breathing-time until she should pay her share of the household expenses. And the very next day Mr. and Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid carriage-and-four, called upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings in Lamb's Conduit Street. It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in that sad condition; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. Brough of the cause, and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country place in Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought of such vile odious things. "Gracious heavens !" shouted John Brough, Esquire, "a lady of your rank to suffer in this way ! — the excellent relative of my dear boy, Titmarsh ! Never, madam— never let it be said that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty should be subject to such horrible humiliation, while John Brough has a home to offer her, AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 65 —a humble, happy, Christian home, madam; though unlike, perhaps, the splendour to which you have been accustomed in the course of your distinguished career. Isabella my love ! — Belinda ! speak to Mrs. Hoggarty. Tell her that John Brough's house is hers from garret to cellar. I repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. I desire — I insist — I order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty's trunks should be placed this instant in my carriage ! Have the goodness to look to them yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt's comforts are better provided for than they have been." Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be sure, Mr. Brough was a great man, and her Samuel's benefactor; and though the silly child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at aunt's enormous valises, yet she performed the work, and came down with a smiling face to my aunt, who was entertaining Mr. and Mrs. Brough with a long and particular account of the balls at the Castle, in Dublin, in Lord Charleville's time. " I have packed the trunks, aunt, but I am not strong enough to bring them down," said Mary. "Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a little ashamed. " Hallo ! George, Frederic, Augustus, come up- stairs this instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, which this young lady will show you." Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some of his fashionable servants refused to meddle with the trunks, he himself seized a pair of them with both hands, carried them to the carriage, and shouted loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to hear, " John Brough is not proud — no, no ; and if his footmen are too high and mighty, he'll show them a lesson of humility." Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks from her husband ; but they were too heavy for her, so she contented herself with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her, whether John Brough was not an angel of a man 1 In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of her departure, for I was at the office at the time ; and strolling back at five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the window, and beckoning to us both to come up. This I thought was very strange, because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and indeed had told me repeatedly that either she or he must quit the house. Well, we went upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried her tears and received us with the most smiling of faces, and laughed and clapped her hands, and danced, and shook Gus's hand. And what do you think the little rogue proposed 1 I am blest if she did not say she would like to go to Vauxhall ! As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat 3 E 66 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH with fear and trembling ; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the circumstances which had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been whisked away to Fulham in Mr. Brough's splendid carriage- and-four. " Let her go," I am sorry to say, said I ; and indeed we relished our veal-cutlets and jam-pudding a great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty did her dinner off plate at the Rookery. We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing treat; and you may be certain that my aunt, whose absence was prolonged for three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for we were much merrier and more comfortable with- out her. My little Mary used to make my breakfast before I went to office of mornings ; and on Sundays we had a holiday, and saw the dear little children eat their boiled beef and potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the beautiful music : but, beautiful as it is, f think the children were a more beautiful sight still, and the look of their innocent happy faces was better than the best sermon. On week-days Mrs. Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in the evening on the Je/fc-hand side of Lamb's Conduit Street (as you go to Holborn) — ay, and sometimes pursue her walk as far as Snow Hill, when two young gents from the I. W. D. Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her ; and then how happily we all trudged off to dinner ! Once we came up as a monster of a man, with high heels and a gold-headed cane, and whiskers all over his face, was grinning under Mary's bonnet, and chattering to her, close to Day and Martin's Blacking Manufactory (not near such a handsome thing then as it is now) — there was the man chattering and ogling his best, when who should come up but Gus and 1 1 And in the twinkling of a pegpost, as Lord Duberley says, my gentleman was seized by the collar of his coat and found himself sprawling under a stand of hackney-coaches ; where all the watermen were grinning at him. The best of it was, he left his head of hair and whiskers in my hand : but Mary said, " Don't be hard upon him, Samuel ; it's only a Frenchman." And so we gave him his wig back, which one of the grinning stable-boys put on and carried to him as he lay in the straw. He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Francais," and " champ-d'honneur ; " but we walked on, Gus putting his thumb to his nose and stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman. This made everybody laugh ; and so the adventure ended. About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from her, of which I give a copy : — • " MY DEAK NEPHEW, — It was my earnest whish e'er this to have returned to London, where I am sure you and my niece Tit- AND THE GKEAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 67 marsh miss me very much, and where she, poor thing, quite inexperienced in the ways of 'the great metropulus,' in aconamy, and indeed in every qualaty requasit in a good wife and the mistress of a famaly, can hardly manidge, I am sure, without me. " Tell her on no account to pay more than 6Jd. for the prime pieces, 4|d. for soup meat ; and that the very best of London butter is to be had for 8|d. ; of course, for pudns and the kitchin you'll employ a commoner sort. My trunks were sadly packed by Mrs. Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock has gone through my yellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it already twice, at two ellygant (though quiat) evening-parties given by my hospatable host ; and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a grand dinner, when Lord Scaramouch handed me to table. Everything was in the most sumptions style. Soup top and bottom (white and brown), removed by turbit and sammon with immense boles of lobster-sauce. Lobsters alone cost 15s. Turbit, three guineas. The hole sammon weigh- ing, I'm sure, 15 Ibs., and never seen at table again ; not a bitt of pickled sammon the hole weak afterwards. This kind of extravi- gance would just suit Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, burns the candle at both ends. Well, young people, it is lucky for you you have an old aunt who knows better, and has a long purse ; without witch, I dare say, some folks would be glad to see her out of doors. I don't mean you, Samuel, who have, I must say, been a dutiful nephew to me. Well, I dare say I shan't live long, and some folks won't be sorry to have me in my grave. " Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and thought it might have been the lobster-sauce ; but Doctor Blogg, who was called in, said it was, he very much feared, cumsumptive ; but gave me some pills and a draft wh made me better. Please call upon him — he lives at Pimlico, and you can walk out there after office hours — and present him with £1 Is., with my compliments. I have no money here but a .£10 note, the rest being locked up in my box at Lamb's Cundit Street. "Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious establishment, I can assure you the sperrit is likewise cared for. Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning ; and o but his exorcises refresh the hungry sole before breakfast ! Everything is in the handsomest style, — silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, and dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word Industria, meaning industry, on everything — even on the chany juggs and things in my beddroom. On Sunday we were favoured by a special outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist Congrigation here, and who egshorted for 3 hours in the afternoon in Mr. B.'s private chapel. As the widow of a 68 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH Hoggarty, I have always been a staunch supporter of the established Church of England and Ireland ; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's stirring way was far superior to that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the Establishment, who lifted up his voice after dinner for a short discourse of two hours. " Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has no sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once I promised to box her years ; and would have left the house, had not Mr. B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apollogy. " I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really so welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the best in the world for my simtums ; and as the ladies of the house do not choose to walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been kind enough to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such a guide to wander both to Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful works of nature. I have spoke to him about the Slopperton property, and he is not of Mr. B.'s opinion that I should sell it ; but on this point I shall follow my own counsel. "Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and lett my bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire in the grate : and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn it against I come ; and there is my purple spencer she can have for herself; and I hope she does not wear those three splendid gowns you gave her, but keep them until better times. I shall soon introduse her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my acquaint- ances ; and am always, Your loving AUNT. " I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from Somer- setshire. When it comes, please to send half down here (paying the carriage, of course). 'Twill be an acceptable present to my kind entertainer, Mr. B." This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office, who apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvert- ence ; for the letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he opened it without looking at the superscription. Of course he had not read it, and I was glad of that ; for I should not have liked him to see my aunt's opinion of his daughter and lady. The next day, a gentleman at " Tom's Coffee-house," Cornhill, sent me word at the office that he wanted particularly to speak to me : and I stepped thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of the house of Hodge and Smithers, just off the coach, with his carpet-bag between his legs. " Sam, my boy," said he, " you are your aunt's heir, and I have AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 69 a piece of news for you regarding her property which you ought to know. She wrote us down a letter for a chest of that home-made wine of hers which she calls Rosolio, and which lies in our ware- house along with her furniture." " Well," says I, smiling, " she may part with as much Rosolio as she likes for me. I cede all my right." " Psha ! " says Smithers, " it's not that ; though her furniture puts us to a deuced inconvenience, to be sure — it's not that : but, in the postscript of her letter, she orders us to advertise the Slopperton and Squash tail estates for immediate sale, as she purposes placing her capital elsewhere." I knew that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the source of a very pretty income to Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, for aunt was always at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her litigious spirit; so that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the sale of it did not seem to me to be quite disinterested. "And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint me with this fact 1 It seems to me you had much better have obeyed my aunt's instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult with her on this subject." " 'Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh ! don't you see that if she makes a sale of her property, she will hand over the money to Brough ; and if Brough gets the money, he " " Will give her seven per cent, for it instead of three, — there's no harm in that." " But there's such a thing as security, look you. He is a warm man, certainly— very warm — quite respectable — most undoubtedly respectable. But who knows 1 A panic may take place ; and then these five hundred companies in which he is engaged may bring him to ruin. There's the Ginger Beer Company, of which Brough is a director : awkward reports are abroad concerning it. The Consoli- dated Baffin's Bay Muff and Tippet Company — the shares are down very low, and Brough is a director there. The Patent Pump Com- pany— shares at 65, and a fresh call, which nobody will pay." " Nonsense, Mr. Smithers ! Has not Mr. Brough five hundred thousand pounds' worth of shares in the INDEPENDENT WEST DIDDLESEX, and is THAT at a discount1? Who recommended my aunt to invest her money in that speculation, I should like to know T' I had him there. " Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and has brought you three hundred a year, Sam, my boy; and you may thank us for the interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and Miss Hodge has not recovered a certain marriage yet). You don't intend to rebuke us for making your fortune, do you ? " 70 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH " No, hang it, no ! " says I, and shook hands with him, and accepted a glass of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith. Smithers returned, however, to the charge. "Sam," he said, " mark my words, and take your aunt away from the Rookery. She wrote to Mrs. S. a long account of a reverend gent with whom she walks out there, — the Reverend Grimes Wapshot. That man has an eye upon her. He was tried at Lancaster in the year '14 for forgery, and narrowly escaped with his neck. Have a care of him — he has an eye to her money." "Nay," said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty's letter: "read for yourself." He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it ; and as he returned it to me, " Well, Sam," he said, " I have only two favours to ask of you : one is, not to mention that I am in town to any living soul ; and the other is, to give me a dinner in Lamb's Conduit Street with your pretty wife." " I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing. " But if you dine with us, your arrival in town must be known, for my friend Gus Hoskins dines with us likewise ; and has done so nearly every day since my aunt went." He laughed too, and said, " We must swear Gus to secrecy over a bottle." And so we parted till dinner-time. The indefatigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and was supported by Gus and by my wife too; who certainly was disinterested in the matter — more than disinterested, for she would have given a great deal to be spared my aunt's company. But she said she saw the force of Mr. Smithers's arguments, and I admitted their justice with a sigh. However, 'I rode my high horse, and vowed that my aunt should do what she liked with her money ; and that I was not the man who would influence her in any way in the disposal of it. After tea the two gents walked away together, and Gus told me that Smithers had asked him a thousand questions about the office, about Brough, about me and my wife, and everything con- cerning us. "You are a lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to be the friend of this charming young couple," said Smithers ; and Gus confessed he was, and said he had dined with us fifteen times in six weeks, and that a better and more hospitable fellow than I did not exist. This I state not to trumpet my own praises, — no, no; but because these questions of Smithers's had a good deal to do with the subsequent events narrated in this little history, Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton that Smithers had admired so the day before, and Gus as usual having his legs under our mahogany, a hackney-coach drove up to AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 71 the door, which we did not much heed; a step was heard on the floor, which we hoped might be for the two-pair lodger, when who should burst into the room but Mrs. Hoggarty herself ! Gus, who was blowing the froth off a pot of porter preparatory to a delicious drink of the beverage, and had been making us die of laughing with his stories and jokes, laid down the pewter pot as Mrs. H. came in, and looked quite sick and pale. Indeed we all felt a little uneasy. My aunt looked haughtily in Mary's face, then fiercely at Gus, and saying, " It is too true — my poor boy — already ! " flung her- self hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, that she would never never leave me. I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agita- tion on Mrs. Hoggarty's part, nor could any of us. She refused Mary's hand when the poor thing rather nervously offered it ; and when Gus timidly said, "I think, Sam, I'm rather in the way here, and perhaps — had better go," Mrs. H. looked him full in the face, pointed to the door majestically with her forefinger, and said, " I think, sir, you had better go." " I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay as long as he pleases," said my wife, with spirit. " Of course you hope so, madam," answered Mrs. Hoggarty, very sarcastic. But Mary's speech and my aunt's were quite lost upon Gus ; for he had instantly run to his hat, and I heard him tumbling downstairs. The quarrel ended, as usual, by Mary's bursting into a fit of tears, and by my aunt's repeating the assertion that it was not too late, she trusted ; and from that day forth she would never never leave me. " What could have made aunt return and be so angry 1 " said I to Mary that night, as we were in our own room ; but my wife pro- tested she did not know : and it was only some time after that I found out the reason of this quarrel, and of Mrs. H.'s sudden reappearance. The horrible fat coarse little Smithers told me the matter as a very good joke, only the other year, when he showed me the letter of Hickson, Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, which has before been quoted in my Memoirs. "Sam, my boy," said he, "you were determined to leave Mrs. Hoggarty in Brough's clutches at the Rookery, and I was deter- mined to have her away. I resolved to kill two of your mortal enemies with one stone as it were. It was quite clear to me that the Reverend Grimes Wapshot had an eye to your aunt's fortune ; and that Mr. Brough had similar predatory intentions regarding her. Predatory is a mild word, Sam : if I had said robbery at once, I should express my meaning clearer. 72 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH "Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriving, made straight for the lodgings of the reverend gentleman. ' Sir,' said I, on finding that worthy gent, — he was drinking warm brandy-and- water, Sam, at two o'clock in the day, or at least the room smelt very strongly of that beverage — ' Sir,' says I, ' you were tried for forgery in the year '14, at Lancaster assizes.' " ' And acquitted, sir. My innocence was by Providence made clear,' said Wapshot. " 'But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in '16, sir,' says I, ' and passed two years in York Gaol in consequence.' I knew the fellow's history, for I had a writ out against him when he was a preacher at Clifton. I followed up my blow. 'Mr. Wapshot,' said I, ' you are making love to an excellent lady now at the house of Mr. Brough : if you do not promise to give up all pursuit of her, I will expose you.' " ' I have promised,' said Wapshot, rather surprised, and looking more easy. ' I have given my solemn promise to Mr. Brough, who was with me this very morning, storming, and scolding, and swearing. Oh, sir, it would have frightened you to hear a Christian babe like him swear as he did.' " * Mr. Brough been here 1 ' says I, rather astonished. "'Yes; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,' says Wapshot. 'You want to marry the widow with the Slopperton and Squashtail estate, do you 1 Well, well, have your way. I've promised not to have anything more to do with the widow, and a Wapshot's honour is sacred.' " ' I suppose, sir,' says I, ' Mr. Brough has threatened to kick you out of doors, if you call again.' " 'You have been with him, I see,' says the reverend gent, with a shrug : then I remembered what you had told me of the broken seal of your letter, and have not the slightest doubt that Brough opened and read every word of it. ' ' Well, the first bird was bagged : both I and Brough had had a shot at him. Now I had to fire at the whole Rookery ; and off I went, primed and loaded, sir, — primed and loaded. "It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed the lodge-gates, a figure that I knew, walking in the shrubbery— that of your respected aunt, sir : but I wished to meet the amiable ladies of the house before I saw her ; because look, friend Titmarsh, I saw by Mrs. Hoggarty's letter, that she and they were at daggers drawn, and hoped to get her out of the house at once by means of a quarrel with them." I laughed, and owned that Mr. Smithers was a very cunning fellow AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 73 " As luck would have it," continued he, " Miss Brough was in the drawing-room twangling on a guitar, and singing most atrociously out of tune ; but as I entered at the door, I cried ' Hush ! ' to the footman, as loud as possible, stood stock-still, and then walked forward on tiptoe lightly. Miss B. could see in the glass every movement that I made; she pretended not to see, however, and finished the song with a regular roulade. " ' Gracious Heaven ! ' said I, ' do, madam, pardon me for interrupting that delicious harmony, — for coming unaware upon it, — for daring uninvited to listen to it.' " ' Do you come for mamma, sir 1 ' said Miss Brough, with as much graciousness as her physiognomy could command. * I am Miss Brough, sir.' " * I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word regard ing my business until you have sung another charming strain.' " She did not sing, but looked pleased, and said, ' La ! sir, what is your business 1 ' " ' My business is with a lady, your respected father's guest in this house.' " * Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty ! ' says Miss Brough, flouncing towards the bell, and ringing it. 'John, send to Mrs. Hoggarty, in the shrubbery ; here is a gentleman who wants to see her.' " ' I know,' continued I, ' Mrs. Hoggarty 's peculiarities as well as any one, madam ; and aware that those and her education are not such as to make her a fit companion for you. I know you do not like her : she has written to us in Somersetshire that you do not like her.' " * What ! she has been abusing us to her friends, has she 1 ' cried Miss Brough (it was the very point I wished to insinuate). ' If she does not like us, why does she not leave us 1 ' " ' She has made rather a long visit,' said I ; * and I am sure that her nephew and niece are longing for her return. Pray, madam, do not move, for you may aid me in the object for which I come.' " The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular battle-royal between the two ladies ; at the end of which I intended to appeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought really no longer to stay in a house with the members of which she had such unhappy differences. Well, sir, the battle-royal was fought, — Miss Belinda opening the fire, by saying she understood Mrs. Hoggarty had been calumniating her to her friends. But though at the end of it Miss rushed out of the room in a rage, and vowed she would leave her home unless that odious woman left it, your dear aunt said, ' Ha, ha ! I know the minx's vile stratagems ; but, thank Heaven ! I have 74 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH a good heart, and my religion enables me to forgive her. I shall not leave her excellent papa's house, or vex by my departure that worthy admirable man/ " I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion. c Your niece,' said I, f Mrs. Titmarsh, madam, has been of late, Sam says, rather poorly, — qualmish of mornings, madam, — a little nervous, and low in spirits, — symptoms, madam, that are scarcely to be mistaken in a young married person.' "Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she would send Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, and she was perfectly certain it would do her good. " With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my last reserve into the field, and may tell you what that was, Sam, my boy, now that the matter is so long passed. ' Madam,' said I, ' there's a matter about which I must speak, though indeed I scarcely dare. I dined with your nephew yesterday, and met at his table a young man — a young man of low manners, but evidently one who has blinded your nephew, and I too much fear has suc- ceeded in making an impression upon your niece. His name is Hoskins, madam ; and when I state that he who was never in the house during your presence there, has dined with your too confiding nephew sixteen times in three weeks, I may leave you to imagine what I dare not — dare not imagine myself.' "The shot told. Your aunt bounced up at once, and in ten minutes more was in my carriage, on our way back to London. There, sir, was not that generalship 1 " " And you played this pretty trick off at my wife's expense, Mr. Smithers," said I. " At your wife's expense, certainly ; but for the benefit of both /* 11 or you. "It's lucky, sir, that you are an old man," I replied, "and that the affair happened ten years ago; or, by the Lord, Mr. Smithers, I would have given you such a horsewhipping as you never heard of ! " But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought back to her relatives ; and this was the reason why we took that house in Bernard Street, the doings at which must now be described. CHAPTER X OF SAM'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS, AND OF THE FIRM OF BROUGH AND HOFF WE took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, and my aunt sent for all her furniture from the country ; which would have filled two such houses, but which came pretty cheap to us young housekeepers, as we had only to pay the carriage of the goods from Bristol. When I brought Mrs. H. her third half-year's dividend, having not for four months touched a shilling of her money, I must say she gave me £50 of the £80, and told me that was ample pay for the board and lodging of a poor old woman like her, who did not eat more than a sparrow. I have myself, in the country, seen her eat nine sparrows in a pudding ; but she was rich, and I could not complain. If she saved £600 a year, at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings would one day come to me ; and so Mary and I consoled ourselves, and tried to manage matters as well as we might. It was no easy task to keep a mansion in Bernard Street and save money out of £470 a year, which was my income. But what a lucky fellow I was to have such an income ! As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers's carriage, Mr. Brough, with his four greys, was entering the lodge-gate; and I should like to have seen the looks of these two gentlemen, as the one was carrying the other's prey off, out of his own very den, under his very nose. He came to see her the next day, and protested that he would not leave the house until she left it with him : that he had heard of his daughter's infamous conduct, and had seen her in tears — " in tears, madam, and on her knees, imploring Heaven to pardon her ! " But Mr. B. was obliged to leave the house without my aunt, who had a causa major for staying, and hardly allowed poor Mary out of her sight, — opening every one of the letters that came into the house directed to my wife, and suspecting hers to everybody. Mary never told me of all this pain for many many years afterwards ; but had always a smiling face for her husband when he came home from 76 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH his work.. As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that he never once showed his nose in the place all the time we lived there ; but used to be content with news of Mary, of whom he was as fond as he was of me. Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious ill-humour with me. He found fault with me ten times a day, and openly, before the gents of the office ; but I let him one day know pretty smartly that I was not only a servant, but a considerable share- holder in the Company ; that I defied him to find fault with my work or my regularity ; and that I was not minded to receive any insolent language from him or any man. He said it was always so : that he had never cherished a young man in his bosom, but the ingrate had turned on him ; that he was accustomed to wrong and undutifulness from his children, and that he would pray that the sin might be forgiven me. A moment before he had been cursing and swearing at me, and speaking to me as if I had been his shoe- black. But, look you, I was not going to put up with any more of Madam Brough's airs, or of his. With me they might act as they thought fit; but I did not choose that my wife should be passed over by them, as she had been in the matter of the visit to Fulham. Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers. " Beware of these men," said he ; " but for my honesty, your aunt's landed property would have been sacrificed by these cormorants : and when, for her benefit — which you, obstinate young man, will not perceive — I wished to dispose of her land, her attorneys actually had the audacity — the unchristian avarice I may say — to ask ten per cent, commission on the sale." There might be some truth in this, I thought : at any rate, when rogues fall out, honest men come by their own : and now I began to suspect, I am sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director had a little of the rogue in their composition. It was especially about my wife's fortune that Mr. B. showed his cloven foot : for proposing, as usual, that I should purchase shares with it in our Company, I told him that my wife was a minor, and as such her little fortune was vested out of my control altogether. He flung away in a rage at this ; and I soon saw that he did not care for me any more, by Abednego's manner to me. No more holidays, no more advances of money, had I : on the contrary, the private clerk- ship at £150 was abolished, and I found myself on my ,£250 a year again. Well, what then 1 it was always a good income, and I did my duty, and laughed at the Director. About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger Beer Company shut up shop— exploded, as Gus said, with a bang ! AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 77 The Patent Pump shares were down to .£15 upon a paid-up capital of £65. Still ours were at a high premium ; and the Independent West Diddlesex held its head up as proudly as any office in London. Roundhand's abuse had had some influence against the Director, certainly ; for he hinted at malversation of shares : but the Company still stood as united as the Hand-in-Hand, and as firm as the Rock. To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell Square : my aunt's old furniture crammed our little rooms ; and my aunt's enormous old jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and half the strings broken, occupied three-fourths of the little drawing- room. Here used Mrs. H. to sit, and play us, for hours, sonatas that were in fashion in Lord Charleville's time j and sung with a cracked voice, till it was all that we could do to refrain from laughing. And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in Mrs. Hoggarty's character now : for whereas she was in the country among the topping persons of the village, and quite content with a tea-party at six and a game of twopenny whist afterwards, — in London she would never dine till seven ; would have a fly from the mews to drive in the Park twice a week ; cut and uncut, and ripped up and twisted over and over, all her old gowns, flounces, caps, and fallals, and kept my poor Mary from morning till night altering them to the present mode. Mrs. Hoggarty, moreover, appeared in a new wig ; and, I am sorry to say, turned out with such a pair of red cheeks as Nature never gave her, and as made all the people in Bernard Street stare, where they are not as yet used to such fashions. Moreover, she insisted upon our establishing a servant in livery, — a boy, that is, of about sixteen, — who was dressed in one of the old liveries that she had brought with her from Somersetshire, decorated with new cuffs and collars, and new buttons : on the latter were represented the united crests of the Titmarshes and Hoggartys, viz., a tomtit rampant and a hog in armour. I thought this livery and crest-button rather absurd, I must confess ; though my family is very ancient. And heavens ! what a roar of laughter was raised in the office one day, when the little servant in the big livery, with the immense cane, walked in and brought me a message from Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty ! Furthermore, all letters were delivered on a silver tray. If we had had a baby, I believe aunt would have had it down on the tray : but there was as yet no foundation for Mr. Smithers's insinuation upon that score, any more than for his other cowardly fabrication before narrated. Aunt and Mary used to walk gravely up and down the New Road, with the boy following with his great gold-headed stick • but though there was all this ceremony and parade, and aunt still talked of her acquaintances, we did not see a single person from week's end to 78 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH week's end, and a more dismal house than ours could hardly be found in London town. On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, then just built, and as handsome as Covent Garden Theatre ; and of evenings, to a meeting-house of the Anabaptists : and that day, at least, Mary and I had to ourselves, —for we chose to have seats at the Foundling, and heard the charming music there, and my wife used to look wistfully in the pretty children's faces, — and so, for the matter of that, did I. It was not, however, till a year after our marriage that she spoke in a way which shall be here passed over, but which filled both her and me with inexpressible joy. I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when the Muff and Tippet Company shut up, after swallowing a capital of <£300,000, as some said, and nothing to show for it except a treaty with some Indians, who had afterwards tomahawked the agent of the Company. Some people said there were no Indians, and no agent to be tomahawked at all ; but that the whole had been invented in a house in Crutched Friars. Well, I pitied poor Tidd, whose ,£20,000 were thus gone in a year, and whom I met in the City that day with a most ghastly face. He had £1000 of debts, he said, and talked of shooting himself; but he was only arrested, and passed a long time in the Fleet. Mary's delightful news, how- ever, soon put Tidd and the Muff and Tippet Company out of my head ; as you may fancy. Other circumstances now occurred in the City of London which seemed to show that our Director was— what is not to be found in Johnson's Dictionary — rather shaky. Three of his companies had broken ; four more were in a notoriously insolvent state ; and even at the meetings of the directors of the West Diddlesex, some stormy words passed, which ended in the retirement of several of the board. Friends of Mr. B.'s filled up their places : Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw, Mr. Query, and other respectable gents, coming forward and joining the concern. Brough and Hoff dissolved partnership ; and Mr. B. said he had quite enough to do to manage the I. W. D., and in- tended gradually to retire from the other affairs. Indeed, such an Association as ours was enough work for any man, let alone the parliamentary duties which Brough was called on to perform, and the seventy-two lawsuits which burst upon him as principal director of the late companies. Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by Mrs. Hoggarty to introduce herself into genteel life. Strange to say, although we had my Lord TiptofFs word to the contrary, she insisted upon it that she and Lady Drum were intimately related ; and no sooner did she read in the Morning Post of the arrival of AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 79 her Ladyship and her granddaughters in London, than she ordered the fly before mentioned, and left cards at their respective houses : her card, that is — "MRS. HOGGARTY of CASTLE HOGGARTY," magnificently engraved in Gothic letters and flourishes ; and ours, viz., " Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh," which she had printed for the purpose. She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston's door and forced her way upstairs, in spite of Mary's entreaties to the contrary, had the footman who received her card given her the least encourage- ment ; but that functionary, no doubt struck by the oddity of her appearance, placed himself in the front of the door, and declared that he had positive orders not to admit any strangers to his lady. On which Mrs. Hoggarty clenched her fist out of the coach-window, and promised that she would have him turned away. Yellowplush only burst out laughing at this ; and though aunt wrote a most indignant letter to Mr. Edmund Preston, complaining of the insolence of the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr. Preston did not take any notice of her letter, further than to return it, with a desire that he might not be troubled with such impertinent visits for the future. A pretty day we had of it when this letter arrived, owing to my aunt's disappointment and rage in reading the contents ; for when Solomon brought up the note on the silver tea- tray as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr. Preston's seal and name at the corner of the letter (which is the common way of writing adopted by those official gents) — my aunt, I say, seeing his name and seal, cried, " Now, Mary, who is right 1 " and betted my wife a sixpence that the envelope contained an invitation to dinner. She never paid the sixpence, though she lost, but contented herself by abusing Mary all day, and said I was a poor-spirited sneak for not instantly horse- whipping Mr. P. A pretty joke, indeed ! They would have hanged me in those days, as they did the man who shot Mr. Perceval. And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in genteel life which I obtained through the perseverance of Mrs. Hoggarty ; but it must be owned that my opportunities were but few, lasting only for the brief period of six months : and also, genteel society has been fully described already by various authors of novels, whose names need not here be set down, but who, being themselves connected with the aristocracy, viz., as members of noble families, or as footmen or hangers-on thereof, naturally understand their subject a great deal better than a poor young fellow from a fire- office can. There was our celebrated adventure in the Opera House, whither Mrs. H. would insist upon conducting us ; and where, in a room of the establishment called the crush-room, where the ladies and gents 8o THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH after the music and dancing await the arrival of their carriages (a pretty figure did our little Solomon cut, by the way, with his big cane, among the gentlemen of the shoulder-knot assembled in the lobby !) — where, I say, in the crush-room, Mrs. H. rushed up to old Lady Drum, whom I pointed out to her, and insisted upon claiming relationship with her Ladyship. But my Lady Drum had only a memory when she chose, as I may say, and had entirely on this occasion thought fit to forget her connection with the Titmarshes and Hoggartys. Far from recognising us, indeed, she called Mrs. Hoggarty an "ojus 'oman," and screamed out as loud as possible for a police-officer. This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of this wicked world, as she said, and threw her more and more into really serious society. She formed several very valuable acquaint- ances, she said, at the Independent Chapel; and among others, lighted upon her friend of the Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot. We did not know then the interview which he had had with Mr. Smithers, nor did Grimes think proper to acquaint us with the particulars of it ; but though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with the fact that her favourite preacher had been tried for forgery, she replied that she considered the story an atrocious calumny ; and he answered by saying that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and that we should infallibly find the way to a certain bottomless pit, of which he seemed to know a great deal. Under the reverend gentle- man's guidance and advice, she, after a time, separated from St. Pancras altogether — •" sat under him" as the phrase is, regularly thrice a week — began to labour in the conversion of the poor of Bloomsbury and St. Giles's, and made a deal of baby-linen for distribution among those benighted people. She did not make any, however, for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who now showed signs that such would be speedily necessary, but let Mary (and my mother and sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite for the coming event. I am not, indeed, sure that she did not say it was wrong on our parts to make any such provision, and that we ought to let the morrow provide for itself. At any rate, the Reverend Grimes Wapshot drank a deal of brandy-and-water at our house, and dined there even oftener than poor Gus used to do. But I had little leisure to attend to him and his doings ; for I must confess at this time I was growing very embarrassed in my circumstances, and was much harassed both as a private and public character. As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me £50 ; but out of that £50 I had to pay a journey post from Somersetshire, all the carriage of her goods from the country, the painting, papering, AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 81 and carpeting of my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by the Reverend Grimes and his friends (for the reverend gent said that Rosolio did not agree with him); and finally, a thousand small bills and expenses incident to all housekeepers in the town of London. Add to this, I received just at the time when I was most in want of cash, Madame Mantalini's bill, Messrs. Howell and James's ditto, the account of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius for the setting of the diamond-pin. All these bills arrived in a week, as they have a knack of doing ; and fancy my astonishment in presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty, when she said, "Well, my dear, you are in the receipt of a very fine income. If you choose to order dresses and jewels from first-rate shops, you must pay for them ; and don't expect that / am to abet your extravagance, or give you a shilling more than the munificent sum I pay you for board and lodging ! " How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, and Mary in such a delicate condition 1 And bad as matters were at home, I am sorry to say at the office they began to look still worse. Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away. Abednego became head clerk : and one day old Abednego came to the place and was shown into the directors' private room ; when he left it, he came trembling, chattering, and cursing downstairs ; and had begun, " Shentlemen " a speech to the very clerks in the office, when Mr. Brough, with an imploring look, and crying out, " Stop till Saturday ! " at length got him into the street. On Saturday Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I became head clerk with .£400 a year salary. It was a fatal week for the office, too. On Monday, when I arrived and took my seat at the head desk, and my first read of the newspaper, as was my right, the first thing I read was, " Frightful fire in Houndsditch ! Total destruction of Mr. Meshach's sealing-wax manufactory and of Mr. Shadrach's clothing depot, adjoining. In the former was .£20,000 worth of the finest Dutch wax, which the voracious element attacked and devoured in a twinkling. The latter estimable gentleman had just completed forty thousand suits of clothes for the cavalry of H.H. the Cacique of Poyais." Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. Abednego, were insured in our office to the full amount of their loss. The calamity was attributed to the drunkenness of a scoundrelly Irish watchman, who was employed on the premises, and who upset a bottle of whisky in the warehouse of Messrs. Shadrach, and incautiously looked for the liquor with a lighted candle. The man 82 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH was brought to our office by his employers ; and certainly, as we all could testify, was even then in a state of frightful intoxication. As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the demise of Alderman Pash — Alderman Cally-Pash we used to call him in our lighter hours, knowing his propensity to green fat : but such a moment as this was no time for joking ! He was insured by our house for £5000. And now I saw very well the truth of a remark of Gus's — viz., that life-assurance companies go on excellently for a year or two after their establishment, but that it is much more difficult to make them profitable when the assured parties begin to die. The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for though the Waddingley Cotton-mills had been burnt in 1822, at a loss to the Company of £80,000, and though the Patent Erostratus Match Manufactory had exploded in the same year at a charge of £14,000, there were those who said that the loss had not been near so heavy as was supposed — nay, that the Company had burnt the above-named establishments as advertisements for themselves. Of these facts I can't be positive, having never seen the early accounts of the concern. Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves as dismal as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the office in his coach-and- four, laughing and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the door. " Gentlemen ! " said he, " you have read the papers ; they announce an event which I most deeply deplore. I mean the demise of the excellent Alderman Pash, one of our constituents. But if anything can console me for the loss of that worthy man, it is to think that his children and widow will receive, at eleven o'clock next Saturday, £5000 from my friend Mr. Titmarsh, who is now head clerk here. As for the accident which has happened to Messrs. Shadrach and Meshach,- — in that, at least, there is nothing that can occasion any person sorrow. On Saturday next, or as soon as the particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained, my friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the counter a sum of forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred thousand pounds — according to the amount of their loss. They, at least, will be remunerated • and though to our proprietors the outlay will no doubt be considerable, yet we can afford it, gentlemen. John Brough can afford it him- self, for the matter of that, and not be very much embarrassed ; and we must learn to bear ill-fortune as we have hitherto borne good, and show ourselves to be men always ! " Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don't like to give here ; for to speak of Heaven in connection with common AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 83 worldly matters, has always appeared to me irreverent ; and to bring it to bear witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious hypocrite does, is such a frightful crime, that one should be careful even in alluding to it. Mr. Brough's speech somehow found its way into the news- papers of that very evening ; nor can I think who gave a report of it, for none of our gents left the office that day until the evening papers had appeared. But there was the speech — ay, and at the week's end, although Roundhand was heard on 'Change that day declaring he would bet five to one that Alderman Pash's money would never be paid, — at the week's end the money was paid by me to Mrs. Pash's solicitor across the counter, and no doubt Roundhand lost his money. Shall I tell how the money was procured1? There can be no harm in mentioning the matter now after twenty years' lapse of time ; and moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals now dead. As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough's room, and he now seemed once more disposed to take me into his confidence. " Titmarsh, my boy," said he one day to me, after looking me hard in the face, "did you ever hear of the fate of the great Mr. Silberschmidt, of London?" Of course I had. Mr. Silber- schmidt, the Rothschild of his day (indeed I have heard the latter famous gent was originally a clerk in Silberschmidt's house) — Silberschmidt, fancying he could not meet his engagements, com- mitted suicide ; and had he lived till four o'clock that day, would have known that he was worth £400,000. " To tell you frankly the truth," says Mr. B., " I am in Silberschmidt's case. My late partner, Hoff, has given bills in the name of the firm to an enormous amount, and I have been obliged to meet them. I have been cast in fourteen actions, brought by creditors of that infernal Ginger Beer Company ; and all the debts are put upon my shoulders, on account of my known wealth. Now, unless I have time, I cannot pay ; and the long and short of the matter is that if I cannot procure X5000 before Saturday, our concern is ruined I " " What ! the West Diddlesex ruined ? " says I, thinking of my poor mother's annuity. " Impossible ! our business is splendid ! " " We must have <£5000 on Saturday, and we are saved ; and if you will, as you can, get it for me, I will give you XI 0,000 for the money ! " B. then showed me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, and his own private account ; proving beyond the possibility of a doubt, that with the £5000 our office must be set agoing; and without it, that the concern must stop. No matter how he proved 84 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH the thing ; but there is, you know, a dictum of a statesman that, give him but leave to use figures, and he will prove anything. I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and she seemed not to be disinclined. I told him so ; and that day he called upon her, his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon her, and once more the Brough carriage-and-four was seen at our house. But Mrs. Brough was a bad manager ; and, instead of carrying matters with a high hand, fairly burst into tears before Mrs. Hoggarty, and went down on her knees and besought her to save dear John. This at once aroused my aunt's suspicions ; and instead of lending the money, she wrote off to Mr. Smithers instantly to come up to her, desired me to give her up the <£3000 scrip shares that I possessed, called me an atrocious cheat and heartless swindler, and vowed I had been the cause of her ruin. How was Mr. Brough to get the money1? I will tell you. Being in his room one day, old Grates the Fulham porter came and brought him from Mr. Balls, the pawnbroker, a sum of <£1200. Missus told him, he said, to carry the plate to Mr. Balls ; and having paid the money, old Gates fumbled a great deal in his pockets, and at last pulled out a ,£5 note, which he said his daughter Jane had just sent him from service, and begged Mr. B. would let him have another share in the Company. " He was mortal sure it would go right yet. And when he heard master crying and cursing as he and missus were walking in the shrubbery, and saying that for the want of a few pounds — a few shillings — the finest fortune in Europe was to be overthrown, why Gates and his woman thought that they should come for'ard, to be sure, with all they could, to help the kindest master and missus ever was." This was the substance of Gates's speech ; and Mr. Brough shook his hand and — took the <£5. "Gates," said he, "that <£5 note shall be the best outlay you ever made in your life ! " and I have no doubt it was, — but it was in heaven that poor old Gates was to get the interest of his little mite. NOT was this the only instance. Mrs. Brough's sister, Miss Dough, who had been on bad terms with the Director almost ever since he had risen to be a great man, came to the office with a power of attorney, and said, " John, Isabella has been with me this morning, and says you want money, and I have brought you my ,£4000 ; it is all I have, John, and pray God it may do you good- — you and my dear sister, who was the best sister in the world to me —till — till a little time ago." And she laid down the paper : I was called up to witness it, and Brough, with tears in his eyes, told me her words; for he AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 85 could trust me, he said. And thus it was that I came to be present at Gates's interview with his master, which took place only an hour afterwards. Brave Mrs. Brough ! how she was working for her husband ! Good woman, and kind ! but you had a true heart, and merited a better fate ! Though wherefore say so ? The woman, to this day, thinks her husband an angel, and loves him a thousand times better for his misfortunes. On Saturday, Alderman Pash's solicitor was paid by me across the counter, as I said. " Never mind your aunt's money, Titmarsh, my boy," said Brough : " never mind her having resumed her shares. You are a true honest fellow ; you have never abused me like that pack of curs downstairs, and I'll make your fortune yet ! " The next week, as I was sitting with my wife, with Mr. Smithers, and with Mrs. Hoggarty, taking our tea comfortably, a knock was heard at the door, and a gentleman desired to speak to me in the parlour. It was Mr. Aminadab of Chancery Lane, who arrested me as a shareholder of the Independent West Diddlesex Association, at the suit of Von Stiltz of Clifford Street, tailor and draper. I called down Smithers, and told him for Heaven's sake not to tell Mary. " Where is Brough 1 " says Mr. Smithers. " Why," says Mr. Aminadab, " he's once more of the firm of Brough and Off, sir — he breakfasted at Calais this morning ! " CHAPTER XI IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS A DIAMOND, AND YET BE VERY HARD PRESSED FOR A DINNER ON that fatal Saturday evening, in a hackney-coach, fetched from the Foundling, was I taken from my comfortable house and my dear little wife ; whom Mr. Smithers was left to console as he might. He said that I was compelled to take a journey upon business connected with the office ; and my poor Mary made up a little portmanteau of clothes, and tied a com- forter round my neck, and bade my companion particularly to keep the coach windows shut : which injunction the grinning wretch promised to obey. Our journey was not long : it was only a shilling fare to Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane, and there I was set down. The house before which the coach stopped seemed to be only one of half-a-dozen in that street which were used for the same purpose. No man, be he ever so rich, can pass by those dismal houses, I think, without a shudder. The front windows are barred, and on the dingy pillar of the door was a shining brass-plate, setting forth that " Aminadab, Officer to the Sheriff of Middlesex," lived therein. A little red-haired Israelite opened the first door as our coach drove up, and received me and my baggage. As soon as we entered the door, he barred it, and I found myself in the face of another huge door, which was strongly locked ; and, at last, passing through that, we entered the lobby of the house. There is no need to describe it. It is very like ten thousand other houses in our dark City of London. There was a dirty passage and a dirty stair, and from the passage two dirty doors let into two filthy rooms, which had strong bars at the windows, and yet withal an air of horrible finery that makes me uncomfortable to think of even yet. On the walls hung all sorts of trumpery pictures in tawdry frames (how different from those capital performances of my cousin Michael Angelo !) ; on the mantelpiece huge French clocks, vases, and candlesticks; on the sideboards, enormous trays of Birmingham plated ware: for Mr. Aminadab not only arrested those who could not pay money, but lent it to those who could; AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 87 and had already, in the way of trade, sold and bought these articles many times over. I agreed to take the back-parlour for the night, and while a Hebrew damsel was arranging a little dusky sofa-bedstead (woe betide him who has to sleep on it !) I was invited into the front- parlour, where Mr. Aminadab, bidding me take heart, told me I should have a dinner for nothing with a party who had just arrived. I did not want for dinner, but I was glad not to be alone — not alone, even till Gus came ; for whom I despatched a messenger to his lodgings hard by. I found there, in the front-parlour, at eight o'clock in the evening, four gentlemen, just about to sit down to dinner. Sur- prising ! there was Mr, B., a gentleman of fashion, who had only within half-an-hour arrived in a post-chaise with his companion, Mr. Lock, an officer of Horsham gaol. Mr. B. was arrested in this wise : He was a careless good-humoured gentleman, and had indorsed bills to a large amount for a friend ; who, a man of high family and unquestionable honour, had pledged the latter, along with a number of the most solemn oaths, for the payment of the bills in question. Having indorsed the notes, young Mr. B., with a proper thoughtlessness, forgot all about them, and so, by some chance, did the friend whom he obliged; for, instead of being in London with the money for the payment of his obligations, this latter gentleman was travelling abroad, and never hinted one word to Mr. B. that the notes would fall upon him. The young gentleman was at Brighton lying sick of a fever ; was taken from his bed by a bailiff, and carried, on a rainy day, to Horsham gaol; had a relapse of his complaint, and when sufficiently recovered, was brought up to London to the house of Mr. Aminadab; where I found him — a pale, thin, good-humoured, lost young man : he was lying on a sofa, and had given orders for the dinner to which I was invited. The lad's face gave one pain to look at ; it was impossible not to see that his hours were numbered. Now Mr. B. has not anything to do with my humble story; but I can't help mentioning him, as I saw him. He sent for his lawyer and his doctor; the former settled speedily his accounts with the bailiff, and the latter arranged all his earthly accounts : for after he went from the spunging-house he never recovered from the shock of the arrest, and in a few weeks he died. And though this circumstance took place many years ago, I can't forget it to my dying day; and often see the author of Mr. B.'s death, — a prosperous gentleman, riding a fine horse in the Park, lounging at the window of a club ; with many friends, no doubt, and a good reputation. I wonder whether the man sleeps easily and eats with 88 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH a good appetite ? I wonder whether he has paid Mr. B.'s heirs the sum which that gentleman paid, and died for ? If Mr. B.'s history has nothing to do with mine, and is only inserted here for the sake of a moral, what business have I to mention particulars of the dinner to which I was treated by that gentleman, in the spunging-house in Cursitor Street? Why, for the moral too ; and therefore the public must be told of what really and truly that dinner consisted. There were five guests, and three silver tureens of soup : viz., mock-turtle soup, ox-tail soup, and giblet soup. Next came a great piece of salmon, likewise on a silver dish, a roast goose, a roast gaddle of mutton, roast game, and all sorts of adjuncts. In this way can a gentleman live in a spunging-house if he be inclined ; and over this repast (which, in truth, I could not touch, for, let alone having dined, my heart was full of care) — over this meal my friend Gus Hoskins found me, when he received the letter that I had despatched to him. Gus, who had never been in a prison before, and whose heart failed him as the red-headed young Moses opened and shut for him the numerous iron outer doors, was struck dumb to see me behind a bottle of claret, in a room blazing with gilt lamps ; the curtains were down too, and you could not see the bars at the windows ; and Mr. B., Mr. Lock the Brighton officer, Mr. Aminadab, and another rich gentleman of his trade and religious persuasion, were chirping as merrily, and looked as respectably, as any noblemen in the land. " Have him in," said Mr. B., " if he's a friend of Mr. Titmarsh's; for, cuss me, I like to see a rogue : and run me through, Titmarsh, but I think you are one of the best in London. You beat Brough ; you do, by Jove ! for he looks like a rogue — anybody would swear to him ; but you ! by Jove, you look the very picture of honesty ! " " A deep file," said Aminadab, winking and pointing me out to his friend Mr. Jehoshaphat. "A good one," says Jehoshaphat. " In for three hundred thousand pound," says Aminadab : " Brough's right-hand man, and only three-and-twenty." "Mr. Titmarsh, sir, your 'ealth, sir," says Mr. Lock, in an ecstasy of admiration. "Your very good 'ealth, sir, and better luck to you next time." "Pooh, pooh ! he's all right," says Aminadab; "let him alone." " In for what ? " shouted I, quite amazed. " Why, sir, you arrested me for £90." " Yes, but you are in for half a million, — you know you are. Them debts I don't count — them paltry tradesmen's accounts. I mean Brough's business. It's an ugly one ; but you'll get through AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 89 it. We all know you; and I lay my life that when you come through the court, Mrs. Titmarsh has got a handsome thing laid by." "Mrs. Titmarsh has a small property, sir," says I. "What then?" The three gentlemen burst into a loud laugh, said I was a " rum chap " — a " downy cove," and made other remarks which I could not understand then ; but the meaning of which I have since comprehended, for they took me to be a great rascal, I am sorry to say, and supposed that I had robbed the I. W. D. Association, and, in order to make my money secure, settled it on my wife. It was in the midst of this conversation that, as I said, Gus came in ; and whew ! when he saw what was going on, he gave such a whistle ! " Herr von Joel, by Jove ! " says Aminadab. At which all laughed. " Sit down," says Mr. B., — " sit down, and wet your whistle, my piper ! I say, egad ! you're the piper that played before Moses ! Had you there, Dab. Dab, get a fresh bottle of Bur- gundy for Mr. Hoskins." And before he knew where he was, there was Gus for the first time in his life drinking Clos-Vougeot. Gus said he had never tasted Bergamy before, at which the bailiff sneered, and told him the name of the wine. " Old Clo ! What ? " says Gus ; and we laughed : but the Hebrew gents did not this time. " Come, come, sir ! " says Mr. Aminadab's friend, " ve're all shentlemen here, and shentlemen never makish reflexunsh upon other gentlemen'sh pershuashunsh." After this feast was concluded, Gus and I retired to my room to consult about my affairs. With regard to the responsibility incurred as a shareholder in the West Diddlesex, I was not uneasy ; for though the matter might cause me a little trouble at first, I knew I was not a shareholder ; that the shares were scrip shares, making the dividend payable to the bearer ; and my aunt had called back her shares, and consequently I was free. But it was very unpleasant to me to consider that I was in debt nearly a hundred pounds to tradesmen, chiefly of Mrs. Hoggarty's recommendation ; and as she had promised to be answerable for their bills, I deter- mined to send her a letter reminding her of her promise, and begging her at the same time to relieve me from Mr. Von Stiltz's debt, for which I was arrested : and which was incurred not certainly at her desire, but at Mr. Brough's; and would never have been incurred by me but at the absolute demand of that gentleman. I wrote to her, therefore, begging her to pay all these debts, 90 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH and promised myself on Monday morning again to he with my dear wife. Gus carried off the letter, and promised to deliver it in Ber- nard Street after church-time ; taking care that Mary should know nothing at all of the painful situation in which I was placed. It was near midnight when we parted, and I tried to sleep as well as I could in the dirty little sofa-bedstead of Mr. Aminadab's back-parlour. That morning was fine and sunshiny, and I heard all the bells ringing cheerfully for church, and longed to be walking to the Foundling with my wife : but there were the three iron doors between me and liberty, and I had nothing for it but to read my prayers in my own room, and walk up and down afterwards in the court at the back of the house. Would you believe it 1 This very court was like a cage ! Great iron bars covered it in from one end to another; and here it was that Mr. Aminadab's gaol-birds took the air. They had seen me reading out of the prayer-book at the back- parlour window, and all burst into a yell of laughter when I came to walk in the cage. One of them shouted out " Amen ! " when I appeared; another called me a muff (which means, in the slang language, a very silly fellow) ; a third wondered that I took to my prayer-book yet. " When do you mean, sir 1 " says I to the fellow — a rough man, a horse-dealer. ''Why, when you are going to be hanged, you young hypocrite!" says the man. " But that is always the way with Brough's people," continued he. "I had four greys once for him — a great bargain, but he would not go to look at them at Tattersall's, nor speak a word of business about them, because it was a Sunday." " Because there are hypocrites, sir," says I, " religion is not to be considered a bad thing ; and if Mr. Brough would not deal with you on a Sunday, he certainly did his duty." The men only laughed the more at this rebuke, and evidently considered me a great criminal. I was glad to be released from their society by the appearance of Gus and Mr. Smithers. Both wore very long faces. They were ushered into my room, and, without any orders of mine, a bottle of wine and biscuits were brought in by Mr. Aminadab ; which I really thought was very kind of him. "Drink a glass of wine, Mr. Titmarsh," says Smithers, "and read this letter. A pretty note was that which you sent to your aunt this morning, and here you have an answer to it." I drank the wine, and trembled rather as I read as follows : — "SiR, — If, because you knew I had desined to leave you my proparty, you wished to murdar me, and so stepp into it, you are AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 91 dissapointed. Your villianij and ingratitude would have murdard me, had I not, by Heaven's grace, been inabled to look for consala- tion elsewhere. " For nearly a year I have been a martar to you. I gave up everything, — my happy home in the country, where all respected the name of Hoggarty ; my valuble furnitur and wines ; my plate, glass, and crockry ; I brought all — all to make your home happy and rispectable. I put up with the airs and impertanencies of Mrs. Titmarsh ; I loaded her and you with presents and bennafits. I sacrafised myself; I gave up the best sociaty in the land, to witch I have been accustomed, in order to be a gardian and compannion to you, and prevent, if possible, that ivaist and ixtravygance which I prophycied would be your ruin. Such waist and ixtravygance never, never, never did I see. Buttar waisted as if it had been dirt, coles flung away, candles burnt at both ends, tea and meat the same. The butcher's bill in this house was enough to support six famalies. " And now you have the audassaty, being placed in prison justly for your crimes, — for cheating me of £3000, for robbing your mother of an insignificient summ, which to her, poor thing, was everything (though she will not feel her loss as I do, being all her life next door to a beggar), for incurring detts which you cannot pay, wherein you knew that your miserable income was quite unable to support your ixtravygance — you come upon me to pay your detts ! No, sir, it is quite enough that your mother should go on the parish, and that your wife should sweep the streets, to which you have indeed brought them ; /, at least, though cheated by you of a large summ, and obliged to pass my days in comparitive ruin, can retire, and have some of the comforts to which my rank entitles me. The furnitur in this house is mine ; and as I presume you intend your lady to sleep in the streets, I give you warning that I shall remove it all to-morrow. " Mr. Smithers will tell you that I had intended to leave you my intire fortune. I have this morning, in his presents, solamly toar up my will ; and hereby renounce all connection with you and your beggarly family. SUSAN HOGGARTY. "P.8. — I took a viper into my bosom, and it stung me." I confess that, on the first reading of this letter, I was in such a fury that I forgot almost the painful situation in which it plunged me, and the ruin hanging over me. " What a fool you were, Titmarsh, to write that letter ! " said Mr. Smithers. " You have cut your own throat, sir, — lost a fine 92 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH property, — written yourself out of five hundred a year. Mrs. Hoggarty, my client, brought the will, as she says, downstairs, and flung it into the fire before our faces." " It's a blessing that your wife was from home," added Gus. " She went to church this morning with Dr. Salt's family, and sent word that she would spend the day with them. She was always glad to be away from Mrs. H., you know." " She never knew on which side her bread was buttered," said Mr. Smithers. "You should have taken the lady when she was in the humour, sir, and have borrowed the money elsewhere. Why, sir, I had almost reconciled her to her loss in that cursed Company. I showed her how I had saved out of Brough's claws the whole of her remaining fortune ; which he would have devoured in a day, the scoundrel ! And if you would have left the matter to me, Mr. Titmarsh, I would have had you reconciled completely to Mrs. Hoggarty ; I would have removed all your difficulties ; I would have lent you the pitiful sum of money myself." "Will you1?" says Gus; "that's a trump!" and he seized Smithers's hand, and squeezed it so that the tears came into the attorney's eyes. " Generous fellow ! " said I ; " lend me money, when you know what a situation I am in, and not able to pay ! " " Ay, my good sir, there's the rub ! " says Mr. Smithers. " I said I would have lent the money; and so to the acknowledged heir of Mrs. Hoggarty I would — -would at this moment ; for nothing delights the heart of Bob Smithers more than to do a kindness. I would have rejoiced in doing it ; and a mere acknowledgment from that respected lady would have amply sufficed. But now, sir, the case is altered, — you have no security to offer, as you justly observe." " Not a whit, certainly." " And without security, sir, of course can expect no money — of course not. You are a man of the world, Mr. Titmarsh, and I see our notions exactly agree." " There's his wife's property," says Gus. " Wife's property % Bah ! Mrs. Sam Titmarsh is a minor, and can't touch a shilling of it. No, no, no meddling with minors for me ! But stop ! — your mother has a house and shop in our village. Get me a mortgage of that " " I'll do no such thing, sir," says I. " My mother has suffered quite enough on my score already, and has my sisters to provide for ; and I will thank you, Mr. Smithers, not to breathe a syllable to her regarding my present situation." ''You speak like a man of honour, sir," says Mr. Smithers, AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 93 " and I will obey your injunctions to the letter. I will do more, sir. I will introduce you to a respectable firm here, my worthy friends, Messrs. Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwiek, who will do every- thing in their power to serve you. And so, sir, I wish you a very good morning." And with this Mr. Smithers took his hat and left the room ; and after a further consultation with my aunt, as I heard afterwards, quitted London that evening by the mail. I sent my faithful Gus off once more to break the matter gently to my wife, fearing lest Mrs. Hoggarty should speak of it abruptly to her; as I knew in her anger she would do. But he came in an hour panting back, to say that Mrs. H. had packed and locked her trunks, and had gone off in a hackney-coach. So, knowing that my poor Mary was not to return till night, Hoskins remained with me till then; and, after a dismal day, left me once more at nine, to carry the dismal tidings to her. At ten o'clock on that night there was a great rattling and ringing at the outer door, and presently my poor girl fell into my arms; and Gus Hoskins sat blubbering in a corner, as I tried my best to console her. The next morning I was favoured with a visit from Mr. Blather wick ; who, hearing from me that I had only three guineas in my pocket, told me very plainly that lawyers only lived by fees. He recommended me to quit Cursitor Street, as living there was very expensive. And as I was sitting very sad, my wife made her appear- ance (it was with great difficulty that she could be brought to leave me the night previous) — " The horrible men came at four this morning," said she ; " four hours before light." " What horrible men 1, " says I. "Your aunt's men," said she, "to remove the furniture; they had it all packed before I came away. And I let them carry all," said she ; "I was too sad to look what was ours and what was not. That odious Mr. Wapshot was with them ; and I left him seeing the last waggon-load from the door. I have only brought away your clothes," added she, " and a few of mine ; and some of the books you used to like to read ; and some — some things I have been getting for the — for the baby. The servants' wages were paid up to Christmas ; and I paid them the rest. And see ! just as I was going away, the post came, and brought to me my half-year's income — .£35, dear Sam. Isn't it a blessing]" "Will you pay my bill, Mr. What-d'ye-call-'im ?" here cried Mr. Amiiiadab, flinging open the door (he had been consulting with 94 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH Mr. Blatherwick, I suppose). " I want the room for a gentleman. guess it's too dear for the like of you." And here — will you believe it ? — the man handed me a bill of three guineas for two days' board and lodging in his odious house. There was a crowd of idlers round the door as I passed out of it, and had I been alone I should have been ashamed of seeing them ; but, as it was, I was only thinking of my dear dear wife, who was leaning trustfully on my arm, and smiling like heaven into my face — ay, and took heaven, too, into the Fleet prison with me — or an angel out of heaven. Ah ! I had loved her before, and happy it is to love when one is hopeful and young in the midst of smiles and sunshine ; but be ?mhappy, and then see what it is to be loved by a good woman ! I declare before Heaven, that of all the joys and happy moments it has given me, that was the crowning one — that little ride, with my wife's cheek on my shoulder, down Holborn to the prison ! Do you think I cared for the bailiff that sat opposite ? No, by the Lord ! I kissed her, and hugged her — yes, and cried with her likewise. But before our ride was over her eyes dried up, and she stepped blushing and happy out of the coach at the prison door, as if she were a princess going to the Queen's Drawing-room. CHAPTER XII IN WHICH THE HERO'S AUNT'S DIAMOND MAKES ACQUAINT- ANCE WITH THE HERO'S UNCLE THE failure of the great Diddlesex Association speedily became the theme of all the newspapers, and every person concerned in it was soon held up to public abhorrence as a rascal and a swindler. It was said that Brough had gone off with a million of money. Even it was hinted that poor I had sent a hundred thousand pounds to America, and only waited to pass through the court in order to be a rich man for the rest of my days. This opinion had some supporters in the prison; where, strange to say, it procured me consideration — of which, as may be supposed, I was little inclined to avail myself. Mr. Aminadab, however, in his frequent visits to the Fleet, persisted in saying that I was a poor- spirited creature, a mere tool in Brough's hands, and had not saved a shilling. Opinions, however, differed ; and I believe it was con- sidered by the turnkeys that I was a fellow of exquisite dissimula- tion, who had put on the appearance of poverty in order more effectually to mislead the public. Messrs. Abednego and Son were similarly held up to public odium : and, in fact, what were the exact dealings of these gentle- men with Mr. Brough I have never been able to learn. It was proved by the books that large sums of money had been paid to Mr. Abednego by the Company ; but he produced documents signed by Mr. Brough, which made the latter and the West Diddlesex Association his debtors to a still further amount. On the day I went to the Bankruptcy Court to be examined, Mr. Abednego and the two gentlemen from Houndsditch were present to swear to their debts, and made a sad noise, and uttered a vast number of oaths in attestation of their claim. But Messrs. Jackson and Paxton pro- duced against them that very Irish porter who was said to have been the cause of the fire, and, I am told, hinted that they had matter for hanging the Jewish gents if they persisted in their demand. On this they disappeared altogether, and no more was ever heard of their losses. I am inclined to believe that our Director had had money from Abednego — had given him shares as bonus and security 96 THE HISTORY or SAMUEL TITMARSH — had been suddenly obliged to redeem these shares with ready money ; and so had precipitated the ruin of himself and the concern. It is needless to say here in what a multiplicity of companies Brough was engaged. That in which poor Mr. Tidd invested his money did not pay 2d. in the pound ; and that was the largest dividend paii by any of them. As for ours — ah ! there was a pretty scene as I was brought from the Fleet to the Bankruptcy Court, to give my testimony as late head clerk and accountant of the West Diddlesex Association. My poor wife, then very near her time, insisted upon accompany- ing me to Basinghall Street ; and so did my friend Gus Hoskins, that true and honest fellow. If you had seen the crowd that was assembled, and the hubbub that was made as I was brought up ! " Mr. Titmarsh," says the Commissioner as I came to the table, with a peculiar sarcastic accent on the Tit — "Mr. Titmarsh, you were the confidant of Mr. Brough, the principal clerk of Mr. Brough, and a considerable shareholder in the Company 1 " " Only a nominal one, sir," said I. " Of course, only nominal," continued the Commissioner, turning to his colleague with a sneer; "and a great comfort it must be to you, sir, to think that you had a share in all the plun — the profits of the speculation, and now can free yourself from the losses, by saying you are only a nominal shareholder." " The infernal villain ! " shouted out a voice from the crowd. It was that of the furious half-pay captain and late shareholder, Captain Sparr. "Silence in the court there!" the Commissioner continued: and all this while Mary was anxiously looking in his face, and then in mine, as pale as death ; while Gus, on the contrary, was as red as vermilion. " Mr. Titmarsh, I have had the good fortune to see a list of your debts from the Insolvent Court, and find that you are indebted to Mr. Stiltz, the great tailor, in a handsome sum ; to Mr. Polonius, the celebrated jeweller, likewise; to fashionable milliners and dressmakers, moreover; — and all this upon a salary of £200 per annum. For so young a gentleman it must be con- fessed you have employed your time well." " Has this anything to do with the question, sir ? " says I. " Am I here to give an account of my private debts, or to speak as to what I know regarding the affairs of the Company ? As for my share in it, I have a mother, sir, and many sisters " " The d— d scoundrel ! " shouts the Captain. " Silence that there fellow ! " shouts Gus, as bold as brass ; at which the court burst out laughing, and this gave me courage to proceed. AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOKD 97 " My mother, sir, four years since, having a legacy of £400 left to her, advised with her solicitor, Mr. Smithers, how she should dispose of this sum ; and as the Independent West Diddlesex was just then established, the money was placed in an annuity in that office, where I procured a clerkship. You may suppose me a very hardened criminal, because I have ordered clothes of Mr. Von Stiltz ; but you will hardly fancy that I, a lad of nineteen, knew anything of the concerns of the Company into whose service I entered as twentieth clerk, my own mother's money paying, as it were, for my place. Well, sir, the interest offered by the Company was so tempting, that a rich relative of mine was induced to purchase a number of shares." " Who induced your relative, if I may make so bold as to inquire 1 " " I can't help owning, sir," says I, blushing, " that I wrote a letter myself. But consider, my relative was sixty years old, and I was twenty-one. My relative took several months to consider, and had the advice of her lawyers before she acceded to my request. And I made it at the instigation of Mr. Brough, who dictated the letter which I wrote, and who I really thought then was as rich as Mr. Rothschild himself." " Your friend placed her money in your name ; and you, if I mistake not, Mr. Titmarsh, were suddenly placed over the heads of twelve of your fellow-clerks as a reward for your service in obtaining it 1 " " It is very true, sir," — and, as I confessed it, poor Mary began to wipe her eyes, and Gus's ears (I could not see his face) looked like two red-hot muffins — "it's quite true, sir; and, as matters have turned out, I am heartily sorry for what I did. But at the time I thought I could serve my aunt as well as myself; and you must remember, then, how high our shares were." "Well, sir, having procured this sum of money, you were straightway taken into Mr. Brough's confidence. You were re- ceived into his house, and from third clerk speedily became head clerk ; in which post you were found at the disappearance of your worthy patron ! ' "Sir, you have no right to question me, to be sure; but here are a hundred of our shareholders, and I'm not unwilling to make a clean breast of it," said I, pressing Mary's hand. " I certainly ivas the head clerk. And why 1 Because the other gents left the office. I certainly was received into Mr. Brough's house. And why 1 Because, sir my aunt had more money to lay out. I see it all clearly now, though I could not understand it then ; and the proof that Mr. Brough wanted my aunt's money, and not me, is 98 THE HISTORY OF SAMjUEL TITMARSH that, when she came to town, our Director carried her by force out of my house to Fulham, and never so much as thought of asking me or my wife thither. Ay, sir, and he would have had her remaining money, had not her lawyer from the country pre- vented her disposing of it. Before the concern finally broke, and as soon as she heard there was doubt concerning it, she took back her shares — scrip shares they were, sir, as you know — and has dis- posed of them as she thought fit. Here, sir, and gents," says I, " you have the whole of the history as far as regards me. In order to get her only son a means of livelihood, my mother placed her little money with the Company — it is lost. My aunt invested larger sums with it, which were to have been mine one day, and they are lost too ; and here am I, at the end of four years, a dis- graced and ruined man. Is there any one present, however much he has suffered by the failure of the Company, that has had worse fortune through it than 1 1 " "Mr. Titmarsh," says Mr. Commissioner, in a much more friendly way, and at the same time casting a glance at a news- paper reporter that was sitting hard by, " your story is not likely to get into the newspapers ; for, as you say, it is a private ajfair, which you had no need to speak of unless you thought proper, and may be considered as a confidential conversation between us and the other gentlemen here. But if it could be made public, it might do some good, and warn people, if they will be warned, against the folly of such enterprises as that in which you have been engaged. It is quite clear from your story, that you have been deceived as grossly as any one of the persons present. But look you, sir, if you had not been so eager after gain, I think you would not have allowed yourself to be deceived, and would have kept your relative's money, and inherited it, according to your story, one day or other. Directly people expect to make a large interest, their judgment seems to desert them ; and because they wish for profit, they think they are sure of it, and disregard all warnings and all prudence. Besides the hundreds of honest families who have been ruined by merely placing confidence in this Association of yours, and who deserve the heartiest pity, there are hundreds more who have embarked in it, like yourself, not for investment, but for speculation; and these, upon my word, deserve the fate they have met with. As long as dividends are paid, no questions are asked ; and Mr. Brough might have taken the money for his shareholders on the high-road, and they would have pocketed it, and not been too curious. But what's the use of talking 1 " says Mr. Commissioner, in a passion : " here is one rogue detected, and a thousand dupes made ; and if another swindler starts to-morrow, there will be a thousand more of his AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 99 victims round this table a year hence; and so, I suppose, to the end. And now let's go to business, gentlemen, and excuse this sermon." After giving an account of all I knew, which was very little, other gents who were employed in the concern were examined ; and I went back to prison, with my poor little wife on my arm. We had to pass through the crowd in the rooms, and my heart bled as I saw, amongst a score of others, poor Gates, Brough's porter, who had advanced every shilling to his master, and was now, with ten children, houseless and penniless in his old age. Captain Sparr was in this neighbourhood, but by no means so friendly disposed ; for while Gates touched his hat, as if I had been a lord, the little Captain came forward threatening with his bamboo-cane and swear- ing with great oaths that I was an accomplice of Brough. " Curse you for a smooth-faced scoundrel ! " says he. " What business have you to ruin an English gentleman, as you have me 1 " And again he advanced with his stick. But this time, officer as he was, Gus took him by the collar, and shoved him back, and said, " Look at the lady, you brute, and hold your tongue ! " And when he looked at my wife's situation, Captain Sparr became redder for shame than he had before been for anger. " I'm sorry she's married to such a good-for-nothing," muttered he, and fell back; and my poor wife and I walked out of the court, and back to our dismal room in the prison. It was a hard place for a gentle creature like her to be confined in ; and I longed to have some of my relatives with her when her time should come. But her grandmother could not leave the old lieutenant; and my mother had written to say that, as Mrs. Hoggarty was with us, she was quite as well at home with her children. "What a blessing it is for you, under your misfortunes," continued the good soul, " to have the generous purse of your aunt for succour ! " Generous purse of my aunt, indeed ! Where could Mrs. Hoggarty be ? It was evident that she had not written to any of her friends in the country, nor gone thither, as she threatened. But as my mother had already lost so much money through my unfortunate luck, and as she had enough to do with her little pittance to keep my sisters at home ; and as, on hearing of my condition, she would infallibly have sold her last gown to bring me aid, Mary and I agreed that we would not let her know what our real condi- tion was— bad enough ! Heaven knows, and sad and cheerless. Old Lieutenant Smith had likewise nothing but his half-pay and his rheumatism ; so we were, in fact, quite friendless. That period of my life, and that horrible prison, seem to me like recollections of some fever. What an awful place ! — not for ioo THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH the sadness, strangely enough, as I thought, but for the gaiety of it ; for the long prison galleries were, I remember, full of life and a sort of grave bustle. All day and all night doors were clapping to and fro ; and you heard loud voices, oaths, footsteps, and laughter. Next door to our room was one where a man sold gin, under the name of tape ; and here, from morning till night, the people kept up a horrible revelry ; — and sang — sad songs some of them : but my dear little girl was, thank God ! unable to understand the most part of their ribaldry. She never used to go out till nightfall ; and all day she sat working at a little store of caps and dresses for the expected stranger — and not, she says to this day, unhappy. But the confinement sickened her, who had been used to happy country air, and she grew daily paler and paler. The Fives Court was opposite our window; and here I used, very unwillingly at first, but afterwards, I do confess, with much eagerness, to take a couple of hours' daily sport. Ah ! it was a strange place. There was an aristocracy there as elsewhere, — amongst other gents, a son of my Lord Deuceace ; and many of the men in the prison were as eager to walk with him, and talked of his family as knowingly, as if they were Bond Street bucks. Poor Tidd, especially, was one of these. Of all his fortune he had nothing left but a dressing-case and a flowered dressing-gown ; and to these possessions he added a fine pair of moustaches, with which the poor creature strutted about ; and though cursing his ill-fortune, was, I do believe, as happy whenever his friends brought him a guinea, as he had been during his brief career as a gentleman on town. I have seen sauntering dandies in watering-places ogling the women, watching eagerly for steamboats and stage-coaches as if their lives depended upon them, and strutting all day in jackets up and down the public walks. Well, there are such fellows in prison : quite as dandified and foolish, only a little more shabby — dandies with dirty beards and holes at their elbows. I did not go near what is called the poor side of the prison — I dared not, that was the fact. But our little stock of money was running low ; and my heart sickened to think what might be my dear wife's fate, and on what sort of a couch our child might be born. But Heaven spared me that pang, — Heaven, and my dear good friend, Gus Hoskins. The attorneys to whom Mr. Smithers recommended me, told me that I could get leave to live in the rules of the Fleet, could I procure sureties to the marshal of the prison for the amount of the detainer lodged against me ; but though I looked Mr. Blatherwick hard in the face, he never offered to give the bail for me, and I knew no housekeeper in London who would procure it. There was, AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 101 however, one whom I did not know, — and that was old Mr. Hoskins, the leatherseller of Skinner Street, a kind fat gentleman, who brought his fat wife to see Mrs. Titmarsh ; and though the lady gave herself rather patronising airs (her husband being free of tho Skinners' Company, and bidding fair to be Alderman, nay, Lord Mayor of the first city in the world), she seemed heartily to sympa- thise with us; and her husband stirred and bustled about until the requisite leave was obtained, and I was allowed comparative liberty. As, for lodgings, they were soon had. My old landlady, Mrs. Stokes, sent her Jemima to say that her first floor was at our service ; and when we had taken possession of it, and I offered at the end of the week to pay her bill, the good soul, with tears in her eyes, told me that she did not want for money now, and that she knew I had enough to do with what I had. I did not refuse her kindness; for, indeed, I had but five guineas left, and ought not by rights to have thought of such expensive apartments as hers ; but my wife's time was very near, and I could not bear to think that she should want for any comfort in her lying-in. The admirable woman, with whom the Misses Hoskins came every day to keep company — and very nice, kind ladies they are — recovered her health a good deal, now she was out of the odious prison and was enabled to take exercise. How gaily did we pace up and down Bridge Street and Chatham Place, to be sure ! and yet, in truth, I was a beggar, and felt sometimes ashamed of being so happy. With regard to the liabilities of the Company my mind was now made quite easy ; for the creditors could only come upon our directors, and these it was rather difficult to find. Mr. Brough was across the water ; and I must say, to the credit of that gentleman, that while everybody thought he had run away with hundreds of thousands of pounds, he was in a garret at Boulogne, with scarce a shilling in his pocket, and his fortune to make afresh. Mrs. Brough, like a good brave woman, remained faithful to him, and only left Fulham with the gown on her back; and Miss Belinda, though grumbling and sadly out of temper, was no better off. For the other directors, — when they came to inquire at Edinburgh for Mr. Mull, W.S., it appeared there was a gentleman of that name, who had practised in Edinburgh with good reputation until 1800, since when he had retired to the Isle of Skye ; and on being applied to, knew no more of the West Diddlesex Association than Queen Anne did. General Sir Dionysius O'Halloran had abruptly quitted Dublin, and returned to the republic of Guatemala. Mr. Shirk went into the Gazette. Mr. Macraw, M.P. and King's Counsel, 102 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH had not a single guinea in the world but what he received for at- tending our board ; and the only man seizable was Mr. Manstraw, a wealthy navy contractor, as we understood, at Chatham. He turned out to be a small dealer in marine stores, and his whole stock in trade was not worth <£10. Mr. Abednego was the other director, and we have already seen what became of him. " Why, as there is no danger from the West Diddlesex," sug- gested Mr. Hoskins, senior, "should you not now endeavour to make an arrangement with your creditors; and who can make a better bargain with them than pretty Mrs. Titmarsh here, whose sweet eyes would soften the hardest-hearted tailor or milliner that ever lived 1 " Accordingly my dear girl, one bright day in February, shook me by the hand, and bidding me be of good cheer, set forth with Gus in a coach, to pay a visit to those persons. Little did I think a year before, that the daughter of the gallant Smith should ever be compelled to be a suppliant to tailors and haberdashers; but she, Heaven bless her ! felt none of the shame which oppressed me — or said she felt none — and went away, nothing doubting, on her errand. In the evening she came back, and my heart thumped to know the news. I saw it was bad by her face. For some time she did not speak, but looked as pale as death, and wept as she kissed me. " You speak, Mr. Augustus," at last said she, sobbing ; and so Gus told me the circumstances of that dismal day " What do you think, Sam ? " says he ; " that infernal aunt of yours, at whose command you had the things, has written to the tradesmen to say that you are a swindler and impostor; that you give out that she ordered the goods ; that she is ready to drop down dead, and to take her Bible-oath she never did any such thing, and that they must look to you alone for payment. Not one of them would hear of letting you out ; and as for Mantalini, the scoundrel was so insolent that I gave him a box on the ear, and would have half-killed him, only poor Mary — Mrs. Titmarsh I mean — screamed and fainted : and I brought her away, and here she is, as ill as can be." That night, the indefatigable Gus was obliged to run post-haste for Doctor Salts, and next morning a little boy was born, I did not know whether to be sad or happy, as they showed me the little weakly thing ; but Mary was the happiest woman, she declared, in the world, and forgot all her sorrows in nursing the poor baby ; she went bravely through her time, and vowed that it was the loveliest child in the world ; and that though Lady Tiptoif, whose confinement we read of as having taken place the same day, might have a silk bed and a fine house in Grosvenor Square, she never never could AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 103 have such a beautiful child as our dear little Gus : for after whom should we have named the boy, if not after our good kind friend 1 We had a little party at the christening, and I assure you were very merry over our tea. The mother, thank Heaven ! was very well, and it did one's heart good to see her in that attitude in which I think every woman, be she ever so plain, looks beautiful — with her baby at her bosom. The child was sickly, but she did not see it ; we were very poor, but what cared she 1 She had no leisure to be sorrowful as I was : I had my last guinea now in my pocket ; and when that was gone — ah ! my heart sickened to think of what was to come, and I prayed for strength and guidance, and in the midst of my perplexities felt yet thankful that the danger of the confinement was over ; and that for the worst fortune which was to befall us, my dear wife was at least prepared, and strong in health. I told Mrs. Stokes that she must let us have a cheaper room — a garret that should cost but a few shillings ; and though the good woman bade me remain in the apartments we occupied, yet, now that my wife was well, I felt it would be a crime to deprive my kind landlady of her chief means of livelihood ; and at length she promised to get me a garret as I wanted, and to make it as comfortable as might be ; and little Jemima declared that she would be glad beyond measure to wait on the mother and the child. The room, then, was made ready ; and though I took some pains not to speak of the arrangement too suddenly to Mary, yet there was no need of disguise or hesitation ; for when at last I told her — " Is that all ? " said she, and took my hand with one of her blessed smiles, and vowed that she and Jemima would keep the room as pretty and neat as possible. " And I will cook your dinners," added she ; "for you know you said I make the best roly-poly puddings in the world." God bless her ! I do think some women almost love poverty : but I did not tell Mary how poor I was, nor had she any idea how lawyers', and prison's, and doctors' fees had diminished the sum of money which she brought me when we came to the Fleet. It was not, however, destined that she and her child should in- habit that little garret. We were to leave our lodgings on Monday morning ; but on Saturday evening the child was seized with con- vulsions, and all Sunday the mother watched and prayed for it : but it pleased God to take the innocent infant from us, and on Sunday, at midnight, it lay a corpse in its mother's bosom. Amen. We have other children, happy and well, now round about us, and from the father's heart the memory of this little thing has almost faded ; but I do believe that every day of her life the mother thinks of the firstborn that was with her for so short a while : many and io4 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH many a time has she taken her daughters to the grave, in Saint Bride's, where he lies buried; and she wears still at her neck a little little lock of gold hair, which she took from the head of the infant as he lay smiling in his coffin. It has happened to me to forget the child's birthday, but to her never; and often in the midst of common talk comes something that shows she is thinking of the child still, — some simple allusion that is to me inexpressibly affecting. I shall not try to describe her grief, for such things are sacred and secret ; and a man has no business to place them on paper for all the world to read. Nor should I have mentioned the child's loss at all, but that even that loss was the means of a great worldly blessing to us ; as my wife has often with tears and thanks acknowledged. While my wife was weeping over her child, I am ashamed to say I was distracted with other feelings besides those of grief for its loss; and I have often since thought what a master — nay, destroyer — of the affections want is, and have learned from expe- rience to be thankful for daily bread. That acknowledgment of weakness which we make in imploring to be relieved from hunger and from temptation, is surely wisely put in our daily prayer. Think of it, you who are rich, and take heed how you turn a beggar away. The child lay there in its wicker cradle, with its sweet fixed smile in its face (I think the angels in heaven must have been glad to welcome that pretty innocent smile) ; and it was only the next day, after my wife had gone to lie down, and I sat keeping watch by it, that I remembered the condition of its parents, and thought, I can't tell with what a pang, that I had not money left to bury the little thing, and wept bitter tears of despair. Now, at last, I thought I must apply to my poor mother, for this was a sacred necessity ; and I took paper, and wrote her a letter at the baby's side, and told her of our condition. But, thank Heaven ! I never sent the letter ; for as I went to the desk to get sealing-wax and seal that dismal letter, my eyes fell upon the diamond-pin that I had quite forgotten, and that was lying in the drawer of the desk. I looked into the bedroom, — my poor wife was asleep ; she had been watching for three nights and days, and had fallen asleep from sheer fatigue ; and I ran out to a pawnbroker's with the diamond, and received seven guineas for it, and coming back, put the money into the landlady's hand, and told her to get what was needful. My wife was still asleep when I came back ; and when she woke, we per- suaded her to go downstairs to the landlady's parlour; and mean- while the necessary preparations were made, and the poor child consigned to its coffin. AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 105 The next day, after all was over, Mrs. Stokes gave me back three out of the seven guineas ; and then I could not help sobbing out to her my doubts and wretchedness, telling her that this was the last money I had ; and when that was gone I knew not what was to become of the best wife that ever a man was blest with. My wife was downstairs with the woman. Poor Gus, who was with me, and quite as much affected as any of the party, took me by the arm, and led me downstairs ; and we quite forgot all about the prison and the rules, and walked a long long way across Blackfriars Bridge, the kind fellow striving as much as possible to console me. When we came back, it was in the evening. The first person who met me in the house was my kind mother, who fell into my arms with many tears, and who rebuked me tenderly for not having told her of my necessities. She never should have known of them, she said ; but she had not heard from me since I wrote announcing the birth of the child, and she felt uneasy about my silence ; and meeting Mr. Smithers in the street, asked from him news concerning me : whereupon that gentleman, with, some little show of alarm, told her that he thought her daughter-in-law was confined in an uncomfort- able place ; that Mrs. Hoggarty had left us ; finally, that I was in prison. This news at once despatched my poor mother on her travels, and she had only just come from the prison, where she learned my address. I asked her whether she had seen my wife, and how she found her. Rather to my amaze she said that Mary was out with the landlady when she arrived ; and eight — nine o'clock came, and she was absent still. At ten o'clock returned — not my wife, but Mrs. Stokes, and with her a gentleman, who shook hands with me on coming into the room, and said, " Mr. Titmarsh, I don't know whether you will remember me : my name is Tiptoff. I have brought you a note from Mrs. Titmarsh, and a message from my wife, who sincerely commiserates your loss, and begs you will not be uneasy at Mrs. Titmarsh 's absence. She has been good enough to promise to pass the night with Lady Tiptoff; and I am sure you will not object to her being away from you, while she is giving happiness to a sick mother and a sick child." After a few more words, my Lord left us. My wife's note only said that Mrs. Stokes would tell me all. CHAPTER XIII IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT A GOOD WIFE IS THE BEST DIAMOND A MAN CAN WEAR IN HIS BOSOM MRS. TITMARSH, ma'am," says Mrs. Stokes, "before I gratify your curiosity, ma'am, permit me to observe that angels is scarce ; and it's rare to have one, much more two, in a family. Both your son and your daughter-in-law, ma'am, are of that uncommon sort ; they are, now, reely, ma'am." My mother said she thanked God for both of us ; and Mrs. Stokes proceeded : — "When the fu when the seminary, ma'am, was concluded this morning, your poor daughter-in-law was glad to take snelter in my humble parlour, ma'am ; where she wept, and told a thousand stories of the little cherub that's gone. Heaven bless us I it was here but a month, and no one could have thought it could have done such a many things in that time. But a mother's eyes are clear, ma'am; and I had just such another angel, my dear little Antony, that was born- before Jemima, and would have been twenty- three now were he in this wicked world, ma'am. However, I won't speak of him, ma'am, but of what took place. " You must know, ina'am, that Mrs. Titmarsh remained down- stairs while Mr. Samuel was talking with his friend Mr. Hoskins ; and the poor thing would not touch a bit of dinner, though we had it made comfortable ; and after dinner, it was with difficulty I could get her to sup a little drop of wine-and-water, and dip a toast in it. It was the first morsel that had passed her lips for many a long hour, ma'am. " Well, she would not speak, and I thought it best not to inter- rupt her; but she sat and looked at my two youngest that were playing on the rug; and just as Mr. Titmarsh and his friend Gus went out, the boy brought the newspaper, ma'am, — it always comes from three to four, and I began a-reading of it. But I couldn't read much, for thinking of poor Mr. Sam's sad face as he went out, and the sad story he told me about his money being so low ; and every now and then I stopped reading, and bade Mrs. T. not to take on so : and told her some stories about my dear little Antony. AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 107 " ' Ah ! ' says she, sobbing, and looking at the young ones, ' you have other children, Mrs. Stokes; but that — that was my only one;' and she flung back in her chair, and cried fit to break her heart : and I knew that the cry would do her good, and so went back to my paper — the Morning Post, ma'am ; I always read it, for I like to know what's a-going on in the West End. " The very first thing that my eyes lighted upon was this : — * Wanted, immediately, a respectable person as wet-nurse. Apply at No. — Grosvenor Square.' ' Bless us and save us ! ' says I, ' here's poor Lady Tiptoff ill ; ' for I knew her Ladyship's address, and how she was confined on the very same day with Mrs. T. : and, for the matter of that, her Ladyship knows my address, having visited here. " A sudden thought came over me. ' My dear Mrs. Titmarsh,' said I, * you know how poor and how good your husband is 1 ' " ' Yes,' says she, rather surprised. "'Well, my dear,' says I, looking her hard in the face, 'Lady Tiptoff, who knows him, wants a nurse for her son, Lord Poynings. Will you be a brave woman, and look for the place, and mayhap replace the little one that God has taken from you 1 ' " She began to tremble and blush ; and then I told her what you, Mr. Sam, had told me the other day about your money matters ; and no sooner did she hear it than she sprung to her bonnet, and said, * Come, come : ' and in five minutes she had me by the arm, and we walked together to Grosvenor Square. The air did her no harm. Mr. Sam, and during the whole of the walk she never cried but once, and then it was at seeing a nursery-maid in the Square. " A great fellow in livery opens the door, and says, ' You're the forty-fifth as come about this 'ere place ; but, fust, let me ask you a preliminary question. Are you a Hirishwoman 1 ' " No, sir,' says Mrs. T. " ' That suffishnt, mem,' says the gentleman in plush ; 'I see you're not by your axnt. Step this way, ladies, if you please. You'll find some more candidix for the place upstairs ; but I sent away forty-four happlicants, because they was Hirish.' "We were taken upstairs over very soft carpets, and brought into a room, and told by an old lady who was there to speak very softly, for my Lady was only two rooms off. And when I asked how the baby and her Ladyship were, the old lady told me both were pretty well : only the doctor said Lady Tiptoff was too delicate to nurse any longer ; and so it was considered necessary to have a wet-nurse. "There was another young woman in the room — a tall fine io8 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH woman as ever you saw — that looked very angry and contempshious at Mrs. T. and me, and said, ' I've brought a letter from the duchess whose daughter I nust; and I think, Mrs. Blenkinsop, mem, my Lady Tiptoff may look far before she finds such another nuss as me. Five feet six high, had the smallpox, married to a corporal in the Lifeguards, perfectly healthy, best of charactiers, only drink water ; and as for the child, ma'am, if her Ladyship had six, I've a plenty for them all.' " As the woman was making this speech, a little gentleman in black came in from the next room, treading as if on velvet. The woman got up, and made him a low curtsey, and folding her arms on her great broad chest, repeated the speech she had made before. Mrs. T. did not get up from her chair, but only made a sort of a bow; which, to be sure, I thought was ill manners, as this gentle- man was evidently the apothecary. He looked hard at her and said, ' Well, my good woman, and are you come about the place too 2 ' " ' Yes, sir,' says she, blushing. "'You seem very delicate. How old is your child1? How many have you had ? What character have you 1 ' " Your wife didn't answer a word ; so I stepped up, and said, ' Sir/ says I, ' this lady has just lost her first child, and isn't used to look for places, being the daughter of a captain in the navy ; so you'll excuse her want of manners in not getting up when you came in.' " The doctor at this sat down and began talking very kindly to her ; he said he was afraid that her application would be unsuc- cessful, as Mrs. Homer came very strongly recommended from the Duchess of Doncaster, whose relative Lady Tiptoff was ; and pre- sently my Lady appeared, looking very pretty, ma'am, in an elegant lace-cap and a sweet muslin robe-de-sham. " A nurse came out of her Ladyship's room with her ; and while my Lady was talking to us, walked up and down in the next room with something in her arms. " First, my Lady spoke to Mrs. Homer, and then to Mrs. T. ; but all the while she was talking, Mrs. Titmarsh, rather rudely, as I thought, ma'am, was looking into the next room : looking — looking at the baby there with all her might. My Lady asked her her name, and if she had any character; and as she did not speak, I spoke up for her, and said she was the wife of one of the best men in the world; that her Ladyship knew the gentleman, too, and had brought him a haunch of venison. Then Lady Tiptoff looked up quite astonished, and I told the whole story : how you had been head clerk, and that rascal, Brough, had brought you to ruin. 4 Poor thing ! ' said my Lady : Mrs. Titmarsh did not speak, AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 109 but still kept looking at the baby ; and the great big grenadier of a Mrs. Horner looked angrily at her. " * Poor thing ! ' says my Lady, taking Mrs. T.'s hand very kind, ' she seems very young. How old are you, my dear 1 ' " * Five weeks and two days ! ' says your wife, sobbing. " Mrs. Horner burst into a laugh ; but there was a tear in my Lady's eyes, for she knew what the poor thing was a-thinking of. " ' Silence, woman ! ' says she angrily to the great grenadier woman ; and at this moment the child in the next room began crying. "As soon as your wife heard the noise, she sprung from her chair and made a step forward, and put both her hands to her breast and said, ' The child — the child — give it me ! ' and then began to cry again. " My Lady looked at her for a moment, and then ran into the next room and brought her the baby ; and the baby clung to her as if he knew her : and a pretty sight it was to see that dear woman with the child at her bosom. " When my Lady saw it, what do you think she did 1 After looking on it for a bit, she put her arms round your wife's neck and kissed her. " ' My dear,' said she, ' I am sure you are as good as you are pretty, and you shall keep the child : and I thank God for sending you to me ! ' " These were her very words ; and Dr. Bland, who was standing by, says, l It's a second judgment of Solomon ! ' " ' I suppose, my Lady, you don't want me ? ' says the big woman, with another curtsey. " ' Not in the least ! ' answers my Lady haughtily, and the grenadier left the room : and then I told all your story at full length, and Mrs. Blenkinsop kept me to tea, and I saw the beautiful room that Mrs. Titmarsh is to have next to Lady Tiptoff 's ; and when my Lord came home, what does he do but insist upon coming back with me here in a hackney-coach, as he said he must apologise to you for keeping your wife away." I could not help, in my own mind, connecting this strange event which, in the midst of our sorrow, came to console us, and in our poverty to give us bread, — I could not help connecting it with the diamond-pin, and fancying that the disappearance of that ornament had somehow brought a different and a better sort of luck into my family. And though some gents who read this, may call me a poor- spirited fellow for allowing my wife to go out to service, who was bred a lady and ought to have servants herself : yet, for my part, I confess I did not feel one minute's scruple or mortification on the no THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH subject. If you love a person, is it not a pleasure to feel obliged to him 1 And this, in consequence, I felt. I was proud and happy at being able to think that my dear wife should be able to labour and earn bread for me, now misfortune had put it out of my power to support me and her. And now, instead of making any reflections of my own upon prison discipline, I will recommend the reader to consult that admirable chapter in the Life of Mr. Pickwick in which the same theme is handled, and which shows how silly it is to deprive honest men of the means of labour just at the moment when they most want it. What could I do? There were one or two gents in the prison who could work (literary gents, — one wrote his "Travels in Mesopotamia," and the other his "Sketches at Almack's," in the place) ; but all the occupation I could find was walking down Bridge Street, and then up Bridge Street, and staring at Alderman Waithman's windows, and then at the black man who swept the crossing. I never gave him anything ; but I envied him his trade and his broom, and the money that continually fell into his old hat. But I was not allowed even to carry a broom. Twice or thrice — for Lady Tiptoff did not wish her little boy often to breathe the air of such a close place as Salisbury Square — my dear Mary came in the thundering carriage to see me. They were merry meetings ; and — if the truth must be told — twice, when nobody was by, I jumped into the carriage and had a drive with her ; and when I had seen her home, jumped into another hackney- coach and drove back. But this was only twice ; for the system was dangerous, and it might bring me into trouble, and it cost three shillings from Grosvenor Square to Ludgate Hill, Here meanwhile, my good mother kept me company; and what should we read of one day but the marriage of Mrs. Hoggarty and the Rev. Grimes Wapshot ! My mother, who never loved Mrs. H., now said that she should repent all her life having allowed me to spend so much of my time with that odious ungrateful woman ; and added that she and I too were justly punished for worshipping the mammon of unrighteousness and forgetting our natural feelings for the sake of my aunt's paltry lucre. " Well, Amen ! " said I. " This is the end of all our fine schemes ! My aunt's money and my aunt's diamond were the causes of my ruin, and now they are clear gone, thank Heaven ! and I hope the old lady will be happy ; and I must say I don't envy the Rev. Grimes Wapshot." So we put Mrs. Hoggarty out of our thoughts, and made ourselves as comfortable as might be. Rich and great people are slower in making Christians of their children than we poor ones, and little Lord Poynings was not christened until the month of June. A duke was one godfather, AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND in and Mr. Edmund Preston, the State Secretary, another; and that kind Lady Jane Preston, whom I have before spoken of, was the godmother to her nephew. She had not long been made acquainted with my wife's history; and both she and her sister loved her heartily and were very kind to her. Indeed, there was not a single soul in the house, high or low, but was fond of that good sweet creature ; and the very footmen were as ready to serve her as they were their own mistress. "I tell you what, sir," says one of them. "You see, Tit, my boy, I'm a connyshure, and up to snough; and if ever I see a lady in my life, Mrs. Titmarsh is one. I can't be fimiliar with her— I've tried -" " Have you, sir 1 " said I. " Don't look so indignant ! I can't, I say, be fimiliar with her as I am with you. There's a somethink in her, a jennysquaw, that haws me, sir ! and even my Lord's own man, that 'as 'ad as much success as any gentleman in Europe — he says that, cuss him » " Mr. Charles," says I, " tell my Lord's own man that, if he wants to keep his place and his whole skin, he will never address a single word to that lady but such as a servant should utter in the presence of his mistress ; and take notice that I am a gentle- man, though a poor one, and will murder the first man who does her wrong ! " Mr. Charles only said " Gammin ! " to this : but psha ! in bragging about my own spirit, I forgot to say what great good- fortune my dear wife's conduct procured for me. On the christening-day, Mr. Preston offered her first a five, acd then a twenty-pound note; but she declined either; but she did not decline a present that the two ladies made her together, and this was no other than my release from the Fleet. Lord Tiptoff 's lawyer paid every one of the bills against me, and that happy christening-day made me a free man. Ah ! who shall tell the pleasure of that day, or the merry dinner we had in Mary's room at Lord Tiptoff's house, when my Lord and my Lady came upstairs to shake hands with me ! "I have been speaking to Mr. Preston," says my Lord, "the gentleman with whom you had the memorable quarrel, and he has forgiven it, although he was in the wrong, and promises to do something for you. We are going down, meanwhile, to his house at Richmond; and be sure, Mr. Titmarsh, I will not fail to keep you in his mind." "Mrs. Titmarsh will do that," says my Lady; "for Edmund is woefully smitten with her ! " And Mary blushed, and I laughed, iiz THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH and we were all very happy: and sure enough there came from Richmond a letter to me, stating that I was appointed fourth clerk in the Tape and Sealing-wax Office, with a salary of .£80 per annum. Here perhaps my story ought to stop ; for I was happy at last, and have never since, thank Heaven ! known want : but Gus insists that I should add how I gave up the place in the Tape and Sealing-wax Office, and for what reason. That excellent Lady Jane Preston is long gone, and so is Mr. P off in an apoplexy, and there is no harm now in telling the story. The fact was, that Mr. Preston had fallen in love with Mary in a much more serious way than any of us imagined; for I do believe he invited his brother-in-law to Richmond for no other purpose than to pay court to his son's nurse. And one day, as I was coming post-haste to thank him for the place he had procured for me, being directed by Mr. Charles to the "scrubbery," as he called it, which led down to the river — there, sure enough, I found Mr. Preston, on his knees too, on the gravel-walk, and before him Mary, holding the little lord. " Dearest creature ! " says Mr. Preston, " do but listen to me, and I'll make your husband consul at Timbuctoo ! He shall never know of it, I tell you : he can never know of it. I pledge you my word as a Cabinet Minister ! Oh, don't look at me in that arch way : by heavens, your eyes kill me ! " Mary, when she saw me, burst out laughing, and ran down the lawn ; my Lord making a huge crowing, too, and holding out his little fat hands. Mr. Preston, who was a heavy man, was slowly getting up, when, catching a sight of me looking as fierce as the crater of Mount Etna, — he gave a start back and lost his footing, and rolled over and over, walloping into the water at the garden's edge. It was not deep, and he came bubbling and snorting out again in as much fright as fury. "You d — d ungrateful villain!" says he, "what do you stand there laughing for 1 " "I'm waiting your orders for Timbuctoo, sir," says I, and laughed fit to die ; and so did my Lord Tiptoff and his party, who joined us on the lawn : and Jeames the footman came forward and helped Mr. Preston out of the water. c; Oh, you old sinner ! " says my Lord, as his brother-in-law came* up the slope. " Will that heart of yours be always so susceptible, you romantic, apoplectic, immoral man 1 " Mr. Preston went away, looking blue with rage, and ill-treated his wife for a whole month afterwards. " At any rate," says my Lord, " Titmarsh here ha,s got a place AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 113 through our friend's unhappy attachment ; and Mrs. Titmarsh has only laughed at him, so there is no harm there. It's an ill wind that blows nobody good, you know." " Such a wind as that, my Lord, with due respect to you, shall never do good to me. I have learned in the past few years what it is to make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness; and that out of such friendship no good comes in the end to honest men. It shall never be said that Sam Titmarsh got a place because a great man was in love with his wife ; and were the situation ten times as valuable, I should blush every day I entered the office- doors in thinking of the base means by which my fortune was made. You have made me free, my Lord ; and, thank God ! I am willing to work. I can easily get a clerkship with the assistance of my friends; and with that and my wife's income, we can manage honestly to face the world." This rather long speech I made with some animation ; for, look you, I was not over well pleased that his Lordship should think me capable of speculating in any way on my wife's beauty. My Lord at first turned red, and looked rather angry ; but at last he held out his hand and said, "You are right, Titmarsh, and I am wrong ; and let me tell you in confidence, that I think you are a very honest fellow. You shan't lose by your honesty, I promise you." Nor did I : for I am at this present moment Lord Tiptoff s steward and right-hand man : and am I not a happy father 1 and is not my wife loved and respected by all the country 1 and is not Gus Hoskins my brother-in-law, partner with his excellent father in the leather way, and the delight of all his nephews and nieces for his tricks and fun ? As for Mr. Brough, that gentleman's history would fill a volume of itself. Since he vanished from the London world, he has become celebrated on the Continent, where he has acted a thousand parts, and met all sorts of changes of high and low fortune. One thing we may at least admire in the man, and that is, his undaunted courage; and I can't help thinking, as I have said before, that there must be some good in him, seeing the way in which his family are faithful to him. With respect to Roundhand, I had best also speak tenderly. The case of Roundhand v. Tidd is still in the memory of the public ; nor can I ever understand how Bill Tidd, so poetic as he was, could ever take on with such a fat, odious, vulgar woman as Mrs. R., who was old enough to be his mother. As soon as we were in prosperity, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes Wapshot made overtures to be reconciled to us ; and Mr. Wapshot laid bare to me all the baseness of Mr. Smithers's conduct in the Brough n4 THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH transaction. Smithers had also endeavoured to pay his court to me, once when I went down to Somersetshire ; but I cut his pre- tensions short, as I have shown. "He it was," said Mr. Wapshot, " who induced Mrs. Grimes (Mrs. Hoggarty she was then) to pur- chase the West Diddlesex shares : receiving, of course, a large bonus for himself. But directly he found that Mrs. Hoggarty had fallen into the hands of Mr. Brough, and that he should lose the income he made from the lawsuits with her tenants and from the manage- ment of her landed property, he determined to rescue her from that villain Brough, and came to town for the purpose. He also," added Mr. Wapshot, "vented his malignant slander against me; but Heaven was pleased to frustrate his base schemes. In the pro- ceedings consequent on Brough's bankruptcy, Mr. Smithers could not appear ; for his own share in the transactions of the Company would have been most certainly shown up. During his absence from London, I became the husband — the happy husband — of your aunt. But though, my dear sir, I have been the means of bringing her to grace, I cannot disguise from you that Mrs. W. has faults which all my pastoral care has not enabled me to eradicate. She is close of her money, sir — very close; nor can I make that charitable use of her property which, as a clergyman, I ought to do ; for she has tied up every shilling of it, and only allows me half-a-crown a week for pocket-money. In temper, too, she is very violent. During the first years of our union, I strove with her ; yea, I chastised her ; but her perseverance, I must confess, got the better of me. I make no more remonstrances, but am as a lamb in her hands, and she leads me whithersoever she pleases." Mr. Wapshot concluded his tale by borrowing half-a-crown from me (it was at the Somerset Coffee-house in the Strand, where he came, in the year 1832, to wait upon me), and I saw him go from thence into the gin-shop opposite, and come out of the gin-shop half-an-hour afterwards, reeling across the streets, and perfectly intoxicated. He died next year : when his widow, who called herself Mrs. Hoggarty-Grimes-Wapshot, of Castle Hoggarty, said that over the grave of her saint all earthly resentments were forgotten, and pro- posed to come and live with us ; paying us, of course, a handsome remuneration. But this offer my wife and I respectfully declined ; and once more she altered her will, which once more she had made in our favour ; called us ungrateful wretches and pampered menials, and left all her property to the Irish Hoggarties. But seeing my wife one day in a carriage with Lady Tiptoff, and hearing that we had been at the great ball at Tiptoff Castle, and that I had grown to be a rich man, she changed her mind again, sent for me on her AND THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND 115 death-bed, and left me the farms of Slopperton and Squashtail, with all her savings for fifteen years. Peace be to her soul ! for certainly she left me a very pretty property. Though I am no literary man myself, my cousin Michael (who generally, when he is short of coin, comes down and passes a few months with us) says that my Memoirs may be of some use to the public (meaning, I suspect, to himself) ; and if so, I am glad to serve him and them, and hereby take farewell : bidding all gents who peruse this, to be cautious of their money, if they have it ; to be still more cautious of their friends' money; to remember that great profits imply great risks ; and that the great shrewd capitalists of this country would not be content with four per cent, for their money, if they could securely get more : above all, I entreat them never to embark in any speculation, of which the conduct is not perfectly clear to them, and of which the agents are not perfectly open and loyal. THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF MAJOR GAHAGAN CHAPTER I "TRUTH IS STRANGE, STRANGER THAN FICTION" I THINK it but right that in making my appearance before the public I should at once acquaint them with my titles and name. My card, as I leave it at the houses of the nobility, my friends, is as follows : — MAJOR GOLIAH O'GRADY GAHAGAN, H.E.I.C.S., Commanding Battalion of Irregular Horse, AHMEDNUGGAR. Seeing, I say, this simple visiting ticket, the world will avoid any of those awkward mistakes as to my person, which have been so frequent of late. There has been no end to the blunders regarding this humble title of mine, and the confusion thereby created. When I published my volume of poems, for instance, the Morning Post newspaper remarked "that the Lyrics of the Heart, by Miss Gahagan, may be ranked among the sweetest flowrets of the present spring season." The Quarterly Review, commenting upon my " Observations on the Pons Asinorum " (4to, London, 1836), called me " Doctor Gahagan," and so on. It was time to put an end to these mistakes, and I have taken the above simple remedy. 120 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF I was urged to it by a very exalted personage. Dining in August last at the palace of the T — 1-r-es at Paris, the lovely young Duch-ss of Orl — ns (who, though she does not speak English, understands it as well as I do), said to me in the softest Teutonic, " Lieber Herr Major, haben sie den Ahmednuggarischen- jager-battalion gelassen1?" "Warum denn?" said I, quite aston- ished at her R — 1 H ss's question. The P — cess then spoke of some trifle from my pen, which was simply signed Goliah Gahagan. There was, unluckily, a dead silence as H.R.H. put this question. " Comment done ? " said H.M. Lo-is Ph-l-ppe, looking gravely at Count Mold ; " le cher Major a quitte* I'arme'e ! Nicolas done sera maitre de 1'Inde ! " H. M— - and the Pr. M-n-ster pursued their conversation in a low tone, and left me, as may be imagined, in a dreadful state of confusion. I blushed and stuttered, and murmured out a few incoherent words to explain — but it would not do — I could not recover my equanimity during the course of the dinner; and while endeavouring to help an English Duke, my neighbour, to poulet a VAusterlitz, fairly sent seven mushrooms and three large greasy croutes over his whiskers and shirt-frill. Another laugh at my expense. " Ah ! M. le Major," said the Q of the B-lg — ns archly, " vous n'aurez jamais votre brevet de Colonel" Her M y's joke will be better understood when I state that his Grace is the brother of a Minister. I am not at liberty to violate the sanctity of private life, by mentioning the names of the parties concerned in this little anecdote. I only wish to have it understood that I am a gentleman, and live at least in decent society. Verbum sat. But to be serious. I am obliged always to write the name of Goliah in full, to distinguish me from my brother, Gregory Gahagan, who was also a Major (in the King's service), and whom I killed in a duel, as the public most likely knows. Poor Greg ! a very trivial dispute was the cause of our quarrel, which never would have originated but for the similarity of our names. The circum- stance was this : I had been lucky enough to render the Nawaub of Lucknow some trifling service (in the notorious affair of Choprasjee Muckjee), and his Highness sent down a gold toothpick-case directed to Captain G. Gahagan, which I of course thought was for me : my brother madly claimed it ; we fought, and the consequence was, that in about three minutes he received a slash in the right side (cut 6), which effectually did his business : — he was a good swordsman enough — I was THE BEST in the universe. The most ridiculous part of the affair is, that the toothpick-case was his, after all — he MAJOR GAHAGAN 121 had left it on the Nawaub's table at tiffin. I can't conceive what madness prompted him to fight about such a paltry bauble ; he had much better have yielded it at once, when he saw I was determined to have it. From this slight specimen of my adventures, the reader will perceive that my life has been one of no ordinary interest; and, in fact, I may say that I have led a more remarkable life than any man in the service — I have been at more pitched battles, led more forlorn hopes, had more success among the fair sex, drunk harder, read more, been a handsomer man than any officer now serving Her Majesty. When I first went to India in 1802, I was a raw cornet of seventeen, with blazing red hair, six feet four in height, athletic at all kinds of exercises, owing money to my tailor and everybody else who would trust me, possessing an Irish brogue, and my full pay of .£120 a year. I need not say that with all these advantages I did that which a number of clever fellows have done before me — I fell in love, and proposed to marry immediately. But how to overcome the difficulty 1 — It is true that I loved Julia Jowler— loved her to madness ; but her father intended her for a Member of Council at least, and not for a beggarly Irish ensign. It was, however, my fate to make the passage to India (on board of the Samuel Snob East Indiaman, Captain Duffy) with this lovely creature, and my misfortune instantaneously to fall in love with her. We were not out of the Channel before I adored her, worshipped the deck which she trod upon, kissed a thousand times the cuddy-chair on which she used to sit. The same madness fell on every man in the ship. The two mates fought about her at the Cape ; the surgeon, a sober pious Scotchman, from disappointed affection, took so dreadfully to drinking as to threaten spontaneous combustion ; and old Colonel Lilywhite, carrying his wife and seven daughters to Bengal, swore that he would have a divorce from Mrs. L., and made an attempt at suicide ; the captain himself told me, with tears in his eyes, that he hated his hitherto adored Mrs. Duffy, although he had had nineteen children by her. We used to call her the witch — there was magic in her beauty and in her voice. I was spell-bound when I looked at her, and stark staring mad when she looked at me ! 0 lustrous black eyes ! — 0 glossy night-black ringlets ! — 0 lips ! — 0 dainty frocks of white muslin ! — 0 tiny kid slippers ! — though old and gouty, Gahagan sees you still ! I recollect, off Ascension, she looked at me in her parti- cular way one day at dinner, just as I happened to be blowing on a piece of scalding hot green fat. I was stupefied at once — I thrust the entire morsel (about half a pound) into my mouth. I made no attempt to swallow, or to masticate it, but left it there for many minutes, burning, burning ! I had no skin to my palate for seven 122 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF weeks after, and lived on rice water during the rest of the voyage. The anecdote is trivial, but it shows the power of Julia Jowler over me. The writers of marine novels have so exhausted the subject of storms, shipwrecks, mutinies, engagements, sea-sickness, and so forth, that (although I have experienced each of these in many varieties) I think it quite unnecessary to recount such trifling adventures; suffice it to say, that during our five months' trajet, my mad passion for Julia daily increased ; so did the captain's and the surgeon's ; so did Colonel Lilywhite's ; so did the doctor's, the mate's — that of most part of the passengers, and a considerable number of the crew. For myself, I swore — ensign as I was — I would win her for my wife ; I, vowed that I would make her glorious with my sword — that as soon as I had made a favourable impression on my commanding officer (which I did not doubt to create), I would lay open to him the state of my affections, and demand his daughter's hand. With such sentimental outpourings did our voyage continue and conclude. We landed at the Sunderbunds on a grilling hot day in December 1802, and then for the moment Julia and I separated. She was carried off to her papa's arms in a palankeen, surrounded by at least forty hookahbadars ; whilst the poor cornet, attended but by two dandies and a solitary beasty (by which unnatural name these blackamoors are called), made his way humbly to join the regiment at headquarters. The — th Regiment of Bengal Cavalry, then under the command of Lieut. -Colonel Julius Jowler, C.B., was known throughout Asia and Europe by the proud title of the Bundelcund Invincibles — so great was its character for bravery, so remarkable were its services in that delightful district of India. Major Sir George Gutch was next in command, and Tom Thrupp, as kind a fellow as ever ran a Mahratta through the body, was second Major. We were on the eve of that remarkable war which was speedily to spread throughout the whole of India, to call forth the valour of a Wellesley, and the indomitable gallantry of a Gahagan ; which was illustrated by our victories at Ahmednuggar (where I was the first over the barricade at the storming of the Pettah) ; at Argaum, where I slew with my own sword twenty-three matchlock-men, and cut a dromedary in two; and by that terrible day of Assaye, where Wellesley would have been beaten but for me — me alone : I headed nineteen charges of cavalry, took (aided by only four men of my own troop) seventeen field-pieces, killing the scoundrelly French artillerymen; on that day I had eleven elephants shot under me, and carried away Scindiah's nose-ring with a pistol-ball. Wellesley is a Duke and a Marshal, MAJOR GAHAGAN 123 I but a simple Major of Irregulars. Such is fortune and war ! But my feelings carry me away from my narrative, which had better proceed with more order. On arriving, I say, at our barracks at Dum Duin, I for the first time put on the beautiful uniform of the Invincibles : a light blue swallow-tailed jacket with silver lace and wings, ornamented with about 3000 sugar-loaf buttons, rhubarb-coloured leather inexpressibles (tights), and red morocco boots with silver spurs and tassels, set off to admiration the handsome persons of the officers of our corps. We wore powder in those days ; and a regulation pigtail of seventeen inches, a brass helmet surrounded by leopard skin, with a bearskin top and a horsetail feather, gave the head a fierce and chivalrous appearance, which is far more easily imagined than described. Attired in this magnificent' costume, I first presented myself before Colonel Jowler. He was habited in a manner precisely similar, but not being more than five feet in height, and weighing at least fifteen stone, the dress he wore did not become him quite so much as slimmer and taller men. Flanked by his tall Majors, Thrupp and Gutch, he looked like a stumpy skittle-ball between two attenuated skittles. The plump little Colonel received me with vast cordiality, and I speedily became a prime favourite with himself and the other officers of the corps. Jowler was the most hospitable of men ; and gratifying my appetite and my love together, I continually partook of his dinners, and feasted on the sweet presence of Julia. I can see now, what I would not and could not perceive in those early days, that this Miss Jowler — on whom I had lavished my first and warmest love, whom I had endowed with all perfection and purity — was no better than a little impudent flirt, who played with my feelings, because during the monotony of a sea voyage she had no other toy to play with ; and who deserted others for me, and me for others, just as her whim or her interest might guide her. She had not been three weeks at headquarters when half the regiment was in love with her. Each and all of the candidates had some favour to boast of, or some encouraging hopes on which to build. It was the scene of the Samuel Snob over again, only heightened in interest by a number of duels. The following list will give the reader a notion of some of them : — 1. Cornet Gahagan . . Ensign Hicks, of the Sappers and Miners. Hicks received a ball in his jaw, and was half choked by a quantity of carroty whisker forced down his throat with the ball. i24 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF 2. Captain Macgillicuddy, Cornet Gahagan. I was run B.N.I. through the body, but the sword passed between the ribs, and in- jured me very slightly. 3. Captain Macgillicuddy, Mr. Mulligatawny, B.C.S., Deputy- B.N.I. Assistant Vice Sub-Controller of the Boggleywollah Indigo grounds, Ramgolly branch. Macgillicuddy should have stuck to sword's play, and he might have come off in his second duel as well as in his first ; as it was, the civilian placed a ball and a part of Mac's gold repeater in his stomach. A remarkable circumstance attended this shot, an account of which I sent home to the " Philosophical Transactions " : the surgeon had extracted the ball, and was going off, thinking that all was well, when the gold repeater struck thirteen in poor Macgilli- cuddy's abdomen. I suppose that the works must have been disarranged in some way by the bullet, for the repeater was one of Barraud's, never known to fail before, and the circumstance occurred at seven o'clock."* I could continue, almost ad infinitum, an account of the wars which this Helen occasioned, but the above three specimens will, I should think, satisfy the peaceful reader. I delight not in scenes of blood, Heaven knows, but I was compelled in the course of a few weeks, and for the sake of this one woman, to fight nine duels myself, and I know that four times as many more took place concerning her. I forgot to say that Jowler's wife was a half-caste woman, who had been born and bred entirely in India, and whom the Colonel had married from the house of her mother, a native. There were some singular rumours abroad regarding this latter lady's history : it was reported that she was the daughter of a native Rajah, and had been carried off by a poor English subaltern in Lord Clive'a time. The young man was killed very soon after, and left his child with its mother. The black Prince forgave his daughter and bequeathed to her a handsome sum of money. I suppose that it was on this account that Jowler married Mrs. J., a creature who * So admirable are the performances of these watches, which will stand in any climate, that I repeatedly heard poor Macgillicuddy relate the following fact. The hours, as it is known, count in Italy from one to twenty-four : the day Mac landed at Naples his repeater rung the Italian hours, from one to tioenty-four ; as soon as he crossed the Alps it only sounded as usual.— a O'G. a MAJOR GAHAGAN 125 had not, I do believe, a Christian name, or a single Christian quality : she was a hideous, bloated, yellow creature, with a beard, black teeth, and red eyes : she was fat, lying, ugly, and stingy — she hated and was hated by all the world, and by her jolly husband as devoutly as by any other. She did not pass a month in the year with him, but spent most of her time with her native friends. I wonder how she could have given birth to so lovely a creature as her daughter. This woman was of course with the Colonel when Julia arrived, and the spice of the devil in her daughter's composition was most carefully nourished and fed by her. If Julia had been a flirt before, she was a downright jilt now ; she set the whole cantonment by the ears ; she made wives jealous and husbands miserable ; she caused all those duels of which I have discoursed already, and yet such was the fascination of THE WITCH that I still thought her an angel. I made court to the nasty mother in order to be near the daughter; and I listened untiringly to Jowler's interminable dull stories, because I was occupied all the time in watching the graceful movements of Miss Julia. But the trumpet of war was soon ringing in our ears ; and on the battle-field Gahagan is a man ! The Bundelcund Invincibles received orders to march, and Jowler, Hector-like, donned his helmet and prepared to part from his Andromache. And now arose his perplexity : what must be done with his daughter, his Julia 1 He knew his wife's peculiarities of living, and did not much care to trust his daughter to her keeping ; but in vain he tried to find her an asylum among the respectable ladies of his regiment. Lady Crutch offered to receive her, but would have nothing to do with Mrs. Jowler ; the surgeon's wife, Mrs. Sawbone, would have neither mother nor daughter : there was no help for it, Julia and her mother must have a house together, and Jowler knew that his wife would fill it with her odious blackamoor friends. I could not, however, go forth satisfied to the campaign until I learned from Julia my fate. I watched twenty opportunities to see her alone, and wandered about the Colonel's bungalow as an informer does about a public-house, marking the incomings and the outgoings of the family, and longing to seize the moment when Miss Jowler, unbiassed by her mother or her papa, might listen, perhaps, to my eloquence, and melt at the tale of my love. But it would not do — old Jowler seemed to have taken all of a sudden to such a fit of domesticity, that there was no finding him out of doors, and his rhubarb-coloured wife (I believe that her skin gave the first idea of our regimental breeches), who before had been gadding ceaselessly abroad, and poking her broad nose into every menage in the cantonment, stopped faithfully at home with her 126 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF spouse. My only chance was to beard the old couple in their den, and ask them at once for their cub. So I called one day at tiffin : — old Jowler was always happy to have my company at this meal ; it amused him, he said, to see me drink Hodgson's pale ale (I drank two hundred and thirty-four dozen the first year I was in Bengal) — and it was no small piece of fun, certainly, to see old Mrs. Jowler attack the currie-bhaut ; — she was exactly the colour of it, as I have had already the honour to remark, and she swallowed the mixture with a gusto which was never equalled, except by my poor friend Dando a propos d'huitres. She consumed the first three platefuls with a fork and spoon, like a Christian; but as she warmed to her work, the old hag would throw away her silver implements, and dragging the dishes towards her, go to work with her hands, flip the rice into her mouth with her fingers, and stow away a quantity of eatables sufficient for a sepoy company. But why do I diverge from the main point of my story 1 Julia, then, Jowler, and Mrs. J., were at luncheon; the dear girl was in the act to sabler a glass of Hodgson as I entered. " How do you do, Mr. Gagin1?" said the old hag leeringly. "Eat a bit o' currie-bhaut," — and she thrust the dish towards me, securing a heap as it passed. " What ! Gagy my boy, how do, how do ? " said the fat Colonel. " What ! run through the body ? — got well again — have some Hodgson — run through your body too ! " — and at this, I may say, coarse joke (alluding to the fact that in these hot climates the ale oozes out as it were from the pores of the skin) old Jowler laughed : a host of swarthy chobdars, kitmatgars, sices, consoinahs, and bobbychies laughed too, as they provided me, un- asked, with the grateful fluid. Swallowing six tumblers of it, I paused nervously for a moment, and then said — " Bobbachy, consomah, ballybaloo hoga." The black ruffians took the hint, and retired. "Colonel and Mrs. Jowler," said I solemnly, "we are alone; and you, Miss Jowler, you are alone too ; that is — I mean — I take this opportunity to — (another glass of ale, if you please) — to ex- press, once for all, before departing on a dangerous campaign "- (Julia turned pale) — "before entering, I say, upon a war which may stretch in the dust my high-raised hopes and me, to express my hopes while life still remains to me, and to declare in the face of heaven, earth, and Colonel Jowler, that I love you, Julia ! " The Colonel, astonished, let fall a steel fork, which stuck quivering for some minutes in the calf of my leg ; but I heeded not the paltry interruption. " Yes, by yon bright heaven," continued I, " I love you, Julia ! I respect my commander, I esteem your excellent and MAJOR GAHAGAN 127 beauteous mother : tell me, before I leave you, if I may hope for a return of my affection. Say that you love me, and I will do such deeds in this coming war, as shall make you proud of the name of your Gahagan." The old woman, as I delivered these touching words, stared, snapped, and ground her teeth, like an enraged monkey. Julia was now red, now white ; the Colonel stretched forward, took the fork out of the calf of my leg, wiped it, and then seized a bundle of letters which I had remarked by his side. " A cornet ! " said he, in a voice choking with emotion ; "a pitiful beggarly Irish cornet aspire to the hand of Julia Jowler ! Gag — Gahagan, are you mad, or laughing at us? Look at these letters, young man — at these letters, I say — one hundred and twenty-four epistles from every part of India (not including one from the Governor-General, and six from his brother, Colonel Wellesley) — one hundred and twenty-four proposals for the hand of Miss Jowler ! Cornet Gahagan," he continued, " I wish to think well of you : you are the bravest, the most modest, and, perhaps, the handsomest man in our corps ; but you have not got a single rupee. You ask me for Julia, and you do not possess even an anna ! " — (Here the old rogue grinned, as if he had made a capital pun.) — " No, no," said he, waxing good-natured ; " Gagy my boy, it is nonsense ! Julia love, retire with your mamma ; this silly young gentleman will remain and smoke a pipe with me." I took one : it was the bitterest chillum I ever smoked in my life. I am not going to give here an account of my military services ; they will appear in my great national autobiography, in forty volumes, which I am now preparing for the press. I was with my regiment in all Wellesley's brilliant campaigns ; then taking dawk, I travelled across the country north-eastward, and had the honour of fighting by the side of Lord Lake at Laswaree, Degg, Furrucka- bad, Futtyghur, and Bhurtpore : but I will not boast of my actions — the military man knows them, MY SOVEREIGN appreciates them. If asked who was the bravest man of the Indian army, there is not an officer belonging to it who would not cry at once, GAHAGAN. The fact is, I was desperate : I cared not for life, deprived of Julia Jowler. With Julia's stony looks ever before my eyes, her father's stern refusal in my ears, I did not care, at the close of the campaign, again to seek her company or to press my suit. We were eighteen months on service, marching and counter-marching, and fighting almost every other day : to the world I did not seem altered ; but 128 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF the world only saw the face, and not the seared and blighted heart within me. My valour, always desperate, now reached to a pitch of cruelty; I tortured my grooms and grass-cutters for the most trifling offence or error, — I never in action spared a man, — I sheared off three hundred and nine heads in the course of that single campaign. Some influence, equally melancholy, seemed to have fallen upon poor old Jowler. About six months after we had left Dum Dum, he received a parcel of letters from Benares (whither his wife had retired with her daughter), and so deeply did they seem to weigh upon his spirits, that he ordered eleven men of his regiment to be flogged within two days; but it was against the blacks that he chiefly turned his wrath. Our fellows, in the heat and hurry of the campaign, were in the habit of dealing rather roughly with their prisoners, to extract treasure from them : they used to pull their nails out by the root, to boil them in kedgeree pots, to flog them and dress their wounds with cayenne pepper, and so on. Jowler, when he heard of these proceedings, which before had always justly exasperated him (he was a humane and kind little man), used now to smile fiercely and say, " D the black scoundrels ! Serve them right, serve them right ! " One day, about a couple of miles in advance of the column, I had been on a foraging-party with a few dragoons, and was returning peaceably to camp, when of a sudden a troop of Mahrattas burst on us from a neighbouring mango-tope, in which they had been hidden : in an instant three of my men's saddles were empty, and I was left with but seven more to make head against at least thirty of these vagabond black horsemen. I never saw in my life a nobler figure than the leader of the troop — mounted on a splendid black Arab ; he was as tall, very nearly, as myself; he wore a steel cap and a shirt of mail, and carried a beautiful French carbine, which had already done execution upon two of my men. I saw that our only chance of safety lay in the destruction of this man. I shouted to him in a voice of thunder (in the Hindustanee tongue of course), " Stop, dog, if you dare, and encounter a man ! " In reply his lance came whirling in the air over my head, and mortally transfixed poor Foggarty of ours, who was behind me. Grinding my teeth and swearing horribly, I drew that scimitar which never yet failed its blow,* and rushed at the Indian. He came down at full gallop, his own sword making ten thousand gleaming circles in the air, shrieking his cry of battle. The contest did not last an instant. With my first blow I cut * In my affair with Macgillicuddy, I was fool enough to go out with small swords : — miserable weapons, only fit for tailors. — G. O'G. G. MAJOR GAHAGAN 129 off his sword-arm at the wrist ; my second I levelled at his head. I said that he wore a steel cap, with a gilt iron spike of six inches, and a hood of chain mail. I rose in my stirrups and delivered " St. George ; " my sword caught the spike exactly on the point, split it sheer in two, cut crashing through the steel cap and hood, and was only stopped by a ruby which he wore in his back-plate. His head, cut clean in two between the eyebrows and nostrils, even between the two front teeth, fell one side on each shoulder, and he galloped on till his horse was stopped by my men, who were not a little amused at the feat. As I had expected, the remaining ruffians fled on seeing their leader's fate. I took home his helmet by way of curiosity, and we made a single prisoner, who was instantly carried before old Jowler. We asked the prisoner the name of the leader of the troop : he said it was Chowder Loll. " Chowder Loll ! " shrieked Colonel Jowler. " 0 Fate ! thy hand is here ! " He rushed wildly into his tent — the next day applied for leave of absence. Gutch took the command of the regiment, and I saw him no more for some time. As I had distinguished myself not a little during the war, General Lake sent me up with despatches to Calcutta, where Lord Wellesley received me with the greatest distinction. Fancy my surprise, on going to a ball at Government House, to meet my old friend Jowler ; my trembling, blushing, thrilling delight, when I saw Julia by his side ! Jowler seemed to blush too when he beheld me. I thought of my former passages with his daughter. " Gagy, my boy," says he, shaking hands, " glad to see you. Old friend, Julia — come to tiffin — Hodgson's pale — brave fellow, Gagy." Julia did not speak, but she turned ashy pale, and fixed upon me her awful eyes ! I fainted almost, and uttered some incoherent words. Julia took my hand, gazed at me still, and said, " Come ! " Need I say I went 1 I will not go over the pale ale and currie-bhaut again ! but this I know, that in half-an-hour I was as much in love as I ever had been : and that in three weeks I — yes, I — was the accepted lover of Julia ! I did not pause to ask where were the one hundred and twenty-four offers ? why I, refused before, should be accepted now ? I only felt that I loved her, and was happy ! One night, one memorable night, I could not sleep, and, with a lover's pardonable passion, wandered solitary through the City of Palaces until I came to the house which contained my Julia. I peeped into the compound — all was still ; I looked into the verandah 3 I 130 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF — all was dark, except a light — yes, one light — and it was in Julia's chamber ! My heart throbbed almost to stifling. I would — I would advance, if but to gaze upon her for a moment, and to bless her as she slept. I did look, I did advance ; and, 0 Heaven ! I saw a lamp burning, Mrs. Jow. in a nightdress, with a very dark baby in her arms, and Julia looking tenderly at an ayah, who was nursing another. " Oh, mamma," said Julia, "what would that fool Gahagan say if he knew all?" " He does know all ! " shouted I, springing forward, and tearing down the tatties from the window. Mrs. Jow. ran shrieking out of the room, Julia fainted, the cursed black children squalled, and their d — d nurse fell on her knees, gabbling some infernal jargon of Hindustanee. Old Jowler at this juncture entered with a candle and a drawn sword. " Liar ! scoundrel ! deceiver ! " shouted I. " Turn, ruffian, and defend yourself ! " But old Jowler, when he saw me, only whistled, looked at his lifeless daughter, and slowly left the room. Why continue the tale ? I need not now account for Jowler's gloom on receiving his letters from Benares — for his exclamation upon the death of the Indian chief — for his desire to marry his daughter : the woman I was wooing was no longer Miss Julia Jowler ; she was Mrs. Chowder Loll ! CHAPTER II ALLYGHUR AND LASWAKEE 1SAT down to write gravely and sadly, for (since the appearance of some of my adventures in a monthly magazine) unprincipled men have endeavoured to rob me of the only good I possess, to question the statements that I make, and, themselves without a spark of honour or good feeling, to steal from me that which is my sole wealth — my character as a teller of THE TKUTH. The reader will understand that it is to the illiberal strictures of a profligate press I now allude ; among the London journalists, none (luckily for themselves) have dared to question the veracity of my statements : they know me, and they know that I am in London. If I can use the pen, I can also wield a more manly and terrible weapon, and would answer their contradictions with my sword ! No gold or gems adorn the hilt of that war-worn scimitar; but there is blood upon the blade — the blood of the enemies of my country, and the maligners of my honest fame. There are others, however — the disgrace of a disgraceful trade — who, borrowing from distance a despicable courage, have ventured to assail me. The infamous editors of the Kelso Champion, the Bungay Beacon, the Tipperary Argus, and the Stoke Pogis Sentinel, and other dastardly organs of the provincial press, have, although differing in politics, agreed upon this one point, and, with a scoundrelly unanimity, vented a flood of abuse upon the revelations made by me. They say that I have assailed private characters, and wilfully perverted history to blacken the reputation of public men. I ask, Was any one of these men in Bengal in the year 1803 ? Was any single conductor of any one of these paltry prints ever in Bundelcund or the Rohilla country 1 Does this exquisite Tipperary scribe know the difference between Hurrygurrybang and Burrumtollah 1 Not he ! and because, forsooth, in those strange and distant lands strange circumstances have taken place, it is insinuated that the relater is a liar : nay, that the very places themselves have no existence but in my imagination. Fools ! — but I will not waste my anger upon them, and proceed to recount some other portions of my personal history. 132 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF It is, I presume, a fact which even these scribbling assassins will not venture to deny, that before the commencement of the campaign against Scindiah, the English General formed a camp at Kanouge on the Jumna, where he exercised that brilliant little army which was speedily to perform such wonders in the Dooab. It will be as well to give a slight account of the causes of a war which was speedily to rage through some of the fairest portions of the Indian continent. Shah Allum, the son of Shah Lollum, the descendant by the female line of Nadir Shah (that celebrated Toorkomaun adventurer, who had well-nigh hurled Bajazet and Selim the Second from the throne of Bagdad) — Shah Allum, I say, although nominally the Emperor of Delhi, was in reality the slave of the various warlike chieftains who lorded it by turns over the country and the sovereign, until conquered and slain by some more successful rebel. Chowder Loll Masolgee, Zubberdust Khan, Dowsunt Row Scindiah, and the celebrated Bobbachy Jung Bahawder, had held for a time complete mastery in Delhi. The second of these, a ruthless Afghan soldier, had abruptly entered the capital ; nor was he ejected from it until he had seized upon the principal jewels, and likewise put out the eyes of the last of the unfortunate family of Afrasiab. Scindiah came to the rescue of the sightless Shah Allum, and though he destroyed his oppressor, only increased his slavery ; holding him in as painful a bondage as he had suffered under the tyrannous Afghan. As long as these heroes were battling among themselves, or as long rather as it appeared that they had any strength to fight a battle, the British Government, ever anxious to see its enemies by the ears, by no means interfered in the contest. But the French Revolution broke out, and a host of starving sans-culottes appeared among the various Indian States, seeking for military service, and inflaming the minds of the various native princes against the British East India Company. A number of these entered into Scindiah's ranks : one of them, Perron, was commander of his army ; and though that chief was as yet quite engaged in his hereditary quarrel with Jeswunt Row Holkar, and never thought of an invasion of the British territory, the Company all of a sudden discovered that Shah Allum, his sovereign, was shamefully ill-used, and determined to re-establish the ancient splendour of his throne. Of course it was sheer benevolence for poor Shah Allum that prompted our governors to take these kindly measures in his favour. I don't know how it happened that, at the end of the war, the poor Shah was not a whit better off' than at the beginning ; and that though Holkar was beaten, and Scindiah annihilated, Shah Allum MAJOR GAHAGAN 133 was much such a puppet as before. Somehow, in the hurry and confusion of this struggle, the oyster remained with the British Government, who had so kindly offered to dress it for the Emperor, while his Majesty was obliged to be contented with the shell. The force encamped at Kanouge bore the title of the Grand Army of the Ganges and the Jumna ; it consisted of eleven regi- ments of cavalry and twelve battalions of infantry, and was com- manded by General Lake in person. Well, on the 1st of September we stormed Perron's camp at Allyghur ; on the 4th we took that fortress by assault ; and as my name was mentioned in general orders, I may as well quote the Commander-in-Chief's words regarding me — they will spare me the trouble of composing my own eulogium : — "The Commander-in-Chief is proud thus publicly to declare his high sense of the gallantry of Lieutenant Gahagan, of the Cavalry. In the storming of the fortress, although unprovided with a single ladder, and accompanied, but by a few brave men, Lieutenant Gahagan succeeded in escalading the inner and fourteenth wall of the place. Fourteen ditches lined with sword-blades and poisoned chevaux-de-frise, fourteen walls bristling with innumerable artillery and as smooth as looking-glasses, were in turn triumphantly passed by that enterprising officer. His course was to be traced by the heaps of slaughtered enemies lying thick upon the platforms ; and alas ! by the corpses of most of the gallant men who followed him ! When at length he effected his lodgment, and the dastardly enemy, who dared not to confront him with arms, let loose upon him the tigers and lions of Scindiah's menagerie, this meritorious officer destroyed, with his own hand, four of the largest and most ferocious animals, and the rest, awed by the indomitable majesty of BRITISH VALOUR, shrank back to their dens. Thomas Higgory, a private, and Runty Goss, havildar, were the only two who remained out of the nine hundred who followed Lieutenant Gahagan. Honour to them ! Honour and tears for the brave men who perished on that awful day ! " I have copied this, word for word, from the Bengal Hurkaru of September 24, 1803 : and anybody who has the slightest doubt as to the statement, may refer to the paper itself. And here I must pause to give thanks to Fortune, whith so marvellously preserved me, Sergeant-Major Higgory, and Runty Goss. Were I to say that any valour of ours had carried us unhurt through this tremendous combat, the reader would laugh me to scorn. No : though my narrative is extraordinary, it is nevertheless 134 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF authentic: and never never would I sacrifice truth for the mere sake of effect. The fact is this : — the citadel of Allyghur is situated upon a rock, about a thousand feet above the level of the sea, and is surrounded by fourteen walls, as his Excellency was good enough to remark in his despatch. A man who would mount these without scaling-ladders is an ass; he who would say he mounted them without such assistance, is a liar and a knave. We had scaling- ladders at the commencement of the assault, although it was quite impossible to carry them beyond the first line of batteries. Mounted on them, however, as our troops were falling thick about me, I saw that we must ignominiously retreat, unless some other help could be found for our brave fellows to escalade the next wall. It was about seventy feet high. I instantly turned the guns of wall A on wall B, and peppered the latter so as to make, not a breach, but a scaling place ; the men mounting in the holes made by the shot. By this simple stratagem, I managed to pass each successive barrier — for to ascend a wall which the General was pleased to call " as smooth as glass " is an absurd impossibility : I seek to achieve none such : — " I dare do all that may become a man ; Who dares do more, is neither more nor less. " Of course, had the enemy's guns been commonly well served, not one of us would ever have been alive out of the three ; but whether it was owing to fright, or to the excessive smoke caused by so many pieces of artillery, arrive we did. On the platforms, too, our work was not quite so difficult as might be imagined— killing these fellows was sheer butchery. As soon as we appeared, they all turned and fled helter-skelter, and the reader may judge of their courage by the fact that out of about seven hundred men killed by us, only forty had wounds in front, the rest being bayoneted as they ran. And beyond all other pieces of good fortune was the very letting out of these tigers ; which was the dernier ressort of Bournonville, the second commandant of the fort. I had observed this man (con- spicuous for a tricoloured scarf which he wore) upon every one of the walls as we stormed them, and running away the very first among the fugitives. He had all the keys of the gates ; and in his tremor, as he opened the menagerie portal, left the whole bunch in the door, which I seized when the animals were overcome. Runty Goss then opened them one by one, our troops entered, and the victorious standard of my country floated on the walls of Allyghur ! When the General, accompanied by his staff, entered the last line of fortifications, the brave old man raised me from the dead rhinoceros on which I was seated, and pressed me to his breast. But the excitement which had borne me through the fatigues and MAJOR GAHAGAN 135 perils of that fearful day failed all of a sudden, and I wept like a child upon his shoulder. Promotion, in our army, goes unluckily by seniority ; nor is it in the power of the General-in-Chief to advance a Caesar, if he finds him in the capacity of a subaltern : my reward for the above exploit was, therefore, not very rich. His Excellency had a favourite horn snuff-box (for, though exalted in station, he was in his habits most simple) : of this, and about a quarter of an ounce of high-dried Welsh, which he always took, he made me a present, saying, in front of the line, " Accept this, Mr. Gahagan, as a token of respect from the first to the bravest officer in the army." Calculating the snuff to be worth a halfpenny, I should say that fourpence was about the value of this gift : but it has at least this good effect — it serves to convince any person who doubts my story, that the facts of it are really true. I have left it at the office of my publisher, along with the extract from the Bengal ffurkaru, and anybody may examine both by applying in the counting-house of Mr. Cunningham.* That once popular expression, or proverb, "Are you up to snuff?" arose out of the above circumstance; for the officers of my corps, none of whom, except myself, had ventured on the storming party, used to twit me about this modest reward for my labours. Never mind ! when they want me to storm a fort again, I shall know better. Well, immediately after the capture of this important fortress, Perron, who had been the life and soul of Scindiah's army, came in to us, with his family and treasure, and was passed over to the French settlements at Chandernagur. Bourquien took his com- mand, and against him we now moved. The morning of the llth of September found us upon the plains of Delhi. It was a burning hot day, and we were all refreshing ourselves after the morning's march, when I, who was on the advanced picket along with O'Gawler, of the King's Dragoons, was made aware of the enemy's neighbourhood in a very singular manner. O'Gawler and I were seated under a little canopy of horse-cloths, which we had formed to shelter us from the intolerable heat of the sun, and were discussing with great delight a few Manilla cheroots, and a stone jar of the most exquisite, cool, weak, refreshing sangaree. We had been playing cards the night before, and O'Gawler had lost to me seven hundred rupees. I emptied the last of the sangaree into the two pint tumblers out of which we were drinking, * The Major certainly offered to leave an old snuff-box at Mr. Cunningham's office ; but it contained no extract from a newspaper, and does not quite prove that he killed a rhinoceros and stormed fourteen entrenchments at the siege of Allyghur. 136 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF and holding mine up, said, "Here's better luck to you next time, O'Gawler ! " As I spoke the words — whish ! — a cannon-ball cut the tumbler clean out of my hand, and plumped into poor O'Gawler's stomach. It settled him completely, and of course I never got my seven hundred rupees. Such are the uncertainties of war ! To strap on my sabre and my accoutrements — to mount my Arab charger — to drink off what O'Gawler had left of the sangaree — and to gallop to the General, was the work of a moment. I found him as comfortably at tiffin as if he were at his own house in London. " General," said I, as soon as I got into his paij amahs (or tent), " you must leave your lunch if you want to fight the enemy." " The enemy — psha ! Mr. Gahagan, the enemy is on the other side of the river." "I can only tell your Excellency that the enemy's guns will hardly carry five miles, and that Cornet O'Gawler was this moment shot dead at my side with a cannon-ball." "Ha! is it so1?" said his Excellency, rising, and laying down the drumstick of a grilled chicken. " Gentlemen, remember that the eyes of Europe are upon us, and follow me ! " Each aide-de-camp started from table and seized his cocked hat ; each British heart beat high at the thoughts of the coming melee. We mounted our horses, and galloped swiftly after the brave old General ; I not the last in the train, upon my famous black charger. It was perfectly true, the enemy were posted in force within three miles of our camp, and from a hillock in the advance to which we galloped, we were enabled with our telescopes to see the whole of his imposing line. Nothing can better describe it than this : — •»•«•««••«••••*•«*•»» •••«••«•••<><>•• ••••••••J — A is the enemy, and the dots represent the hundred and twenty pieces of artillery which defended his line. He was, moreover, entrenched ; and a wide morass in his front gave him an additional security. His Excellency for a moment surveyed the line, and then said turning round to one of his aides-de-camp, " Order up Major-General Tinkler and the cavalry." " Here, does your Excellency mean 1 " said the aide-de-camp, MAJOR GAHAGAN 137 surprised, for the enemy had perceived us, and the cannon-balls were flying about as thick as peas. " Here, sir I " said the old General, stamping with his foot in a passion, and the A.D.C. shrugged his shoulders and galloped away. In five minutes we heard the trumpets in our camp, and in twenty more the greater part of the cavalry had joined us. Up they came, five thousand men, their standards flapping in the air, their long line of polished jack-boots gleaming in the golden sunlight. " And now we are here," said Major-General Sir Theo- philus Tinkler, " what next ? " " Oh, d it," said the Commander- in-Chief, " charge, charge — nothing like charging — galloping— guns — rascally black scoundrels — charge, charge ! " And then turning round to me (perhaps he was glad to change the conversation), he said, c* Lieutenant Gahagan, you will stay with me." And well for him I did, for I do not hesitate to say that the battle was gained by me. I do not mean to insult the reader by pretending that any personal exertions of mine turned the day,— that I killed, for instance, a regiment of cavalry or swallowed a battery of guns, — such absurd tales would disgrace both the hearer and the teller. I, as is well known, never say a single word which cannot be proved, and hate more than all other vices the absurd sin of egotism : I simply mean that my advice to the General, at a quarter-past two o'clock in the afternoon of that day, won this great triumph for the British army. Gleig, Mill, and Thorn have all told the tale of this war, though somehow they have omitted all mention of the hero of it. General Lake, for the victory of that day, became Lord Lake of Laswaree. Laswaree ! and who, forsooth, was the real conqueror of Laswaree 1 I can lay my hand upon my heart and say that / was. If any proof is wanting of the fact, let me give it at once, and from the highest military testimony in the world — I mean that of the Emperor Napoleon. In the month of March 1817, I was passenger on board the Prince Regent, Captain Harris, which touched at St. Helena on its passage from Calcutta to England. In company with the other officers on board the ship, I paid my respects. to the illustrious exile of Longwood, who received us in his garden, where he was walking about, in a nankeen dress and a large broad-brimmed straw hat, with General Montholon, Count Las Casas, and his son Emanuel, then a little boy ; who I dare say does not recollect me, but who nevertheless played with my sword-knot and the tassels of my Hessian boots during the whole of our interview with his Imperial Majesty. Our names were read out (in a pretty accent, by the way !) by 138 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF General Montholon, and the Emperor, as each was pronounced, made a bow to the owner of it, but did not vouchsafe a word. At last Montholon came to mine. The Emperor looked me at once in the face, took his hands out of his pockets, put them behind his back, and coming up to me smiling, pronounced the following words : — "Assaye, Delhi, Deeg, Futtyghur?" I blushed, and, taking off my hat with a bow, said, "Sire, c'est moi." " Parbleu ! je le savais bien," said the Emperor, holding out his snuff-box. " En usez-vous, Major 1 " I took a large pinch (which, with the honour of speaking to so great a man, brought the tears into my eyes), and he continued as nearly as possible in the follow- ing words : — "Sir, you are known; you come of an heroic nation. Your third brother, the Chef de Bataillon, Count Godfrey Gahagan, was in my Irish Brigade." Gahagan. " Sire, it is true. He and my countrymen in your Majesty's service stood under the green flag in the breach of Burgos, and beat Wellington back. It was the only time, as your Majesty knows, that Irishmen and Englishmen were beaten in that war." Napoleon (looking as if he would say, " D your candour, Major Gahagan "). " Well, well ; it was so. Your brother was a Count, and died a General in my service." Gahagan. . " He was found lying upon the bodies of nine-and- twenty Cossacks at Borodino. They were all dead, and bore the Gahagan mark." Napoleon (to Montholon). " C'est vrai, Montholon : je vous donne ma parole d'honneur la plus sacrde, que c'est vrai. Us ne sont pas d'autres, ces terribles Ga'gans. You must know that Monsieur gained the battle of Delhi as certainly as I did that of Austerlitz. In this way : — Ce belttre de Lor Lake, after calling up his cavalry, and placing them in front of Holkar's batteries, qui balayaient la plaine, was for charging the enemy's batteries with his horse, who would have been e'crase's, mitraille's, foudroye's to a man but for the cunning of ce grand rogue que vous voyez." Montholon. " Coquin de Major, va ! " Napoleon. " Montholon ! tais-toi. When Lord Lake, with his great bull-headed English obstinacy, saw the fdcheuse position into which he had brought his troops, he was for dying on the spot, and would infallibly have done so — and the loss of his army would have been the nun of the East India Company — and the ruin of the English East India Company would have established my Empire (bah ! it was a republic then !) in the East — but that the man MAJOR GAHAGAN 139 before us, Lieutenant Goliah Gahagan, was riding at the side of General Lake." Montholon (with an accent of despair and fury). " Gredin ! cent mille tonnerres de Dieu ! " Napoleon (benignantly). " Calme-toi, mon fidele ami. What will you? It was fate. Gahagan, at the critical period of the battle, or rather slaughter (for the English had not slain a man of the enemy), advised a retreat." Montholon. " Le lache ! Un Fra^ais meurt, mais il ne recule jamais." Napoleon. " Stupide ! Don't you see why the retreat was ordered 1 — don't you know that it was a feint on the part of Gahagan to draw Holkar from his impregnable entrenchments'? Don't you know that the ignorant Indian fell into the snare, and issuing from behind the cover of his guns, came down with his cavalry on the plains in pursuit of Lake and his dragoons ? Then it was that the Englishmen turned upon him ; the hardy children of the North swept down his feeble horsemen, bore them back to their guns, which were useless, entered Holkar's entrenchments along with his troops, sabred the artillerymen at their pieces, and won the battle of Delhi ! " As the Emperor spoke, his pale cheek glowed red, his eye flashed fire, his deep clear voice rung as of old when he pointed out the enemy from beneath the shadow of the Pyramids, or rallied his regiments to the charge upon the death-strewn plain of Wagram. I have had many a proud moment in my life, but never such a proud one as this ; and I would readily pardon the word " coward," as applied to me by Montholon, in consideration of the testimony which his master bore in my favour. "Major," said the Emperor to me in conclusion, "why had I not such a man as you in my service ? I would have made you a Prince and a Marshal ! " and here he fell into a reverie, of which I knew and respected the purport. He was thinking, doubtless, that I might have retrieved his fortunes ; and indeed I have very little doubt that I might. Very soon after coffee was brought by Monsieur Marchand, Napoleon's valet-de-chambre, and after partaking of that beverage, and talking upon the politics of the day, the Emperor withdrew, leaving me deeply impressed by the condescension he had shown in this remarkable interview. CHAPTER III A PEEP INTO SPAIN— ACCOUNT OF THE ORIGIN AND SERVICES OF THE AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS HEADQUARTERS, MORELLA : September 15, 1838. 1HAVE been here for some months, along with my young friend Cabrera ; and in the hurry and bustle of war — daily on guard and in the batteries for sixteen hours out of the twenty-four, with fourteen severe wounds and seven musket-balls in my body — it may be imagined that I have had little time to think about the publication of my memoirs. Inter arma silent leges — in the midst of fighting be hanged to writing ! as the poet says ; and I never would have bothered myself with a pen, had not common gratitude incited me to throw off a few pages. Along with Oraa's troops, who have of late been beleaguering this place, there was a young Milesian gentleman, Mr. Toone O'Connor Emmett Fitzgerald Sheeny by name, a law student, and a member of Gray's Inn, and what he called Bay Ah of Trinity College, Dublin. Mr. Sheeny was with the Queen's people, not in a military capacity, but as representative of an English journal ; to which, for a trifling weekly remuneration, lie was in the habit of transmitting accounts of the movements of the belligerents, and his own opinion of the politics of Spain. Receiving, for the discharge of his duty, a couple of guineas a week from the proprietors of the journal in question, he was enabled, as I need scarcely say, to make such a show in Oraa's camp as only a Christino general officer, or at the very least a colonel of a regiment, can afford to keep up. In the famous sortie which we made upon the twenty-third, I was of course among the foremost in the melee, and found myself, after a good deal of slaughtering (which it would be as disagreeable as useless to describe here), in the court of a small inn or podesta, which had been made the headquarters of several Queenite officers during the siege. The pesatero or landlord of the inn had been despatched by my brave chapel-churies, with his fine family of children — the officers quartered in the podesta had of course bolted ; but one man remained, and my fellows were on the point of cutting him into ten thousand pieces with their borachios, when I arrived MAJOR GAHAGAN 141 in the room time enough to prevent the catastrophe. Seeing before me an individual in the costume of a civilian — a white hat, a light- blue satin cravat, embroidered with butterflies and other quadrupeds, a green coat and brass buttons, and a pair of blue plaid trousers, I recognised at once a countryman, and interposed to save his life. In an agonised brogue the unhappy young man was saying all that he could to induce the chapel-churies to give up their intention of slaughtering him ; but it is very little likely that his protesta- tions would have had any effect upon them, had not I appeared in the room, and shouted to the ruffians to hold their hand. Seeing a general officer before them (I have the honour to hold that rank in the service of His Catholic Majesty), and moreover one six feet four in height, and armed with that terrible cabecilla (a sword so called, because it is five feet long) which is so well known among the Spanish armies— seeing, I say, this figure, the fellows retired, exclaiming, "Adios, corpo di bacco nosotros," and so on, clearly proving (by their words) that they would, if they dared, have immolated the victim whom I had thus rescued from their fury. " Villains ! " shouted I, hearing them grumble, " away ! quit the apartment ! " Each man, sulkily sheathing his sombrero, obeyed, and quitted the camarilla. It was then that Mr. Sheeny detailed to me the particulars to which I have briefly adverted ; and, informing me at the same time that he had a family in England who would feel obliged to me for his release, and that his most intimate friend the English Ambassador would move heaven and earth to revenge his fall, he directed my attention to a portmanteau passably well filled, which he hoped would satisfy the cupidity of my troops. I said, though with much regret, that I must subject his person to a search ; and hence arose the circumstance which has called for what I fear you will consider a somewhat tedious explanation. I found upon Mr. Sheeny's person three sovereigns in English money (which I have to this day), and singularly enough a copy of the New Monthly Magazine, containing a portion of my adventures. It was a toss-up whether I should let the poor young man be shot or no, but this little circumstance saved his life. The gratified vanity of author- ship induced me to accept his portmanteau and valuables, and to allow the poor wretch to go free. I put the magazine in my coat- pocket, and left him and the podesta. The men, to my surprise, had quitted the building, and it was full time for me to follow ; for I found our sallying party, after com- mitting dreadful ravages in Oraa's lines, were in full retreat upon the fort, hotly pressed by a superior force of the enemy. I am pretty well known and respected by the men of both parties in H2 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF Spain (indeed I served for some months on the Queen's side before I came over to Don Carlos) ; and, as it is my maxim never to give quarter, I never expect to receive it when taken myself. On issuing from the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau and my sword in my hand, I was a little disgusted and annoyed to see our own men in a pretty good column retreating at double-quick, and about four hundred yards beyond me, up the hill leading to the fort ; while on my left hand, and at only a hundred yards, a troop of the Queenite lancers were clattering along the road. I had got into the very middle of the road before I made this discovery, so that the fellows had a full sight of me, and whizz ! came a bullet by my left whisker before I could say Jack Robinson. I looked round — there were seventy of the accursed malvados at the least, and within, as I said, a hundred yards. Were I to say that I stopped to fight seventy men, you would write me down a fool or a liar : no, sir, I did not fight, I ran away. I am six feet four — my figure is as well known in the Spanish army as that of the Count de Luchana, or my fierce little friend Cabrera himself. " GAHAGAN ! " shouted out half-a-dozen scoundrelly voices, and fifty more shots came rattling after me. I was running — running as the brave stag before the hounds — running as I have done a great number of times before in my life, when there was no help for it but a race. After I had run about five hundred yards, I saw that I had gained nearly three upon our column in front, and that likewise the Christino horsemen were left behind some hundred yards more; with the exception of three, who were fearfully near me. The first was an officer without a lance ; he had fired both his pistols at me, and was twenty yards in advance of his comrades; there was a similar distance between the two lancers who rode behind him. I determined then to wait for No. 1, and as he came up delivered cut 3 at his horse's near leg — off it flew, and down, as I expected, went horse and man. I had hardly time to pass my sword through my prostrate enemy, when No. 2 was upon me. If I could but get that fellow's horse, thought I, I am safe; and I executed at once the plan which I hoped was to effect my rescue. I had, as I said, left the podesta with Sheeny's portmanteau, and, unwilling to part with some of the articles it contained — some shirts, a bottle of whisky, a few cakes of Windsor soap, &c. &c., — I had carried it thus far on my shoulders, but now was compelled to sacrifice it malgre moi. As the lancer came up I dropped my sword from my right hand, and hurled the portmanteau at his head, with aim so true, that he fell back on his saddle like a sack, and thus when the horse galloped up to me, I had no difficulty in dis- MAJOR GAHAGAN 143 mounting the rider : the whisky-bottle struck him over his right eye, and he was completely stunned. To dash him from the saddle and spring myself into it, was the work of a moment ; indeed, the two combats had taken place in about a fifth part of the time which it has taken the reader to peruse the description. But in the rapidity of the last encounter, and the mounting of my enemy's horse, I had committed a very absurd oversight — I was scampering away without my sword! What was I to do1? — to scamper on, to be sure, and trust to the legs of my horse for safety ! The lancer behind me gained on me every moment, and I could hear his horrid laugh as he neared me. I leaned forward jockey- fashion in my saddle, and kicked, and urged, and flogged with my hand, but all in vain. Closer — closer — the point of his lance was within two feet of my back. Ah ! ah ! he delivered the point, and fancy my agony when I felt it enter — through exactly fifty-nine pages of the New Monthly Magazine. Had it not been for that magazine, I should have been impaled without a shadow of a doubt. Was I wrong in feeling gratitude 1 Had I not cause to continue my contributions to that periodical 1 When I got safe into Morella, along with the tail of the sallying party, I was for the first time made acquainted with the ridiculous result of the lancer's thrust (as he delivered his lance, I must tell you that a ball came whizz over my head from our fellows, and entering at his nose, put a stop to his lancing for the future). I hastened to Cabrera's quarter, and related to him some of my adventures during the day. " But, General," said he, " you are standing. I beg you chiudete Vuscio (take a chair)." I did so, and then for the first time was aware that there was some foreign substance in the tail of my coat, which prevented my sitting at ease. I drew out the magazine which I had seized, and there, to my wonder, discovered the Christina lance twisted up like a fish-hook or a pastoral crook. " Ha ! ha ! ha ! " said Cabrera (who is a notorious wag). "Valdepenas madrilenos," growled out Tristany. " By my cachuca di caballero (upon my honour as a gentleman)," shrieked out Ros d'Eroles, convulsed with laughter, " I will send it to the Bishop of Leon for a crozier." " Gahagan has consecrated it," giggled out Ramon Cabrera ; and so they went on with their muchacas for an hour or more. But when they heard that the means of my salvation from the lance of the scoundrelly Christino had been the magazine containing my own history, their laugh was changed into wonder. I read them (speak- ing Spanish more fluently than English) every word of my story. 144 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF " But how is this 1 " said Cabrera. " You surely have other ad- ventures to relate 1 " "Excellent sir," said I, "I have;" and that very evening, as we sat over our cups of tertullia (sangaree), I continued my narrative in nearly the following words : — " I left off in the very middle of the battle of Delhi, which ended, as everybody knows, in the complete triumph of the British arms. But who gained the battle 1 Lord Lake is called Viscount Lake of Delhi and Laswaree, while Major Gaha — nonsense, never mind him, never mind the charge he executed when, sabre in hand, he leaped the six-foot wall in the mouth of the roaring cannon, over the heads of the gleaming pikes ; when, with one hand seizing the sacred peishcush, or fish — which was the banner always borne before Scindiah, — he, with his good sword, cut off the trunk of the famous white elephant, which, shrieking with agony, plunged madly into the Mahratta ranks, followed by his giant brethren, tossing, like chaff before the wind, the affrighted kitmatgars. He, meanwhile, now plunging into the midst of a battalion of consomahs, now cleaving to the chine a screaming and ferocious bobbachee,* rushed on, like the simoom across the red Zaharan plain, killing, with his own hand, a hundred and forty-thr but never mind — 'alone he did it;"* suffi- cient be it for him, however, that the victory was won : he cares not for the empty honours which were awarded to more fortunate men ! " We marched after the battle to Delhi, where poor blind old Shah Allum received us, and bestowed all kinds of honours and titles on our General. As each of the officers passed before him, the Shah did not fail to remark my person,! and was told my name. " Lord Lake whispered to him my exploits, and the old man was so delighted with the account of my, victory over the elephant (whose trunk I use to this day), that he said, ' Let him be called GUJPUTI,' or the lord of elephants ; and Gujputi was the name by which I was afterwards familiarly known among the natives, — the men, that is. The women had a softer appellation for me, and called me ' Mushook,' or charmer. " Well, I shall not describe Delhi, which is doubtless well known to the reader ; nor the siege of Agra, to which place we went from Delhi ; nor the terrible day at Laswaree, which went nigh to finish the war. Suffice it to say that we were victorious, and that I was * The double-jointed camel of Bactria, which the classic reader may re- collect is mentioned by Suidas (in his Commentary on the Flight of Darius), is so called by the Mahrattas. f There is some trifling inconsistency on the Major's part. Shah Allum was notoriously blind : how, then, could he have seen Gahagan ? The thing is mani- festly impossible, MAJOR GAHAGAN '45 wounded ; as I have invariably been in the two hundred and four occasions when I have found myself in action. One point, however, became in the course of this campaign quite evident — that something must be done for Gahagan. The country cried shame, the King's troops grumbled, the sepoys openly murmured that their Gujputi was only a lieutenant, when he had performed such signal services. What was to be done ? Lord Wellesley was in an evident quandary. ' Gahagan,' wrote he, 'to be a subaltern is evidently not your fate — you were born for command ; but Lake and General Wellesley are good officers, they cannot be turned out — I must make a post for you. What say you, my dear fellow, to a corps of irregular horse ? ' "It was thus that the famous corps of AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS had its origin ; a guerilla force, it is true, but one which will long be remembered in the annals of our Indian campaigns. "As the commander of this regiment, I was allowed to settle the uniform of the corps, as well as to select recruits. These were not wanting as soon as my appointment was made known, but came flocking to my standard a great deal faster than to the regular corps in the Company's service. I had European officers, of course, to command them, and a few of my countrymen as sergeants ; the rest were all natives, whom I chose of the strongest and bravest men in India; chiefly Pitans, Afghans, Hurrumzadehs, and Calliawns: for these are well known to be the most warlike districts of our Indian territory. " When on parade and in full uniform we made a singular and noble appearance. I was always fond of dress ; and in this in- stance gave a carte blanche to my taste, and invented the most splendid costume that ever perhaps decorated a soldier. I am, as I have stated already, six feet four inches in height, and of match- less symmetry and proportion. My hair and beard are of the most brilliant auburn, so bright as scarcely to be distinguished at a distance from scarlet. My eyes are bright blue, overshadowed by bushy eyebrows of the colour of my hair, and a terrific gash of the deepest purple, which goes over the forehead, the eyelid, -and the cheek, and finishes at the ear, gives my face a more strictly military appearance than can be conceived. When I have been drinking (as is pretty often the case) this gash becomes ruby bright, and as I have another which took off a piece of my under-lip, and shows five of my front teeth, I leave you to imagine that ' seldom lighted on the earth ' (as the monster Burke remarked of one of his unhappy victims) ' a more extraordinary vision.' I improved these natural advantages; and, while in cantonment during the hot winds at Chittybobbary, allowed my hair to grow very long, as did my beard, 146 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF which reached to my waist. It took me two hours daily to curl my hair in ten thousand little corkscrew ringlets, which waved over my shoulders, and to get my moustaches well round to the corners of my eyelids. I dressed in loose scarlet trousers and red morocco boots, a scarlet jacket, and a shawl of the same colour round my waist ; a scarlet turban three feet high, and decorated with a tuft of the scarlet feathers of the flamingo, formed my head-dress, and I did not allow myself a single ornament, except a small silver skull and cross-bones in front of my turban. Two brace of pistols, a Malay creese, and a tulwar, sharp on both sides, and very nearly six feet in length, completed this elegant costume. My two flags were each surmounted with a real skull and cross-bones, and orna- mented one with a black, and the other w;th a red beard (of enormous length, taken from men slain in battle by me). On one flag were of course the arms of John Company ; on the other, an image of myself bestriding a prostrate elephant, with the simple word ' GUJPUTI ' written underneath in the Nagaree, Persian, and Sanscrit characters. I rode my black horse, and looked, by the immortal gods, like Mars. To me might be applied the words which were written concerning handsome General Webb, in Marl- borough's time : — ' To noble danger he conducts the way, His great example all his troop obey, Before the front the Major sternly rides, With such an air as Mars to battle strides. Propitious Heaven must sure a hero save Like Paris handsome, and like Hector brave ! ' "My officers (Captains Biggs and Mackanulty, Lieutenants Glogger, Pappendick, Stuffle, &c. &c.) were dressed exactly in the same way, but in yellow ; and the men were similarly equipped, but in black. I have seen many regiments since, and many ferocious- looking men, but the Ahmednuggar Irregulars were more dreadful to the view than any set of ruffians on which I ever set eyes. I would to Heaven that the Czar of Muscovy had passed through Cabool and Lahore, and that I with my old Ahmednuggars stood on a fair field to meet him ! Bless you, bless you, my swart com- panions in victory ! through the mist of twenty years I hear the booming of your war-cry, and mark the glitter of your scimitars as ye rage in the thickest of the battle ! * * I do not wish to brag of my style of writing, or to pretend that my genius as a writer has not been equalled in former times ; but if, in the works of Byron, Scott, Goethe, or Victor Hugo, the reader can find a more beautiful sentence than the above, I will be obliged to him, that is all — I simply say, / will be obliged to him.—G. O'G. G., M.H.E.I.C.S., C.I.H.A. MAJOR GAHAGAN 147 "But away with melancholy reminiscences. You may fancy what a figure the Irregulars cut on a field-day — a line of five hundred black-faced, black-dressed, black-horsed, black-bearded men —Biggs, Glogger, and the other officers in yellow, galloping about the field like flashes of lightning ; myself enlightening them, red, solitary, and majestic, like yon glorious orb in heaven. "There are very few men, I presume, who have not heard of Holkar's sudden and gallant incursion into the Dooab, in the year 1804, when we thought that the victory of Laswaree and the brilliant success at Deeg had completely finished him. Taking ten thousand horse he broke up his camp at Palimbang ; and the first thing General Lake heard of him was, that he was at Putna, then at Rumpooge, then at Doncaradam — he was, in fact, in the very heart of our territory. " The unfortunate part of the affair was this : — His Excellency, despising the Mahratta chieftain, had allowed him to advance about two thousand miles in his front, and knew not in the slightest degree where to lay hold on him. Was he at Hazarubaug 1 was he at Bogly Gunge? nobody knew, and for a considerable period the movements of Lake's cavalry were quite ambiguous, uncertain, pro- miscuous, and undetermined. "Such, briefly, was the state of affairs in October 1804. At the beginning of that month I had been wounded (a trifling scratch, cutting off my left upper eyelid, a bit of my cheek, and my under- lip), and I was obliged to leave Biggs in command of my Irregulars, whilst I retired for my wounds to an English station at Furruckabad, alias Futtyghur — it is, as every twopenny postman knows, at the apex of the Dooab. We have there a cantonment, and thither I went for the mere sake of the surgeon and the sticking-plaster. " Furruckabad, then, is divided into two districts or towns : the lower Cotwal, inhabited by the natives, and the upper (which is fortified slightly, and has all along been called Futtyghur, meaning in Hindustanee * the -favourite -resort-of- the -white - faced-Feringhees- near-the-mango-tope-consecrated-to-Ram'), occupied by Europeans. (It is astonishing, by the way, how comprehensive that language is, and how much can be conveyed in one or two of the commonest " Biggs, then, and my men were playing all sorts of wondrous pranks with Lord Lake's army, whilst I was detained an unwilling prisoner of health at Futtyghur. " An unwilling prisoner, however, I should not say. The canton- ment at Futtyghur contained that which would have made any man a happy slave. Woman, lovely woman, was there in abundance and variety ! The fact is, that, when the campaign commenced in 1803, 148 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF the ladies of the army all congregated to this place, where they were left, as it was supposed, in safety. I might, like Homer, relate the names and qualities of all. I may at least mention some whose memory is still most dear to me. There was — " Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, wife of Bulcher of the Infantry. " Miss Bulcher. "Miss BELINDA BULCHER (whose name I beg the printer to place in large capitals). " Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy. " Mrs. Major Macan and the four Misses Macan. "The Honourable Mrs. Burgoo, Mrs. Flix, Hicks, Wicks, and many more too numerous to mention. The flower of our camp was, however, collected there, and the last words of Lord Lake to me, as I left him, were, ' Gahagan, I commit those women to your charge. Guard them with your life, watch over them with your honour, defend them with the matchless power of your indomitable arm.' "Futtyghur is, as I have said, a European station, and the pretty air of the bungalows, amid the clustering topes of mango- trees, has often ere this excited the admiration of the tourist and sketcher. On the brow of a hill — the Burrumpooter river rolls majestically at its base ; and no spot, in a word, can be conceived more exquisitely arranged, both by art and nature, as a favourite residence of the British fair. Mrs. Bulcher, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and the other married ladies above mentioned, had each of them delightful bungalows and gardens in the place, and between one cottage and another my time passed as delightfully as can the hours of any man who is away from his darling occupation of war. "I was the commandant of the fort. It is a little insignificant pettah, defended simply by a couple of gabions, a very ordinary counterscarp, and a bomb-proof embrasure. On the top of this my flag was planted, and the small garrison of forty men only were comfortably barracked off in the casemates within. A surgeon and two chaplains (there were besides three reverend gentlemen of amateur missions, who lived in the town) completed, as I may say, the garrison of our little fortalice, which I was left to defend and to command. " On the night of the first of November, in the year 1804, I had invited Mrs. Major-General Bulcher and her daughters, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy, and, indeed, all the ladies in the cantonment, to a little festival in honour of the recovery of my health, of the commencement of the shooting season, and indeed as a farewell visit, for it was my intention to take dawk the very next morning and return to my regiment. The three amateur missionaries whom I have mentioned, and some ladies in the cantonment of very rigid MAJOR GAHAGAN 149 religious principles, refused to appear at my little party. They had better never have been born than have done as they did : as you shall hear. " We had been dancing merrily all night, and the supper (chiefly of the delicate condor, the luscious adjutant, and other birds of a similar kind, which I had shot in the course of the day) had been duly feted by every lady and gentleman present ; when I took an opportunity to retire on the ramparts, with the interesting and lovely Belinda Bulcher. I was occupied, as the French say, in conter-mg fleurettes to this sweet young creature, when, all of a sudden, a rocket was seen whizzing through the air, and a strong light was visible in the valley below the little fort. " ' What, fireworks ! Captain Gahagan,' said Belinda ; * this is too gallant.' " ' Indeed, my dear Miss Bulcher,' said I, ' they are fireworks of which I have no idea : perhaps our friends the missionaries ' " ' Look, look ! ' said Belinda, trembling, and clutching tightly hold of my arm: 'what do I see? yes — no — yes! it is — our bungalow is in flames I ' " It was true, the spacious bungalow occupied by Mrs. Major- General was at that moment seen a prey to the devouring element — another and another succeeded it — seven bungalows, before I could almost ejaculate the name of Jack Robinson, were seen blazing brightly in the black midnight air ! " I seized my night-glass, and looking towards the spot where the conflagration raged, what was my astonishment to see thousands of black forms dancing round the fires ; whilst by their lights I could observe columns after columns of Indian horse, arriving and taking up their ground in the very middle of the open square or tank, round which the bungalows were built ! " * Ho, warder ! ' shouted I (while the frightened and trembling Belinda clung closer to my side, and pressed the stalwart arm that encircled her waist), * down with the drawbridge ! see that your masol- gees' (small tumbrels which are used in place of large artillery) * be well loaded : you, sepoys, hasten and man the ravelin ! you, choprasees, put out the lights in the embrasures ! we shall have warm work of it to-night, or my name is not Goliah Gahagan.' "The ladies, the guests (to the number of eighty-three), the sepoys, choprasees, masolgees, and so on, had all crowded on the platform at the sound of my shouting, and dreadful was the con- sternation, shrill the screaming, occasioned by my words. The men stood irresolute and mute with terror ; the women, trembling, knew scarcely whither to fly for refuge. * Who are yonder ruffians ? ' said I. A hundred voices yelped in reply — some said the Pindarees, some 150 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF said the Mahrattas, some vowed it was Scindiah, and others declared it was Holkar — no one knew. "'Is there any one here,' said I, 'who will venture to recon- noitre yonder troops ? ' There was a dead pause. " ' A thousand tomauns to the man who will bring me news of yonder army ! ' again I repeated. Still a dead silence. The fact was that Scindiah and Holkar both were so notorious for their cruelty, that no one dared venture to face the danger. 'Oh for fifty of my brave Ahmednuggarees ! ' thought I. " ' Gentlemen,' said I, ' I see it — you are cowards — none of you dare encounter the chance even of death. It is an encouraging prospect : know you not that the ruffian Holkar, if it be he, will with to-morrow's dawn beleaguer our little fort, and throw thou- sands of men against our walls'? know you not that, if we are taken, there is no quarter, no hope ; death for us — and worse than death for these lovely ones assembled here1?' Here the ladies shrieked and raised a howl as I have heard the jackals on a summer's evening. Belinda, my dear Belinda ! flung both her arms round me, and sobbed on my shoulder (or in my waistcoat-pocket rather, for the little witch could reach no higher). " ' Captain Gahagan,' sobbed she, ' Go — Go — Goggle — iah I ' " ' My soul's adored ! ' replied I. 11 1 Swear to me one thing.' " ' I swear/ " ' That if — that if — the nasty, horrid, odious black Mah-ra-a-a- attahs take the fort, you will put me out of their power.' " I clasped the dear girl to my heart, and swore upon my sword that, rather than she should incur the risk of dishonour, she should perish by my own hand. This comforted her; and her mother, Mrs. Major-General Bulcher, and her elder sister, who had not until now known a word of our attachment (indeed, but for these extra- ordinary circumstances, it is probable that we ourselves should never have discovered it), were under these painful circumstances made aware of my beloved Belinda's partiality for me. Having communi- cated thus her wish of self-destruction, I thought her example a touching and excellent one, and proposed to all the ladies that they should follow it, and that at the entry of the enemy into the fort, and at a signal given by me, they should one and all make away with themselves. Fancy my disgust when, after making this proposition, not one of the ladies chose to accede to it, and received it with the same chilling denial that my former proposal to the garrison had met with. " In the midst of this hurry and confusion, as if purposely to add to it, a trumpet was heard at the gate of the fort, and one of the MAJOR GAHAGAN 151 sentinels came running to me, saying that a Mahratta soldier was before the gate with a flag of truce ! " I went down, rightly conjecturing, as it turned out, that the party, whoever they might be, had no artillery ; and received at the point of my sword a scroll of which the following is a translation : — " * To Goliah Gahagan Gujputi. " ' LOKD OF ELEPHANTS, SIR, — I have the honour to inform you that I arrived before this place at eight o'clock P.M. with ten thousand cavalry under my orders. I have burned, since my arrival, seventeen bungalows in Furruckabad and Futtyghur, and have likewise been under the painful necessity of putting to death three clergymen (mollahs) and seven English officers, whom I found in the village ; the women have been transferred to safe keeping in the harems of my officers and myself. " ' As I know your courage and talents, I shall be very happy if you will surrender the fortress, and take service as a major-general (hookahbadar) in my army. Should my proposal not meet with your assent, I beg leave to state that to-morrow I shall storm the fort, and on taking it, shall put to death every male in the garrison, and every female above twenty years of age. For yourself I shall reserve a punishment, which for novelty and exquisite torture has, I flatter myself, hardly ever been exceeded. Awaiting the favour of a reply, I am, Sir, your very obedient servant, "'JESWUNT Row HOLKAR. '• ' CAMP BEFORE FUTTYQHUR : September 1, 1804. "'R. S. V. P.' " The officer who had brought this precious epistle (it is aston- ishing how Holkar had aped the forms of English correspondence), an enormous Pitan soldier, with a shirt of mail, and a steel cap and cape, round which his turban wound, was leaning against the gate on his matchlock, and whistling a national melody. I read the letter, and saw at once there was no time to be lost. That man, thought I, must never go back to Holkar. Were he to attack us now before we were prepared, the fort would be his in half-an-hour. " Tying my white pocket-handkerchief to a stick, I flung open the gate and advanced to the officer : he was standing, I said, on the little bridge across the moat. I made him a low salaam, after the fashion of the country, and, as he bent forward to return the com- pliment, I am sorry to say, I plunged forward, gave him a violent 152 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF blow on the head, which deprived him of all sensation, and then dragged him within the wall, raising the drawbridge after me. " I bore the body into my own apartment ; there, swift as thought, I stripped him of his turban, cammerbund, peijammahs,and papooshes, and, putting them on myself, determined to go forth and reconnoitre the enemy." Here I was obliged to stop, for Cabrera, Ros d'Eroles, and the rest of the staff were sound asleep ! What I did in my reconnais- sance, and how I defended the fort of Futtyghur, I shall have the honour of telling on another occasion. CHAPTER IV THE INDIAN CAMP— THE SORTIE FROM THE FORT HEADQUARTERS, MORELLA : October 3, 1838. IT is a balmy night. I hear the merry jingle of the tambourine, and the cheery voices of the girls and peasants, as they dance beneath my casement, under the shadow of the clustering vines. The laugh and song pass gaily round, and even at this distance I can distinguish the elegant form of Ramon Cabrera, as he whispers gay nothings in the ears of the Andalusian girls, or joins in the thrilling chorus of Biego's hymn, which is ever and anon vociferated by the enthusiastic soldiery of Carlos Quinto. I am alone, in the most inaccessible and most bomb-proof tower of our little fortalice ; the large casements are open — the wind, as it enters, whispers in my ear its odorous recollections of the orange grove and the myrtle bower. My torch (a branch of the fragrant cedar-tree) flares and flickers in the midnight breeze, and disperses its scent and burning splinters on my scroll and the desk where I write — meet implements for a soldier's authorship ! — it is cartridge paper over which my pen runs so glibly, and a yawning barrel of gunpowder forms my rough writing-table. Around me, below me, above me, all — all is peace ! I think, as I sit here so lonely, on my country, England ! and muse over the sweet and bitter recollections of my early days ! Let me resume my narrative at the point where (interrupted by the authoritative summons of war) I paused on the last occasion. I left off, I think — (for I am a thousand miles away from proof- sheets as I write, and, were I not writing the simple TKUTH, must contradict myself a thousand times in the course of my tale) — I think, I say, that I left off at that period of my story, when, Holkar being before Futtyghur, and I in command of that fortress, I had just been compelled to make away with his messenger : and, dressed in the fallen Indian's accoutrements, went forth to recon- noitre the force, and, if possible, to learn the intentions of the enemy. However much my figure might have resembled that of the Pitan, and, disguised in his armour, might have deceived the lynx- eyed Mahrattas, into whose camp I was about to plunge, it was evident that a single glance at my fair face and auburn beard would 154 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF have undeceived the dullest blockhead in Holkar's army. Seizing, then, a bottle of Burgess's walnut catsup, I dyed my face and my hands, and, with the simple aid of a flask of Warren's jet, I made my hair and beard as black as ebony. The Indian's helmet and chain hood covered likewise a great part of my face, and I hoped thus, with luck, impudence, and a complete command of all the Eastern dialects and languages, from Burinah to Afghanistan, to pass scot-free through this somewhat dangerous ordeal. I had not the word of the night, it is true — but I trusted to good fortune for that, and passed boldly out of the fortress, bearing the flag of truce as before ; I had scarcely passed on a couple of hundred yards, when lo ! a party of Indian horsemen, armed like him I had just overcome, trotted towards me. One was leading a noble white charger, and no sooner did he see me than, dismount- ing from his own horse, and giving the rein to a companion, he advanced to meet me with the charger ; a second fellow likewise dismounted and followed the first : one held the bridle of the horse, while the other (with a multitude of salaams, aleikums, and other genuflections) held the jewelled stirrup, and kneeling, waited until I should mount. I took the hint at once : the Indian who had come up to the fort was a great man — that was evident; I walked on with a majestic air, gathered up the velvet reins, and sprung into the magnificent high-peaked saddle. "Buk, buk," said I. "It is good. In the name of the forty-nine Imaums, let us ride on." And the whole party set off at a brisk trot, I keeping silence, and thinking with no little trepidation of what I was about to encounter. As we rode along, I heard two of the men commenting upon my unusual silence (for I suppose, I — that is the Indian — was a talka- tive officer). " The lips of the Bahawder are closed," said one. "Where are those birds of Paradise, his long-tailed words? they are imprisoned between the golden bars of his teeth ! " " Kush," said his companion, " be quiet ! Bobbachy Bahawder has seen the dreadful Feringhee, Gahagan Khan Gujputi, the elephant- lord, whose sword reaps the harvest of death ; there is but one champion who can wear the papooshes of the elephant-slayer — it is Bobbachy Bahawder ! " "You speak truly, Puneeree Muckun, the Bahawder ruminates on the words of the unbeliever : he is an ostrich, and hatches the eggs of his thoughts." " Bekhusm ! on my nose be it ! May the young birds, his actions, be strong and swift in flight." "May they digest iron!" said Puneeree Muckun, who was evidently a wag in his way. MAJOR GAHAGAN 155 " Oh — ho ! " thought I, as suddenly the light flashed upon me. " It was, then, the famous Bobbachy Bahawder whom I overcame just now ! and he is the man destined to stand in my slippers, is he 1 " and I was at that very moment standing in his own ! Such are the chances and changes that fall to the lot of the soldier ! I suppose everybody — everybody who has been in India, at least — has heard the name of Bobbachy Bahawder: it is derived from the two Hindustanee words — bobbachy, general; bahawder, artilleryman. He had entered into Holkar's service in the latter capacity, and had, by his merit and his undaunted bravery in action, attained the dignity of the peacock's feather, which is only granted to noblemen of the first class ; he was married, moreover, to one of Holkar's innumerable daughters ; a match which, according to the Chronique Scandaleuse, brought more of honour than of pleasure to the poor Bobbachy. Gallant as he was in the field, it was said that in the harem he was the veriest craven alive, completely subju- gated by his ugly and odious wife. In all matters of importance the late Bahawder had been consulted by his prince, who had, as it appears (knowing my character, and not caring to do anything rash in his attack upon so formidable an enemy), sent forward the un- fortunate Pitan to reconnoitre the fort ; he was to have done yet more, as I learned from the attendant Puneeree Muckun, who was, I soon found out, an old favourite with the Bobbachy — doubtless on account of his honesty and love of repartee. "The Bahawder's lips are closed," said he at last, trotting up to me ;" " has he not a word for old Puneeree Muckun 1 " " Bismillah, mashallah, barikallah," said I ; which means, " My good friend, what I have seen is not worth the trouble of relation, and fills my bosom with the darkest forebodings." " You could not then see the Gujputi alone, and stab him with your dagger 1 " [Here was a pretty conspiracy !] " No, I saw him, but not alone ; his people were always with him." " Hurrumzadeh ! it is a pity ; we waited but the sound of your jogree (whistle), and straightway would have galloped up and seized upon every man, woman, and child in the fort : however, there are but a dozen men in the garrison, and they have not provision for two days — they must yield ; and then hurrah for the moon-faces ! Mashallah ! I am told the soldiers who first get in are to have their pick. How my old woman, Rotee Muckun, will be surprised when I bring home a couple of Feringhee wives, — ha ! ha ! " " Fool ! " said I, " be still ! — twelve men in the garrison ! there are twelve hundred ! Gahagan himself is as good as a thousand men ; and as for food, I saw with my own eyes five hundred bullocks 156 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF grazing in the courtyard as I entered." This was a bouncer, I con- fess • but my object was to deceive Puneeree Muckun, and give him as high a notion as possible of the capabilities of defence which the besieged had. "Pooch, pooch," murmured the men; "it is a wonder of a fortress : we shall never be able to take it until our guns come up." There was hope then ! they had no battering-train. Ere this arrived, I trusted that Lord Lake would hear of our plight, and march down to rescue us. Thus occupied in thought and conversa- tion, we rode on until the advanced sentinel challenged us, when old Puneeree gave the word, and we passed on into the centre of Holkar's camp. It was a strange — a stirring sight ! The camp-fires were lighted ; and round them — eating, reposing, talking, looking at the merry steps of the dancing-girls, or listening to the stories of some Dhol Baut (or Indian improvisatore) — were thousands of dusky soldiery. The camels and horses were picketed under the banyan- trees, on which the ripe mango fruit was growing, and offered them an excellent food. Towards the spot which the golden fish and royal purdahs, floating in the wind, designated as the tent of Holkar, led an immense avenue — of elephants ! the finest street, indeed, I ever saw. Each of the monstrous animals had a castle on its back, armed with Mauritanian archers and the celebrated Persian match- lock-men : it was the feeding time of these royal brutes, and the grooms were observed bringing immense toffungs, or baskets, filled with pine-apples, plantains, bananas, Indian corn, and cocoa-nuts, which grow luxuriantly at all seasons of the year. We passed down this extraordinary avenue — no less than three hundred and eighty- eight tails did I count on each side — each tail appertaining to an elephant twenty-five feet high — each elephant having a two-storied castle on its back — each castle containing sleeping and eating rooms for the twelve men that formed its garrison, and were keeping watch on the roof — each roof bearing a flagstaff twenty feet long on its top, the crescent glittering with a thousand gems, and round it the imperial standard, — each standard of silk velvet and cloth-of-gold, bearing the well-known device of Holkar, argent an or gules, between a sinople of the first, a chevron truncated, wavy. I took nine of these myself in the course of a very short time after, and shall be happy, when I come to England, to show them to any gentleman who has a curiosity that way. Through this gorgeous scene our little cavalcade passed, and at last we arrived at the quarters occu- pied by Holkar. That celebrated chieftain's tents and followers were gathered round one of the British bungalows which had escaped the flames, MAJOR GAHAGAN 157 and which he occupied during the siege. When I entered the large room where he sat, I found him in the midst of a council of war ; his chief generals and viziers seated round him, each smoking his hookah, as is the common way with these black fellows, before, at, and after breakfast, dinner, supper, and bedtime. There was such a cloud raised by their smoke you could hardly see a yard before you — another piece of good-luck for me — as it diminished the chances of my detection. When, with the ordinary ceremonies, the kitmat- gars and consomahs had explained to the prince that Bobbachy Bahawder, the right eye of the Sun of the Universe (as the ignorant heathens called me), had arrived from his mission, Holkar imme- diately summoned me to the maidaun, or elevated platform, on which he was seated in a luxurious easy-chair, and I, instantly taking off my slippers, falling on my knees, and beating my head against the ground ninety-nine times, proceeded, still on my knees, a hundred and twenty feet through the room, and then up the twenty steps which led to his maidaun — a silly, painful, and dis- gusting ceremony, which can only be considered as a relic of barbarian darkness, which tears the knees and shins to pieces, let alone the pantaloons. I recommend anybody who goes to India, with the prospect of entering the service of the native rajahs, to recollect my advice, and have them well wadded. Well, the right eye of the Sun of the Universe scrambled as well as he could up the steps of the maidaun (on which, in rows, smoking, as I have said, the musnuds or general officers were seated), and I arrived within speaking distance of Holkar, who instantly asked me the success of my mission. The impetuous old man thereon poured out a multitude of questions : " How many men are there in the fort ? " said he ; " how many women 1 Is it victualled? have they ammunition'? " Did you see Gahagan Sahib, the commander 1 did you kill him 1 " All these questions Jeswunt Row Holkar puffed out with so many whiffs of tobacco. Taking a chillum myself, and raising about me such a cloud that, upon my honour as a gentleman, no man at three yards' distance could perceive anything of me except the pillar of smoke in which I was encompassed, I told Holkar, in Oriental language of course, the best tale I could with regard to the fort. " Sir," said I, " to answer your last question first — that dreadful Gujputi I have seen — and he is alive : he is eight feet, nearly, in height ; he can eat a bullock daily (of which he has seven hundred at present in the compound, and swears that during the siege he will content himself with only three a week) : he has lost, in battle, his left eye; and what is the consequence1? 0 Ram Gunge" 158 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF (0 thou-with-the-eye-as-bright-as-morning and-with-beard-as-black-as- night), " Goliah Gujputi — NEVER SLEEPS ! " " Ah, you Ghorumsaug (you thief of the world)," said the Prince Vizier, Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee — " it's joking you are ; "- and there was a universal buzz through the room at the announce- ment of this bouncer. "By the hundred and eleven incarnations of Vishnu," said I solemnly (an oath which no Indian was ever known to break), " I swear that so it is : so at least he told me, and I have good cause to know his power. Gujputi is an enchanter : he is leagued with devils ; he is invulnerable. Look," said I, unsheathing my dagger — and every eye turned instantly towards me — " thrice did I stab him with this steel — in the back, once — twice right through the heart ; but he only laughed me to scorn, and bade me tell Holkar that the steel was not yet forged which was to inflict an injury upon him." I never saw a man in such a rage as Holkar was when I gave him this somewhat imprudent message. " Ah, lily-livered rogue ! " shouted he out to me, " milk-blooded unbeliever ! pale-faced miscreant ! lives he after insulting thy master in thy presence 1 In the name of the Prophet, I spit on thee, defy thee, abhor thee, degrade thee ! Take that, thou liar of the universe ! and that — and that — and that ! " Such are the frightful excesses of barbaric minds ! every time this old man said, " Take that," he flung some article near him at the head of the undaunted Gahagan — his dagger, his sword, his carbine, his richly ornamented pistols, his turban covered with jewels, worth a hundred thousand crores of rupees — finally, his hookah, snake mouthpiece, silver-bell, chillum and all — which went hissing over my head, and flattening into a jelly the nose of the Grand Vizier. " Yock muzzee ! my nose is off," said the old man mildly. " Will you have my life, 0 Holkar 1 it is thine likewise ! " and no other word of complaint escaped his lips. Of all these missiles, though a pistol and carbine had gone off as the ferocious Indian flung them at my head, and the naked scimitar, fiercely but unadroitly thrown, had lopped off the limbs of one or two of the musnuds as they sat trembling on their omrahs, yet, strange to say, not a single weapon had hurt me. When the hubbub ceased, and the unlucky wretches who had been the victims of this fit of rage had been removed, Holkar's good-humour some- what returned, and he allowed me to continue my account of the fort; which I did, not taking the slightest notice of his burst of impatience : as indeed it would have been the height of impolite- MAJOR GAHAGAN 159 ness to have done, for such accidents happened many times in the day. "It is well that the Bobbachy has returned," snuffled out the poor Grand Vizier, after I had explained to the Council the extra- ordinary means of defence possessed by the garrison. " Your star is bright, 0 Bahawder ! for this very night we had resolved upon an escalade of the fort, and we had sworn to put every one of the infidel garrison to the edge of the sword." " But you have no battering train," said I. " Bah ! we have a couple of ninety-six pounders, quite sufficient to blow the gates open ; and then, hey for a charge ! " said Loll Mahommed, a general of cavalry, who was a rival of Bobbachy's, and contradicted, therefore, every word I said. " In the name of Juggernaut, why wait for the heavy artillery? Have we not swords ? Have we not hearts 1 Mashallah ! Let cravens stay with Bobbachy, all true men will follow Loll Mahommed ! Allah- humdillah, Bismillah, Barikallah 1 " * and drawing his scimitar, he waved it over his head, and shouted out his cry of battle. It was repeated by many of the other omrahs ; the sound of their cheers was carried into the camp, and caught up by the men ; the camels began to cry, the horses to prance and neigh, the eight hundred elephants set up a scream, the trumpeters and drummers clanged away at their instruments. I never heard such a din before or after. How I trembled for my little garrison when I heard the enthusiastic cries of this innumerable host ! There was but one way for it. " Sir," said I, addressing Holkar, "go out to-night, and you go to certain death. Loll Mahommed has not seen the fort as I have. Pass the gate if you please, and for what 1 to fall before the fire of a hundred pieces of artillery ; to storm another gate, and then another, and then to be blown up, with Gahagan's garrison in the citadel. Who talks of courage1? Were I not in your august presence, 0 star of the faithful, I would crop Loll Mahommed's nose from his face, and wear his ears as an ornament in my own pugree ! Who is there here that knows not the difference between yonder yellow-skinned coward and Gahagan Khan Guj — I mean Bobbachy Bahawder ? I am ready to fight one, two, three, or twenty of them, at broadsword, small-sword, single- stick, with fists if you please. By the holy piper, fighting is like mate and dthrink to Ga — to Bobbachy, I mane — whoop ! come on, you diwle, and I'll bate the skin off your ugly bones." This speech had very nearly proved fatal to me, for, when I am * The Major has put the most approved language into the mouths of his Indian characters. Bismillah, Barikallah, and so on, according to the novelists, form the very essence of Eastern conversation. 160 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF agitated, I involuntarily adopt some of the phraseology peculiar to my own country ; which is so uneastern, that, had there been any suspicion as to my real character, detection must indubitably have ensued. As it was, Holkar perceived nothing, but instantaneously stopped the dispute. Loll Mahommed, however, evidently suspected something ; for, as Holkar, with a voice of thunder, shouted out ; " Tomasha (silence)," Loll sprang forward and gasped out — " My lord ! my lord ! this is not Bob " But he could say no more. " Gag the slave ! " screamed out Holkar, stamping with fury; and a turban was instantly twisted round the poor devil's jaws. " Ho, furoshes ! carry out Loll Mahommed Khan, give him a hundred dozen on the soles of his feet, set him upon a white donkey, and carry him round the camp, with an inscription before him : ' This is the way that Holkar rewards the talkative.' " I breathed again ; and ever as I heard each whack of the bamboo falling on Loll Mahommed's feet, I felt peace returning to my mind, and thanked my stars that I was delivered of this danger. " Vizier," said Holkar, who enjoyed Loll's roars amazingly, " I owe you a reparation for your nose : kiss the hand of your prince, 0 Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee ! be from this day forth Zoheir u Dowlut ! " The good old man's eyes filled with tears. " I can bear thy severity, 0 Prince," said he ; "I cannot bear thy love. Was it not an honour that your Highness did me just now when you con- descended to pass over the bridge of your slave's nose *? " The phrase was by all voices pronounced to be very poetical. The Vizier retired, crowned with his new honours, to bed. Holkar was in high good-humour. " Bobbachy," said he, " thou, too, must pardon me. A propos, 1 have news for thee. Your wife, the incomparable Puttee Rooge " (white and red rose), " has arrived in camp." " My WIFE, my lord ! " said I, aghast. " Our daughter, the light of thine eyes ! Go, my son ; I see thou art wild with joy. The Princess's tents are set up close by mine, and I know thou longest to join her." My wife 1 Here was a complication truly ! CHAPTER V THE ISSUE OF MY INTERVIEW WITH MY WIFE I FOUND Puneeree Muckun, with the rest of my attendants, waiting at the gate, and they immediately conducted me to my own tents in the neighbourhood. I have been in many dangerous predicaments before that time and since, but I don't care to deny that I felt in the present instance such a throbbing of the heart as I never have experienced when leading a forlorn hope, or marching up to a battery. As soon as I entered the tents a host of menials sprang forward, some to ease me of my armour, some to offer me refreshments, some with hookahs, attar of roses (in great quart bottles), and the thou- sand delicacies of Eastern life. I motioned them away. " I will wear my armour," said I ; " I shall go forth to-night. Carry my duty to the princess, and say I grieve that to-night I have not the time to see her. Spread me a couch here, and bring me supper here : a jar of Persian wine well cooled, a lamb stuffed with pistachio-nuts, a pillaw of a couple of turkeys, a curried kid — any- thing. Begone ! Give me a pipe ; leave me alone, and tell me when the meal is ready." I thought by these means to put off the fair Puttee Rooge, and hoped to be able to escape without subjecting myself to the examination of her curious eyes. After smoking for a while, an attendant came to tell me that my supper was prepared in the inner apartment of the tent (I suppose that the reader, if he be possessed of the commonest intelligence, knows that the tents of the Indian grandees are made of the finest Cashmere shawls, and contain a dozen rooms at least, with carpets, chimneys, and sash- windows complete). I entered, I say, into an inner chamber, and there began with my fingers to devour my meal in the Oriental fashion, taking, every now and then, a pull from the wine-jar, which was cooling deliciously in another jar of snow. I was just in the act of despatching the last morsel of a most savoury stewed lamb and rice, which had formed my meal, when I heard a scuffle of feet, a shrill clatter of female voices, and, the curtain being flung open, in marched a lady accompanied by twelve 3 L 162 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF slaves, with moon faces and slim waists, lovely as the houris in Paradise. The lady herself, to do her justice, was as great a contrast to her attendants as could possibly be : she was crooked, old, of the complexion of molasses, and rendered a thousand times more ugly by the tawdry dress and the blazing jewels with which she was covered. A line of yellow chalk drawn from her forehead to the tip of her nose (which was further ornamented by an immense glittering nose-ring), her eyelids painted bright red, and a large dab of the same colour on her chin, showed she was not of the Mussulman, but the Brahmin faith — and of a very high caste : you could see that by her eyes. My mind was instantaneously made up as to my line of action. The male attendants had of course quitted the apartment, as they heard the well-known sound of her voice. It would have been death to them to have remained and looked in her face. The females ranged themselves round their mistress, as she squatted down opposite to me. "And is this," said she, "a welcome, 0 Khan! after six months' absence, for the most unfortunate and loving wife in all the world 1 Is this lamb, 0 glutton ! half so tender as thy spouse 1 Is this wine, 0 sot ! half so 'sweet as her looks?" I saw the storm was brewing — her slaves, to whom she turned, kept up a kind of chorus : — " Oh, the faithless one ! " cried they. " Oh, the rascal, the false one, who has no eye for beauty, and no heart for love, like the Khanum's ! " " A lamb is not so sweet as love," said I gravely ; " but a lamb has a good temper : a wine-cup is not so intoxicating as a woman — but a wine-cup has no tongue, 0 Khanum Gee ! " and again I dipped my nose in the soul-refreshing jar. The sweet Puttee Rooge was not, however, to be put off by my repartees; she and her maidens recommenced their chorus, and chattered and stormed until I lost all patience. "Retire, friends," said I, "and leave me in peace." " Stir, on your peril ! " cried the Khanum. So, seeing there was no help for it but violence, I drew out my pistols, cocked them, and said, " 0 houris ! these pistols contain each two balls : the daughter of Holkar bears a sacred life for me — but for you ! — by all the saints of Hindustan, four of ye shall die if ye stay a moment longer in my presence ! " This was enough ; the ladies gave a shriek, and skurried out of the apartment like a covey of partridges on the wing. Now, then, was the time for action. My wife, or rather MAJOR GAHAGAN 163 Bobbachy's wife, sat still, a little flurried by the unusual ferocity which her lord had displayed in her presence. I seized her hand, and, gripping it close, whispered in her ear, to which I put the other pistol: — "0 Khanum, listen and scream not; the moment you scream, you die ! " She was completely beaten : she turned as pale as a woman could in her situation, and said, " Speak, Bobbachy Bahawder, I am dumb." "Woman," said I, taking off my helmet, and removing the chain cape which had covered almost the whole of my face — " / am not thy husband — I am the slayer of elephants, the world-renowned GAHAGAN ! " As I said this, and as the long ringlets of red hair fell over my shoulders (contrasting strangely with my dyed face and beard), I formed one of the finest pictures that can possibly be conceived, and I recommend it as a subject to Mr. Heath, for the next " Book of Beauty." " Wretch ! " said she, " what wouldst thou 1 " "You black-faced fiend," said I, "raise but your voice, and you are dead ! " "And afterwards," said she, "do you suppose that you can escape? The torments of hell are not so terrible as the tortures that Holkar will invent for thee." " Tortures, madam ? " answered I, coolly. " Fiddlesticks ! You will neither betray me, nor will I be put to the torture : on the contrary, you will give me your best jewels and facilitate my escape to the fort. Don't grind your teeth and swear at me. Listen, madam : you know this dress and these arms ; — they are the arms of your husband, Bobbachy Bahawder — my prisoner. He now lies in yonder fort, and if I do not return before daylight, at sunrise he dies : and then, when they send his corpse back to Holkar, what will you, his widow, do 1 " " Oh ! " said she, shuddering, " spare me, spare me ! " " I'll tell you what you will do. You will have the pleasure of dying along with him — of being roasted, madam : an agonising death, from which your father cannot save you, to which he will be the first man to condemn and conduct you. Ha ! I see we under- stand each other, and you will give me over the cash-box and jewels." And so saying I threw myself back with the calmest air imaginable, flinging the pistols over to her. " Light me a pipe, my love," said I, " and then go and hand me over the dollars : do you hear 1 " You see I had her in my power — up a tree, as the Americans say, and she very humbly lighted my pipe for me, and then departed for the goods I spoke about. What a thing is luck ! If Loll Mahommed had not been made 164 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF to take that ride round the camp, I should infallibly have been lost. My supper, my quarrel with the princess, and my pipe after- wards, had occupied a couple of hours of my time. The princess returned from her quest, and brought with her the box, containing valuables to the amount of about three millions sterling. (I was cheated of them afterwards, but have the box still, a plain deal one.) I was just about to take my departure, when a tremendous knocking, shouting, and screaming was heard at the entrance of the tent. It was Holkar himself, accompanied by that cursed Loll Mahommed, who, after his punishment, found his master restored to good-humour, and had communicated to him his firm conviction that I was an impostor. " Ho, Begum ! " shouted he, in the ante-room (for he and his people could not enter the women's apartments), "speak, 0 my daughter ! is your husband returned 1 '' "Speak, madam," said I, "or remember the roasting." " He is, papa," said the Begum. " Are you sure 1 Ho ! ho ! ho ! " (the old ruffian was laughing outside) — " are you sure it is 1 — Ha ! aha ! — he-e-e ! " " Indeed it is he, and no other. I pray you, father, to go, and to pass no more such shameless jests on your daughter. Have I ever seen the face of any other man ? " And hereat she began to weep as if her heart would break — the deceitful minx ! Holkar's laugh was instantly turned to fury. "Oh, you liar and eternal thief ! " said he, turning round (as I presume, for I could only hear) to Loll Mahommed, " to make your prince eat such monstrous dirt as this ! Furoshes, seize this man. I dismiss him from my service, I degrade him from his rank, I appropriate to myself all his property : and hark ye, furoshes, GIVE HIM A HUN- DEED DOZEN MORE ! " Again I heard the whacks of the bamboos, and peace flowed into my soul. Just as morn began to break, two figures were seen to approach the little fortress of Futtyghur : one was a woman wrapped closely in a veil ; the other a warrior, remarkable for the size and manly beauty of his form, who carried in his hand a deal box of con- siderable size. The warrior at the gate gave the word and was admitted ; the woman returned slowly to the Indian camp. Her name was Puttee Rooge ; his was — G. O'G. G., M.H.E.I.C.S., C.I.H.A. CHAPTER VI FAMINE IN THE GARRISON THUS my dangers for the night being overcome, I hastened with my precious box into my own apartment, which com- municated with another, where I had left my prisoner, with a guard to report if he should recover, and to prevent his escape. My servant, Ghorumsaug, was one of the guard. I called him, and the fellow came, looking very much confused and frightened, as it seemed, at my appearance. "Why, Ghorumsaug," said I, "what makes thee look so pale, fellow?" (He was as white as a sheet.) "It is thy master, dost thou not remember him ? " The man had seen me dress myself in the Pitan's clothes, but was not present when I had blacked my face and beard in the manner I have described. " 0 Bramah, Vishnu, and Mahomet ! " cried the faithful fellow, " and do I see my dear master disguised in this way 1 For Heaven's sake let me rid you of this odious black paint ; for what will the bid if '.H say in the ballroom if the beautiful Feringhee should appear amongst them with his roses turned into coal 1 " I am still one of the finest men in Europe, and at the time of which I write, when only two-and-twenty, I confess I was a little vain of my personal appearance, and not very willing to appear In-fore my dear Belinda disguised like a blackamoor. I allowed Ghorumsaug to divest me of the heathenish armour and habiliments which I wore; and having, with a world of scrubbing and trouble, divested my face and beard of their black tinge, I put on my own becoming uniform, and hastened to wait on the ladies ; hastened, I Kay, although delayed would have been the better word, for the operation of bleaching lasted at least two hours. " How is the prisoner, Ghorumsaug ?" said I, before leaving my apartment. "He has recovered from the blow which the Lion dealt him; two men and myself watch over him ; and Macgillicuddy Sahib (the second in command) has jiiHt been the rounds, and has seen that all was secure." I li;ide Ghorumsaug help me to put away my chest of treasure (my exultation in taking it was so great that I could not help 166 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF informing him of its contents) ; and this done, I despatched him to his post near the prisoner, while I prepared to sally forth and pay my respects to the fair creatures under my protection. "What good after all have I done," thought I to myself, " in this expedition which I had so rashly undertaken?" I had seen the renowned Holkar ; I had been in the heart of his camp ; I knew the dis- position of his troops, that there were eleven thousand of them, and that he only waited for his guns to make a regular attack on the fort. I had seen Puttee Rooge ; I had robbed her (I say robbed her, and I don't care what the reader or any other man may think of the act) of a deal box, containing jewels to the amount of three millions sterling, the property of herself and husband. Three millions in money and jewels ! And what the deuce were money and jewels to me or to my poor garrison 1 Could my adorable Miss Bulcher eat a fricassee of diamonds, or, Cleopatra-like, melt down pearls to her tea ? Could I, careless as I am about food, with a stomach that would digest anything — (once, in Spain, I ate the leg of a horse during a famine, and was so eager to swallow this morsel that I bolted the shoe, as well as the hoof, and never felt the slightest inconvenience from either) — could I, I say, expect to live long and well upon a ragout of rupees, or a dish of stewed emeralds and rubies? With all the wealth of Croesus before me I felt melancholy; and would have paid cheerfully its weight in carats for a good honest round of boiled beef. Wealth, wealth, what art thou? What is gold? — Soft metal. What are diamonds 1 — Shining tinsel. The great wealth-winners, the only fame-achievers, the sole objects worthy of a soldier's consideration, are beefsteaks, gunpowder, and cold iron. The two latter means of competency we possessed ; I had in my own apartments a small store of gunpowder (keeping it under my own bed, with a candle burning for fear of accidents) ; I had 14 pieces of artillery (4 long 48's and 4 carronades, 5 howitzers, and a long brass mortar, for grape, which I had taken myself at the battle of Assay e), and muskets for ten times my force. My garrison, as I have told the reader in a previous number, consisted of 40 men, two chaplains, and a surgeon ; add to these my guests, 83 in number, of whom nine only were gentlemen (in tights, powder, pigtails, and silk stockings, who had come out merely for a dance, and found themselves in for a siege). Such were our numbers : — Troops and artillerymen 40 Ladies 74 Other non-combatants 11 MAJOK-GENERAL O'G. GAHAGAN . . 1,000 1,125 MAJOR GAHAGAN 167 I count myself good for a thousand, for so I was regularly rated in the army : with this great benefit to it, that I only consumed as much as an ordinary mortal. We were then, as far as the victuals went, 126 mouths; as combatants we numbered, 1,040 gallant men, with 12 guns and a fort, against Holkar and his 12,000. No such alarming odds, if If I — ay, there was the nib — if we had shot, as well as powder for our guns ; if we had not only men but meat. Of the former commodity we had only three rounds for each piece. Of the latter, upon my sacred honour, to feed 126 souls, we had but Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham. Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer. Of soda-water, four ditto. Two bottles of fine Spanish olives. Raspberry cream — the remainder of two dishes. Seven macaroons, lying in the puddle of a demolished trifle. Half a drum of best Turkey figs. Some bits of broken bread ; two Dutch cheeses (whole) ; the crust of an old Stilton ; and about an ounce of almonds and raisins. Three ham-sandwiches, and a pot of currant-jelly, and 197 bottles of brandy, rum, madeira, pale ale (my private stock) ; a couple of hard eggs for a salad, and a flask of Florence oil. This was the provision for the whole garrison ! The men after supper had seized upon the relics of the repast, as they were carried oft' from the table ; and these were the miserable remnants I found and counted on my return ; taking good care to lock the door of the supper-room, and treasure what little sustenance still remained in it. When I appeared in the saloon, now lighted up by the morning sun, I not only caused a sensation myself, but felt one in my own bosom which was of the most painful description. Oh, my reader ! may you never behold such a sight as that which presented itself : eighty-three men and women in ball-dresses ; the former with their lank powdered locks streaming over their faces; the latter with faded flowers, uncurled wigs, smudged rouge, blear eyes, draggling feathers, rumpled satins — each more desperately melancholy and hideous than the other — each, except my beloved Belinda Bulcher, whose raven ringlets never having been in curl, could of course never go out of curl ; whose cheek, pale as the lily, could, as it may naturally be supposed, grow no paler; whose neck and beauteous i68 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF arms, dazzling as alabaster, needed no pearl-powder, and therefore, as I need not state, "did not suffer because the pearl-powder had come off. Joy (deft link-boy !) lit his lamps in each of her eyes as I entered. As if I had been her sun, her spring, lo ! blushing roses mantled in her cheek ! Seventy-three ladies, as I entered, opened their fire upon me, and stunned me with cross-questions regarding my adventures in the camp — she, as she saw me, gave a faint scream (the sweetest, sure, that ever gurgled through the throat of a woman !), then started up — then made as if she would sit down — then moved backwards — then tottered forwards — then tumbled into my — Psha ! why recall, why attempt to describe that delicious — that passionate greeting of two young hearts 1 What was the surrounding crowd to us ? What cared we for the sneers of the men, the titters of the jealous women, the shrill " Upon my word ! " of the elder Miss Bulcher. and the loud expostulations of Belinda's mamma'? The brave girl loved me, and wept in my arms. " G-oliah ! my Goliah ! " said she, " my brave, my beautiful, thou art returned, and hope comes back with thee. Oh ! who can tell the anguish of my soul, during this dreadful, dreadful night1?" Other similar ejaculations of love and joy she uttered ; and if I had perilled life in her service, if I did believe that hope of escape there was none, so exquisite was the moment of our meeting, that I forgot all else in this overwhelming joy ! [The Major's description of this meeting, which lasted at the very most not ten seconds, occupies thirteen pages of writing. We have been compelled to dock off twelve and a half; for the whole passage, though highly creditable to his feelings, might possibly be tedious to the reader.] As I said, the ladies and gentlemen were inclined to sneer, and were giggling audibly. I led the dear girl to a chair, and, scowling round with a tremendous fierceness, which those who know me know I can sometimes put on, I shouted out, " Hark ye ! men and women — I am this lady's truest knight — her husband I hope one day to be. I am commander, too, in this fort — the enemy is without it ; another word of mockery — another glance of scorn — and, by Heaven, 1 will hurl every man and woman from the battlements, a prey to the ruffianly Holkar ! " This quieted them. I am a man of my word, and none of them stirred or looked disrespectfully from that moment. It was now my turn to make them look foolish. Mrs. Vande- gobbleschroy (whose unfailing appetite is pretty well known to every MAJOR GAHAGAN 169 person who has been in India) cried, " Well, Captain Gahagan, your ball has been so pleasant, and the supper was despatched so long ago, that myself and the ladies would be very glad of a little break- fast." And Mrs. Van. giggled as if she had made a very witty and reasonable speech. " Oh ! breakfast, breakfast, by all means," said the rest ; " we really are dying for a warm cup of tea." " Is it bohay tay or souchong tay that you'd like, ladies 1 " says I. "Nonsense, you silly man; any tea you like," said fat Mrs. Van. "What do you say, then, to some prime gunpotvder?" Of course they said it was the very thing. " And do you like hot rowls or cowld — muffins or crumpets — fresh butter or salt1? And you, gentlemen, what do you say to some ilegant divvled-kidneys for yourselves, and just a trifle of grilled turkeys, and a couple of hundthred new-laid eggs for the ladies'?" " Pooh, pooh ! be it as you will, my dear fellow," answered they all. " But stop," says I. " 0 ladies, 0 ladies ! 0 gentlemen, gentle- men ! that you should ever have come to the quarters of Goliah Gahagan, and he been without — " What 1 " said they, in a breath. " Alas ! alas ! I have not got a single stick of chocolate in the whole house." " Well, well, we can do without it." " Or a single pound of coffee." " Never mind ; let that pass too." (Mrs. Van, and the rest were beginning to look alarmed.) "And about the kidneys — now I remember, the black divvies outside the fort have seized upon all the sheep; and how are we to have kidneys without them?" (Here there was a slight o — o — o !) " And with regard to the milk and crame, it may be remarked that the cows are likewise in pawn, and not a single drop can be had for money or love : but we can beat up eggs, you know, in the tay, which will be just as good." " Oh ! just as good." "Only the diwle's in the luck, there's not a fresh egg to be had — no, nor a fresh chicken," continued I, " nor a stale one either ; not a tayspoonful of souchong, nor a thimbleful of bohay ; nor the laste taste in life of butther, salt or fresh ; nor hot rowls or cowld ! " " In the name of Heaven ! " said Mrs. Van, growing very pale, " what is there, then 1 " 170 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF "Ladies and gentlemen, I'll tell you what there is now," shouted I. " There's " Two drumsticks of fowls, and a bone of ham, Fourteen bottles of ginger-beer," &c. &c. &c. And I went through the whole list of eatables as before, ending with the ham-sandwiches and the pot of jelly. " Law ! Mr. Gahagan," said Mrs. Colonel Vandegobbleschroy, "give me the ham-sandwiches — I must manage to breakfast off them." And you should have heard the pretty to-do there was at this modest proposition ! Of course I did not accede to it — why should I *? I was the commander of the fort, and intended to keep these three very sandwiches for the use of myself and my dear Belinda. " Ladies," said I, " there are in this fort one hundred and twenty- six souls, and this is all the food which is to last us during the siege. Meat there is none — of drink there is a tolerable quantity ; and at one o'clock punctually, a glass of wine and one olive shall be served out to each woman : the men will receive two glasses, and an olive and a fig — and this must be your food during the siege. Lord Lake cannot be absent more than three days ; and if he be — why, still there is a chance — why do I say a chance 1 — a certainty of escaping from the hands of these ruffians." " Oh, name it, name it, dear Captain Gahagan ! " screeched the whole covey at a breath. " It lies," answered I, "in the powder magazine. I will blow this fort, and all it contains, to atoms, ere it becomes the prey of Holkar." The women, at this, raised a squeal that might have been heard in Holkar's camp, and fainted in different directions ; but my dear Belinda whispered in my ear, "Well done, thou noble knight) bravely said, my heart's Goliah ! " I felt I was right : I could have blown her up twenty times for the luxury of that single moment .' " And now, ladies," said I, " I must leave you. The two chaplains will remain with you to administer professional consolation — the other gentlemen will follow me upstairs to the ramparts, where 1 shall find plenty of work for them." CHAPTER VII THE ESCAPE CTH as they were, these gentlemen had nothing for it but to obey, and they accordingly followed me to the ramparts, where I proceeded to review my men. The fort, in my absence, had been left in command of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy, a countryman of my own (with whom, as may be seen in an early chapter of my memoirs, I had an affair of honour) ; and the prisoner Bobbachy Bahawder, whom I had only stunned, never wishing to kill him, had been left in charge of that officer. Three of the garrison (one of them a man of the Ahmednuggar Irregulars, my own body- servant, Ghorumsaug above named) were appointed to watch the captive by turns, and never leave him out of their sight. The lieutenant was instructed to look to them and to their prisoner; and as Bobbachy was severely injured by the blow which I had given him, and was, moreover, bound hand and foot, and gagged smartly with cords, I considered myself sure of his person. Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little force, and the three havildars were likewise absent : this did not surprise me, as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but desirous to speak with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to him, and ordered him to appear immediately. The messenger came back ; he was looking ghastly pale : he whispered some information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten to the apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be confined. The men had fled ; — Bobbachy had fled ; and in his place, fancy my astonishment when I found — with a rope cutting his naturally wide mouth almost into his ears — with a dreadful sabre-cut across his forehead— with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied between his legs — my unhappy, my attached friend — Mortimer Macgillicuddy ! He had been in this position for about three hours — it was the very position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed — an attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner. 172 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position ; I poured half a bottle of whisky down the immensely enlarged orifice of his mouth ; and when he had been released, he informed me of the circumstances that had taken place. Fool that I was ! idiot ! — upon my return to the fort, to have been anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple of hours in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and complexion, instead of going to examine my prisoner— when his escape would have been prevented. 0 foppery, foppery ! — it was that cursed love of personal appearance which had led me to forget my duty to my general, my country, my monarch, and my own honour ! Thus it was that the escape took place : — My own fellow of the Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the operation to my satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform of my corps, and removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken from the back of the prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the rogue do next 1 — Why, he carried back the dress to the Bobbachy — he put it, once more, on its right owner ; he and his infernal black companions (who had been won over by the Bobbachy with promises of enormous reward) gagged Macgillicuddy, who was going the rounds, and then marched with the Indian coolly up to the outer gate and gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself, who had first come in, and was as likely to go out again — (indeed my rascally valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him and his two companions to reconnoitre) — opened the gates, and off they went ! This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered ! — and for the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had just been the rounds ; — he had, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this cruel way. The three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just been on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted them : I had changed the guard at the gate (whom they had won over like- wise); and yet, although they had overcome poor Mac, and although they were ready for the start, they had positively no means for effecting their escape, until I was ass enough to put means in their way Fool ! fool ! thrice-besotted fool that I was, to think of my own silly person when I should have been occupied solely with my public duty. From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from the effects of the gag and the whisky he had taken to revive him, and from my own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story. A sudden and painful thought struck me — my precious box ! — I rushed back — I found that box — I have it still. Opening MAJOR GAHAGAN 173 it, there, where I had left ingots, sacks of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees, strings of diamonds as big as ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the lips of my Belinda, countless strings of pearls, amethysts, emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes — I found — a piece of paper ! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language, which are thusk word for word, translated : — "EPIGRAM. "(On disappointing a certain Major.) " The conquering lion return'd with his prey, And safe in his cavern he set it ; The sly little fox stole the booty away, And, as he escaped, to the lion did say, ' Aha ! don't you wish you may get it ? ' " Confusion ! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines. I stamped, — I swore, — I don't know to what insane lengths my rage might have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in, screaming, " The enemy, the enemy ! " CHAPTER VIII THE CAPTIVE IT was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance. Waving my sword with one hand and seizing my telescope with the other, I at once frightened and examined the enemy. Well they knew when they saw that flamingo-plume floating in the breeze — that awful figure standing in the breach — that waving war-sword sparkling in the sky— well, I say, they knew the name of the humble individual who owned the sword, the plume, and the figure. The ruffians were mustered in front, the cavalry behind. The flags were flying, the drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos, and other instruments of Eastern music, raised in the air a strange barbaric melody; the officers (yatabals), mounted on white dromedaries, were seen galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the orders of Holkar. You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does on a rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the Burrumpooter river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a thousand yards wide, so that I had no fear about them attacking me in that quarter. My guns, therefore (with their six-and-thirty miserable charges of shot), were dragged round to the point at which I conceived Holkar would be most likely to attack me. I was in a situation that I did not dare to fire, except at such times as I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge of a cannon ; so the attack- ing party marched and marched, very strongly, about a mile and a half off, the elephants marching without receiving the slightest damage from us, until they had come to within four hundred yards of our walls (the rogues knew all the secrets of our weakness, through the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they never would have ventured so near). At that distance — it was about the spot where the Futtyghur hill began gradually to rise — the invading force stopped ; the elephants drew up in a line, at right angles with our wall (the fools ! they thought they should expose themselves too much by taking a position parallel to it) ; the cavalry halted too, and— after the deuce's own flourish of trumpets and banging of gongs, to be sure, — somebody, in a flame-coloured satin dress, with MAJOR GAHAGAN '75 an immense jewel blazing in his pugree (that looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet), got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and began a speech. The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable precision, about three hundred of them. The following little diagram will explain matters : — E E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in the fort. Now the reader will see what I did. The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro gracefully before them ; and I, with superhuman skill and activity, brought the gun G (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them. I pointed it myself; bang ! it went, and what was the consequence 1 Why, this :— F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the elephants, as we have previously seen them. What then is x 1 x is the line taken by the ball fired from G, which took off one hundred and thirty-four elephants' trunks, and only spent itself in the tusk of a very old animal, that stood the hundred and thirty-fifth ! I say that such a shot was never fired before or since : that a gun was never pointed in such a way. Suppose I had been a common man, and contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first animal? An ass would have done it, prided himself had he hit his mark, and what would have been the consequence 1 Why, that the ball might have killed two elephants and wounded a third ; but here, probably, it would have stopped, and done no further mischief. The trunk was the place at which to aim ; there are no bones there ; and away, consequently, went the bullet, shear- 176 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF ing, as I have said, through one hundred and thirty-five probosces. Heavens ! what a howl there was when the shot took effect ! What a sudden stoppage of Holkar's speech ! What a hideous snorting of elephants ! What a rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some demon was pursuing them ! Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than, rushing forward myself, I shouted to my men, " My friends, yonder lies your dinner ! " We flung open the gates — we tore down to the spot where the elephants had fallen : seven of them were killed ; and of those that escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere, most had left their trunks behind them. A great quantity of them we seized ; and I myself, cutting up with my scimitar a couple of the fallen animals, as a butcher would a calf, motioned to the men to take the pieces back to the fort, where barbacued elephant was served round for dinner, instead of the miserable allowance of an olive and a glass of wine, which I had promised to my female friends in my speech to them. The animal reserved for the ladies was a young white one — the fattest and tenderest I ever ate in my life : they are very fair eating, but the flesh has an India-rubber flavour, which, until one is accustomed to it. is unpalatable. It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence on the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had forced their .way into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of the garrison larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the olives, and the wine, which were locked up in my own apartment, before whicfi stood a sentinel. Disgusting Mrs. Van. ! When I heard of her gluttony, I had almost a mind to eat her. However, we made a very comfortable dinner off the barbacued steaks, and when everybody had done, had the comfort of knowing that there was enough for one meal more. The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force, attempting to escalade the fort ; but by the help of my guns, and my good sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant Macgillicuddy and the rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off completely, the enemy sustaining a loss of seven hundred men. We were victorious ; but when another attack was made, what were we to do 1 We had still a little powder left, but had fired off all the shot, stones, iron bars, &c., in the garrison ! On this day, too, we devoured tne last morsel of our food : I shall never forget Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I saw her sitting alone, attempting to make some impression on the little white elephant's roasted tail. The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius MAJOR GAHAGAN 177 are never at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition ; to-day I discovered charges sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which were much longer, but had bores of about blunderbuss size. This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader may remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack. The poor wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open palanquin, and came on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in his Hindustan jargon. Behind him came troops of matchlock- men, who picked off every one of our men who showed their noses above the ramparts ; and a great host of blackamoors with scaling-ladders, bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions, culverins, demilunes, counterscarps, and all the other appurtenances of offen- sive war. On they came ; my guns and men were ready for them. You will ask how my pieces were loaded 1 I answer, that though my garrison were without food, I knew my duty as an officer, and had put the two Dutch cheeses into the two gunSj and had crammed the contents of a bottle of olives into each swivel. They advanced, — whish ! went one of the Dutch cheeses, — bang ! went the other. Alas ! they did little execution. In their first con- tact with an opposing body, they certainly floored it ; but they became at once like so much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution beyond the man whom they struck down. " Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty- nine Imaums !) " shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the failure of my shot. " Onward, sons of the Prophet ! the infidel has no more ammunition. A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man who brings me Gahagan's head ! " His men set up a shout, and rushed forward — he, to do him justice, was at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and poking them with the tip of his scimitar. They came panting up the hill : I was black with rage, but it was the cold concentrated rage of despair. " Macgillicuddy," said I, calling that faithful officer, " you know where the barrels of powder are 1 " He did. " You know the use to make of them 1 " He did. He grasped my hand. " Goliah," said he, "farewell! I swear that the fort shall be in atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried it. Oh, my poor mother ! " added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet fearless, he retired to his post. I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then, stepping into the front, took down one of the swivels ;~a shower of matchlock balls came whizzing round my head. I did not heed them. I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his 178 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF palanquin, and his men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort. Loll was straight before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men. I fired — bang ! ! ! I aimed so true, that one hundred and seventeen best Spanish olives were lodged in a lump in the face of the unhappy Loll Mahommed. The wretch, uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever heard, fell back dead ; the frightened bearers flung down the palanquin and ran — the whole host ran as one man : their screams might be heard for leagues. "Tomasha, tomasha," they cried, "it is enchantment ! " Away they fled, and the victory a third time was ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back to my Belinda. We had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot hunger in the thought of once more beholding her ! The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered, and almost fainted in my arms ; but alas ! it was not love which caused in her bosom an emotion so strong — it was hunger ! " Oh ! my Goliah," whispered she, " for three days I have not tasted food — I could not eat that horrid elephant yesterday; but now — oh! Heaven ! — She could say no more, but sank almost lifeless on my shoulder. I administered to her a trifling dram of rum, which revived her for a moment, and then rushed downstairs, determined that if it were a piece of my own leg, she should still have something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered that three or four elephants were still lying in the field, having been killed by us in the first action two days before. Necessity, thought I, has no law ; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get something better. I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part, assembled. " Men," said I, " our larder is empty ; we must fill it as we did the day before yesterday. Who will follow Gagahan on a foraging party 1 " I expected that, as on former occasions, every man would offer to accompany me. To my astonishment, not a soul moved — a murmur arose among the troops ; and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward. " Captain," he said, "it is of no use ; we cannot feed upon elephants for ever ; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the fort when the attack is made to-morrow. We may as well be prisoners now as then, and we won't go elephant-hunting any more." " Ruffian ! " I said, " he who first talks of surrender, dies ! " and I cut him down. " Is there any one else who wishes to speak ? " No one stirred. " Cowards ! miserable cowards ! " shouted I ; " what, you dare not move for fear of death at the hands of those wretches who even MAJOR GAHAGAN 179 now fled before your arms — what, do I say your arms'? — before mine ! — alone I did it ; and as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the fortress ! Ho ! open the gate ! " I rushed out ; not a single man would follow. The bodies of the elephants that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had fallen, about four hundred yards from the fort. I descended calmly the hill, a very steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of the animals, choosing a tolerably small and plump one, of about thirteen feet high, which the vultures had respected. I threw this animal over my shoulders, and made for the fort. As I marched up the acclivity, whizz — piff — whirr ! came the balls over my head ; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter ! they fell on the body of the elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were behind me ; I knew it, and quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their horse : they came nearer, nearer ; I was within a hundred yards of the fort — seventy — fifty! I strained every nerve; I panted with the superhuman exertion — I ran — could a man run very fast with such a tremendous weight on his shoulders 1 Up came the enemy ; fifty horsemen were shouting and scream- ing at my tail. 0 Heaven ! five yards more — one moment — and I am saved. It is done — I strain the last strain — I make the last step — I fling forward my precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me and it, and — I fall ! The gate thunders to, and I am left on the outside ! Fifty knives are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes — fifty black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims, " Stop ! — kill him not, it is Gujputi ! " A film came over my eyes - — exhausted nature would bear no more. CHAPTER IX SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR WHEN I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found myself in a bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces, and a Hindoo pothukoor (whence our word apothe- cary) feeling my pulse and looking at me with an air of sagacity. " Where am I ? " I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange faces, and the strange apartment which met my view. " Bekhusm ! " said the apothecary. " Silence! Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of those who know his valour, and will save his life." "Know my valour, slave1? Of course you do," said I; "but the fort — the garrison — the elephant — Belinda, my love — my darling — Macgillicuddy — the scoundrelly mutineers — the deal bo " I could say no more ; the painful recollections pressed so heavily upon my poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more. I fainted again, and I know not how long I lay insensible. Again, however, I came to my senses : the pothukoor applied restoratives, and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much refreshed. I had no wound ; my repeated swoons had been brought on (as indeed well they might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying the elephant up a steep hill a quarter of a mile in length. Walk- ing, the task is bad enough : but running, it is the deuce ; and I would recommend any of my readers who may be disposed to try and carry a dead elephant, never, on any account, to go a pace of more than five miles an hour. Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door (plainly indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single old gentleman, richly habited, entered the room. Did my eyes deceive me 1 I had surely seen him before. No — yes — no — yes — it was he : the snowy white beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened to a jelly, and level with the rest of the venerable face, proclaimed him at once to be — Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's Prime Vizier; whose nose, as the reader may recollect, his Highness had flattened with his kaleawn during my interview with him in the Pitan's disguise. I now knew my fate but too well — I was in the hands of Holkar. MAJOR GAHAGAtt 181 Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a mild air of benevolence which distinguished that excellent man (he was torn to pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a difference with Holkar), he came to my bedside, and, taking gently my hand, said, "Life and death, my son, are not ours. Strength is deceitful, valour is unavailing, fame is only wind— the nightingale sings of the rose all night — where is the rose in the morning ? Booch, booch ! it is withered by the frost. The rose makes remarks regarding the nightingale, and where is that de- lightful song-bird? Pena-bekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted, and roasted ! Who knows how misfortune comes 1 It has come to Gahagan Gujputi ! " "It is well," said I stoutly, and in the Malay language. " Gahagan Gujputi will bear it like a man." " No doubt — like a wise man and a brave one ; but there is no lane so long to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which there comes not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry springtime — grief is often succeeded by joy." " Interpret, 0 riddler ! " said I ; " Gahagan Khan is no reader of puzzles — no prating mollah. Gujputi loves not words, but swords." " Listen then, 0 Gujputi : you are in Holkar's power." " I know it." " You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning." " I dare say." "They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your fingers, and your eyes from your head." " Very possibly." " They will flay you alive, and then burn you." "Well; they can't do any more." " They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort " — it was not then taken ! — " and repeat upon them the same tortures." " Ha ! Belinda ! Speak — how can all this be avoided ? " " Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda." " He does, Vizier, to distraction." " Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army 1 " " A captain." " A miserable captain — oh, shame ! Of what creed is he ? " "I am an Irishman, and a Catholic." "But he has not been very particular about his religious duties ? " " Alas, no ! " " He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years 1 " " 'Tis too true." 182 THE TREMENDOUS ADVENTURES OF " Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me to thee. You shall have the moon-face for your wife — your second wife, that is ; — the first shall be the incomparable Putee Rooge, who loves you to madness ; — with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you shall have the wealth and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his Highness intends to get rid. You shall be second in command of his Highness's forces. Look, here is his commission signed with the celestial seal, and attested by the sacred names of the forty-nine Imaums. You have but to renounce your religion and your service, and all these rewards are yours." He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it was beautifully written in Indian ink : I had it for fourteen years, but a rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, washed it, forsooth, and washed off every bit of the writing). I took it calmly, and said, " This is a tempting offer. 0 Vizier, how long wilt thou give me to consider of it ? " After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to give him an answer. My mind, however, was made up — as soon as he was gone, I threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep. At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back : two people were with him ; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the other I did not recognise. It was about midnight. "Have you considered?" said the Vizier, as he came to my couch. " I have," said I, sitting up, — I could not stand, for my legs were tied, and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs. " I have," said I, " unbelieving dogs ! I have. Do you think to pervert a Christian gentleman from his faith and honour ? Ruffian blacka- moors ! do your worst ; heap tortures on this body, they cannot last long. Tear me to pieces : after you have torn me into a certain number of pieces, I shall not feel it ; and if I did, if each torture could last a life, if each limb were to feel the agonies of a whole body, what then 1 I would bear all — all — all — all — all — ALL ! " My breast heaved— my form dilated — my eye flashed as I spoke these words. " Tyrants ! " said I, " dulce et decorum est pro patria mori." Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent. The venerable Grand Vizier turned away ; I saw a tear trickling down his cheeks. " What a constancy ! " said he. " Oh, that such beauty and such bravery should be doomed so soon to quit the earth ! " His tall companion only sneered and said, " And Belinda ?" " Ha ! " said I, " ruffian, be still ! — Heaven will protect her MAJOR GAHAGAN 183 spotless innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest me too ! Who, with his single sword, destroyed thy armies 1 Who, with his pistol, cleft in twain thy nose-ring1? Who slew thy generals 1 Who slew thy elephants ? Three hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle : of these / slew one hundred and thirty-five ! Dog, coward, ruffian, tyrant, unbeliever ! Gahagan hates thee, spurns thee, spits on thee ! " Holkar, as I made these uncomplimentary remarks, gave a scream of rage, and, drawing his scimitar, rushed on to despatch me at once (it was the very thing I wished for), when the third person sprang forward and, seizing his arm, cried — " Papa ! oh, save him ! " It was Puttee Rooge ! " Remember," continued she, "his misfortunes — remember, oh, remember my — love ! " — and here she blushed, and putting one finger into her mouth, and hanging down her head, looked the very picture of modest affection. Holkar sulkily sheathed his scimitar, and muttered, " 'Tis better as it is ; had I killed him now, I had spared him the torture. Nono of this shameless fooling, Puttee Rooge," continued the tyrant, dragging her away. " Captain Gahagan dies three hours from hence." Puttee Rooge gave one scream and fainted — her father and the Vizier carried her off between them ; nor was I loth to part with her, for, with all her love, she was was as ugly as the deuce. They were gone — my fate was decided. I had but three hours more of life : so I flung myself again on the sofa, and fell profoundly asleep. As it may happen to any of my readers to be in the same situation, and to be hanged themselves, let me earnestly entreat them to adopt this plan of going to sleep, which I for my part have repeatedly found to be successful. It saves unnecessary annoyance, it passes away a great deal of unpleasant time, and it prepares one to meet like a man the coming catastrophe. Three o'clock came : the sun was at this time making his appear- ance in the heavens, and with it came the guards, who were ap- pointed to conduct me to the torture. I woke, rose, was carried out, and was set on the very white donkey on which Loll Mahom- med was conducted through the camp after he was bastinadoed. Bobbachy Bahawder rode behind me, restored to his rank and state; troops of cavalry hemmed us in on all sides ; my ass was conducted by the common executioner : a crier went forward, shouting out, " Make way for the destroyer of the faithful — he goes to bear the punishment of his crimes." We came to the fatal plain : it was the very spot whence I had borne away the elephant, and in full sight 184 THE TREMENDOUS ADVEHTURES OF of the fort. I looked towards it. Thank Heaven ! King George's banner waved on it still — a crowd were gathered on the walls — the men, the dastards who had deserted me — and women, too. Among the latter I thought I distinguished one who — 0 gods ! the thought turned me sick — I trembled and looked pale for the first time. " He trembles ! he turns pale," shouted out Bobbachy Bahawder, ferociously exulting over his conquered enemy. " Dog ! " shouted I — (I was sitting with my head to the donkey's tail, and so looked the Bobbachy full in the face) — " not so pale as you looked when I felled you with this arm — not so pale as your women looked when I entered your harem ! " Completely chop- fallen, the Indian ruffian was silent : at any rate, I had done for him. We arrived at the place of execution. A stake, a couple of feet thick and eight high, was driven in the grass : round the stake, about seven feet from the ground, was an iron ring, to which were attached two fetters ; in these my wrists were placed. Two or three execu- tioners stood near, with strange-looking instruments : others were blowing at a fire, over which was a caldron, and in the embers were stuck prongs and other instruments of iron. The crier came forward and read my sentence. It was the same in effect as that which had been hinted to me the day previous by the Grand Vizier. I confess I was too agitated to catch every word that was spoken. Holkar himself, on a tall dromedary, was at a little distance. The Grand Vizier came up to me— it was his duty to stand by, and see the punishment performed. "It is yet time ! " said he. I nodded my head, but did not answer. The Vizier cast up to heaven a look of inexpressible anguish, and with a voice choking with emotion, said, "Executioner — do — your — duty ! " The horrid man advanced — he whispered sulkily in the ears of the Grand Vizier, " Guggly ka ghee, hum khedgeree" said he, " the oil does not boil yet — wait one minute." The assistants blew, the fire blazed, the oil was heated. The Vizier drew a few feet aside : taking a large ladle full of the boiling liquid, he advanced " Whish ! bang, bang ! pop ! " the executioner was dead at my feet, shot through the head ; the ladle of scalding oil had been dashed in the face of the unhappy Grand Vizier, who lay on the plain, howl- ing. " Whish ! bang ! pop ! Hurrah ! — charge ! — forwards ! — cut them down ! — no quarter ! " I saw — yes, no, yes, no, yes ! — I saw regiment upon regiment of MAJOR GAHAGAN 185 galloping British horsemen riding over the ranks of the flying natives. First of the host, I recognised, 0 Heaven ! my AHMEDNUGGAR IRREGULARS ! On came the gallant line of black steeds and horse- men ; swift, swift before them rode my officers in yellow — Glogger, Pappendick, and Stuffle; their sabres gleamed in the sun, their voices rung in the air. " D — — them ! " they cried, " give it them, boys ! " A strength supernatural thrilled through my veins at that delicious music : by one tremendous effort, I wrested the post from its foundation, five feet in the ground. I could not release my hands from the fetters, it is true ; but, grasping the beam tightly, I sprung forward — with one blow I levelled the five executioners in the midst of the fire, their fall upsetting the scalding oil-can ; with the next, I swept the bearers of Bobbachy's palanquin off their legs ; with the third, I caught that chief himself in the small of the back, and sent him flying on to the sabres of my advancing soldiers ! The next minute, Glogger and Stuffle were in my arms, Pappen- dick leading on the Irregulars. Friend and foe in that wild chase had swept far away. We were alone : I was freed from my immense bar ; and ten minutes afterwards, when Lord Lake trotted up with his staff, he found me sitting on it. "Look at Gahagan," said his Lordship. "Gentlemen, did I not tell you we should be sure to find him at his post ? " The gallant old nobleman rode on : and this was the famous BATTLE OF FuRRUCKABAD, or SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR, fought On the 17th of November 1804. About a month afterwards, the following announcement appeared in the Boggleywollah Hurkaru and other Indian papers : — " Married, on the 25th of December, at Futtyghur, by the Rev. Dr. Snorter, Captain Goliah O'Grady Gahagan, Commanding Irregular Horse, Ahmednuggar, to Belinda, second daughter of Major-General Bulcher, C.B. His Excellency the Coinmander-in-Chief gave away the bride ; and after a splendid dejeuner, the happy pair set off to pass the Mango season at Hurrygurrybang. Venus must recollect, however, that Mars must not always be at her side. The Irregulars are nothing without their leader." Such was the paragraph— such the event— the happiest in the existence of G. O'G. G., M.H.E.I.C.S., C.I.H.A. COX'S DIARY COX'S DIARY JANUARY— THE ANNOUNCEMENT ON the 1st of January 1838, I was the master of a lovely shop in the neighbourhood of Oxford Market; of a wife, Mrs. Cox; of a business, both in the shaving and cutting line, established three-and-thirty years ; of a girl and boy respectively of the ages of eighteen and thirteen; of a three-windowed front, both to my first and second pair ; of a young foreman, my present partner, Mr. Orlando Crump; and of that celebrated mixture for the human hair, invented by my late uncle, and called Cox's Bohemian Balsam of Tokay, sold in pots at two-and-three and three- and-nine. The balsam, the lodgings, and the old-established cutting and shaving business brought me in a pretty genteel income. I had my girl, Jemimarann, at Hackney, to school; my dear boy, Tugge- ridge, plaited hair beautifully ; my wife at the counter (behind the tray of patent soaps, &c.) cut as handsome a figure as possible ; and it was my hope that Orlando and my girl, who were mighty soft upon one another, would one day be joined together in Hyming, and, conjointly with my son Tug, carry on the business of hair- dressers when their father was either dead or a gentleman : for a gentleman me and Mrs. C. determined I should be. Jemima was, you see, a lady herself, and of very high connec- tions : though her own family had met with crosses and was rather low. Mr. Tuggeridge, her father, kept the famous tripe-shop near the " Pigtail and Sparrow," in the Whitechapel Road ; from which place I married her; being myself very fond of the article, and especially when she served it to me — the dear thing ! Jemima's father was not successful in business : and I married her, I am proud to confess it, without a shilling. I had my hands, my house, and my Bohemian balsam to support her ! — and we had hopes from her uncle, a mighty rich East India merchant, who, having left this country sixty years ago as a cabin-boy, had arrived to be the head of a great house in India, and was worth millions, we were told. J90 COX'S DIARY Three years after Jemimarann's birth (and two after the death of my lamented father-in-law), Tuggeridge (head of the great house of Budgurow & Co.) retired from the management of it; handed over his shares to his son, Mr. John Tuggeridge, and came to live in England, at Portland Place and Tuggeridgeville, Surrey, and enjoy himself. Soon after, my wife took her daughter in her hand and went, as in duty bound, to visit her uncle : but whether it was that he was proud and surly, or she somewhat sharp in her way (the dear girl fears nobody, let me have you to know), a desperate quarrel took place between them ; and from that day to the day of his death, he never set eyes on her. All that he would condescend to do, was to take a few dozen of lavender-water from us in the course of the year, and to send his servants to be cut and shaved by us. All the neighbours laughed at this poor ending of our expectations, for Jemmy had bragged not a little ; however we did not care, for the connection was always a good one, and we served Mr. Hock, the valet ; Mr. Bar, the coachman ; and Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, willingly enough. I used to powder the footman, too, on great days, but never in my life saw old Tuggeridge, except once : when he said, " Oh, the barber ! " tossed up his nose, and passed on. One day — one famous day last January — all our Market was thrown into a high state of excitement by the appearance of no less than three vehicles at our establishment. As mo, Jemmy, my daughter, Tug, and Orlando were sitting in the back-parlour over our dinner (it being Christmas-time, Mr. Crump had treated the ladies to a bottle of port, and was longing that there should be a mistletoe-bough : at which proposal my little Jemimarann looked as red as a glass of negus) : — we had just, I say, finished the port,, when, all of a sudden, Tug bellows out, "La, pa, here's Uncle Tuggeridge's housekeeper in a cab ! " And Mrs. Breadbasket it was, sure enough — Mrs. Breadbasket in deep mourning, who made her way, bowing and looking very sad, into the back shop. My wife, who respected Mrs. B. more than anything else in the world, set her a chair, offered her a glass of wine, and vowed it was very kind of her to come. " La, mem," says Mr. B., " I'm sure I'd do anything to serve your family, for the sake of that poor dear Tuck-Tuck-tug-guggeridge, that's gone." " That's what ? " cries my wife. " What, gone 1 " cried Jemimarann, bursting out crying (as little girls will about anything or nothing) ; and Orlando looking very rueful, and ready to cry too. "Yes, gaw " Just as she was at this very "gaw," Tug roars out, " La, pa ! here's Mr. Bar, Uncle Tug's coachman ! " THE ANNOUNCEMENT 191 It was Mr. Bar. When she saw him, Mrs. Breadbasket stepped suddenly back into the parlour with my ladies. " What is it, Mr. Bar 1 " says I ; and as quick as thought, I had the towel under his chin, Mr. Bar in the chair, and the whole of his face in a beautiful foam of lather. Mr. Bar made some resistance.— " Don't think of it, Mr. Cox," says he ; " don't trouble yourself, sir," but I lathered away, and never minded. " And what's this melancholy event, sir," says I, "that has spread desolation in your family's bosoms 1 I can feel for your loss, sir — I can feel for your loss." I said so out of politeness, because I served the family, not because Tuggeridge was my uncle — no, as such I disown him. Mr. Bar was just about to speak. "Yes, sir," says he, "my master's gaw " when at the "gaw," in walks Mr. Hock, the own man ! — the finest gentleman I ever saw. " What, you here, Mr. Bar ! " says he. " Yes, I am, sir ; and haven't I a right, sir 1 " "A mighty wet day, sir," says I to Mr. Hock — stepping up and making my bow. " A sad circumstance too, sir ! And is it a turn of the tongs that you want to-day, sir 1 Ho, there, Mr. Cramp ! " " Turn, Mr. Crump, if you please, sir," said Mr. Hock, making a bow; "but from you, sir, never — no, never, split me! — and I wonder how some fellows can have the insolence to allow their MASTERS to shave them ! " With this Mr. Hock flung himself down to be curled : Mr. Bar suddenly opened his mouth in order to reply ; but seeing there was a tiff between the gentlemen, and wanting to prevent a quarrel, I rammed the Advertiser into Mr. Hock's hands, and just popped my shaving-brush into Mr. Bar's mouth — a capital way to stop angry answers. Mr. Bar had hardly been in the chair one second, when whirr comes a hackney-coach to the door, from which springs a gentleman in a black coat with a bag. " What, you here ! " says the gentleman. I could not help smiling, for it seemed that everybody was to begin by saying, " What, you here ! " " Your name is Cox, sir ? " says he, smiling, too, as the very pattern of mine. " My name, sir, is Sharpus, — Blunt, Hone, and Sharpus, Middle Temple Lane, — and I am proud to salute you, sir; happy, — that is to say, sorry to say, that Mr. Tuggeridge, of Portland Place, is dead, and your lady is heiress, in consequence, to one of the handsomest properties in the kingdom." At this I started, and might have sunk to the ground, but for my hold of Mr. Bar's nose ; Orlando seemed putrified to stone, with his irons fixed to Mr Hock's head ; our respective patients gave a 192 COX'S DIARY wince out : — Mrs. C., Jemimarann, and Tug rushed from the back shop, and we formed a splendid tableau such as the great Cruik- shank might have depicted. "And Mr. John Tuggeridge, sir1?" says I. " Why — hee, hee, hee ! " says Mr. Sharpus. " Surely you know that he was only the — hee, hee, hee ! — the natural son ! " You now can understand why the servants from Portland Place had been so eager to come to us. One of the housemaids heard Mr. Sharpus say there was no will, and that my wife was heir to the property, and not Mr. John Tuggeridge : this she told in the house- keeper's room ; and off, as soon as they heard it, the whole party set, in order to be the first to bear the news. We kept them, every one, in their old places ; for, though my wife would have sent them about their business, my dear Jemi- marann just hinted, " Mamma, you know they have been used to great houses, and we have not ; had we not better keep them for a little ? " — Keep them, then, we did, to show us how to be gentlefolks. I handed over the business to Mr. Crump without a single farthing of premium, though Jemmy would have made me take four hundred pounds for it ; but this I was above ; Crump had served me faithfully, and have the shop he should. FEBRUARY— FIRST ROUT WE were speedily installed in our fine house : but what's a house without friends 1 Jemmy made me cut all my old acquaintances in the Market, and I was a solitary being 4, when, luckily, an old acquaintance of ours, Captain Tagrag, was so kind as to promise to introduce us into distinguished society. Tagrag was the son of a baronet, and had done us the honour of lodging with us for two years ; when we lost sight of him, and of his little account, too, by the way. A fortnight after, hearing of our good fortune, he was among us again, however ; and Jemmy was not a little glad to see him, knowing him to be a baronet's son, and very fond of our Jemimarann. Indeed, Orlando (who is as brave as a lion) had on one occasion absolutely beaten Mr. Tagrag for being rude to the poor girl : a clear proof, as Tagrag said afterwards, that he was always fond of her. Mr. Crump, poor fellow, was not very much pleased by our good fortune, though he did all he could to try at first ; and I told him to come and take his dinner regular, as if nothing had happened. But to this Jemima very soon put a stop, for she came very justly to know her stature, and to look down on Crump, which she bid her daughter to do ; and, after a great scene, in which Orlando showed himself very rude and angry, he was forbidden the house — for ever ! So much for poor Crump. The Captain was now all in all with us. "You see, sir," our Jemmy would say, "we shall have our town and country mansion, and a hundred and thirty thousand pounds in the funds, to leave between our two children ; and, with such prospects, they ought surely to have the first society of England." To this Tagrag agreed, and promised to bring us acquainted with the very pink of the fashion ; ay, and what's more, did. First, he made my wife get an opera-box, and give suppers on Tuesdays and Saturdays. As for me, he made me ride in the Park : me and Jemimarann, with two grooms behind us, who used to laugh all the way, and whose very beards I had shaved. As for little Tug, he was sent straight off to the most fashionable school in the kingdom, the Reverend Dr. Pigney's, at Richmond. 3 N 194 COX'S DIARY Well, the horses, the suppers, the opera-box, the paragraphs in the papers about Mr. Coxe Coxe (that's the way : double your name and stick an " e " to the end of it, and you are a gentleman at once), had an effect in a wonderfully short space of time, and we began to get a very pretty society about us. Some of old Tug's friends swore they would do anything for the family, and brought their wives and daughters to see dear Mrs. Coxe and her charming girl ; and when, about the first week in February, we announced a grand dinner and ball for the evening of the twenty-eighth, I assure you there was no want of company : no, nor of titles neither ; and it always does my heart good even to hear one mentioned. Let me see. There was, first, my Lord Dunboozle, an Irish peer, and his seven sons, the Honourable Messieurs Trumper (two only to dinner) ; there was Count Mace, the celebrated French nobleman, and his Excellency Baron von Punter from Baden ; there was Lady Blanche Bluenose, the eminent literati, author of " The Distrusted," " The Distorted," "The Disgusted," " The Disreputable One," and other poems ; there was the Dowager Lady Max and her daughter, the Honourable Miss Adelaide Blueruin; Sir Charles Codshead, from the City ; and Field-Marshal Sir Gorman O'Gallagher, K.A., KB., K.C., K.W., K.X., in the service of the Republic of Guatemala; my friend Tagrag and his fashionable acquaintance, little Tom Tufthunt, made up the party. And when the doors were flung open, and Mr. Hock, in black, with a white napkin, three footmen, coachman, and a lad whom Mrs. C. had dressed in sugar- loaf buttons and called a page, were seen round the dinner-table, all in white gloves, I promise you I felt a thrill of elation, and thought to myself — Sam Cox, Sam Cox, who ever would have expected to see you here? After dinner, there was to be, as I said, an evening party ; and to this Messieurs Tagrag and Tufthunt had invited many of the principal nobility that our metropolis had produced. When I mention, among the company to tea, her Grace the Duchess of Zero, her son the Marquis of Fitzurse, and the Ladies North Pole her daughters ; when I say that there were yet others, whose names may be found in the Blue Book, and shan't, out of modesty, be mentioned here, I think I've said enough to show that, in our time, No. 96 Portland Place was the resort of the best of company. It was our first dinner, and dressed by our new cook, Munseer Cordongblew. I bore it very well; eating, for my share, a filly dysol allamater dotell, a cutlet soubeast, a pully bashymall, and other French dishes : and, for the frisky sweet wine, with tin tops to the bottles, called champang, I must say that me and Mrs. Ccxe-Tuggeridge Coxe drank a very good share of it (but the claret FIRST ROUT 195 and Jonnysberger, being sour, we did not much relish). However, the feed, as I say, went off very well : Lady Blanche Bluenose sitting next to me, and being so good as to put me down for six copies of all her poems ; the Count and Baron von Punter engaging Jemimarann for several waltzes, and the Field-Marshal plying my dear Jemmy with champang, until, bless her ! her dear nose be- came as red as her new crimson satin gown, which, with a blue turban and bird-of-paradise feathers, made her look like an empress, I warrant. Well, dinner past, Mrs. C. and the ladies went off: — thunder- under-under came the knocks at the door; squeedle-eedle-eedle, Mr. Wippert's fiddlers began to strike up; and, about half-past eleven, me and the gents thought it high time to make our appear- ance. I felt a little squeamish at the thought of mating a couple of hundred great people ; but Count Mace and Sir Gorman O'Gallagher taking each an arm, we reached, at last, the drawing-room. The young ones in company were dancing, and the Duchess and the great ladies were all seated, talking to themselves very stately, and working away at the ices and macaroons. I looked out for my pretty Jemimarann amongst the dancers, and saw her tearing round the room along with Baron Punter, in what they call a gallypard ; then I peeped into the circle of the Duchesses, where, in course, I expected to find Mrs. C. ; but she wasn't there ! She was seated at the further end of the room, looking very sulky ; and I went up and took her arm, and brought her down to the place where the Duchesses were. " Oh, not there ! " said Jemmy, trying to break away. "Nonsense, my dear," says I : "you are missis, and this is your place." Then going up to her Ladyship the Duchess, says I, "Me and my missis are most proud of the honour of seeing of you." The Duchess (a tall red-haired grenadier of a woman) did not speak. I went on : " The young ones are all at it, ma'am, you see ; and so we thought we would come and sit down among the old ones. You and I, ma'am, I think, are too stiff to dance." " Sir ! " says her Grace. "Ma'am," says I, "don't you know me? My name's Coxe. Nobody's introduced me; but dash it, it's my own house, and I may present myself — so give us your hand, ma'am." And I shook hers in the kindest way in the world : but — would you believe it ? — the old cat screamed as if my hand had been a hot 'tater. " Fitzurse ! Fitzurse ! " shouted she, " help ! help ! " Up scuffled all the other Dowagers — in rushed the dancers. "Mamma ' mamma!" squeaked Lady Julia North Pole. "Lead me to mf 196 COX'S DIARY mother," howled Lady Aurorer : and both came up and flung them- selves into her arms. "Wawt's the rawl" said Lord Fitzurse, sauntering up quite stately. " Protect me from the insults of this man," says her Grace. "Where's Tufthunt? he promised that not a soul in this house should speak to me." " My clear Duchess," said Tufthunt, very meek. " Don't Duchess me, sir. Did you not promise they should not speak, and hasn't that horrid tipsy wretch offered to embrace me 1 Didn't his monstrous wife sicken me with her odious familiarities ? Call my people, Tufthunt ! Follow me, my children ! " " And my carriage ! " " And mine ! " " And mine ! " shouted twenty more voices. And down they all trooped to the hall : Lady Blanche Bluenose and Lady Max among the very first ; leaving only the Field-Marshal and one or two men, who roared with laughter ready to split. "Oh, Sam," said my wife, sobbing, "why would you take me back to them 1 they had sent me away before ! I only asked the Duchess whether she didn't like rum-shrub better than all your Maxarinos and Curasosos : and — would you believe it ?— all the company burst out laughing ; and the Duchess told me just to keep off, and not to speak till I was spoken to. Imperence ! I'd like to tear her eyes out." And so I do believe my dearest Jemmy would ! MARCH— A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS OUR ball had failed so completely that Jemmy, who was bent still upon fashion, caught eagerly at Tagrag's suggestion, and went down to Tuggeridgeville. If we had a difficulty to find friends in town, here there was none : for the whole county came about us, ate our dinners and suppers, danced at our balls — ay, and spoke to us too. We were great people in fact : I a regular country gentleman ; and as such Jemmy insisted that I should be a sportsman, and join the county hunt. " But," says I, " my love, I can't ride." " Pooh ! Mr. 0.," said she, " you're always making difficulties : you thought you couldn't dance a quadrille ; you thought you couldn't dine at seven o'clock ; you thought you couldn't lie in bed after six; and haven't you done every one of these things'? You must and you shall ride ! " And when my Jemmy said " must and shall," I knew very well there was nothing for it : so I sent down fifty guineas to the hunt, and, out of compliment to me, the very next week, I received notice that the meet of the hounds would take place at Squashtail Common, just outside my lodge-gates. I didn't know what a meet was ; and me and Mrs. C. agreed that it was most probable the dogs were to be fed there. However, Tagrag explained this matter to us, and very kindly promised to sell me a horse, a delightful animal of his own ; which, being desperately pressed for money, he would let me have for a hundred guineas, he himself having given a hundred and fifty for it. Well, the Thursday came : the hounds met on Squashtail Common ; Mrs. C. turned out in her barouche to see us throw off ; and, being helped up on my chestnut horse, Trumpeter, by Tagrag and my head groom, I came presently round to join them. Tag mounted his own horse; and, as we walked down the avenue, " I thought," he said, " you told me you knew how to ride ; and that you had ridden once fifty miles on a stretch ! " " And so I did," says I, "to Cambridge, and on the box too." "On the box!" says he; "but did you ever mount a horse before?" " Never," says I, " but I find it mighty easy." "Well," says he, "you're mighty bold for a barber; and I like you, Coxe, for your spirit." And so we came out of the gate. 198 COX'S DIARY As for describing the hunt, I own, fairly, I can't. I've been at a hunt, but what a hunt is — why the horses will go among the dogs and ride them down — why the men cry out " yooooic " — why the dogs go snuffing about in threes and fours, and the huntsman says, " Good Towler — good Betsy," and we all of us after him say, " Good Towler — good Betsy " in course : then, after hearing a yelp here and a howl there, tow, row, yow, yow, yow ! burst out, all of a sudden, from three or four of them, and the chap in a velvet cap screeches out (with a number of oaths I shan't repeat here), " Hark, to Ringwood ! " and then, " There he goes ! " says some one ; and all of a sudden, helter skelter, skurry hurry, slap bang, whooping, screeching and hurraing, blue-coats and red-coats, bays and greys, horses, dogs, donkeys, butchers, baro-knights, dustmen, and black- guard boys, go tearing all together over the common after two or three of the pack that yowl loudest. Why all this is, I can't say ; but it all took place the second Thursday of last March in my presence. Up to this, I'd kept my seat as well as the best, for we'd only been trotting gently about the field until the dogs found ; and I managed to stick on very well ; but directly the tow-rowing began, off went Trumpeter like a thunderbolt, and I found myself playing among the dogs like the donkey among the chickens. " Back, Mr. Coxe," holloas the huntsman ; and so I pulled very hard, and cried out, " Wo ! " but he wouldn't ; and on I went galloping for the dear life. How I kept on is a wonder ; but I squeezed my knees in very tight, and shoved my feet very hard into the stirrups, and kept stiff hold of the scruff of Trumpeter's neck, and looked betwixt his ears as well as ever I could, and trusted to luck : for I was in a mortal fright, sure enough, as many a better man would be in such a case, let alone a poor hairdresser. As for the hounds, after my first riding in among them, I tell you honestly, I never saw so much as the tip of one of their tails ; nothing in this world did I see except Trumpeter's dun-coloured mane, and that I gripped firm : riding, by the blessing of luck, safe through the walking, the trotting, the galloping, and never so much as getting a tumble. There was a chap at Croydon very well known as the " Spicy Dustman," who, when he could get no horse to ride to the hounds, turned regularly out on his donkey ; and on this occasion made one of us. He generally managed to keep up with the dogs by trotting quietly through the cross-roads, and knowing the country well. Well, having a good guess where the hounds would find, and the line that sly Reynolds (as they call the fox) would take, the Spicy Dustman turned his animal down the lane from Squashtail to A DAY WITH THE SURREY HOUNDS 199 Cutshins Common; across which, sure enough, came the whole hunt. There's a small hedge and a remarkably fine ditch here : some of the leading chaps took both, in gallant style ; others went round by a gate, and so would I, only I couldn't; for Trumpeter would have the hedge, and be hanged to him, and went right for it. Hoop ! if ever you did try a leap ! Out go your legs, out fling your arms, off goes your hat ; and the next thing you feel — that is, / did — is a most tremendous thwack across the chest, and my feet jerked out of the stirrups : me left in the branches of a tree ; Trumpeter gone clean from under me, and walloping and floundering in the ditch underneath. One of the stirrup-leathers had caught in a stake, and the horse couldn't get away : and neither of us, I thought, ever would have got away : but all of a sudden, who should come up the lane but the Spicy Dustman ! " Holloa ! " says I, " you gent, just let us down from this here tree ! " "Lor' ! " says he, " I'm blest if I didn't take you for a robin." " Let's down," says I ; but he was all the time employed in dis- engaging Trumpeter, whom he got out of the ditch, trembling and as quiet as possible. " Let's down," says I. " Presently," says he ; and taking off his coat, he begins whistling and swishing down Trumpeter's sides and saddle ; and when he had finished, what do you think the rascal did 1 — he just quietly mounted on Trumpeter's back, and shouts out, " Git down yourself, old Bearsgrease ; you've only to drop ! I'll give your 'oss a hairing arter them 'ounds ; and you — vy, you may ride back my pony to Tuggeridgeweal ! " And with this, I'm blest if he didn't ride away, leaving me holding, as for the dear life, and expecting every minute the branch would break. It did break too, and down I came into the slush ; and when I got out of it, I can tell you I didn't look much like the Venuses or the Apoller Belvidearis what I used to dress and titivate up for my shop window when I was in the hairdressing line, or smell quite so elegant as our rose-oil. Faugh ; what a figure I was ! I had nothing for it but to mount the dustman's donkey (which was very quietly cropping grass in the hedge), and to make my way home ; and after a weary, weary journey, I arrived at my own gate. A whole party was assembled there. Tagrag, who had come back ; their Excellencies Mace and Punter, who were on a visit ; and a number of horses walking up and down before the whole of the gentlemen of the hunt, who had come in after losing their fox ! " Here's Squire Coxe ! " shouted the grooms. Out rushed the servants, out poured the gents of the hunt, and on trotted poor me, digging into the donkey, and everybody dying with laughter at me. Just as I got up to the door, a horse came galloping up, and 200 COX'S DIARY passed me ; a man jumped down, and taking off a fantail hat, came up, very gravely, to help me down. " Squire," says he, " how came you by that there hanimal] Jist git down, will you, and give it to its howner 1 " " Rascal ! " says I, " didn't you ride off on my horse 1 " " Was there ever sich ingratitude 1 " says the Spicy. " I found this year 'oss in a pond, I saves him from drowning, I brings him back to his master, and he calls me a rascal ! " The grooms, the gents, the ladies in the balcony, my own servants, all set up a roar at this ; and so would I, only I was so deucedly ashamed, as not to be able to laugh just then. And so my first day's hunting ended. Tagrag and the rest declared I showed great pluck, and wanted me to try again ; but " No," says I, " I have been." APRIL— THE FINISHING TOUCH I WAS always fond of billiards ; and, in former days, at Grogram's in Greek Street, where a few jolly lads of my acquaintance used to meet twice a week for a game, and a snug pipe and beer, I was generally voted the first man of the club ; and could take five from John the marker himself. I had a genius, in fact, for the game ; and now that I was placed in that station of life where I could cultivate my talents, I gave them full play, and improved amazingly. I do say that I think myself as good a hand as any chap in England. The Count and his Excellency Baron von Punter were, I can tell you, astonished by the smartness of my play ; the first two or three rubbers Punter beat me, but when I came to know his game, I used to knock him all to sticks ; or, at least, win six games to his four; and such was the betting upon me, his Excellency losing large sums to the Count, who knew what play was, and used to back me. I did not play except for shillings, so my skill was of no great service to me. One day I entered the billiard-room where these three gentle- men were high in words. " The thing shall not be done," I heard Captain Tagrag say, " I won't stand it." " Vat, begause you would have de bird all to yourself, hey ? " said the Baron. "You sail not have a single fezare of him, begar," said the Count : " ve vill blow you, Monsieur de Taguerague ; parole d'honneur, ve vill." " What's all this, gents," says I, stepping in, " about birds and feathers 1 " "Oh," says Tagrag, "we were talking about — about —pigeon- shooting ; the Count here says he will blow a bird all to pieces at twenty yards, and I said I wouldn't stand it, because it was regular murder." " Oh, yase, it was bidgeon-shooting," cries the Baron : " and I know no better sbort. Have you been bidgeon-shooting, my dear Squire 1 De fon is gabidal." " No doubt," says I, " for the shooters, but mighty bad sport 202 COX'S DIARY for the pigeon" And this joke set them all a-laughing ready to die. I didn't know then what a good joke it was, neither ; but I gave Master Baron, that day, a precious good beating, and walked off with no less than fifteen shillings of his money. As a sporting man, and a man of fashion, I need not say that I took in the Flare-up regularly ; ay, and wrote one or two trifles in that celebrated publication (one of my papers, which Tagrag sub- scribed for me, Philo-pestitiseamicus, on the proper sauce for teal and widgeon — -and the other, signed Scru-tatos, on the best means of cultivating the kidney species of that vegetable — made no small noise at the time, and got me in the paper a compliment from the editor). I was a constant reader of the Notices to Correspondents, and, my early education having been rayther neglected (for I was taken from my studies and set, as is the custom in our trade, to practise on a sheep's head at the tender age of nine years, before I was allowed to venture on the humane countenance), — I say, being thus curtailed and cut off in my classical learning, I must confess I managed to pick up a pretty smattering of genteel information from that treasury of all sorts of knowledge ; at least sufficient to make me a match in learning for all the noblemen and gentlemen who came to our house. Well, on looking over the Flare-up Notices to Correspondents, I read, one day last April, among the Notices, as follows : — " * Automodon.' — We do not know the precise age of Mr. Baker, of Covent Garden Theatre : nor are we aware if that celebrated son of Thespis is a married man. " ' Ducks and Green-peas ' is informed, that when A plays his rook to B's second Knight's square, and B, moving two squares with his Queen's pawn, gives check to his adversary's Queen, there is no reason why B's Queen should not take A's pawn, if B be so inclined. " ' F. L. S.' — We have repeatedly answered the question about Madame Vestris : her maiden name was Bartolozzi, and she married the son of Charles Mathews, the celebrated comedian. " ' Fair Play.' — The best amateur billiard and e'carte' player in England is Coxe-Tuggeridge Coxe, Esq., of Portland Place, and Tuggeridgeville : Jonathan, who knows his play, can only give him two in a game of a hundred; and, at the cards, no man is his superior. Verbum sap. " ' Scipio Americanus ' is a blockhead." I read this out to the Count and Tagrag, and both of them wondered how the Editor of that tremendous Flare-up should get . V THE FINISHING TOUCH log such information ; and both agreed that the Baron, who still piqued himself absurdly on his play, would be vastly annoyed by seeing me preferred thus to himself. We read him the paragraph, and preciously angry he was. " Id is," he cried, " the tables " (or " de dabels" as he called them), — "de horrid dables; gom viz me to London, and dry a slate-table, and I vill beat you." We all roared at this ; and the end of the dispute was, that, just to satisfy the fellow, I agreed to play his Excellency at slate-tables, or any tables he chose. "Gut," says he, "gut; I lif, you know, at Abednego's, in de Quadrant ; his dabels is goot ; ve vill blay dere, if you vill." And I said I would : and it was agreed that, one Saturday night, when Jemmy was at the Opera, we should go to the Baron's rooms, and give him a chance. We went, and the little Baron had as fine a supper as ever I saw : lots of champang (and I didn't mind drinking it), and plenty of laughing and fun. Afterwards, down we went to billiards. " Is dish Misther Coxsh, de shelebrated player 1" says Mr. Abednego, who was in the room, with one or two gentlemen of his own per- suasion, and several foreign noblemen, dirty, snuffy, and hairy, as them foreigners are. " Is dish Misther Coxsh ? blesh my hart ; it is a honer to see you ; I have heard so much of your play." " Come, come," says I, " sir " — for I'm pretty wide awake — " none of your gammon ; you're not going to hook me." " No, begar, dis fish you not catch," says Count Mace. " Dat is gut !— haw ! haw ! " snorted the Baron. " Hook him ! Lieber Himmel, you might dry and hook me as well. Haw ! Haw ! " Well, we went to play. " Five to four on Coxe," screams out the Count. — " Done and done," says another nobleman. " Ponays," says the Count. — " Done," says the nobleman. " I vill take your six crowns to four," says the Baron. — " Done," says I. And, in the twinkling of an eye, I beat him ; once making thirteen off the balls without stopping. We had some more wine after this ; and if you could have seen the long faces of the other noblemen, as they pulled out their pencils and wrote I.O.U.'s for the Count ! " Va toujours, mon cher," says he to me, " you have von for me three hundred pounds." " I'll blay you guineas dis time," says the Baron. " Zeven to four you must give me though." And so I did ; and in ten minutes that game was won, and the Baron handed over his pounds. " Two hundred and sixty more, my dear, dear Coxe," says the Count; " you are mon ange gardien ! " " Wot a flat Misther Coxsh is, not to back his luck," I heard Abednego whisper to one of the foreign noblemen. 204 COX'S DIARY "I'll take your seven to four, in tens," said I to the Baron. " Give me three," says he, " and done." I gave him three, and lost the game by one. "Dobbel, or quits," says he. "Go it," says I, up to my mettle : " Sam Coxe never says no ; " — and to it we went. I went in, and scored eighteen to his five. "Holy Moshesh ! " says Abednego, " dat little Coxsh is a vonder ! who'll take odds 1 " " I'll give twenty to one," says I, " in guineas." " Ponays ! yase, done," screams out the Count. " Bonies, done," roars out the Baron : and, before I could speak, went in, and — would you believe it 1 — in two minutes he somehow made the game ! Oh, what a figure I cut when my dear Jemmy heard of this afterwards ! In vain I swore it was guineas : the Count and the Baron swore to ponies; and when I refused, they both said their honour was concerned, and they must have my life, or their money. So when the Count showed me actually that, in spite of this bet (which had been too good to resist) won from me, he had been a very heavy loser by the night ; and brought me the word of honour of Abednego, his Jewish friend, and the foreign noblemen, that ponies had been betted ; — why, I paid them one thousand pounds sterling of good and lawful money. — But I've not played for money since : no, no ; catch me at that again if you can. MAY— A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA NO lady is a lady without having a box at the Opera : so my Jemmy, who knew as much about music, — bless her ! — as I do about Sanscrit, algebra, or any other foreign language, took a prime box on the second tier. It was what they called a double box ; it really could hold two, that is, very comfortably ; and we got it a great bargain — for five hundred a year ! Here, Tuesdays and Saturdays, we used regularly to take our places, Jemmy and Jemimarann sitting in front ; me, behind : but as my dear wife used to wear a large fantail gauze hat with ostrich feathers, birds-of-paradise, artificial flowers, and tags of muslin or satin, scattered all over it, I'm blest if she didn't fill the whole of the front of the box; and it was only by jumping and dodging, three or four times in the course of the night, that I could manage to get a sight of the actors. By kneeling down, and looking steady under my darling Jemmy's sleeve, I did contrive, every now and then, to have a peep of Senior Lablash's boots, in the " Puritanny," and once actually saw Madame Greasi's crown and head-dress in " Annybalony." What a place that Opera is, to be sure ! and what enjoyments us aristocracy used to have ! Just as you have swallowed down your three courses (three curses I used to call them ; — for so, indeed, they are, causing a great deal of heartburns, headaches, doctor's bills, pills, want of sleep, and such like) — just, I say, as you get down your three courses, which I defy any man to enjoy properly unless he has two hours of drink and quiet afterwards, up comes the carriage, in bursts my Jemmy, as fine as a duchess, and scented like our shop. "Come, my dear," says she, "it's 'Normy' to- night " (or " Annybalony," or the " Nosey di Figaro," or the " Gazzylarder," as the case may be). " Mr. Coster strikes off punctually at eight, and you know it's the fashion to be always present at the very first bar of the aperture." And so off we are obliged to budge, to be miserable for five hours and to have a headache for the next twelve, and all because it's the fashion ! After the aperture, as they call it, comes the opera, which, as I am given to understand, is the Italian for singing. Why they 206 COX'S DIARY should sing in Italian, I can't conceive; or why they should do nothing but sing. Bless us ! how I used to long for the wooden magpie in the " Gazzy larder " to fly up to the top of the church- steeple, with the silver spoons, and see the chaps with the pitchforks come in and carry off that wicked Don June. Not that I don't admire Lablash, and Rubini, and his brother, Tomrubini : him who has that fine bass voice, I mean, and acts the Corporal in the first piece, and Don June in the second ; but three hours is a little too much, for you can't sleep on those little rickety seats in the boxes. The opera is bad enough ; but what is that to the bally 1 You should have seen my Jemmy the first night when she stopped to see it ; and when Madamsalls Fanny and Theresa Hustler came forward, along with a gentleman, to dance, you should have seen how Jemmy stared, and our girl blushed, when Madamsall Fanny, coming forward, stood on the tips of only five of her toes, and raising up the other five, and the foot belonging to them, almost to her shoulder, twirled round, and round, and round, like a teetotum, for a couple of minutes or more ; and as she settled down, at last, on both feet, in a natural decent posture, you should have heard how the house roared with applause, the boxes clapping with all their might, and waving their handkerchiefs ; the pit shouting " Bravo ! " Some, people, who, I suppose, were rather angry at such an exhibition, threw bunches of flowers at her ; and what do you think she did 1 Why, hang me, if she did not come forward, as though nothing had happened, gather up the things they had thrown at her, smile, press them to her heart, and begin whirling round again, faster than ever. Talk about coolness, / never saw such in all my born days. " Nasty thing ! " says Jemmy, starting up in a fury ; " if women will act so, it serves them right to be treated so." " Oh yes ! she acts beautifully," says our friend his Excellency, who, along with Baron von Punter and Tagrag, used very seldom to miss coming to our box. " She may act very beautifully, Munseer, but she don't dress so ; and I am very glad they threw that orange-peel and all those things at her, and that the people waved to her to get off." Here his Excellency, and the Baron and Tag, set up a roar of laughter. " My dear Mrs. Coxe," says Tag, " those are the most famous dancers in the world; and we throw myrtle, geraniums, and lilies and roses at them, in token of our immense admiration ! " " Well, I never ! " said my wife ; and poor Jemimarann slunk behind the curtain, and looked as red as it almost. After, the one had done, the next began ; but when, all of a sudden, a somebody A NEW DROP-SCENE AT THE OPERA 207 came skipping and bounding in like an Indian-rubber ball, flinging itself up at least six feet from the stage, and there shaking about its legs like mad, we were more astonished than ever ! " That's Anatole," says one of the gentlemen. " Anna who ? " says my wife ; and she might well be mistaken : for this person had a hat and feathers, a bare neck and arms, great black ringlets, and a little calico frock, which came down to the knees. " Anatole. You would not think he was sixty-three years old, he's as active as a man of twenty." "He/" shrieked out my wife; "what, is that there a man] For shame, Munseer! Jemimarann, dear, get your cloak, and come along; and I'll thank you, my dear, to call our people, and let us go home." You wouldn't think, after this, that my Jemmy, who had shown such a horror at the bally, as they call it, should ever grow accustomed to it ; but she liked to hear her name shouted out in the crush-room, and so would stop till the end of everything ; and, law bless you ! in three weeks from that time, she could look at the bally as she would at a dancing-dog in the streets, and would bring her double- barrelled opera-glass up to her eyes as coolly as if she had been a born duchess. As for me, I did at Rome as Rome does ; and precious fun it used to be, sometimes. My friend the Baron insisted one night on my going behind the scenes ; where, being a subscriber, he said I had what they call my ontray. Behind, then, I went; and such a place you never saw nor heard of ! Fancy lots of young and old gents of the fashion crowding round and staring at the actresses practising their steps. Fancy yellow snuffy foreigners, chattering always, and smelling fear- fully of tobacco. Fancy scores of Jews, with hooked noses and black muzzles, covered with rings, chains, sham diamonds, and gold waistcoats. Fancy old men dressed in old nightgowns, with knock- knees, and dirty flesh-coloured cotton stockings, and dabs of brickdust on their wrinkled old chops, and tow-wigs (such wigs !) for the bald ones, and great tin spears in their hands mayhap, or else shepherd's crooks, and fusty garlands of flowers made of red and green baize. Fancy troops of girls giggling, chattering, pushing to and fro, amidst old black canvas, Gothic halls, thrones, pasteboard, Cupids, dragons, and such like. Such dirt, darkness, crowd, confusion and gabble of all conceivable languages was never known ! If you could but have seen Munseer Anatole ! Instead of looking twenty he looked a thousand. The old man's wig was off, and a barber was giving it a touch with the tongs ; Munseer was taking snuff himself, and a boy was standing by with a pint of beer from the public-house at the corner of Charles Street. 208 COX'S DIARY I met with a little accident during the three-quarters of an hour which they allow for the entertainment of us men of fashion on the stage, before the curtain draws up for the bally, while the ladies in the boxes are gaping, and the people in the pit are drumming with their feet and canes in the rudest manner possible, as though they couldn't wait. Just at the moment before the little bell rings and the curtain flies up, and we scuffle off to the sides (for we always stay till the very last moment), I was in the middle of the stage, making myself very affable to the fair figgerantys which was spinning and twirling about me, and asking them if they wasn't cold, and such like polite- ness, in the most condescending way possible, when a bolt was suddenly withdrawn, and down I popped, through a trap in the stage, into the place below. Luckily, I was stopped by a piece of machinery, consisting of a heap of green blankets, and a young lady coming up as Venus rising from the sea. If I had not fallen so soft, I don't know what might have been the consequence of the collusion. I never told Mrs. Coxe, for she can't bear to hear of my paying the least attention to the fair sex. JUNE— STRIKING- A BALANCE NEXT door to us, in Portland Place, lived the Right Honour- able the Earl of Kilblazes, of Kilmacrasy Castle, county Kil- dare, and his mother, the Dowager Countess. Lady Kilblazes had a daughter, Lady Juliana Matilda Mac Turk, of the exact age of our dear Jemimaranri ; and a son, the Honourable Arthur Wel- lington Anglesey Blucher Bulow Mac Turk, only ten months older than our boy Tug. My darling Jemmy is a woman of spirit, and, as become her station, made every possible attempt to become acquainted with the Dowager Countess of Kilblazes, which her Ladyship (because, forsooth, she was the daughter of the Minister, and Prince of Wales's great friend, the Earl of Portansherry) thought fit to reject. I don't wonder at my Jemmy growing so angry with her, and determining, in every way, to put her Ladyship down. The Kilblazes estate is • not so large as the Tuggeridge property by two thousand a year at least ; and so my wife, when our neighbours kept only two footmen, was quite authorised in having three; and she made it a point, as soon as ever the Kilblazes' carriage-and-pair came round, to have out her own carriage-and-four. Well, our box was next to theirs at the Opera ; only twice as big. Whatever masters went to Lady Juliana, came to my Jemimar- ann ; and what do you think Jemmy did 1 she got her celebrated governess, Madame de Flicflac, away from the Countess, by offering a double salary. It was quite a treasure, they said, to have Madame Flicflac : she had been (to support her father, the Count, when he emigrated) a French dancer at the Italian Opera. French dancing, and Italian, therefore, we had at once, and in the best style : it is astonishing how quick and well she used to speak — the French especially. Master Arthur Mac Turk was at the famous school of the Reverend Clement Coddler, along with a hundred and ten other young fashionables, from the age of three to fifteen ; and to this establishment Jemmy sent our Tug, adding forty guineas to the hundred and twenty paid every year for the boarders. I think I no COX'S DIARY found out the dear soul's reason ; for, one day, speaking about the school to a mutual acquaintance of ours and the Kilblazes, she whispered to him that " she never would have thought of sending her darling boy at the rate which her next-door neighbours paid ; their lad, she was sure, must be starved : however, poor people, they did the best they could on their income ! " Coddler's, in fact, was the tiptop school near London : he had been tutor to the Duke of Buekminster, who had set him up in the school, and, as I tell you, all the peerage and respectable commoners came to it. You read in the bill (the snopsis, I think, Coddler called it), after the account of the charges for board, masters, extras, &c. — " Every young nobleman (or gentleman) is expected to bring a knife, fork, spoon, and goblet of silver (to prevent breakage), which will not be returned ; a dressing-gown and slippers ; toilet-box, pomatum, curling-irons, &c. &c. The pupil must on NO ACCOUNT be allowed to have more than ten guineas of pocket-money, unless his parents particularly desire it, or he be above fifteen years of age. Wine will be an extra charge ; as are warm, vapour, and douche baths. Carriage exercise will be provided at the rate of fifteen guineas per quarter. It is earnestly requested that no young noble- man (or gentleman) be allowed to smoke. In a place devoted to the cultivation of polite literature, such an ignoble enjoyment were profane. " CLEMENT CODDLER, M.A., " Chaplain and late Tutor to his Grace the Duke of Buckminster. "MOUNT PARNASSUS, RICHMOND, SURREY." To this establishment our Tug was sent. " Recollect, my dear," said his mamma, " that you are a Tuggeridge by birth, and that I expect you to beat all the boys in the school; especially that Wellington Mac Turk, who, though he is a lord's son, is nothing to you, who are the heir of Tuggeridge ville." Tug was a smart young fellow enough, and could cut and curl as well as any young chap of his age : he was not a bad hand at a wig either, and could shave, too, very prettily ; but that was in the old time, when we were not great people : when he came to be a gentleman, he had to learn Latin and Greek, and had a deal of lost time to make up for, on going to school. However, we had no fear ; for the Reverend Mr. Coddler used STRIKING A BALANCE 211 to send monthly accounts of his pupil's progress, and if Tug was not a wonder of the world, I don't know who was. It was — General behaviour .... excellent. English ...... very good. French . . . . . . tres bien. Latin . ..... optime. And so on : — he possessed all the virtues, and wrote to us every month for money. My dear Jemmy and I determined to go and see him, after he had been at school a quarter ; we went, and were shown by Mr. Coddler, one of the meekest smilingest little men I ever saw, into the bedrooms and eating-rooms (the dromitaries and refractories he called them), which were all as comfortable as com- fortable might be. " It is a holiday to-day," said Mr. Coddler ; and a holiday it seemed to be. In the dining-room were half-a-dozen young gentlemen playing at cards (" All tip-top nobility," observed Mr. Coddler) ; — in the bedrooms there was only one gent : he was lying on his bed, reading novels and smoking cigars. " Extra- ordinary genius ! " whispered Coddler. " Honourable Tom Fitz- Warter, cousin of Lord Byron's ; smokes all day ; and has written the sweetest poems you can imagine. Genius, my dear madam, you know — genius must have its way." "Well, upon my word," says Jemmy, "if that's genius, I had rather that Master Tuggeridge Coxe Tuggeridge remained a dull fellow." " Impossible, my dear madam," said Coddler. " Mr. Tuggeridge Coxe couldn't be stupid if he tried" Just then up comes Lord Claude Lollypop, third son of the Marquis of Allycompane. We were introduced instantly : " Lord Claude Lollypop, Mr. and Mrs. Coxe." The little lord wagged his head, my wife bowed very low, and so did Mr. Coddler ; who, as he saw my Lord making for the playground, begged him to show us the way. — " Come along," says my Lord ; and as he walked before us, whistling, we had leisure to remark the beautiful holes in his jacket, and elsewhere. About twenty young noblemen (and gentlemen) were gathered round a pastrycook's shop at the end of the green. "That's the grub-shop," said my Lord, "where we young gentlemen wot has money buys our wittles, and them young gentlemen wot has none, goes tick." Then we passed a poor red-haired usher sitting on a bench alone. "That's Mr. Hicks, the Husher, ma'am," says my Lord. "We keep him, for he's very useful to throw stones at, and he keeps the chaps' coats when there's a fight, or a game at cricket. — 212 COX'S DIARY Well, Hicks, how's your mother1? what's the row now?" "I believe, my Lord," said the usher, very meekly, "there is a pugilistic encounter somewhere on the premises — the Honourable Mr. Mac " " Oh ! come along," said Lord Lollypop, " come along : this way, ma'am ! Go it, ye cripples ! " And my Lord pulled my dear Jemmy's gown in the kindest and most familiar way, she trotting on after him, mightily pleased to be so taken notice of, and I after her. A little boy went running across the green. "Who is it, Petitoes ? " screams my Lord. " Turk and the barber," pipes Petitoes, and runs to the pastrycook's like mad. " Turk and the ba ," laughs out my Lord, looking at us. "Hurra! this way, ma'am ! " And turning round a corner, he opened a door into a courtyard, where a number of boys were collected, and a great noise of shrill voices might be heard. " Go it, Turk ! " says one. " Go it, barber!" says another. "Punch hith life out!" roars another, whose voice was just cracked, and his clothes half a yard too short for him ! Fancy our horror when, on the crowd making way, we saw Tug pummelling away at the Honourable Master Mac Turk ! My dear Jemmy, who don't understand such things, pounced upon the two at once, and, with one hand tearing away Tug, sent him spinning back into the arms of his seconds, while with the other, she clawed hold of Master Mac Turk's red hair, and, as soon as she got her second hand free, banged it about his face and ears like a good one. "You nasty — wicked — quarrelsome — aristocratic" (each word was a bang) — " aristocratic — oh ! oh ! oh ! " — Here the words stopped; for what with the agitation, maternal solicitude, and a dreadful kick on the shins which, I am ashamed to say, Master Mac Turk administered, my dear Jemmy could bear it no longer, and sank fainting away in my arms. JULY— DOWN AT BEULAH ALTHOUGH there was a regular cut between the next-door people and us, yet Tug and the Honourable Master Mac Turk kept up their acquaintance over the back-garden wall, and in the stables, where they were fighting, making friends, and playing tricks from morning to night, during the holidays. Indeed, it was from young Mac that we first heard of Madame de Flicflac, of whom my Jemmy robbed Lady Kilblazes, as I before have related. When our friend the Baron first saw Madame, a very tender greeting passed between them ; for they had, as it appeared, been old friends abroad. "Sapristi," said the Baron, in his lingo, "que fais-tu ici, Ame'naide 1 " " Et toi, mon pauvre Chicot," says she, " est-ce qu'on t'a mis a la retraite'? II parait que tu n'es plus Ge'ne'ral chez Franco — " Chut ! " says the Baron, putting his finger to his lips. "What are they saying, my dear]" says my wife to Jemimarann, who had a pretty knowledge of the language by this time. " I don't know what * Sapristi ' means, mamma ; but the Baron asked Madame what she was doing here ; and Madame said, ' And you, Chicot, you are no more a General at Franco ? ' — Have I not translated rightly, Madame ] " "Oui, mon chou, mon ange. Yase, my angel, my cabbage, quite right. Figure yourself, I have known my dear Chicot dis twenty years." "Chicot is my name of baptism," says the Baron; "Baron Chicot de Punter is my name." "And being a General at Franco," says Jemmy, "means, I suppose, being a French General ? " " Yes, I vas," said he, " General Baron de Punter — n'est 'a pas, Ame'naide ? " " Oh yes ! " said Madame Flicflac, and laughed ; and I and Jemmy laughed out of politeness : and a pretty laughing matter it was, as you shall hear. About this time my Jemmy became one of the Lady-Patronesses of that admirable institution, "The Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home;" Lady de Sudley was the great projector of it; and the 2i4 COX'S DIARY manager and chaplain, the excellent and Reverend Sidney Slopper. His salary as chaplain, and that of Doctor Leitch, the physician (both cousins of her Ladyship's), drew away five hundred pounds from the six subscribed to the charity ; and Lady de Sudley thought a fete at Beulah Spa, with the aid of some of the foreign princes who were in town last year, might bring a little more money into its treasury. A tender appeal was accordingly drawn up, and published in all the papers. "APPEAL. "BRITISH WASHERWOMAN'S-ORPHANS' HOME. "THE ' Washerwoman's-Orphans' Home' has now been estab- lished seven years : and the good which it has effected is, it may be confidently stated, incalculable. Ninety-eight orphan children of Washerwomen have been lodged within its walls. One hundred and two British Washerwomen have been relieved when in the last stage of decay. ONE HUNDRED AND NINETY-EIGHT THOUSAND articles of male and female dress have been washed, mended, buttoned, ironed, and mangled in the Establishment. And, by an arrangement with the governors of the Foundling, it is hoped that THE BABY-LINEN OF THAT HOSPITAL will be confided to the British Washerwoman's Home ! "With such prospects before it, is it not sad, is it not lament- able to think, that the Patronesses of the Society have been com- pelled to reject the applications of no less than THREE THOUSAND EIGHT HUNDRED AND ONE BRITISH WASHERWOMEN, from lack of means for their support? Ladies of England! Mothers of England! to you we appeal. Is there one of you tnat will not respond to the cry in behalf of these deserving members of our sex 1 " It has been determined by the Ladies- Patronesses to give a fete at Beulah Spa, on Thursday, July 25 ; which will be graced with the first foreign and native TALENT ; by the first foreign and native RANK; and where they beg for the attendance of every WASHERWOMAN'S FRIEND." Her Highness the Princess of Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen, the Duke of Sacks-Tubbingen, His Excellency Baron Strumpff, His Excellency Lootf-Allee-Koolee-Bismillah-Mohamed-Rusheed- Allah, the Persian Ambassador, Prince Futtee-Jaw, Envoy from the King of Oude, His Excellency Don Alonzo di Cachachero-y-Fandango-y- Castaiiete, the Spanish Ambassador, Count Ravioli, from Milan, the Envoy of the Republic of Topinambo, and a host of other fashion- DOWN AT BEULAH 215 ables promised to honour the festival : and their names made a famous show in the bills. Besides these we had the celebrated band of Moscow-musiks, the seventy-seven Transylvanian trumpeters, and the famous Bohemian Minnesingers ; with all the leading artists of London, Paris, the Continent, and the rest of Europe. I leave you to fancy what a splendid triumph for the British Washerwoman's Home was to come off on that day. A beautiful tent was erected, in which the Ladies-Patronesses were to meet : it was hung round with specimens of the skill of the Washerwomen's orphans ; ninety-six of whom were to be feasted in the gardens, and waited on by the Ladies-Patronesses. Well, Jemmy and my daughter, Madame de Flicflac, myself, the Count, Baron Punter, Tug, and Tagrag, all went down in the chariot and barouche-and-four, quite eclipsing poor Lady Kilblazes and her carriage-and-two. There was a fine cold collation, to which the friends of the Ladies -Patronesses were admitted; after which my ladies and their beaux went strolling through the walks ; Tagrag and the Count having each an arm of Jemmy ; the Baron giving an arm apiece to Madame and Jemimarann. Whilst they were walking, whom should they light upon but poor Orlando Crump, my successor in the per- fumery and haircutting. " Orlando ! " says Jemimarann, blushing as red as a label, and holding out her hand. " Jemimar ! " says he, holding out his, and turning as white as pomatum. " Sir ! " says Jemmy, as stately as a duchess. " What ! madam," says poor Crump, " don't you remember your shopboy 1 " "Dearest mamma, don't you recollect Orlando 1" whimpers Jemimarann, whose hand he had got hold of. " Miss Tuggeridge Coxe," says Jemmy, " I'm surprised at you. Remember, sir, that our position is altered, and oblige me by no more familiarity." " Insolent fellow ! " says the Baron, " vat is dis canaille ? " "Canal yourself, Mounseer," says Orlando, now grown quite furious : he broke away, quite indignant, and was soon lost in the crowd. Jemimarann, as soon as he was gone, began to look very pale and ill ; and her mamma, therefore, took her to a tent, where she left her along with Madame Flicflac and the Baron ; going oft herself with the other gentlemen, in order to join us. It appears they had not been seated very long, when Madame Flicflac suddenly sprang up, with an exclamation of joy, and rushed forward to a friend whom she saw pass. 2i<5 COX'S DIAEY The Baron was left alone with Jemimarann , and whether it was the champagne, or that my dear girl looked more than commonly pretty, I don't know; but Madame Flicflac had not been gone a minute, when the Baron dropped on his knees, and made her a regular declaration. Poor Orlando Crump had found me out by this time, and was standing by my side, listening, as melancholy as possible, to the famous Bohemian Minnesingers, who were singing the celebrated words of the poet Gothy : — " Ich bin ya hupp lily lee, du bist ya hupp lily lee, Wir sind doch hupp lily lee, hupp la lily lee. Chorus. — Yodle-odle-odle-odle-odle-odle hupp ! yodle-odle-aw-o-o-o ! " They were standing with their hands in their waistcoats, as usual, and had just come to the " o-o-o," at the end of the chorus of the forty -seventh stanza, when Orlando started : " That's a scream ! " says he. " Indeed it is," says I ; " and, but for the fashion of the thing, a very ugly scream too : " when I heard another shrill " Oh ! " as I thought ; and Orlando bolted off, crying, " By heavens, it's her voice ! " " Whose voice ? " says I. " Come and see the row," says Tag. And off we went, with a considerable number of people, who saw this strange move on his part. We came to the tent, and there we found my poor Jemimarann fainting ; her mamma holding a smelling-bottle ; the Baron, on the ground, holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose ; and Orlando squaring at him, and calling on him to fight if he dared. My Jemmy looked at Crump very fierce. "Take that feller away," says she ; "he has insulted a French nobleman, and deserves transportation, at the least." Poor Orlando was carried off. " I've no patience with the little minx," says Jemmy, giving Jemimarann a pinch. " She might be a Baron's lady ; and she screams out because his Excellency did but squeeze her hand." " Oh, mamma ! mamma ! " sobs poor Jemimarann, " but he was t-t-tipsy." " T-t-tipsy ! and the more shame for you, you hussy, to be offended with a nobleman who does not know what he is doing." AUGUST— A TOURNAMENT I SAY, Tug," said Mac Turk, one day soon after our flare-up at Beulah, " Kilblazes comes of age in October, and then we'll cut you out, as I told you : the old barberess will die of spite when she hears what we are going to do. What do you think? we're going to have a tournament ! " " What's a tournament 1 " says Tug, and so said his mamma when she heard the news ; and when she knew what a tournament was, I think, really, she was as angry as Mac Turk said she would be, and gave us no peace for days together. " What ! " says she, " dress up in armour, like play-actors, and run at each other with spears ? The Kilblazes must be mad ! " And so I thought, but I didn't think the Tuggeridges would be mad too, as they were : for, when Jemmy heard that the Kilblazes' festival was to be, as yet, a profound secret, what does she do, but send down to the Morning Post a flaming account of " THE PASSAGE OF ARMS AT TUGGERIDGEVILLE ! " The days of chivalry are not past. The fair Castellane of T-gg-r-dgeville, whose splendid entertainments have so often been alluded to in this paper, has determined to give one, which shall exceed in splendour even the magnificence of the Middle Ages. We are not at liberty to say more ; but a tournament, at which His Ex-l-ncy B-r-n de P-nt-r and Thomas T-gr-g, Esq., eldest son of Sir Th — s T-gr-g, are to be the knights-defendants against all comers ; a Queen of Beauty, of whose loveliness every frequenter of fashion has felt the power ; a banquet, unexampled in the annals of Gunter ; and a ball, in which the recollections of ancient chivalry will blend sweetly with the soft tones of Weippert and Collinet, are among the entertainments which the Ladye of T-gg-ridgeville has prepared for her distinguished guests." The Baron was the life of the scheme : he longed to be on horse- back, and in the field at Tuggeridgeville, where he, Tagrag, and a number of our friends practised : he was the very best tilter present; he vaulted over his horse, and played such wonderful antics, as never were done except at Ducrow's. 2i8 COX'S DIARY And now — oh that I had twenty pages, instead of this short chapter, to describe the wonders of the day ! — Twenty-four knights came from Ashley's at two guineas a head. We were in hopes to have had Miss Woolford in the character of Joan of Arc, but that lady did not appear. We had a tent for the challengers, at each side of which hung what they called escoachings (like hatchments, which they put up when people die), and underneath sat their pages, holding their helmets for the tournament. Tagrag was in brass-armour (my City connections got him that famous suit) ; his Excellency in polished steel. My wife wore a coronet, modelled exactly after that of Queen Catharine, in " Henry V. " ; a tight gilt jacket, which set off dear Jemmy's figure wonderfully, and a train of at least forty feet. Dear Jemimarann was in white, her hair braided with pearls. Madame de Flicflac appeared as Queen Eliza- beth ; and Lady Blanche Bluenose as a Turkish Princess. An alder- man of London and his lady ; two magistrates of the county, and the very pink of Croydon ; several Polish noblemen ; two Italian Counts (besides our Count) ; one hundred and ten young officers, from Addiscombe College, in full uniform, commanded by Major- General Sir Miles Mulligatawney, K.C.B., and his lady; the Misses Pimminy's Finishing Establishment, and fourteen young ladies, all in white \ the Reverend Doctor Wapshot, and forty-nine young gentlemen, of the first families, under his charge — were some only of the company. I leave you to fancy that, if my Jemmy did seek for fashion, she had enough of it on this occasion. They wanted me to have mounted again, but my hunting-day had been sufficient ; besides, I ain't big enough for a real knight : so, as Mrs. Coxe in- sisted on my opening the Tournament — and I knew it was in vain to resist — the Baron and Tagrag had undertaken to arrange so that I might come off with safety, if I came off at all. They had pro- cured from the Strand Theatre a famous stud of hobby-horses, which they told me had been trained for the use of the great Lord Bate- man. I did not know exactly what they were till they arrived ; but as they had belonged to a lord, I thought it was all right, and consented ; and I found it the best sort of riding, after all, to appear to be on horseback and walk safely a-foot at the same time ; and it was impossible to come down as long as I kept on my own legs : besides, I could cuff and pull my steed about as much as I liked, without fear of his biting or kicking in return. As Lord of the Tournament, they placed in my hands a lance, ornamented spirally, in blue and gold : I thought of the pole over my old shop door, and almost wished myself there again, as I capered up to the battle in my helmet and breast-plate, with all the trumpets blowing and drums beating at the time. Captain Tagrag was my opponent, and A TOURNAMENT 219 preciously we poked each other, till, prancing about, I put my foot on my horse's petticoat behind, and down I came, getting a thrust from the Captain, at the same time, that almost broke my shoulder- bone. "This was sufficient," they said, "for the laws of chivalry;" and I was glad to get off so. After that the gentlemen riders, of whom there were no less than seven, in complete armour, and the professionals, now ran at the ring ; and the Baron was far, far the most skilful. " How sweetly the dear Baron rides ! " said my wife, who was always ogling at him, smirking, smiling, and waving her handkerchief to him. " I say, Sam," says a professional to one of his friends, as, after their course, they came cantering up, and ranged under Jemmy's bower, as she called it : — " I say, Sam, I'm blowed if that chap in harmer mustn't have been one of hus." And this only made Jemmy the more pleased ; for the fact is, the Baron had chosen the best way of winning Jemimarann by courting her mother. The Baron was declared conqueror at the ring; and Jemmy awarded him the prize, a wreath of white roses, which she placed on his lance; he receiving it gracefully, and bowing, until the plumes of his helmet mingled with the mane of his charger, which backed to the other end of the lists ; then galloping back to the place where Jemimarann was seated, he begged her to place it on his helmet. The poor girl blushed very much, and did so. As all the people were applauding, Tagrag rushed up, and, laying his hand on the Baron's shoulder, whispered something in his ear, which made the other very angry, I suppose, for he shook him off violently. " Chacun pour soi" says he, "Monsieur de Taguerague," — which means, I am told, " Every man for himself." And then he rode away, throwing his lance in the air, catching it, and making his horse caper and prance, to the admiration of all beholders. After this came the " Passage of Arms." Tagrag and the Baron ran courses against the other champions; ay, and unhorsed two apiece ; whereupon the other three refused to turn out ; and pre- ciously we laughed at them, to be sure ! " Now, it's our turn, Mr. Chicot," says Tagrag, shaking his fist at the Baron : " look to yourself, you infernal mountebank, for, by Jupiter, I'll do my best ! " And before Jemmy and the rest of us, who were quite bewildered, could say a word, these two friends were charging away, spears in hand, ready to kill each other. In vain Jemmy screamed ; in vain I threw down my truncheon : they had broken two poles before I could say " Jack Robinson," and were driving at each other with the two new ones. The Baron had the worst of the first course, for he had almost been carried out of his saddle. " Hark you, Chicot ! " screamed out Tagrag, " next time 220 COX'S DIARY look to your head ! " And next time, sure enough, each aimed at the head of the other. Tagrag's spear hit the right place ; for it carried off the Baron's helmet, plume, rose-wreath and all; but his Excellency hit truer still — his lance took Tagrag on the neck, and sent him to the ground like a stone. " He's won ! he's won ! " says Jemmy, waving her handkerchief; Jemimaraim fainted, Lady Blanche screamed, and I felt so sick that I thought I should drop. All the company were in an uproar : only the Baron looked calm, and bowed very gracefully, and kissed his hand to Jemmy ; when, all of a sudden, a Jewish-looking man springing over the barrier, and followed by three more, rushed towards the Baron. " Keep the gate, Bob ! " he holloas out. " Baron, I arrest you, at the suit of Samuel Levison, for — But he never said for what ; shouting out, " Aha ! " and " Sap- prrrristie!" and I don't know what, his Excellency drew his sword, dug his spurs into his horse, and was over the poor bailiff, and off before another word. He had threatened to run through one of the bailiff's followers, Mr. Stubbs, only that gentleman made way for him ; and when we took up the bailiff, and brought him round by the aid of a little brandy-and-water, he told us all. "I had a writ againsht him, Mishter Coxsh, but I didn't vant to shpoil shport; and, beshidesh, I didn't know him until dey knocked off his shteel cap ! " Here was a pretty business ! SEPTEMBER— OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED WE had 110 great reason to brag of our tournament at Tuggeridgeville : but, after all, it was better than the turn-out at Kilblazes, where poor Lord Heydownderry went about in a black velvet dressing-gown, and the Emperor Napoleon Bonypart appeared in a suit of armour and silk stockings, like Mr. Pell's friend in Pickwick. We, having employed the gentlemen from Astley's Antitheatre, had some decent sport for our money. We never heard a word from the Baron, who had so distinguished himself by his horsemanship, and had knocked down (and very justly) Mr. Nabb, the bailiff, and Mr. Stubbs his man, who came to lay hands upon him. My sweet Jemmy seemed to be very low in spirits after his departure, and a sad thing it is to see her in low spirits : on days of illness she no more minds giving Jemimarann a box on the ear, or sending a plate of muffins across a table at poor me, than she does taking her tea. Jemmy, I say, was very low in spirits; but, one day (I remember it was the day after Captain Higgins called, and said he had seen the Baron at Boulogne), she vowed that nothing but change of air would do her good, and declared that she should die unless she went to the seaside in France. I knew what this meant, and that I might as well attempt to resist her as to resist Her Gracious Majesty in Parliament assembled; so I told the people to pack up the things, and took four places on board the Grand Turk steamer for Boulogne. The travelling-carriage, which, with Jemmy's thirty-seven boxes and my carpet-bag, was pretty well loaded, was sent on board the night before; and we, after breakfasting in Portland Place (little did I think it was the — but, poh ! never mind) went down to the Custom House in the other carriage, followed by a hackney-coach and a cab, with the servants, and fourteen bandboxes and trunks more, which were to be wanted by my dear girl in the journey. The road down Cheapside and Thames Street need not be described ; we saw the Monument, a memento of the wicked Popish 222 COX'S DIARY massacre of St. Bartholomew; — why erected here I can't think, as St. Bartholomew is in Smithfield ; — we had a glimpse of Billingsgate, and of the Mansion House, where we saw the two- and-twenty-shilling-coal smoke coming out of the chimneys, and were landed at the Custom House in safety. I felt melancholy, for we were going among a people of swindlers, as all Frenchmen are thought to be ; and, besides not being able to speak the language, leaving our own dear country and honest countrymen. Fourteen porters came out, and each took a package with the greatest civility ; calling Jemmy her Ladyship, and me your honour; ay, and your-honouring and my-Ladyshipping even my man and the maid in the cab. I somehow felt all over quite melancholy at going away. " Here, my fine fellow," says I to the coachman, who was standing very respectful, holding his hat in one hand and Jemmy's jewel-case in the other — " Here, my fine chap," says I, " here's six shillings for you ; " for I did not care for the money. "Six what? "says he. " Six shillings, fellow," shrieks Jemmy, " and twice as much as your fare." " Feller, marm ! " says this insolent coachman. " Feller your- self, marm : do you think I'm a-going to kill my horses, and break my precious back, and bust my carriage, and carry you, and your kids, and your traps, for six hog 1 " And with this the monster dropped his hat, with my money in it, and doubling his fist, put it so very near my nose that I really thought he would have made it bleed. "My fare's heighteen shillings," says he, "hain't it1? — hask hany of these gentlemen." "Why, it ain't more than seventeen-and-six," says one of the fourteen porters ; "but if the genTman is a gen'l'man, he can't give no less than a suffering anyhow." I wanted to resist, and Jemmy screamed like a Turk ; but, " Holloa ! " says one. " What's the row 1 " says another. " Come, dub up ! " roars a third. And I don't mind telling you, in confidence, that I was so frightened that I took out the sovereign and gave it. My man and Jemmy's maid had disappeared by this time : they always do when there's a robbery or a row going on. I was going after them. " Stop, Mr. Ferguson," pipes a young gentleman of about thirteen, with a red livery waistcoat that reached to his ankles, and every variety of button, pin, string, to keep it together. " Stop, Mr. Heff," says he, taking a small pipe out of his mouth, " and don't forgit the cabman." " What's your fare, my lad 1 " says I. " Why, let's see- — yes — ho ! — my fare's seven-and-thirty and eightpeuce eggs — acly." OVER-BOARDED AND UNDER-LODGED 223 The fourteen gentlemen holding the luggage here burst out and laughed very rudely indeed ; and the only person who seemed dis- appointed was, I thought, the hackney-coachman. "Why, you rascal ! " says Jemmy, laying hold of the boy, " do you want more than the coachman ? " " Don't rascal me, marm ! " shrieks the little chap in return. "What's the coach to me? Vy, you may go in an omnibus for sixpence if you like ; vy don't you go and buss it, marm ? Vy did you call my cab, marm ? Vy am I to come forty mile, from Scarlot Street, Po'tl'nd Street, Po'tl'nd Place, and not git my fare, marm ? Come, give me a suffering and a half, and don't keep my lioss a-vaiting all day." This speech, which takes some time to write down, was made in about the fifth part of a second ; and, at the end of it, the young gentleman hurled down his pipe, and, advancing towards Jemmy, doubled his fist, and seemed to challenge her to fight. My dearest girl now turned from red to be as pale as white Windsor, and fell into my arms. What was I to do? I called " Policeman ! " but a policeman won't interfere in Thames Street ; robbery is licensed there. What was I to do ? Oh ! my heart beats with paternal gratitude when I think of what my Tug did ! As soon as this young cab-chap put himself into a fighting attitude, Master Tuggeridge Coxe — who had been standing by laughing very rudely, I thought — Master Tuggeridge Coxe, I say, flung his jacket suddenly into his mamma's face (the brass buttons made her start and recovered her a little), and, before we could say a word, was in the ring in which we stood (formed by the porters, nine orangemen and women, I don't know how many newspaper- boys, hotel-cads, and old-clothesmen), and, whirling about two little white fists in the face of the gentleman in the red waistcoat, who brought up a great pair of black ones to bear on the enemy, was engaged in an instant. But la bless you! Tug hadn't been at Richmond School for nothing ; and milled away — one, two, right and left — like a little hero as he is, with all his dear mother's spirit in him. First came a crack which sent a long dusky white hat — that looked damp and deep like a well, and had a long black crape-rag twisted round it — first came a crack which sent this white hat spinning over the gentleman's cab, and scattered among the crowd a vast number of things which the cabman kept in it, — such as a ball of string, a piece of candle, a comb, a whip-lash, a Little Warbler, a slice of bacon, &c. &c. The cabman seemed sadly ashamed of this display, but Tug gave him no time : another blow was planted on his cheek-bone ; 224 COX'S DIARY and a third, which hit him straight on the nose, sent this rude cabman straight down to the ground. " Brayvo, my Lord ! " shouted all the people around. " I won't have no more, thank yer," said the little cabman, gathering himself up. " Give us over my fare, vil yer, and let me git away 1 " "What's your fare now, you cowardly little thief?" says Tug. " Vy, then, two-and-eightpence," says he. " Go along, — you know it is ! " And two-and-eightpence he had ; and everybody applauded Tug, and hissed the cab-boy, and asked Tug for some- thing to drink. We heard the packet-bell ringing, and all ran down the stairs to be in time. I now thought our troubles would soon be over; mine were, very nearly so, in one sense at least: for after Mrs. Coxe and Jemimarann, and Tug, and the maid, and valet, and valuables had been handed across, it came to my turn. I had often heard of people being taken up by a Plank, but seldom of their being set down by one. Just as I was going over, the vessel rode off a little, the board slipped, and down I soused into the water. You might have heard Mrs. Coxe's shriek as far as Gravesend ; it rang in my ears as I went down, all grieved at the thought of leaving her a disconsolate widder. Well, up I came again, and caught the brim of my beaver-hat — though I have heard that drowning men catch at straws : — I floated, and hoped to escape by hook or by crook ; and, luckily, just then, I felt myself suddenly jerked by the waist-band of my whites, and found myself hauled up in the air at the end of a boat-hook, to the sound of " Ycho ! yeho ! yehoi ! yelioi ! " and so I was dragged aboard. I was put to bed, and had swallowed so much water that it took a very considerable quantity of brandy to bring it to a proper mixture in my inside. In fact, for some hours I was in a very deplorable state. OCTOBER— NOTICE TO QUIT WELL, we arrived at Boulogne ; and Jemmy, after making inquiries, right and left, about the Baron, found that no such person was known there : and being bent, I suppose, at all events, on marrying her daughter to a lord, she determined to set off for Paris, where, as he had often said, he possessed a magnifi- cent hotel he called it ; — and I remember Jemmy being mightily indignant at the idea ; but hotel, we found afterwards, means only a house in French, and this reconciled her. Need I describe the road from Boulogne to Paris ? or need I describe that Capitol itself? Suffice it to say, that we made our appearance there, at " Murisse's Hotel," as became the family of Coxe Tuggeridge ; and saw every- thing worth seeing in the metropolis in a week. It nearly killed me, to be sure ; but, when you're on a pleasure party in a foreign country, you must not mind a little inconvenience of this sort. Well, there is, near the city of Paris, a splendid road and row of trees, which — I don't know why — is called the Shandeleezy, or Elysian Fields, in French : others, I have heard, call it the Shande- leery; but mine I know to be the correct pronunciation. In the middle of this Shandeleezy is an open space of ground and a tent where, during the summer, Mr. Franconi, the French Ashley, per- forms with his horses and things. As everybody went there, and we were told it was quite the thing, Jemmy agreed that we should go too ; and go we did. It's just like Ashley's : there's a man just like Mr. Piddicombe, who goes round the ring in a huzzah-dress, cracking a whip ; there are a dozen Miss Woolfords, who appear like Polish princesses, Dihannas, Sultannas, Cachuchas, and Heaven knows what ! There's the fat man, who comes in with the twenty-three dresses on, and turns out to be the living skeleton ! There's the clowns, the sawdust, the white horse that dances a hornpipe, the candles stuck in hoops, just as in our own dear country. My dear wife, in her very finest clothes, with all the world looking at her, was really enjoying this spectacle (which doesn't require any knowledge of the language, seeing that the dumb animals don't talk it), when there came in, presently, " the great Polish act 3 p 226 COX'S DIARY of the Sarmatian horse-tamer, on eight steeds," which we were all of us longing to see. The horse-tamer, to music twenty miles an hour, rushed in on four of his horses, leading the other four, and skurried round the ring. You couldn't see him for the sawdust, but everybody was delighted, and applauded like mad. Presently, you saw there were only three horses in front : he had slipped one more between his legs, another followed, and it was clear that the consequences would be fatal, if he admitted any more. The people applauded more than ever ; and when, at last, seven and eight were made to go in, not wholly, but sliding dexterously in and out, with the others, so that you did not know which was which, the house, I thought, would come down with applause; and the Sarmatian horse-tamer bowed his great feathers to the ground. At last the music grew slower, and he cantered leisurely round the ring ; bend- ing, smirking, seesawing, waving his whip, and laying his hand on his heart, just as we have seen the Ashley's people do. But fancy our astonishment when, suddenly, this Sarmatian horse-tamer, coming round with his four pair at a canter, and being opposite our box, gave a start, and a — hupp ! which made all his horses stop stock-still at an instant ! " Albert ! " screamed my dear Jemmy : " Albert ! Bahbahbah — baron ! " The Sarmatian looked at her for a minute ; and turning head over heels, three times, bolted suddenly off his horses, and away out of our sight. It was His EXCELLENCY THE BARON DE PUNTER ! Jemmy went off in a fit as usual, and we never saw the Baron again ; but we heard, afterwards, that Punter was an apprentice of Franconi's, and had run away to England, thinking to better himself, and had joined Mr. Richardson's army; but Mr. Richardson, and then London, did not agree with him ; and we saw the last of him as he sprang over the barriers at the Tuggeridgeville tournament. " Well, Jemimarann," says Jemmy, in a fury, " you shall marry Tagrag; and if I can't have a baroness for a daughter, at least you shall be a baronet's lady." Poor Jemimarann only sighed ; she knew it was of no use to remonstrate. Paris grew dull to us after this, and we were more eager than ever to go back to London : for what should we hear, but that that monster, Tuggeridge, of the City — old Tug's black son, forsooth ! — was going to contest Jemmy's claim to the property, and had filed I don't know how many bills against us in Chancery ! Hearing this, we set off immediately, and we arrived at Boulogne, and set off in that very same " Grand Turk " which had brought us to France. If you look in the bills, you will see that the steamers leave London on Saturday morning, and Boulogne on Saturday night ; so NOTICE TO QUIT 227 that there is often not an hour between the time of arrival and departure. Bless us ! bless us ! I pity the poor Captain that, for twenty-four hours at a time, is on a paddle-box, roaring out, " Ease her ! Stop her ! " and the poor servants, who are laying out break- fast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper; — breakfast, lunch, dinner, tea, supper, again ; — for layers upon layers of travellers, as it were ; and, most of all, I pity that unhappy steward, with those unfortunate tin basins that he must always keep an eye over. Little did we know what a storm was brewing in our absence ; and little were we prepared for the awful awful fate that hung over our Tuggeridge- ville property. Biggs, of the great house of Higgs, Biggs, & Blatherwick, was our man of business : when I arrived in London I heard that he had just set off to Paris after me. So we started down to Tuggeridge- ville instead of going to Portland Place. As we came through the lodge-gates, we found a crowd assembled within them; and there was that horrid Tuggeridge on horseback, with a shabby-looking man, called Mr. Scapgoat, and his man of business, and many more. " Mr. Scapgoat," says Tuggeridge, grinning, and handing him over a sealed paper, " here's the lease ; I leave you in posses- sion, and wish you good-morning." " In possession of what 1 " says the rightful lady of Tuggeridge- ville, leaning out of the carriage-window. She hated black Tug- geridge, as she called him, like poison : the very first week of our coming to Portland Place, when he called to ask restitution of some plate which he said was his private property, she called him a base- born blackamoor, and told him to quit the house. Since then there had been law-squabbles between us without end, and all sorts of writings, meetings, and arbitrations. " Possession of my estate of Tuggeridge ville, madam," roars he, " left me by my father's will, which you have had notice of these three weeks, and know as well as I do." " Old Tug left no will," shrieked Jemmy : " he didn't die to leave his estates to blackamoors — to negroes — to base-born mulatto story-tellers ; if he did, may I be " " Oh, hush ! dearest mamma," says Jemimarann. " Go it again, mother ! " says Tug, who is always sniggering. "What is this business, Mr. Tuggeridge "?" cried Tagrag (who was the only one of our party that had his senses). "What is this will?" " Oh, it's merely a matter of form," said the lawyer, riding up. " For Heaven's sake, madam, be peaceable ; let my friends, Higgs, Biggs, & Blatherwick, arrange with me. I am surprised that none of their people are here. All that you have to do is to eject us ; and the rest will follow, of course." 228 COX'S DIARY "Who has taken possession of this here property?" roars Jemmy again. "My friend Mr. Scapgoat," said the lawyer. — Mr. Scapgoat grinned. " Mr. Scapgoat," said my wife, shaking her fist at him (for she is a woman of no small spirit), " if you don't leave this ground, I'll have you pushed out with pitchforks, I will — you and your beggarly blackamoor yonder." And, suiting the action to the word, she clapped a stable fork into the hands of one of the gardeners, and called another, armed with a rake, to his help, while young Tug set the dog at their heels, and I hurrahed for joy to see such villainy so properly treated. " That's sufficient, ain't it 1 " said Mr. Scapgoat, with the calmest air in the world. " Oh, completely," said the lawyer. " Mr. Tug- geridge, we've ten miles to dinner. Madam, your very humble servant." And the whole posse of them rode away. NOVEMBER— LAW LIFE ASSURANCE WE knew not what this meant, until we received a strange document from Higgs, in London, — which began, "Middle- sex to wit. Samuel Cox, late of Portland Place, in the City of Westminster, in the said county, was attached to answer Samuel Scapgoat, of a plea, wherefore, with force and arms, he entered into one messuage, with the appurtenances, which John Tuggeridge, Esquire, demised to the said Samuel Scapgoat, for a term which is not yet expired, and ejected him." And it went on to say that " we, with force of arms, viz. with swords, knives, and staves, had ejected him." Was there ever such a monstrous false- hood 1 when we did but stand in defence of our own ; and isn't it a sin that we should have been turned out of our rightful possessions upon such a rascally plea 1 Higgs, Biggs, & Blatherwick had evidently been bribed ; for — would you believe it 1 — they told us to give up possession at once, as a will was found, and we could not defend the action. My Jemmy refused their proposal with scorn, and laughed at the notion of the will : she pronounced it to be a forgery, a vile blackamoor forgery ; and believes, to this day, that the story of its having been made thirty years ago, in Calcutta, and left there with old Tug's papers, and found there, and brought to England, after a search made, by order of Tuggeridge junior, is a scandalous falsehood. Well, the cause was tried. Why need I say anything concerning it 1 What shall I say of the Lord Chief Justice, but that he ought to be ashamed of the wig he sits in? What of Mr. and Mr. , who exerted their eloquence against justice and the poor 1 On our side, too, was no less a man than Mr. Serjeant Binks, who, ashamed I am, for the honour of the British bar, to say it, seemed to have been bribed too : for he actually threw up his case ! Had he behaved like Mr. Mulligan, his junior — and to whom, in this humble way, I offer my thanks — all might have been well. I never knew such an effect produced, as when Mr. Mulligan, appearing for the first time in that court, said, " Standing here, upon the pidestal of secred Thamis ; seeing around me the arnymints of a profission I rispict; having before me a vinnerable judge, and an inlightened 230 COX'S DIARY jury — the counthry's glory, the notion's cheap defender, the poor man's priceless palladium : how must I thrimble, my Lard, how must the blush bejew my cheek — " (somebody cried out " 0 cheeks ! " In the court there was a dreadful roar of laughing ; and when order was established, Mr. Mulligan continued :)— " My Lard, I heed them not ; I come from a counthry accustomed to opprission, and as that counthry — yes, my Lard, that Ireland — (do not laugh, I am proud of it) — is ever, in spite of her tyrants, green, and lovely, and beautiful : my client's cause, likewise, will rise shuperior to the malignant imbecility — -I repeat, the MALIGNANT IMBECILITY — of those who would thrample it down; and in whose teeth, in my client's name, in my counthry's — ay, and my own — I, with folded arrums, hurl a scarnful and eternal defiance ! " " For Heaven's sake, Mr. Milligan " — (" MULLIGAN, ME LARD,'" cried my defender) — " Well, Mulligan, then, be calm, and keep to your brief." Mr. Mulligan did : and for three hours and a quarter, in a speech crammed with Latin quotations, and unsurpassed for eloquence, he explained the situation of me and my family; the romantic manner in which Tuggeridge the elder gained his fortune, and by which it afterwards came to my wife; the state of Ireland; the original and virtuous poverty of the Coxes — from which he glanced passionately, for a few minutes (until the judge stopped him), to the poverty of his own country ; my excellence as a husband, father, landlord ; my wife's, as a wife, mother, landlady. All was in vain — the trial went against us. I was soon taken in execution for the damages; five hundred pounds of law expenses of my own, and as much more of Tuggeridge's. He would not pay a farthing, he said, to get me out of a much worse place than the Fleet. I need not tell you that along with the land went the house in town, and the money in the funds. Tuggeridge, he who had thousands before, had it all. And when I was in prison, who do you think would come and see me1? None of the Barons, nor Counts, nor Foreign Ambassadors, nor Excellencies, who used to fill our house, and cat and drink at our expense, — not even the ungrateful Tagrag ! I could- not help now saying to my dear wife, " See, my love, we have been gentlefolks for exactly a year, and a pretty life we have had of it. In the first place, my darling, we gave grand dinners, and everybody laughed at us." " Yes, and recollect how ill they made you," cries my daughter. " We asked great company, and they insulted us." " And spoilt mamma's temper," said Jemimarann. " Hush ! miss," said her mother ; "we don't want your advice." " Then you must make a country gentleman of me," "LAW LIFE ASSURANCE 231 " And send pa into dunghills," roared Tug. " Then you must go to operas, and pick up foreign Barons and Counts." " Oh, thank Heaven, dearest papa, that we are rid of them," cries my little Jemimarann, looking almost happy, and kissing her old pappy. " And you must make a fine gentleman of Tug there, and send him to a fine school." " And I give you my word," says Tug, " I'm as ignorant a chap as ever lived." " You're an insolent saucebox," says Jemmy ; " you've learned that at your fine school." "I've learned something else, too, ma'am; ask the boys if I haven't," grumbles Tug. " You hawk your daughter about, and just escape marrying her to a swindler." " And drive off poor Orlando," whimpered my girl. " Silence ! miss," says Jemmy fiercely. " You insult the man whose father's property you inherited, and bring me into this prison, without hope of leaving it : for he never can help us after all your bad language." I said all this very smartly ; for the fact is, my blood was up at the time, and I determined to rate my dear girl soundly. " Oh ! Sammy," said she, sobbing (for the poor thing's spirit was quite broken), " it's all true ; I've been very very foolish and vain, and I've punished my dear husband and children by my follies, and I do so so repent them ! " Here Jemimarann at once burst out crying, and flung herself into her mamma's arms, and the pair roared and sobbed for ten minutes together. Even Tug looked queer : and as for me, it's a most extraordinary thing, but I'm blest if seeing them so miserable didn't make me quite happy. — I don't think, for the whole twelve months of our good fortune, I had ever felt so gay as in that dismal room in the Fleet, where I was locked up. Poor Orlando Crump came to see us every day ; and we, who had never taken the slightest notice of him in Portland Place, and treated him so cruelly that day at Beulah Spa, were only too glad of his company now. He used to bring books for my girl, and a bottle of sherry for me ; and he used to take home Jemmy's fronts and dress them for her ; and when locking-up time came, he used to see the ladies home to their little three-pair bedroom in Holborn, where they slept now, Tug and all. " Can the bird forget its nest 1 " Orlando used to say (he was a romantic young fellow, that's the truth, and blew the flute and read Lord Byron incessantly, since he was separated from Jemimarann), " Can the bird, let loose in Eastern, 232 COX'S DIARY climes, forget its home 1 Can the rose cease to remember its beloved bulbul 1 — Ah, no ! Mr. Cox, you made me what I am, and what I hope to die — a hairdresser. I never see a curling-irons before I entered your shop, or knew Naples from brown Windsor. Did you not make over your house, your furniture, your emporium of per- fumery, and nine-and-twenty shaving customers, to me 1 Are these trifles 1 Is Jemimarann a trifle 1 if she would allow me to call her so. Oh, Jemimarann, your pa found me in the workhouse, and made me what I am. Conduct me to my grave, and I never never shall be different ! " When he had said this, Orlando was so much affected, that he rushed suddenly on his hat and quitted the room. Then Jemimarann began to cry too. " Oh, pa ! " said she, " isn't he — isn't he a nice young man 1 " " I'm hanged if he ain't," says Tug. " What do you think of his giving me eighteenpence yesterday, and a bottle of lavender- water for Mimarann 1 " " He might as well offer to give you back the shop at any rate," says Jemmy. " What ! to pay Tuggeridge's damages 1 My dear, I'd sooner die than give Tuggeridge the chance." DECEMBER— FAMILY BUSTLE TUGGERIDGE vowed that I should finish my days there, when he put me in prison. It appears that we both had reason to be ashamed of ourselves ; and were, thank God ! I learned to be sorry for my bad feelings towards him, and he actually wrote to me to say — " SIK, — I think you have suffered enough for faults which, I believe, do not lie with you, so much as your wife; and I have withdrawn my claims which I had against you while you were in wrongful possession of my father's estates. You must remember that when, on examination of my father's papers, no will was found, I yielded up his property, with perfect willingness, to those who I fancied were his legitimate heirs. For this I received all sorts of insults from your wife and yourself (who acquiesced in them) ; and when the discovery of a will, in India, proved my just claims, you must remember how they were met, and the vexatious proceedings with which you sought to oppose them. " I have discharged your lawyer's bill ; and, as I believe you are more fitted for the trade you formerly exercised than for any other, I will give five hundred pounds for the purchase of a stock and shop, when you shall find one to suit you. "I enclose a draft for twenty pounds, to meet your present expenses. You have, I am told, a son, a boy of some spirit : if he likes to try his fortune abroad, and go on board an Indiaman, I can get him an appointment ; and am, Sir, your obedient servant, " JOHN TUGGERIDGE." It was Mrs. Breadbasket, the housekeeper, who brought this letter, and looked mighty contemptuous as she gave it. "I hope, Breadbasket, that your master will send me my things at any rate," cries Jemmy. " There's seventeen silk and satin dresses, and a whole heap of trinkets, that can be of no earthly use to him." " Don't Breadbasket me, mem, if you please, mem. My master says that them things is quite obnoxious to your sphere of life. Breadbasket, indeed ! " And so she sailed out. COX'S DIARY Jemmy hadn't a word ; she had grown mighty quiet since we had been in misfortune : but my daughter looked as happy as a queen ; and Tug, when he heard of the ship, gave a jump that nearly knocked down poor Orlando. "Ah, I suppose you'll forget me now 1 " says he, with a sigh ; and seemed the only unhappy person in company. " Why, you conceive, Mr. Crump," says my wife, with a great deal of dignity, " that, connected as we are, a young man born in a work " " Woman ! " cried I (for once in my life determined to have my own way), " hold your foolish tongue. Your absurd pride has been the ruin of us hitherto ; and, from this day, I'll have no more of it. Hark ye, Orlando, if you will take Jemimarann, you may have her • and if you'll take five hundred pounds for a half share of the shop, they're yours ; and that's for you, Mrs. Cox." And here we are, back again. And I write this from the old back shop, where we are all waiting to see the new year in. Orlando sits yonder, plaiting a wig for my Lord Chief Justice, as happy as may be ; and Jemimarann and her mother have been as busy as you can imagine all day long, and are just now giving the finishing touches to the bridal-dresses : for the wedding is to take place the day after to-morrow. I've cut seventeen heads off (as I say) this very day ; and as for Jemmy, I no more mind her than I do the Emperor of China and all his Tambarins. Last night we had a merry meeting of our friends and neighbours, to celebrate our re- appearance among them ; and very merry we all were. We had a capital fiddler, and we kept it up till a pretty tidy hour this morning. We begun with quadrills, but I never could do 'em well ; and after that, to please Mr. Crump and his intended, we tried a gallopard, which I found anything but easy; for since I am come back to a life of peace and comfort, it's astonishing how stout I'm getting. So we turned at once to what Jemmy and me excels in — a country dance ; which is rather surprising, as we was both brought up to a town life. As for young Tug, he showed off in a sailor's hornpipe : which Mrs. Cox says is very proper for him to learn, now he is intended for the sea. But stop ! here comes in the punchbowls ; and if we are not happy, who is ? I say I am like the Swish people, for I can't nourish out of my native hair. THE MEMOIRS OF MR. CHARLES J. YELLOWPLUSH THE MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH SOMETIME FOOTMAN IN MANY GENTEEL FAMILIES MISS S HUM'S HUSBAND CHAPTER I I WAS born in the year one of the present or Christian hera, and am, in consquints, seven-and-thirty years old. My mamma called me Charles James Harrington Fitzroy Yellowplush, in compliment to several noble families, and to a sellybrated coachmin whom she knew, who wore a yellow livry, and drove the Lord Mayor of London. Why she gev me this genlmn's name is a diffiklty, or rayther the name of a part of his dress ; however, it's stuck to me through life, in which I was, as it were, a footman' by buth. Praps he was my father — though on this subjict I can't speak suttinly, for my ma wrapped up my buth in a mistry. I may be illygitmit, I may have been changed at nuss ; but I've always had genlmnly tastes through life, and have no doubt that I come of a genlmnly origum. The less I say about my parint the better, for the dear old creatur was very good to me, and, I fear, had very little other goodness in her. Why, I can't say; but I always passed as her nevyou. We led a strange life; sometimes ma was dressed in sattn and rooge, and sometimes in rags and dutt ; sometimes I got kisses, and sometimes kix ; sometimes gin, and sometimes shampang ; law bless us ! how she used to swear at me, and cuddle me ; there we were, quarrelling and making up, sober and tipsy, starving and guttling by turns, just as ma got money or spent it. But let mo draw a vail over the seen, and speak of her no more — it's sfishant 238 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH for the public to know, that her name was Miss Montmorency, and we lived in the New Cut. My poor mother died one morning, Hev'n bless her ! and I was left alone in this wide wicked wuld, without so much money as would buy me a penny roal for my brexfast. But there was some amongst our naybours (and let me tell you there's more kindness among them poor disrepettable creaturs than in half-a-dozen lords or barrynets) who took pity upon poor Sal's orfin (for they bust out laffin when I called her Miss Montmorency), and gev me bred and shelter. I'm afraid, in spite of their kindness, that my morrils wouldn't have improved if I'd stayed long among 'em. But a benny- violent genlmn saw me, and put me to school. The academy which I went to was called the Free School of Saint Bartholomew's the Less — the young genlmn wore green baize coats, yellow leather whatsisnames, a tin plate on the left arm, and a cap about the size of a muffing. I stayed there sicks years; from sicks, that is to say, till my twelth year, during three years of witch I distinguished myself not a little in the musicle way, for I bloo the bellus of the church horgin, and very fine tunes we played too. Well, it's not worth recounting my jewvenile follies (what trix we used to play the applewoman ! and how we put snuff in the old clark's Prayer-book — my eye !) ; but one day, a genlmn entered the school-room — it was on the very day when I went to subtraxion — and asked the master for a young lad for a servant. They pitched upon me glad enough ; and nex day found me sleeping in the sculry, close under the sink, at Mr. Bago's country-house at Pentonwille. Bago kep a shop in Smithfield market, and drov a taring good trade in the hoil and Italian way. I've heard him say, that he cleared no less than fifty pounds every year by letting his front room at hanging time. His winders looked right opsit Newgit, and many and many dozen chaps has he seen hanging there. Laws was laws in the year ten, and they screwed chaps' nex for nex to nothink. But my bisniss was at his country-house, where 1 made my first ontray into fashnabl life. I was knife, errint, and stable-boy then, and an't ashamed to own it; for my merrits have raised me to what I am — two livries, forty pound a year, malt-licker, washin, silk-stocking, and wax candles — not counting wails, which is somethink pretty considerable at our house, I can tell you. I didn't stay long here, for a suckmstance happened which got me a very different situation. A handsome young genlmn, who kep a tilbry and a ridin hoss at livry, wanted a tiger. I bid at once for the place ; and, being a neat tidy-looking lad, he took me. MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 239 Bago gave me a character, and he my first livry ; proud enough I was of it, as you may fancy. My new master had some business in the City, for he went in every morning at ten, got out of his tilbry at the Citty Road, and had it waiting for him at six ; when, if it was summer, he spanked round into the Park, and drove one of the neatest turnouts there. Wery proud I was in a gold-laced hat, a drab coat and a red weskit, to sit by his side, when he drove. I already began to ogle the gals in the carridges, and to feel that longing for fashionabl life which I've had ever since. When he was at the oppera, or the play, down I went to skittles, or to White Condick Gardens; and Mr. Frederic Altamont's young man was somebody, I warrant: to be sure there is very few man-servants at Pentonwille, the poppylation being mostly gals of all work ; and so, though only fourteen, I was as much a man down there, as if I had been as old as Jerusalem. But the most singular thing was, that my master, who was such a gay chap, should live in such a hole. He had only a ground- floor in John Street — a parlor and a bedroom. I slep over the way, and only came in with his boots and brexfast of a morning. The house he lodged in belonged to Mr. and Mrs. Shum. They were a poor but proliffic couple, who had rented the place for many years ; and they and their family were squeezed in it pretty tight, I can tell you. Shum said he had been a hofficer, and so he had. He had been a sub-deputy assistant vice-commissary, or some such think; and, as I heerd afterwards, had been obliged to leave on account of his nervousness. He was such a coward, the fact is, that he was con- sidered dangerous to the harmy, and sent home. He had married a widow Buckmaster, who had been a Miss Slamcoe. She was a Bristol gal ; and her father being a bankrup in the tallow-chandlering way, left, in course, a pretty little sum of money. A thousand pound was settled on her : and she was as high and mighty as if it had been a millium. Buckmaster died, leaving nothink; nothink except four ugly daughters by Miss Slamcoe : and her forty pound a year was rayther a narrow income for one of her appytite and pretensions. In an unlucky hour for Shum she met him. He was a widower with a little daughter of three years old, a little house at Pentonwille, and a little income about as big as her own. I believe she bully d the poor creature into marridge; and it was agreed that he should let his ground-floor at John Street, and so add somethink to their means. They married ; and the widow Buckmaster was the grey mare, I can tell you. She was always talking and blustering about her 24o MEMOIRS OF MR. 0. J. YELLOWPLUSH famly, the celebrity of the Buckmasters, and the antickety of the Slamcoes. They had a six-roomed house (noc counting kitching and sculry), and now twelve daughters in all ; whizz. — 4 Miss Buck- masters : Miss Betsy, Miss Dosy, Miss Biddy, and Miss Winny ; 1 Miss Shum, Mary by name, Shum's daughter, and seven others, who shall be nameless. Mrs. Shum was a fat red-haired woman, at least a foot taller than S., who was but a yard and a half high, pale-faced, red-nosed, knock-kneed, bald-headed, his nose and shut- frill all brown with snuff. Before the house was a little garden, where the washin of the famly was all ways hanging. There was so many of 'em that it was obliged to be done by relays. There was six rails and a stocking on each, and four small goosbry bushes, always covered with some bit of linning or other. The hall was a regular puddle : wet dabs of dishclouts flapped in your face ; soapy smoking bits of flanning went nigh to choke you ; and while you were looking • up to prevent hanging yourself with the ropes which were strung across and about, slap came the hedge of a pail against your shins, till one was like to be drove mad with hagony. The great slattnly doddling girls was always on the stairs, poking about with nasty flower-pots, a-cooking something, or sprawling in the window-seats with greasy curl-papers, reading greasy novels. An infernal pianna was jingling from morning till night — two eldest Miss Buckmasters, " Battle of Prag " — six youngest Miss Shums, " In my Cottage," till I knew every note in the "Battle of Prag," and cussed the day when " In my Cottage " was rote. The younger girls, too, were always bouncing and thumping about the house, with torn piunyfores, and dogs-eard grammars, and large pieces of bread and treacle. I never see such a house. As for Mrs. Shum, she was such a fine lady, that she did nothink but lay on the drawing-room sophy, read novels, drink, scold, scream, and go into hystarrix. Little Shum kep reading an old newspaper from weeks' end to weeks' end, when he was not engaged in teaching the children, or goin for the beer, or cleanin the shoes : for they kep no servant. This house in John Street was in short a regular Pandymony. What could have brought Mr. Frederic Altamont to dwel in such a place ? The reason is hobvius : he adoared the fust Miss Shum. And suttnly he did not show a bad taste ; for though the other daughters were as ugly as their hideous ma, Mary Shum was a pretty little pink modest creatur, with glossy black hair and tender blue eyes, and a neck as white as plaster of Parish. She wore a dismal old black gownd, which had grown too short for her, and MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 241 too tight ; but it only served to show her pretty angles and feet, and bewchus figger. Master, though he had looked rather low for the gal of his art, had certainly looked in the right place. Never was one more pretty or more hamiable. I gav her always the buttered toast left from our brexfast, and a cup of tea or chocklate, as Altamont might fancy : and the poor thing was glad enough of it, I can vouch ; for they had precious short commons upstairs, and she the least of all. For it seemed as if which of the Shum famly should try to snub the poor thing most. There was the four Buckmaster girls always at her. It was, Mary, git the coal-skittle ; Mary, run down to the public-house for the beer; Mary, I intend to wear your clean stockens out walking, or your new bonnet to church. Only her poor father was kind to her ; and he, poor old muff ! his kindness was of no use. Mary bore all the scolding like a hangel, as she was : no, not if she had a pair of wings and a goold trumpet, could she have been a greater hangel. I never shall forgit one seen that took place. It was when Master was in the City; and so, having nothink earthly to do, I happened to be listening on the stairs. The old scolding was a-going on, and the old tune of that hojus " Battle of Prag." Old Shum made some remark ; and Miss Buckmaster cried out, " Law, pa ! what a fool you are ! " All the gals began laffin, and so did Mrs. Shum ; all, that is, excep Mary, who turned as red as flams, and going up to Miss Betsy Buckmaster, give her two such wax on her great red ears as made them tingle again. Old Mrs. Shum screamed, and ran at her like a Bengal tiger. Her great arms vent veeling about like a vinmill, as she cuffed and thumped poor Mary for taking her pa's part. Mary Shum, who was always a-crying before, didn't shed a tear now. " I will do it again," she said, "if Betsy insults my father." New thumps, new shreex ! and the old horridan went on beatin the poor girl till she was quite exosted, and fell down on the sophy, puffin like a poppus. " For shame, Mary," began old Shum ; " for shame, you naughty gal, you ! for hurting the feelings of your dear mamma, and beating your kind sister." " Why, it was because she called you a " If she did, you pert miss," said Shum, looking mighty digniti- fied, " I could correct her, and not you." " You correct me, indeed ! " said Miss Betsy, turning up her nose, if possible, higher than before ; " I should like to see you erect me ! Imperence ! " and they all began laffin again. By this time Mrs. S. had recovered from the effex of her exsize, 242 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH and she began to pour in Tier wolly. Fust she called Mary names, then Shum. " Oh, why," screeched she, " why did I ever leave a genteel famly, where I 'ad every ellygance and lucksry, to marry a creatur like this? He is unfit to be called a man, he is un- worthy to marry a gentlewoman ; and as for that hussy, I disown her. Thank Heaven she an't a Slamcoe ; she is only fit to be a Shum ! " " That's true, mamma," said all the gals ; for their mother had taught them this pretty piece of manners, and they despised their father heartily : indeed, I have always remarked that, in famlies where the wife is internally talking about the merits of her branch, the husband is invariably a spooney. Well, when she was exosted again, down she fell on the sofy, at her old trix — more screeching — more convulshuns : and she .wouldn't stop, this time, till Shum had got her half a pint of her old remedy from the " Blue Lion " over the way. She grew more easy as she finished the gin ; but Mary was sent out of the room, and told not to come back agin all day. " Miss Mary," says I, — for my heart yurned to the poor gal, as she came sobbing and miserable downstairs : " Miss Mary," says I, "if I might make so bold, here's master's room empty, and I know where the cold bif and pickles is." " Oh, Charles ! " said she, nodding her head sadly, " I'm too retched to have any happytite," And she flung herself on a chair, and began to cry fit to bust. At this moment, who should come in but my master. I had taken hold of Miss Mary's hand, somehow, and do believe I should have kist it, when, as I said, Haltamont made his appearance. "What's this?" cries he, lookin at me as black as thunder, or as Mr. Phillips as Hickit, in the new tragedy of Mac Buff. " It's only Miss Mary, sir," answered I. " Get out, sir," says he, as fierce as posbil ; and I felt somethink (I think it was the tip of his to) touching me behind, and found myself, nex minit, sprawling among the wet flannings and buckets and things. The people from upstairs came to see what was the matter, as I was cussin and crying out. " It's only Charles, ma," screamed out Miss Betsy " Where's Mary 1 " says Mrs. Shum, from the sofy. " She's in master's room, missis," said I. " She's in the lodger's room, ma," cries Miss Shum, hecko- ing me. " Very good ; tell her to stay there till he comes back." And MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 243 then Miss Shum went bouncing up the stairs again, little knowing of Haltamont's return. I'd long before observed that my master had an anchoring after Mary Shum; indeed, as I have said, it was purely for her sake that he took and kep his lodgings at Pentonwille. Excep for the sake of love, which is above being mersnary, fourteen shillings a wick was a little too strong for two such rat-holes as he lived in. I do blieve the famly had nothing else but their lodger to live on : they brekfisted off his tea-leaves, they cut away pounds and pounds of meat from his jints (he always dined at home), and his baker's bill was at least enough for six. But that wasn't my business. I saw him grin, sometimes, when I laid down the cold bif of a morning, to see how little was left of yesterday's sirline; but he never said a syllabub : for true love don't mind a pound of meat or so hextra. At first, he was very kind and attentive to all the gals ; Miss Betsy, in partickler, grew mighty fond of him : they sat, for whole evenings, playing cribbitch, he taking his pipe and glas, she her tea and muffing; but as it was improper for her to come alone, she brought one of her sisters, and this was genrally Mary, — for he made a pint of asking her, too, — and one day, when one of the others came instead, he told her, very quitely, that he hadn't invited her ; and Miss Buckmaster was too fond of mumngs to try this game on again : besides, she was jealous of her three grown sisters, and considered Mary as only a child. Law bless us ! how she used to ogle him, and quot bits of pottry, and play "Meet Me by Moonlike," on an old gitter : she reglar flung herself at his head : but he wouldn't have it, bein better ockypied elsewhere. One night, as genteel as possible, he brought home tickets for " Ashley's," and proposed to take the two young ladies — Miss Betsy and Miss Mary, in course. I recklect he called me aside that after- noon, assuming a solamon and misterus hare, "Charles," said he, "are you up to snuff?" " Why, sir," said I, " I'm genrally considered tolerably downy." "Well," says he, "I'll give you half a suffering if you can manage this bisness for me; I've chose a rainy night on purpus. When the theater is over, you must be waitin with two umbrellows ; give me one, and hold the other over Miss Buckmaster : and, hark ye, sir, turn to the right when you leave the theater, and say the coach is ordered to stand a little way up the street, in order to get rid of the crowd." We went (in a fly hired by Mr. A.), and never shall I forgit Cartliche's hacting on that memrable night. Talk of Kimble ! talk 244 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH of Magreedy ! Ashley's for my money, with Cartlitch in the principal part. But this is nothink to the porpus. When the play was over, I was at the door with the umbrellos. It was raining cats and dogs, sure enough. Mr. Altamont came out presently, Miss Mary under his arm, and Miss Betsy following behind, rayther sulky. " This way, sir," cries I, pushin forward ; and I threw a great cloak over Miss Betsy, fit to smother her. Mr. A. and Miss Mary skipped on and was out of sight when Miss Betsy's cloak was settled, you may be sure. "They're only gone to the fly, miss. It's a little way up the street, away from the crowd of carridges." And off we turned to the right, and no mistake. After marchin a little through the plash and mud, " Has any- body seen Coxy's fly1?" cries I. with the most innocent haxent in the world. " Cox's fly ! " hollows out one chap. "Is it the vaggin you want1?" says another. "I see the blackin wan pass," giggles out another genlmn ; and there was such a hinterchange of compliments as you never heerd. I pass them over though, because some of 'em were not very genteel. "Law, miss," said I, "what shall I do? My master will never forgive me ; and I haven't a single sixpence to pay a coach." Miss Betsy was just going to call one when I said that ; but the coach- man wouldn't have it at that price, he said, and I knew very well that she hadn't four or five shillings to pay for a wehicle. So, in the midst of that tarin rain, at midnight, we had to walk four miles, from Westminster Bridge to Pentonwille ; and what was wuss, 1 didn't happen to know the way. A very nice walk it was, and no mistake. At about half-past two, we got safe to John Street. My master was at the garden gate. Miss Mary flew into Miss Betsy's arms, while master began cussin and swearing at me for disobeying his orders, and turning to the' right instead of to the left ! Law bless me ! his hacting of hanger was very near as natral and as terrybl as Mr. Cartlich's in the play. They had waited half-an-hour, he said, in the fly, in the little street at the left of the theater; they had drove up and down in the greatest fright possible ; and at last came home, thinking it was in vain to wait any more. They gave her 'ot rum-and-water and roast oysters for supper, and this consoled her a little. I hope nobody will cast an imputation on Miss Mary for her share in this adventer, for she was as honest a gal as ever lived, and I do believe is hignorant to this day of our little strattygim. Besides, all's fair in love ; and, as my master could never get to see MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 245 her alone, on account of her infernal eleven sisters and ma, he took this opportunity of expressin his attachment to her. If he was in love with her before, you may be sure she paid it him back again now. Ever after the night at Ashley's, they were as tender as two tuttle-doves — which fully accounts for the axdent what happened to me, in being kicked out of the room : and in course I bore no mallis. I don't know whether Miss Betsy still fancied that my master was in love with her, but she loved muffings and tea, and kem down to his parlor as much as ever. Now comes the sing'lar part of my history. CHAPTER II BUT who was this genlmn with a fine name — Mr. Frederic Altamont? or what was he1? The most mysterus genlmn that ever I knew. Once I said to him on a wery rainy day, " Sir, shall I bring the gig down to your office 1 " and he gave me one of his black looks and one of his loudest hoaths, and told me to mind my own bizziness, and attend to my orders. Another day, — it was on the day when Miss Mary slapped Miss Betsy's face,— - Miss M., who adoared him, as I have said already, kep on asking him what was his buth, parentidg, and ediccation. " Dear Frederic," says she, " why this mistry about yourself and your hactions 1 why hide from your little Mary "—they were as tender as this, I can tell you — "your buth and your professin1?" I spose Mr. Frederic looked black, for I was only listening, and he said, in a voice hagitated by emotion, "Mary," said he, "if you love me, ask me this no more : let it be sfishnt for you to know that I am a honest man, and that a secret, what it would be misery for you to larn, must hang over all my actions — that is from ten o'clock till six." They went on chaffin and talking in this melumcolly and mysterus way, and I didn't lose a word of what they said; for them houses in Pentonwille have only walls made of pasteboard, and you hear rayther better outside the room than in. But, though he kep up his secret, he swore to her his affektion this day pint blank. Nothing should prevent him, he said, from leading her to the halter, from makin her his adoarable wife. After this was a slight silence. "Dearest Frederic," mummered out miss, speakin as if she was chokin, "I am yours — yours for ever." And then silence agen, and one or two smax, as if there was kissin going on. Here I thought it best to give a rattle at the door-lock ; for, as I live, there was old Mrs. Shum a-walkin down the stairs ! It appears that one of the younger gals, a-looking out of the bedrum window, had seen my master come in, and coming down to tea half-an-hour afterwards, said so in a cussary way. Old Mrs. Shum, who was a dragon of vertyou, cam bustling down the stairs, panting and frowning, as fat and as fierce as a old sow at feedin time. " Where's the lodger, fellow ! " says she to me. MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 247 I spoke loud enough to be heard down the street — " If you mean, ma'am, my master, Mr. Frederic Altamont, esquire, he's just stept in, and is puttin on clean shoes in his bedroom." She said nothink in answer, but flumps past me, and opening the parlor-door, sees master looking very queer, and Miss Mary a-drooping down her head like a pale lily. " Did you come into my famly," says she, " to corrupt my daughters, and to destroy the hinnocence of that infamous gal 1 Did you come here, sir, as a seducer, or only as a lodger 1 Speak, sir, speak ! " — and she folded her arms quite fierce, and looked like Mrs. Siddums in the Tragic Mews. " I came here, Mrs. Shum," said he, " because I loved your daughter, or I never would have condescended to live in such a beggarly hole. I have treated her in every respect like a genlmn, and she is as innocent now, ma'm, as she was when she was born. If she'll marry me, I am ready ; if she'll leave you, she shall have a home where she shall be neither bullyd nor starved : no hangry frumps of sisters, no cross mother-in-law, only an affeckshnat husband, and all the pure pleasures of Hyming." Mary flung herself into his arms — " Dear, dear Frederic," says she, " I'll never leave you." "Miss," says Mrs. Shum, "you ain't a Slamcoe, nor yet a Buckmaster, thank God. You may marry this person if your pa thinks proper, and he may insult me — brave me — trample on my feelinx in my own house — and there's no-o-o-obody by to defend me." I knew what she was going to be at : on came her histarrix agen, and she began screechin and roarin like mad. Down comes of course the eleven gals and old Shum. There was a pretty row. "Look here, sir," says she, "at the conduck of your precious trull of a daughter — alone with this man, kissing and dandlin, and Lawd knows what besides." " What, he ? " cries Miss Betsy — " he in love with Mary Oh, the wretch, the monster, the deceiver ! " — and she falls down too, screeching away as loud as her mamma; for the silly creature fancied still that Altamont had a fondness for her. " Silence these women I " shouts out Altamont, thundering loud. " I love your daughter, Mr. Shum. I will take her without a penny, and can afford to keep her. If you don't give her to me, she'll come of her own will. Is that enough ? — may I have her 1 " " We'll talk of this matter, sir," says Mr. Shum, looking as high and mighty as an alderman. "Gals, go upstairs with your dear mamma." — And they all trooped up again, and so the skrimmage ended. You may be sure that old Shum was not very sorry to get a 248 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH husband for his daughter Mary, for the old creatur loved her better than all the pack which had been brought him or born to him by Mrs. Buckmaster. But, strange to say, when he came to talk of settle- ments and so forth, not a word would my master answer. He said he made four hundred a year reglar — he wouldn't tell how — but Mary, if she married him, must share all that he had, and ask no questions ; only this he would say, as he'd said before, that he was a honest man. They were married in a few days, and took a very genteel house at Islington; but still my master went away to business, and no- body knew where. Who could he be ? CHAPTER III IF ever a young kipple in the middlin classes began life with a chance of happiness, it was Mr. and Mrs. Frederic Altamont. Their house at Cannon Row, Islington, was as comfortable as house could be. Carpited from top to to ; pore's rates small ; furnitur elygant ; and three deomestix : of which I, in course, was one. My life wasn't so easy as in Mr. A.'s bachelor days ; but, what then 1 The three W's is my maxum : plenty of work, plenty of wittles, and plenty of wages. Altamont kep his gig no longer, but went to the City in an omlibuster. One would have thought, I say, that Mrs. A., with such an effeckshnut husband, might have been as happy as her blessid majisty. Nothing of the sort. For the fust six months it was all very well ; but then she grew gloomier and gloomier, though A. did everythink in life to please her. Old Shum used to come reglarly four times a wick to Cannon Row, where he lunched, and dined, and teed, and supd. The pore little man was a thought too fond of wine and spirits ; and many and many's the night that I've had to support him home, And you may be sure that Miss Betsy did not now desert her sister : she was at our place mornink, noon, and night; not much to my mayster's liking, though he was too good-natured to wex his wife in trifles. But Betsy never had forgotten the recollection of old days, and hated Altamont like the foul feind. She put all kind of bad things into the head of poor innocent missis ; who, from being all gaiety and cheerfulness, grew to be quite melumcolly and pale, and retchid, just as if she had been the most misrable woman in the world. In three months more a baby comes, in course, and with it old Mrs. Shum, who stuck to Mrs/ side as close as a wampire, and made her retchider and retchider. She used to bust into tears when Altamont came home : she used to sigh and wheep over the pore child, and say. " My child, my child, your father is false to me ; " or, " your father deceives me ; " or, " what will you do when your pore mother is no more 1 " or such like sentimental stuff. It all came from Mother Shum, and her old trix, as I soon found out. The fact is, when there is a mistry of this kind in the house, 250 MEMOIRS OF MR. 0. J. YELLOWPLUSH it's a servant's duty to listen ; and listen I did, one day when Mrs. was cryin as usual, and fat Mrs. Shum a sittin consolin her, as she called it : though, Heaven knows, she only grew wuss and wuss for the consolation. Well, I listened ; Mrs. Shum was a-rockin the baby, and missis cryin as yousual. " Pore dear innocint," says Mrs. S., heavin a great sigh, " you're the child of an unknown father and a misrable mother." " Don't speak ill of Frederic, mamma," says missis ; " he is all kindness to me." " All kindness, indeed ! yes, he gives you a fine house, and a fine gownd, and a ride in a fly whenever you please ; but where does all his money come from ? Who is he — what is he ? Who knows that he mayn't be a murderer, or a housebreaker, or a utterer of forged notes'? How can he make his money honestly, when he won't say where he gets it 1 Why does he leave you eight hours every blessid day, and won't say where he goes to? Oh, Mary, Mary, you are the most injured of women ! " And with this Mrs. Shum began sobbin ; and Miss Betsy began yowling like a cat in a gitter ; and pore missis cried, too — tears is so remarkable infeckshus. " Perhaps, mamma," wimpered out she, " Frederic is a shopboy, and don't like me to know that he is not a gentleman." " A shopboy," says Betsy ; " he a shopboy ! 0 no, no, no ! more likely a wretched willain of a murderer, stabbin and robing all day. and feedin you with the fruits of his ill-gotten games ! " More crying and screechin here took place, in which the baby joined ; and made a very pretty consort, I can tell you. " He can't be a robber," cries missis ; " he's too good, too kind for that : besides, murdering is clone at night, and Frederic is always home at eight." " But he can be a forger," says Betsy, " a wicked, wicked forger. Why does he go away every day 1 to forge notes, to be sure. Why does he go to the City? to be near banks and places, and so do it more at his convenience." " But he brings home a sum of money every day — about thirty shillings — sometimes fifty : and then he smiles, and says it's a good day's work. This is not like a forger," said pore Mrs. A. " I have it — I have it ! " screams out Mrs. S. " The villain — the sneaking double-faced Jonas ! he's married to somebody else, he is, and that's why he leaves you, the base biggymist ! " At this, Mrs. Altamont, struck all of a heap, fainted clean away. A dreadful business it was — hystarrix : then hystarrix, in course, from Mrs. Shum; bells ringin, child squalin, suvvants tearin up MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 251 and down stairs with hot water ! If ever there is a noosance in the world, it's a house where faintain is always goin on. I wouldn't live in one, — no, not to be groom of the chambers, and git two hundred a year. It was eight o'clock in the evenin when this row took place; and such a row it was, that nobody but me heard master's knock. He came in, and heard the hooping, and screeching, and roaring. He seemed very much frightened at first, and said, " What is it 1 " " Mrs. Shum's here," says I, " and Mrs. in astarrix." Altamont looked as black as thunder, and growled out a word which I don't like to name — let it suffice that it begins with a d and ends with a nation ; and he tore upstairs like mad. He bust open the bedroom door ; missis lay quite pale and stony on the sofy ; the babby was screechin from the craddle ; Miss Betsy was sprawlin over missis ; and Mrs. Shum half on the bed and half on the ground : all howlin and squeelin, like so many dogs at the moond. When A. came in, the mother and daughter stopped all of a sudding. There had been one or two tiffs before between them, and they feared him as if he had been a hogre. " What's this infernal screeching and crying about ? " says he. " Oh, Mr. Altamont," cries the old woman, " you know too well ; it's about you that this darling child is misrabble ! " " And why about me, pray, madam 1 " " Why, sir, dare you ask why 1 Because you deceive her, sir ; because you are a false cowardly traitor, sir ; because you have a ivife elsewhere, sir ! " And the old lady and Miss Betsy began to roar again as loud as ever. Altamont pawsed for a minnit, and then flung the door wide open ; nex he seized Miss Betsy as if his hand were a vice, and he world her out of the room ; then up he goes to Mrs. S. " Get up," says he, thundering loud, " you lazy, trollopping, mischief-making, lying old fool ! Get up, and get out of this house. You have been the cuss and bain of my happyniss since you entered it. With your d — d lies, and novvle reading, and histerrix, you have perwerted Mary, and made her almost as mad as yourself." " My child ! my child ! " shriex out Mrs. Shum, and clings round missis. But Altamont ran between them, and griping the old lady by her arm, dragged -her to- the door. " Follow your daughter, ma'm," says he, and down she went. " Chawls, see those ladies to the door" he hollows out, " and never let them pass it again." We walked down together, and off they went : and master locked and double-locked the bedroom door after him, intendin, of course, to have a tator-tator (as they say) with his wife. You 252 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH may be sure that I followed upstairs again pretty quick, to hear the result of their confidence. As they say at St. Steveneses, it was rayther a stormy debate. " Mary," says master, " you're no longer the merry grateful gal I knew and loved at Pentonwill : there's some secret a pressin on you - — there's no smilin welcom for me now, as there used formly to be ! Your mother and sister-in-law have perwerted you, Mary : and that's why I've drove them from this house, which they shall not re-enter in my life." " 0 Frederic ! it's you is the cause, and not I. Why do you have any mistry from me 1 Where do you spend your days 1 Why did you leave me, even on the day of your marridge, for eight hours, and continue to do so every day ? " " Because," says he, " I makes my livelihood by it. I leave you, and don't tell you how I make it : for it would make you none the happier to know." It was in this way the convysation ren on — more tears and questions on my missises part, more sturmness and silence on my master's : it ended for the first time since their marridge, in a reglar quarrel. Wery difrent, I can tell you, from all the hammerous billing and kewing which had proceeded their nupshuls. Master went out, slamming the door in a fury; as well he might. Says he, " If I can't have a comforable life, I can have a jolly one ; " and so he went off to the hed tavern, and came home that evening beesly intawsicated. When high words begin in a family, drink generally follows on the genlman's side ; and then, fearwell to all conjubial happyniss ! These two pipple, so fond and loving, were now sirly, silent, and full of il wil. Master went out earlier, and came home later; missis cried more, and looked even paler than before. Well, things went on in this uncomfortable way, master still in the mopes, missis tempted by the deamons of jellosy and curosity ; until a singlar axident brought to light all the goings on of Mr. Altamont. It was the tenth of January ; I recklect the day, for old Shum gev me half-a-crownd (the fust and last of his money I ever see, by the way) : he was dining along with master, and they were making merry together. Master said, as he was mixing his fifth tumler of punch and little Shum his twelfth or so — master said, "I see you twice in the City to-day, Mr. Shum." "Well, that's curous ! " says Shum. 'I was in the City. To-day's the day when the divvydins (God bless 'em) is paid ; and me and Mrs. S. went for our half-year's inkem. But we only got MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 253 out of the coach, crossed the street to the Bank, took our money, and got in agen. How could you see me twice ? " Altamont stuttered and stammered and hemd, and hawd. " 0 ! ' says he, " I was passing — passing as you went in and out" And he instantly turned the conversation, and began talking about polly- tix, or the weather, or some such stuff. " Yes, my dear," said my missis, " but how could you see papa twice ? " Master didn't answer, but talked pollytix more than ever. Still she would con tiny on. " Where was you, my dear, when you saw pa 1 What were you doing, my love, to see pa twice 1" and so forth. Master looked angrier and angrier, and his wife only pressed him wuss and wuss. This was, as I said, little Shum's twelfth tumler ; and I knew pritty well that he could git very little further ; for as reglar as the thirteenth came, Shum was drunk. The thirteenth did come, and its consquinzes. I was obliged to leed him home to John Street, where I left him in the hangry arms of Mrs. Shum. "How the d — ," sayd he all the way, "how the d-dd — the deddy — deddy — devil — could he have seen me twice ? " CHAPTER IV IT was a sad slip on Altamont's part, for no sooner did he go out the next morning than missis went out too. She tor down the street, and never stopped till she came to her pa's house at Pentonwill. She was clositid for an hour with her ma, and when she left her she drove straight to the City. She walked before the Bank, and behind the Bank, and round the Bank : she came home disperryted, having learned nothink. And it was now an extraordinary thing that from Shum's house for the next ten days there was nothing but expyditions into the City. Mrs. S., tho' her dropsicle legs had never carred her half so fur before, was eternally on the key veve, as the French say. If she didn't go, Miss Betsy did, or missis did : they seemed to have an attrackshun to the Bank, and went there as natral as an omlibus. At last one day, old Mrs. Shum comes to our house — (she wasn't admitted when master was there, but came still in his absints) — and she wore a hair of tryumph, as she entered. " Mary," says she, "where is the money your husbind brought to you yesterday?" My master used always to give it to missis when he returned. "The money, ma!" says Mary. "Why here!" And pulling out her puss, she showed a sovrin, a good heap of silver, and an odd-looking little coin. " THAT'S IT ! that's it ! " cried Mrs. S. "A Queene Anne's sixpence, isn't it, dear — dated seventeen hundred and three 1 " It was so sure enough : a Queen Ans sixpence of that very date. " Now, my love," says she, " I have found him ! Come with me to-morrow, and you shall KNOW ALL ! " And now comes the end of my story. The ladies nex morning set out for the City, and I walked behind, doing the genteel thing, with a nosegy and a goold stick. We walked down the New Road — we walked down the City Road — we walked to the Bank. We were crossing from that heddyfiz to the other side of Cornhill, when all of a sudden missis shreeked, and fainted spontaceously away. I rushed forrard, and raised her to my arms, spiling thereby a MISS SHUM'S HUSBAND 255 new weskit and a pair of crimson smalcloes. I rushed forrard, I say, very nearly knocking down the old sweeper who was hobbling away as fast as posibil. We took her to Birch's ; we provided her with a hackney-coach and every lucksury, and carried her home to Islington, That night master never came home. Nor the nex night, nor the nex. On the fourth day an octioneer arrived; he took an infantry of the furnitur, and placed a bill in the window. At the end of the wick Altamont made his appearance. He was haggard and pale ; not so haggard, however, not so pale as his miserable wife. He looked at her very tendrilly. I may say, it's from him that I coppied my look to Miss He looked at her very tendrilly and held out his arms. She gev a suffycating shreek, and rusht into his umbraces. " Mary," says he, "you know all now. I have sold my place , I have got three thousand pounds for it, and saved two more. I've sold my house and furnitur, and that brings me another. We'll go abroad and love each other, has formly." And now you ask me, Who he was 1 I shudder to relate. — Mr. Haltamont SWEP THE CROSSING FROM THE BANK TO CORNHILL ! ! Of cors, / left his servis. I met him, few years after, at Badden-Badden, where he and Mrs. A. were much respectid and pass for pipple of propaty THE AMOURS OF MR. DEUCE ACE DIMOND CUT DIMOND THE name of my nex master was, if posbil, still more ellygant and youfonious than that of my fust. I now found myself boddy servant to the Honrabble Halgernon Percy Deuceace, youngest and fifth son of the Earl of Crabs. Halgernon was a barrystir — that is, he lived in Pump Cort, Temple : a wulgar nay brood, witch praps my readers don't no. Suffiz to say, it's on the confines of the Citty, and the choasen aboad of the lawyers of this metrappolish. When I say that Mr. Deuceace was a barrystir, I don't mean that he went sesshums or surcoats (as they call 'em), but simply that he kep chambers, lived in Pump Cort, and looked out for a commitionarship, or a revisinship, or any other place that the Wig guvvyment could give him. His father was a Wig pier (as the landriss told me), and had been a Toary pier. The fack is, his Lordship was so poar, that he would be anythink or nothink, to get provisions for his sons and an inkum for himself. I phansy that he aloud Halgernon two hundred a year • and it would have been a very comforable maintenants, only he knever paid him. Owever, the young genlmn was a genlmn, and no mistake ; he got his allowents of nothing a year, and spent it in the most honrabble and faslmabble manner. He kep a kab — he went to Holmax — and Crockfud's — he moved in the most xquizzit suckles and trubbld the law boox very little, I can tell you. Those fashnabble gents have ways of getten money, witch coimnan pipple doan't understand. Though he only had a therd floar in Pump Cort, he lived as if he had the welth of Gresas. The tenpun notes floo abowt as common as haypince — clarrit and shampang was at his house as vulgar as gin ; and verry glad I was, to be sure, to be a valley to a zion of the nobillaty. Deuceace had, in his sittin-room, a large pictur on a sheet of paper, The names of his family was wrote on it : it was wrote in the shape of a tree, a-groin out of a man-in-armer's stomick, and THE AMOURS OF MR. DEUCEACE 257 the names were on little plates among the bows. The pictur said that the Deuceaces kem into England in the year 1066, along with William Conqueruns. My master called it his podygree. I do bleev it was because he had this pictur, and because he was the Honrabble Deuceace, that he mannitched to live as he did. If he had been a common man, you'd have said he was no better than a swinler. It's only rank and buth that can warrant such singularities as my master show'd. For it's no use disgysing it — the Honrabble Halgernon was a GAMBLER. For a man of wulgar family, it's the wust trade that can be — for a man of common feelinx of honesty, this profession is quite imposbil; but for a real thoroughbread genlmn, it's the esiest and most prophetable line he can take. It may praps appear curious that such a fashnabble man should live in the Temple ; but it must be recklected, that it's not only lawyers who live in what's called the Ins of Cort. Many batchylers, • who have nothink to do with lor, have here their loginx ; and many sham barrysters, who never put on a wig and gownd twise in their lives, kip apartments in the Temple, instead of Bon Street, Pickle- dilly, or other fashnabble places. Frinstance, on our stairkis (so these houses are called), there was 8 sets of chamberses, and only 3 lawyers. These was bottom floar, Screwson, Hewson, and Jewson, attorneys ; fust floar, Mr. Sergeant Flabber — opsite, Mr. Counslor Bruffy ; and secknd pair, Mr. Hagger- stony, an Irish counslor, praktising at the Old Baly, and lickwise what they call reporter to the Morning Post nyouspapper. Opsite him was wrote MR. RICHARD BLEWITT ; and on the thud floar, with my master, lived one Mr. Dawkins. This young fellow was a new-comer into the Temple, and un- lucky it was for him too— he'd better have never been born ; foi it's my firm apinion that the Temple ruined him — that is, with the help of my master and Mr. Dick Blewitt : as you shall hear. Mr. Dawkins, as I was gave to understand by his young man, had jest left the Universary of Oxford, and had a pretty little fortn of his own — six thousand pound, or so — in the stox. He was jest of age, an orfin who had lost his father and mother ; and having distinkwished hisself at Collitch, where he gained seffral prices, was come to town to push his fortn, and study the barryster's bisness. Not bein of a very high fammly hisself — indeed, I've heard say his father was a chismonger, or somethink of that lo sort — Dawkins was glad to find his old Oxford frend, Mr. Blewitt, yonger son to rich Squire Blewitt, of Listershire, and to take rooms so near him. Now, tho' there was a considdrable intimacy between me and *58 MEMOIRS OF MR. C. J. YELLOWPLUSH Mr. Blewitt's gentleman, there was scarcely any betwixt our masters, — mine being too much of the aristoxy to associate with one of Mr. Blewitt's sort. Blewitt was what they call a bettin man ; he went reglar to Tattlesall's, kep a pony, wore a white hat, a blue berd's- eye handkercher, and a cut-away coat. In his manners he was the very contrary of my master, who was a slim ellygant man as ever I see — he had very white hands, rayther a sallow face, with sharp dark ise, and small wiskus neatly trimmed and as black as Warren's jet — he spoke very low and soft — he seemed to be watchin the person with whom he was in convysation, and always flatterd everybody. As for Blewitt, he was quite of another sort. He was always swearin, singing, and slappin people on the back, as hearty as posbill. He seemed a merry, careless, honest cretur, whom one would trust with life and soul. So thought Dawkins, at least ; who, though a quiet young man, fond of his boox, novvles, Byron's poems, floot-playing, and such like scientafic amusemints, grew hand in glove with honest Dick Blewitt, and soon after with my master, the Honrabble Halgernon. Poor Daw ! he thought he was makin good connexions and real friends — lie had fallen in with a couple of the most etrocious swinlers that ever lived. Before Mr. Dawkins's arrivial at our house, Mr. Deuceace had barely condysended to speak to Mr. Blewitt ; it was only about a month after that suckumstance that my master, all of a sudding, grew very friendly with him. The reason was pretty clear, — Deuceace wanted him. Dawkins had not been an hour in master's company before he knew that he had a pidgin to pluck. Blewitt knew this too : and bein very fond of pidgin, intended to keep this one entirely to himself. It was amusin to see the Hon- rabble Halgernon manuvring to get this poor bird out of Blewitt's clause, who thought he had it safe. In fact, he'd brought Dawkins to these chambers for that very porpos, thinking to have him under his eye, and strip him at leisure. My master very soon found out what was Mr. Blewitt's game. Gamblers know gamblers, if not by instink, at least by reputation ; and though Mr. Blewitt moved in a much lower speare than Mr. Deuceace, they knew each other's dealins and caracters puffickly well. " Charles, you scoundrel," says Deuceace to me one day (he always spoak in that kind way), "who is this person that has taken the opsit chambers, and plays the floot so industrusly 1 " "It's Mr. Dawkins, a rich young gentleman from Oxford, and a great friend of Mr. Blewittses, sir," says I ; " they seem to live in each other's rooms." Master said nothink, but he grin'd — my eye, how he did grin. Not the fowl find himself could snear more satannickly. THE AMOURS OF MR. DEUCEACE 259 I knew what he meant : Imprimish. A man who plays the floot is a simpleton. Secknly. Mr. Blewitt is a raskle. Thirdmo. When a raskle and a simpleton is always together, and when the simpleton is rich, one knows pretty well what will come of it. I was but a lad in them days, but I knew what was what, as well as my master; it's not gentlemen only that's up to snough. Law bless us ! there was four of us on this stairkes, four as nice young men as you ever see : Mr. Bruffy's young man, Mr. Dawkinses, Mr. Blewitt's, and me — and we knew what our masters was about as well as they did theirselfs. Frinstance, I can say this for myself y there wasn't a paper in Deuceace's desk or drawer, not a bill, a note, or mimerandum, which I hadn't read as well as he : with Blewitt's it was the same — me and his young man used to read 'em all. There wasn't a bottle of wine that we didn't get a glass out of, nor a pound of sugar that we didn't have some lumps of it. We had keys to all the cubbards — we pipped into all the letters that kem and went — we pored over all the bill-files — we'd the best pickens out of the dinners, the liwers of the fowls, the forcemit balls out of the soup, the egs from the sallit. As for the coals and candles, we left them to the landrisses. You may call this robry — nonsince — it's only our rights — a suvvant's purquizzits is as sacred as the laws of Hengland. Well, the long and short of it is this. Richard Blewitt, esquire, was sityouated as follow : He'd an incum of three hunderd a year from his father. Out of this he had to pay one hunderd and ninety for money borrowed by him at collidge, seventy for chambers, seventy more for his hoss, aty for his suvvant on bord wagis, and about three hunderd and fifty for a sepparat establishment in the Regency Park ; besides this, his pockit-money, say a hunderd, his eatin, drinkin, and wine-marchant's bill, about two hunderd moar. So that you see lie laid by a pretty handsome sum at the end of the year. My master was diflfrent ; and being a more fashnable man than Mr. B., in course he owed a deal more inony. There was fust : — Account contray, at Crockford's . . £3711 0 0 Bills of xchange and I.O.U.'s (but he didn't pay these in most cases) . 4963 0 0 21 tailors' bills, in all . . . . 1306 11 9 3 hossdealers' do 402 0 0 2 coachbuilder . . . . . 506 0 0 Bills contracted at Cambridtch . . 2193 6 8 Sundries 987 10 0 £14,069 8 5 260 MEMOIRS OF MR. 0. J. YELLOWPLUSH I give this as a curosity — pipple doan't know how in many cases fashnabble life is carried on ; and to know even what a real genlmn owes is somethink instructif and agreeable. But to my tail. The very day after my master had made the inquiries concerning Mr. Dawkins, witch I mentioned already, he met Mr. Blewitt on the stairs; and byoutiffle it was to see how this genlmn, who had before been almost cut by my master, was now received by him. One of the sweetest smiles I ever saw was now vizzable on Mr. Deuceace's countenance. He held out his hand, covered with a white kid glove, and said, in the most frenly tone of vice posbill, "What? Mr. Blewitt 1 It is an age since we met. What a shame that such near naybors should see each other so seldom ! " Mr. Blewitt, who was standing at his door, in a pe-green dressing-gown, smoaking a segar, and singing a hunting coarus, looked surprised, flattered, and then suspicious. "Why, yes," says he, "it is, Mr. Deuceace, a long time." " Not, I think, since we dined at Sir George Hockey's. By- the-bye, what an evening that was — hay, Mr. Blewitt 1 What wine ! what capital songs ! I recollect your * May-day in the morning '— cuss me, the best comick song I ever heard. I was speaking to the Duke of Doncaster about it only yesterday. You know the Duke, I think?" Mr. Blewitt said, quite surly, " No, I don't." "Not know him !" cries master; "why, hang it, Blewitt! he knows you; as every sporting man in England does, I should think. Why, man, your good things are in everybody's mouth at Newmarket." And so master went on chaffin Mr. Blewitt. That genlmn at fust answered him quite short and angry : but, after a little more flummery, he grew as pleased as posbill, took in all Deuceace's flatry, and bleeved all his lies. At last the door shut, and they both went into Mr. Blewitt's chambers together. Of course I can't say what past there ; but in an hour master kem up to his own room as yaller as mustard, and smellin sadly of backo-smoke. I never see any genlmn more sick than he was : he'd been smoakin seagars along with Blewitt. I said nothink, in course, tho' I'd often heard him xpress his horrow of backo, and knew very well he would as soon swallow pizon as smoke. But he wasn't a chap to do a thing without a reason : if he'd been smoakin, I warrant he had smoked to some porpus. I didn't hear the convysation betwean 'em; but Mr. Blewitt's man did : it was, — " Well, Mr. Blewitt, what capital seagars ! Have you one for a friend to smoak ? " (The old fox, it wasn't only THE AMOURS OF MR. DEUCEACE 261 the seagars he was a-smoakin !) " Walk in," says Mr. Blewitt ; and they began a-chaffin together ; master very ankshous about the young gintleman who had come to live in our chambers, Mr. Dawkins, and always coming back to that subject, — saying that people on the same stairkis ot to be frenly ; how glad he'd be, for his part, to know Mr. Dick Blewitt, and any friend of his, and so on. Mr. Dick, howsever, seamed quite aware of the trap laid for him. " I really don't know this Dawkins," says he : " he's a chis- monger's son, I hear; and tho I've exchanged visits with him, I doan't intend to con tiny ou the acquaintance, — not wishin to assoshate with that kind of pipple." So they went on, master fishin, and Mr. Blewitt not wishin to take the hook at no price. " Confound the vulgar thief ! " muttard my master, as he was laying on his sophy, after being so very ill ; " I've poisoned myself with his infernal tobacco, and he has foiled me. The cursed swindling boor ! he thinks he'll ruin this poor cheesemonger, does he 1 I'll step in, and warn him." I thought I should bust a-laffin, when he talked in this style. I knew very well what his " warning " meant, — lockin the stable- door but stealin the hoss fust. Next day, his strattygam for becoming acquainted with Mr. Dawkins we exicuted ; and very pritty it was. Besides potry and the flute, Mr. Dawkins, I must tell you, had some other parshallities — wiz., he was very fond of good eatin and drinkin. After doddling over his music and boox all day, this young genlmn used to sally out of evenings, dine sumptiously at a tavern, drinkin all sots of wine along with his friend Mr. Blewitt. He was a quiet young fellow enough at fust; but it was Mr. B. who (for his own porpuses, no doubt) had got him into this kind of life. Well, I needn't say that he who eats a fine dinner, and drinks too much overnight, wants a bottle of soda-water, and a gril, praps, in the morning. Such was Mr. Dawkinses case ; and reglar almost as twelve o'clock came, the waiter from " Dix Cony-house " was to be seen on our stairkis, bringing up Mr. D.'s hot breakfast. No man would have thought there was anythink in such a trifling cirkumstance ; master did, though, and pounced upon it like a cock on a barlycorn. He sent me out to Mr. MorelPs in Pickledilly, for wot's called a Strasbug-pie — in French, a "patty defau graw." He takes a card, and nails it on the outside case (patty defaw graws come generally in a round wooden box, like a drumb) ; and what do you think he writes on it? why, as folios: — "For the Honourable Algernon Percy Deuceace, &c, &c,